Face, feel, and love

I'm back and yes, still very sober. I definitely need to share what's going on inside. I previously mentioned that during my life, I've been lucky enough to have six close parental figures. Two Thursdays ago, one of them suffered a heart attack. Upon first hearing of this, I feel that I handled it well...as well as I could. When reaching a certain description of his state, I got up, said I didn't want to hear about it, and went outside. Although there was a reality to it happening, it took the imagery to make it all that more real. With a realization to reality, I begin to feel and it's tough sometimes. The true feelings ddin't come to surgace until I made the decision, last Wednesday, to go to the hospital today. When this decision was made, feeling of guilt and fear came rushing in. It wasn't until I was sharing those feelings that they manifested themselves into tears. I knew that the tears were needed. I knew the tears meant that I cared for someone else. Most importantly, I knew that the tears were also associated with those negative feelings of guilt and fear. Guilt of past things done that I CANNOT change. Fear of feelings of powerlessness; over his well-being. I am going to lay it out as clearly as possible. I am afraid of seeing him in his state, in the hospital bed and me not being able to do anything about it. I am afraid of seeing his boys in pain and not being able to do anything about it.
There is something I can do about the boys' pain. I can do the right thing. I can be there for the boys. Them knowing that their big bro, Trevor, is there when they need him, will make them feel better; that's what I CAN do. When their dad wakes up and learns that I was there it's just one more person to add to the already huge list of all the people that care for him. We all need to know that we are loved. From a personal and emotional standpoint, it's all that we really need. With the excess material things that run our lives, we lose focus on that true priority of love and being loved. There will be always someone with something newer, bigger, and better. The grass will always look greener on the other side if we concentrate on what's not important, what we don't have, who we don't have, and what other's has or has to offer. The grass is always green on our own side if we focus on what we do have...what have that matters...people that love us and people we love. Don't get me wrong, I will attain all the material things that I want, but I won't do it alone. It will be after and as a result of acheive loving relationships in my daily life, appreciating what matters in life, and giving more than I receive. It'll be a result of me appreciating those who love me and me showing my love to those whom I love. When it's all said and done, I'm not taking anything or anyone with me. All I'll have is my calm, inner peace. What I'll leave is the memories and love of a good man.
So what do I need to do? I need to set aside my natural selfishness to avoid the feeling of fear. I need to remember that any guilty is associated with the past and there is NOTHING I can do about it. I need to do the right thing NOW and be there for my brothers whom I love. I need to remember it's not always about me and my comfort. Soberly speaking, I need to realize that the old me wouldn't have and didn't think of others in this situation. All I did was drink, numb, and avoid. Now, it's face, feel and love.