The pain of another's fall

This is going to be right along the lines of my previous entry; priorities. For the first time in a long time, I have become open to other people and have become very close to many people. I've come to love other recovering gentlemen that have been placed in my life. After all, we were forced to talk, interact, and socialize in a sober manner. In doing so, we shared, understood, related, and accepted each other. Never, on that intimate level, have I, nor many of the other men, contributed to a bond-making experience. I was able to enjoy a closeness and friendship with these gentlemen. This has led to a genuine concern for those you have fallen off. This concern has led to me being angry and hurt.
Imagine this pain that I feel for some guys that I've know for a short time. Imagine what the pain and worry that people that have known and loved me my whole life had to deal with. So this pain that I feel, I can multiply it and still never really understand the amount of shit that I put those people who love me through. I don't dwell on that shame, no I do not, I just keep it close to me as a reminder of my former selfish ways. When I heard about what the terrible weakness can do to families, it makes me ill to my stomach; angry/hurt wives, mother-in-laws, devestated children, brothers, sisters, parents...WOW! THE DAMAGE DONE! All the while, those of us that are still suffering are just adding onto the laundry list of shameful inventories; making it harder to deal with in the future. I plan on avoiding that. It took me a long time to purge myself of those feelings. I don't need anymore. If I was literally blind and a new medical advancement came along and I was able to restore my vision, why would I purposely force blindness upon myself again? I wouldn't. It doesn't make sense. That's the problem with this ailment. It doesn't make sense; none of it.
The cunning, baffling nature of this stuggle forces me to have to respect the shit out of it. When I am hurt by my brothers falling, I am reminded that I must be afraid of my complacency. I must continue to maintain my priority number one. I refuse to put my loved ones through the hell that I once pulled them through and ultimately held them hostage in; not again. If I do it again, it'll be worse than the last time. No, no, no, this new life, these new relationships, these renewed relationship, this new-found freedom, optimism, happiness are all to special for me to lose respect for what inside. The devil inside that lurking, waiting, and looking for that loss of respect. I tell him to piss off...I've ended that dance.