A Five Syllable Word for Sloth

Throughout my life and continued daily I struggle.  Somethings I struggle with more than others, but one of the biggest things I battle with and against is another word for one of those seven deadly sins.  It's a five syllable word called procrastination.  As you try and confirm that it is there are five syllables, I will assure you that are five of them.  With every battle, there are a number of forces trying to gain their own will.  Usually the will that wins out is the one that has never done me any good; my self-will. Through following my own will, I am susceptible to my selfish ways.  These ways are very limiting to me.  Whether they are in the form of my nemesis, pride, or any other thing that follows the Trev-centric ways, they take away from the greater good of growth and giving.  The way I see it, if I'm not growing, learning, a feeling good with myself, I am no good to anyone else.  When those three things are in-sync, I am in-tune with other people's feelings, wants, and needs.  When in-sync, I am that smiling, chipper fellow with a twinkle in his eyes that someone whom once told me that everyone found so irresistible as a child.  So how do I battle this self-will?  Upon asking the question while typing, I was flashed with an action I used to do as a child when I was asked to do something I didn't want to do.  Somewhat of a simultaneous eye and head-roll with a whiny "Uuuugh, whhhhy?!"  This is basically what happen internally when faced between what should be done, the right thing and doing what I want to do, usually the wrong thing.  Again, how to do I fight it?  I gain the motivation with the inspiration of the last time I got something done that I needed to.  I "visualize" and feel the inner sensation of accomplishment.  I remember that mini-success achieved by winning a past battle with procrastination.  I recall how feelings achieve by just getting to the task and completing it propelled me through the rest of day and into the following days.  What motivates me in these situations is really those good feelings achieved by doing those productive things and having that sense of success.  You see, I've always loved feeling good. The problem was with alcoholism, I was dependent on being intoxicated to experience those feeling.  I couldn't handle coming down from those synthesized good feelings so I continued that blurred existences until my body couldn't handle it anymore or until the money was all gone.  Now, I have an opportunity to become "addicted" to healthy good feelings achieved by doing the things that are necessary, right, and actively bring me close to the goals I have in place.
I was texting someone sometime ago and was hit with one of those "Aha" moments.  I was emotionally struggling with accepting where I was with my career and financially.  First of all, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Second, it all falls on me.  If I am not liking where I am and I am not doing anything about it, where am I going to continue to be?  Ya, exactly where I am not wanting to be.  I get inspired by certain quotes, but if I am allowing my fears or sloth to continue to be the main driving force in my life, I can have all the willingness and inspiration in the world and still will not act.  Willingness alone does nothing for me.  Through experience, once I fight through sloth and fear and do what I know I can do, everything begins coming my way, I feel great and those great feelings, as said before, have a multiplier effect through the added motivation they cause.
So for me to get things done and battle fear and sloth, I have to remember the good and just act without thinking, justifying, or remaining to committed to my will.  I will always remember the quote from Vanilla Sky, "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

Omit Ego and Pride...Substitute with Humility and Acceptance

Another month has come into my sobriety. 9 months...3/4 of a year! Yes, I am good at math. I am feeling excellent. Earlier this week, not too excellent. I was doing a lot of dwelling, fighting to battle self-pity, second-guessing myself, and allowing my mind to be somewhere else and not on myself. Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be concentrating on me. If I don't make me number 1, I will never be able to be as best as I can be for everyone else. As you know, I do a lot of reflection throughout the day and during this past week, I have become stronger through more self-discovery. This neither is new to me nor is it to a certain few, but I really dislike not getting my own way. I dislike losing. I dislike being told things about myself that are negative. Initially, I do not take to these things to well. How would my emotional process be? Let see...frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and acceptance. What happens when acceptance occurs? A chance for learning which, in turn, leads to strengthening and growth. Flat out, I still am trying to figure out the not getting my own way issue...that shit is entrenched in me and will take some time to alleviate myself of it. When it comes to losing it's a matter of my pride and ego being bruised. It will always happen, those things being bruised, it just how I deal with it that'll make the difference. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't always have to happen. If I continue to humble myself, expect less of myself and others, and accept things for what they are, I can lessen the bruising. Yes, I hate losing in sports, but this is not what this is about. This is deeper, but in line with a competitive game. If I am trying to sell myself, my point, my wants, etc and it the outcome turn out the way I want...hmmm weird, I sense a tie in with something previously said, I feel that I have lost. So me not liking losing parallels me not getting my own way...may seem obvious, but I took me this writing to piece that together. Also, it is about setting my expectation to a certain level or outcome while not allowing the possibility of anything less or different that contributes me not accepting what happens. This then causes me to feel all the negative emotions that I prefer not to experience. These negative emotions are inevitable, but if I can lessen the experience through more acceptance and less expectation, why not?
As for being told things about myself that are negative. Hate it! Again, it's about my pride and ego. How dare someone say something about me, to me, with maybe the intentions to give me an opportunity to improve on myself. Really, I love my reflection. I welcome the self-discovery. Notice, the MY reflection and the SELF-discovery. I like the feeling of doing things myself; that feeling of accomplishment. Come on though, I am pretty bias to myself. After all, I have the ego and pride. Yes, I am as honest to myself as I have ever been in my life, but wouldn't someone else's caring opinion hold some truth? After all, if it wasn't for the people in my life that I pushed away, hurt with my self-destruction, that love me, if it wasn't for their consistent reminder of what was really going on with me, who would I still be? Where would I be? I wouldn't be me...I denied their observations, their feelings for so long and it only caused pain, shame, and blame. What happened when I decided to take into consideration what these people, you people, my family and friends, what you had to say? I saw it. I accepted it. I was able to see that I needed help. I got help. I have you all back in my life...the way you are supposed to be in my life...and I you. I took so long because I didn't like what you were saying about me. I didn't believe it. I thought how dare you. I came up with excuses. Why? Refer to the part where I said that I'm pretty bias of myself. Now, I still fight and dislike it, initial, but after, I am seeing this tidbits of infomation as truths that I don't want to see right away. That's what they are; they are truths. The people that I have in my life aren't going to say anything to me to hurt me. If it's negative, it's because I need to see something that I may be blind to. It love that they are offering me. Love to a better me. Let's boil it down to this: I need to work very hard at replacing my ego and pride, little by little, with humility and acceptance. By doing this, my dislikes will lessen and my joy and contentment will increase. An increase in joy and contentment will bring me closer to me being the best that I can be for everyone of you.

Stronger and More Appreciative

The clouds of the past few weeks have cleared and my eyes and mind remained clear. I want to share while things are going well rather than just when I am upset. Everything is back on track. Everything is where it's supposed to be. For the first time in my life, I faced emotional hardships head-on. I dealt with, felt through the pains. People have been there to support me and I have the ability to appreciate and accept that support. I have been telling people that I've been dealing with everything the way I have been supposed to be...the mature, sober way. In doing so, I have grown stronger and stronger. The old saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Again, there's new meanings to old sayings that I never took to the time to realize. Through these tough times, I've learned that life and time is precious, love is powerful, and support is indispensable. Also, I learned that left on it's own without being in the moment with others, my mind can and will think of the most negative things possible, re-live the past, and dwell on pain. People need people...very true for me. I never realized just how much I forgot that I love to love, love to be loved, love to be a friend, and love to have friends. I went from always being with friends, to only calling when I was drunk...I always felt that I couldn't find things to talk about while sober, but when I was drunk, I could talk about anything...the only problem was that usually "anything" was a lot of anything stupid!!! I have returned to always being with friends. Not face-to-face, but through other modes of contact. You know, with the shit I've done I could spend the rest of my days apologizing. I am not going to though because simply through what I am doing and returning to my old self, I don't need to. People love the new, old me. I love the new, old me. My lifestyle change is in itself an apology and a showing that I didn't like who I had become. I love who I am becoming...a modest, humble greatness is what I will become (yes, I do sense the contradicting tone of what I just said). My aim is to be great in my own rights with everyone that is and will be in my life. I aim to make a change for the positive with anyone I come into contact with. Tough? Sure, but I will give it an honest try. I have to...it's the least I can do to give back. Without family and friends being there to be worried about me, angry with me, I probably would have never seen what was becoming of me. Without those same family and friends expressing their support and pride in me, I would be feeling and seeing that immediate changes for the better in me. This is where the modesty and humility comes into play. Without others, there would not be a chance for me to change for the better. I am not doing this by myself. I am doing this with your help. I am doing this for you. More importantly, I am doing this for me. Most importantly, I am doing this for us!

Face, feel, and love

I'm back and yes, still very sober. I definitely need to share what's going on inside. I previously mentioned that during my life, I've been lucky enough to have six close parental figures. Two Thursdays ago, one of them suffered a heart attack. Upon first hearing of this, I feel that I handled it well...as well as I could. When reaching a certain description of his state, I got up, said I didn't want to hear about it, and went outside. Although there was a reality to it happening, it took the imagery to make it all that more real. With a realization to reality, I begin to feel and it's tough sometimes. The true feelings ddin't come to surgace until I made the decision, last Wednesday, to go to the hospital today. When this decision was made, feeling of guilt and fear came rushing in. It wasn't until I was sharing those feelings that they manifested themselves into tears. I knew that the tears were needed. I knew the tears meant that I cared for someone else. Most importantly, I knew that the tears were also associated with those negative feelings of guilt and fear. Guilt of past things done that I CANNOT change. Fear of feelings of powerlessness; over his well-being. I am going to lay it out as clearly as possible. I am afraid of seeing him in his state, in the hospital bed and me not being able to do anything about it. I am afraid of seeing his boys in pain and not being able to do anything about it.
There is something I can do about the boys' pain. I can do the right thing. I can be there for the boys. Them knowing that their big bro, Trevor, is there when they need him, will make them feel better; that's what I CAN do. When their dad wakes up and learns that I was there it's just one more person to add to the already huge list of all the people that care for him. We all need to know that we are loved. From a personal and emotional standpoint, it's all that we really need. With the excess material things that run our lives, we lose focus on that true priority of love and being loved. There will be always someone with something newer, bigger, and better. The grass will always look greener on the other side if we concentrate on what's not important, what we don't have, who we don't have, and what other's has or has to offer. The grass is always green on our own side if we focus on what we do have...what have that matters...people that love us and people we love. Don't get me wrong, I will attain all the material things that I want, but I won't do it alone. It will be after and as a result of acheive loving relationships in my daily life, appreciating what matters in life, and giving more than I receive. It'll be a result of me appreciating those who love me and me showing my love to those whom I love. When it's all said and done, I'm not taking anything or anyone with me. All I'll have is my calm, inner peace. What I'll leave is the memories and love of a good man.
So what do I need to do? I need to set aside my natural selfishness to avoid the feeling of fear. I need to remember that any guilty is associated with the past and there is NOTHING I can do about it. I need to do the right thing NOW and be there for my brothers whom I love. I need to remember it's not always about me and my comfort. Soberly speaking, I need to realize that the old me wouldn't have and didn't think of others in this situation. All I did was drink, numb, and avoid. Now, it's face, feel and love.

Father/Son - One-winged Angels

First things first, this has been by far the best Father's Day that I've spent with my Dad. We were supposed to go golfing, but didn't. What we did was so much more meaningful to me. We sat out on the deck and simply talked. That's it. I learned the story of the precursor of Trev Tynes. It others words how he and my Mother met. I've always known a fairly short version, but this one was a little more in-depth. Whether or not he wants to admit it, I know where I get my soft heart and my ability to care easily. We went over an idea I have for a product in our, yes OUR, field of work. Seeking approval, it's something that I'm sure I've struggled with. My past wouldn't really allow for much approval. My present does though. Going through this idea, brainstorming together, and setting out the next steps was probably the funnest group of activities that I have ever had. To me, they were much like the time when he taught me how to play baseball and football. I know how to play those sports now...very well I might (modest, eh). With the help of Pops, this idea very well may turn into something, but if it doesn't, the time spent is what I'll remember when I'm 90. I'll remember that for as long as I will remember learning the sports. I remember those special things in childhood, and now in adulthood until I can't remember to remember.

There something else I want to touch on tonight. Many people may not and will not be able to understand this, but people like myself need other struggling or recovering people in their lives. An individual once told me that an alcoholic is like a one-winged angle. If he doesn't have another alcoholic, he will just fly in circles and eventually hit bottom. He needs the other alcoholic to fly straight, to fly high. Funny thing, I was having trouble with people seeing signs of something greater and I was confiding in this person with this. He told me that story and not a second later that he finished, another fellow (named Trevor, too) came up to us and offered me a feather....I KNOW!!! CREEPY!!! It was so creepy that I was basically forced to be more open-minded to things that I sealed away from my rational thought. I'm bringing this up because I had someone get in touch with me tonight and he confided in me. I was so honoured that he would text his "big brother" to let me know what's going on. I offered my thoughts to him to help him learn what he needed to learn. I believe in this kid. He is truly a good-hearted individual. He knows that he will never be alone in the journey. The same goes for me. If I'm having an issue with something, I have a seemingly neverending list of people to call. These guys will tell me what I don't want to hear, keep me accountable, and will care for me from here on out. Without them, I would not be where I'm at today. This is the beauty of this journey...it's people helping people...this is the way it's supposed to be. What I mean by supposed to be is that this is how EVERYONE should be. I am going to try and live by what I feel and say here. I am going to commit to being as helpful to others as I possibly can.

This has been a great few recent days. The week is ending the way it's supposed to be; happy and peaceful.

Thank you, my friends, for spending time to read these digitized feelings. I love you!

Sober Meds - sharing and listening

What happens when I don't take my sobriety meds? Sobriety meds are my meetings, entries, and interactions with other alcoholics. The answer is that I lose touch with what my main objective; serenity within myself. I lose focus on what really matters. I progressively become hazed in the fogginess of anger, resentments, and self-pity. I am supposed to be progress to perfection, but never to attaining it. When I fall off of my structure of sobriety, I being reverting back to my old ways. Yesterday was the first one I attend since last Thursday. As of yesterday, before the meeting, I had allowing anger and a slight resentment edge closer to hatred. Hatred....EWWW! GROSS!!! There were moments in the past two days that I had urges to drink. Yep, it's true. I was thinking to myself that all this effort was seeming to be too difficult and a pain in the ass. They say the program to staying sober is simply, but it's sure as hell not easy. These negative thoughts were all before my meeting yesterday, I must include. I got some shit off of my chest. I listened to others' experiences. I continued my search within to finally find where I was at fault. I made a conscious decision to change MY attitude and way of thinking. What was the result? A much more serene day. That's what I look for; serenity. As much as I sometime don't feel like doing what I'm suppose, no have, to do, I have to really keep in mind where my mind goes without what's necessary. Doing what I'm supposed to be doing...ummm, sounds a little grown-up to me! Am I really getting there? I think so!

Letting Go

There was one non-family member that had the unfortunate challenge of knowing the using me that I treated beyond poorly. Up until entering the program I was in, I had really no remorse to the things that I did to this poor person. She hoped and hoped...one more, and hoped that I would change my ways and just treat her the way that she deserved. It wasn't happening on my watch. I was enjoying my sickness. At same time, I was hating it. Really though, I was not willing to see this sickness or accept defeat. At risk of being judged my some, I'm going to briefly go over the hells that I dragged this person through. I am not too concerned about being judged because I've figured out that this method of honesty really shows me who healthy for me and who is not.

Before getting into it, I'm going to tell you how my cousin asked me why I'm not afraid of sharing me with the world. My response was born from what I learned in Windsor. In Windsor, we were forced to share things with the other alcoholics. We found that by doing so and seeiing that we were not judged by others, because they were no different, we can see that what we are so shameful of has the right to be forgiven. More importantly, if anyone did judge or talked about it, that was their problem and they weren't "there" yet. The good people in life won't judge on differences, but accept and cherish what we have in common. I am trying sooo hard not to judge and to find common grounds with people. It's tough as shit. I do catch myself all day, every day judging and picking apart personalities. By catching myself, it gives me an opportunity to take another look at myself and further refine my personal defects. It also, gives me an opportunity to put a stop to my corrosive judging. People define themselves by things that we have in common with one another. That's how civilization works. Why is it that although this is a natural tendency, there's such a paradoxical tendency to find the difference, as well? That's my question. Whatever, it's a question that I can define the answer to myself with the internal changes that I make. Finally, what the sharing with the other alcoholic did was help me accept that people are going to think what they want. Some will love me, some will hate me. Their thoughts are their's, not mine. I can't change what's theirs. I can only change what's in here...pointing to my heart.

Alright, now that I procrastinated to expose the terrible things that I've done, we can get back to it. Really, I'm not going to get into too much detail, but I still can sum it up and get the appropriate effect. This person asked me one request...to be faithful. I looked her in the eyes and promised that. That promise was not a promise. It was more of a way of getting the answer out that was necessary to get off the topic. It was on more than one occasion that, as my Nanny would say, I was running around. With that, naturally came the dishonesty. I would lie about things that wouldn't even be necessary. I would disappear for a couple of days at a time. Whether I was cheating or not, she was assuming that because I provided her the reason to believe it. I tried to set double standards. I could go out and find nothing wrong with it. If she wanted, I didn't like that too much. Jealousy...hmmm, jealousy and no trust. Why cause I saw that dishonesty in myself and projected it on her. Drunken messages...oh, the drunken messages. There were times that things got the extremes whether they were physical or verbal...ALL IN ALL THE LEVEL OF DISRESPECT WAS BEYOND WHAT SHE WAS READY FOR. All of of this affected her in a truly deep manner...even long after her and I. I never realized what kind of damage that I have done, but it's over. This is just a sharing and a releasing of what was in me. This person has begun the healing process now. In knowing this, I can begin the self-forgiveness, as well. I mustn't dwell on what happened in the past...just has I made a point of in my last entry. Today, today, today. I, now, know who I was in the past. I'm beginning to know today's me. I'm going to end this with letting you know that RIGHT NOW, I am in a wonderfully peaceful place and I am very excited for this weekend...

Today - the one day that counts.

Let me tell you something about resentments. They are the one thing that prevents relationships from continuing and blossoming. For me, they caused continuous negative feelings. Negative feeling that included fears of relationships, anger, bottled up emotions that could only be expressed while drunk. I've noticed that resentments also prevent people from being responsible through responding and only allow them to react. Until my resentment were diluted, I wasn't able to accept responsibility for my past actions, enjoy the full relationships that were meant to be, or simply be happy. There is something going on my life right now that is difficult to deal with. The person involved is someone I care for in the pure meaning of caring. I feel powerless over the situation. I feel that there are too many unknowns. If there are unknowns and powerlessness, I mind become to be in shambles. I wanted to share this Thursday, but I couldn't. I needed to compose myself and reflect to really be able to share the positives that are arising from this situation. Without getting into detail, which is tough, I have to be able to, at least, lay the groundwork. Someone I know is in trouble. I don't know the consequences of this trouble. Me not knowing is opening the door to a great deal of fear. Me not knowing also makes me feel powerless. This feeling of powerlessness makes me also feel angry. I like to be in control of things, but I'm not God. There is a plan in the stars and I have to let go and allow whatever is to happen happen...this is very difficult. I don't like things that are difficult. I like the easier route. If I wasn't good at something, I would say that I didn't like it and quit. Anything that I was a natural at, I loved it and continued on until others became just as good as me. At which point, I would come up with an excuse and quit. Baseball, basketball, football...I quit them all because I wasn't at the top. Most importantly, I wasn't, or at least I thought I wasn't, good at being sober. I was great at consuming booze and drugs...so I continued. I stopped because I wasn't any good at it anymore. I mean, I was still great at the act of consuming, but the resulting actions of mine weren't so great. In fact, I became terrible with how I acted and dealt with me. My life was completely unmanageable. I'm very slowly getting good at being sober. It's the first time I'm actually taking steps to improve my feelings of me, my ability to be social, and my ability to think of others first. Most importantly, I getting good to releasing my resentments. So we're back to the resentments. I didn't get a little off track there. For reasons unnecessary to disclose, this person that's in trouble, was the main focus my resentments. Through, accepting my sick behaviours, understanding that I'm not perfect, and accepting that others aren't perfect, I have been able to wash myself to this garbage. In doing so, I've come to realize that yes, I do feel powerless and scared, but why? It's because I care for this person. Would I feel these intense emotions to this degree if I was still holding on to these resentments? N.O.! Sure they would be there, but not to the extend that would bring me to tears when talking about it. This is the positive that I need to realized before I could share anything. Mind you, this does not take away from the fact that stress it still there. I have to help myself relieve myself of the stress. I have to accept that this is what is going on. I have to accept that I am not in control. At the top of the list of HAVE TOs would be to just live for today, appreciate the love in my life today, and embrace that I care today rather than worrying about things that I cannot control tommorow, or stressing over things that I cannot possibly predict tomorrow. Today not Tomorrow. Today not Yesterday.

Spoiled vs. Struggling

I was talking to someone the other day regarding my recovery. I mentioned my struggles and he replied along the lines of being spoiled not struggling. I became defensive right away and tried to discount what he said. As he proceeded to speak, preventing me to say mine, I was becoming more and more agitated. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because I know this guy (me) has been spoiled from day 1. I've always had an out. I've always had someone to fall back on. I've never walked through life without a lifeline. This is exactly the point he was trying to get across. This messed me up so much that it took me away from what I really meant by "struggles." It took me until later that night while reviewing/reflecting on my day to really see what was really going. The fact that I wasn't ready, at that point, to see the truth made for my pride to be hurt. Stupid pride! Pride along with a laundry list of these character deficiencies that I have work on and mitigate. To say the least, it's taxing and frustrating. It's funny, this is exactly what I meant by struggles. It's these struggles to be aware of, catch, and stop these slips in character. Sure, I am progressing successfully, but I'm the type of person that expects me to be great at everything. When I'm not in comes the frustration and anger. Really, the only thing keeping me sane is the support of loved ones (you), meetings, and writing the inside garbage out with this outlet. You see, what I just said about expecting myself to great...deficiency. In my program, someone said that we walk in thinking we have one or two problems, drugs and/or alcohol, then we leave with a list of 62,000. I laughed...it's funny cuz it's true. Is it every true. For the gentleman that brought up the point of being spoiled and begun the ball rolling to the point that I had to look at myself even deeper, he deserves my thanks. For myself, I have to continue to grow-up, stand on my own. In addition, I have to accept me and my deficiencies, learn to be patient with my progression, and continuously persevere. There isn't a magic pill. This is a lifelong journey. I am going to fall and scrap my knee, but I am going to get back up, dust myself off, and continue.

Powerful Happenings

Good morning. I've been slacking as of late. My excuses are that I've been quite tired after my daily physicalities with meetings on top of that. I realize that they are just excuses. I've returned to Sarnia for the weekend. This is where really it all began. I have hesitations when the thought of Sarnia come into play. There's a mixture of excitment and fear associated with my visits to Sarnhole. I've only been back 4 times since beginning my journey of sobriety. They were for Christmas, Easter, after Graduation, and now, for my Mommykins' visit from Alberta. Yep, I did write Mommykins'. Have I ever called her that? No, but it just came over me to give her that term of endearment. Since my last entry, a few great things have happened.

The first one occurred at my meeting on Thursday. One of the fellowship was expaining that she had a powerful Godly experience. It was quite moving. When it was my turn to share I was quite emotional and content. Sobriety is a strange and wonderful thing. I had a moment of realization that I have made progress on spiritual level that I never thought would be. You see, I've always been quite scientific and mathematical. I've always been very anti-religious. My Mom would always try and make me read the Bible, talk to me about praying. I would become angry and irritated. The more I heard about it there more I would put up a barrier. A few months ago, if I would've heard someone talking about hearing God, I would've rolled my eyes, sighed heavily, and walked away resentful and angry. Now, I hear this sharing and I am listening, getting teary eyed, and am being open to this possibility. I have an open-mind to a Higher Power and now believe that anything is possible. Perhaps, what I've so strongly held on to for 30 plus year could be wrong. This is what I shared about in Windsor that if I were to accept that there could be a God or a Higher Power would mean that I would have to let go of something that I believed so strongly in my whole life. If you know me from before, then you know that I like to be right ALL OF THE TIME. It's a matter of pride and ego. To admit or accept that I could be wrong is an incredible stepping stone for my sobriety and spiritual growth. I'm not there, not in the least bit, but I am open to the possibilities. I am accepting of others' view, experiences, and beliefs. With this bring a great deal of peace, calmness, and tranquility.

The second came yesterday when I got into Sarnia. I have TERRIBLE credit. Right from when I was 19 when I got that student credit card at Seneca and maxed it out in Sarnia in 10 days and never paid it back my credits been poop. I had no sense of obligations went it came to credit and no sense of consequence. Unfortunate mindset, but a reality. Over the past few years, many opportunities were missed because of my financial immaturity. It has been a boiling point for self-pity as well. I'm not going to get into everything that has been missed, but I will tell you that I am on my way to normalcy. I know that I am unable to get a unsecured credit card, but there's is the option to go the secured route. Somewhat of topic, I've made a list of personal actions that I must take to achieve certain things in my life. I guess we'll call them goals. This isn't the first time I've written out goals, or other ideas for that matter. There has never been an excution though. I guess it a good thing that I bought that Making Ideas Happen book rather than the book for picking up women. One of things on my list was to get a secured credit card. I've went through the process of applying, but when it was time to pay my money was appropriated to other "more important things" such as the drinks or the drugs. I went to the bank yesterday right before it closed and got a money order for the security fund for the card signed to the "lending" bank. I never got over that hump. I've made that past elusive step. I'm sorry I had to bow my head there in thanks and just give myself an internal, "right on"

The last thing that made me feel great about myself is that I owed somebody very close to me some money for well over a year. I was in Sarnia in November of 2008. It was the last time I saw that close person until I entered the recovery program. I missed my ride home to Brampton because I was continuing my bender and because I was being inconsiderate. I missed work on the Monday without calling. In order to get home, he had to lend me the money for the train and cab. This was on top of money that he'd given me for booze and food. This was money for his trip to Jamaica in which I promised to pay back the next week. This was money that he was relying on for his trip, money that he diligently saved. I never did pay him back. I left him high and dry. He went, but with less than he wanted go with. The guilt and shame attached to the inconsiderations to someone that I apparently loved was more than too much. It wasn't too much though. I should've felt that shit because what I did was disgusting. I'm actually feeling kind of ill about it now. The thought sickens me. Let's refocus on the present now though. He's forgiven me, but I haven't fully myself. During Christmas, he said not to worry about it. He that we're are straight. I offered him some money yesterday. It was about half of what I owe. He refused it until I'm more sturdy on my feet. That old saying...it's the thought that counts...rings very true here. He appreciates the offer and the willingness. I appreciate his patience and support. We are back to our old tight ways and although the thoughts of the past things I did make my stomach turn, I do .have a sense of comfort that self-forgiveness is an eventual given. In doing the right thing comes a right feeling.

Principles over Personalities

During my recovery, I've been given the tools to relieve myself of the soul-corroding resentment that I was plagued with. I learned about these crazy things called forgiveness and acceptance. It's the acceptance that I was to talk about tonight. In my 24 Hours a Day book, I read that God's way is one of love and tolerance. Tonight, I also want to talk about tolerance. You see, tolerance and acceptance go hand-in-hand. At my Wednesday meeting, we are given a choice to make a topic for discussion. I whole-heartedly made mine accepting other people. I feel that I pretty much liked everyone while I was drunk. While sober on the other hand is a different story. For the most part, I like and get along with plenty. You know what, it's my fellow gender that gets me going so much. I was a great deal of pride and I still am very ego-reactive. If someone makes me feel that I don't know what I'm talking about, don't know what I'm doing, discounts my suggestions,or simply interrupts me while I feel I am inputting something of value, I become flushed with anger, resentment, and spiteful thoughts. It all comes down to having a "dick swinging" contest (excuse the language). Unless I'm tired and cranky, I don't usually fly off the handle and get terribly angry. I do, however, become passive-aggressive with tactics of sarcasm, silent-treatment, or complete omission of the others presence. I know it's immature, but I can't help it. I do have the power to, as someone said tonight, "spot it and stop it." What I've been able to do through my awareness is try and stand in the others' shoes. Perhaps, the other person is just trying to help and give me an opportunity to learn. Perhaps, the others person has good intentions. The fact is that both of the instances are true, but my ego and pride cloud what's really going on. Since ego and pride are so sensitive in me, I react in a overly sensitive manner. Don't get me wrong, there are times were people are just being assholes, but it's up to me, still, not to react and accept people for who they are, what's on their mind, how they know in dealing with others. It my mind, my feelings, my mood that I'M in control of. If I allow others to affect me in a negative way, it's all on me. Again, I have a choice. It's not easy always, but it is my responsiblity in order to stay happy, stay positive, and most importantly, stay sober. In AA, we say Principle over Personalities. That's something that I must remember all of the time. Don't worry, you guys (and gals) are alright in my books...:)

Healthy and Unheathy Fear

Kinda late isn't it. There were a couple of anniversaries tonight at my meeting. One celebrated her 1 year! The other, a 70-something year old, his 10 year! This man quit when he had been drinking his whole life. He had been drinking for longer than how long many of us combined have been living. For me, if had waiting until 60-something to quit, I don't think I would. To do something like that speaks volumes to his character. It also shows that it really is never too late. I was talking to a brother yesterday, he's 17, and he decided to go down this path as well. Let's face it, at 17 I was even thinking that there was a problem. The only problem I thought I had was not having a fake ID. This kid is years ahead of the game and I hope that he realizes it. He's become like another little brother to me. So, at 17 and trying to calm the turmoil that his addictions have cause shows that it's never too early, either. While in the shower, I was contemplating what I was going to write about tonight. My day was excellent and I couldn't think about anything that really stuck to me that was negative to I made the decision to make the topic about blame. I know I've briefly discussed blame, but not in it's entirity. It's funny what life has to offer and how things can be changed. I attended this meeting. I was listening to the speaker and I made the decision to change tonight's writing. This guy almost had me in tears. He touched home on so many levels. I rubbed my face in amazement and someone joked with me to wake up. Little did he know that my mind was in a Wow moment. Remember I mentioned about feeling alone while practicing? While it is true in the sense of ostasizing myself from loved ones, it hold gravely true when it comes to feeling different from absolutely everyone. Without the program, without sharing with the other men, without hearing other peoples stories at these meeting I would still feel unique in regards to my feelings, helplessness, insecurities, and antics. I'm not going to get into detail of what this man said, but I will let you in on one of my reactions to something he said. He mentioned great lengths of sobriety, becoming a addictions councellor, and repeatedly returning to his practicing ways. This SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! You can tell I'm very passionate about this new way of live and love. I have continuous thoughts of taking part-time classes to become an addictions councellor. Like the speaker, I want to give back and help others and feel safer with the fact that if I'm immersed in the field then I'll be that much more accountable. Do you see the parralles? Because I do! This is what bring in the this fear. There is a major difference in this type of fear and the fear that I've previously touched on. The latter fear can be described as anxiety-causes, debilitating, counter-productive, opportunity-smothering. In other words, that type of fear is negative. The former fear, I feel, should be described as stress-causing, productive, and opportunity-providing. These can be all true if this positive and grounding fear is harnessed in the proper way. So when I say that it's stressful it's because I'm seeing that this son of bitch alcoholism is a sneaky and cunning MFer. Through typing this out and feeling it out and am able to indentify these traps of complacency. I've become complacent before and 5 years later, I was in Brampton on my way to Windsor for round 2 of recovery. The difference now is that I've learned to feel more, dig more, and find the silver-lining. The difference is now I realize that I have you and so many others that care for me. So, here and there, down the road, challenge me on my complacency, if necessary. If I get mad, it's because you've noticed something that I now deep inside. If I don't, it's because I've recognized it too. Deal? Coooo! Well, good night and I love you!

Simply Thankful

Wow, it's the support and love from those who count the most that make this sharing worthwhile. It's people that are in my life today. I was reading the comments today and there was a mix of facial expression. I had a continuous grin, edging on a full out smile. While in the facial pose that I enjoy having so much, I was beginning to really feel what I have in my life. This brought out the softer, more sensitive side of Trev. This is where I became a little misty eyed. Your heart-felt comments really did make my day. I'll tell you that my day was so relaxing that I really feel that I was going to make an entry today, but here I am. I also didn't do anything productive today. It feels like I didn't, but I really did and it didn't even feel like actual work. I was able to implement some of what I learned from my reading of my new book, Making Ideas Happen. This is the book that I got as a birthday present instead of the book I was referring to yesterday. When a decision is made out of necessity or what right rather than out of the more negative feelings such as fear or lust that decision allows me to put one step forward. It's all about progress. Back to my productivity, I organized some thoughts, aspirations, and most importantly some inventive ideas. Rather than just reading and taking mental notes, as I usually do, I actually put some of these ideas into action. So, I've made the first steps (of many) to achieving. So, I'm very excited about that.

Last night, I was honoured by an anonymous friend. He called me and confided in me. He told me that he reads these entries on a daily basis. He even said that I'm sounding somewhat like an infomercial. He and I where quite a pair. He's seen me at my worst and yet, there is an abundance of respect for what's going on. For two grown men to talk on a deeper level of problem issues and frustrations, there needs to be a certain amount of trust. This is trust that only came in drunken or doped up form. I never allowed people to trust me. This is because I wasn't trustworthy. I was a liar. I was thief. I was a cheater. With me cleaning the slate, this has provided me and others an opportunity for honest exchanges. With honest exchanges comes opportunities for helping others, for complete understandings. Again, it was truly an honour for the talk that I had last night.

Let me breakdown what I'm thankful for right now. I'm thankful to have loveing family and friend that support me in the way I truly need; emotionally. I'm thankful that I still am in contact with some of my brothers from my program in Windsor. I'm thankful that I am in a position to be of help to others; service. I am thankful that I have this sharing outlet. I am thankful for my health and the health of others. I am thankful for the on-going feedback that I receive. I am thankful to be SOBER!

Puzzling...

It puzzles me that I am intrigued, attracted to, appreciate something that I need booze or other cruches to feel comfortable around. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of a major contributor to my drinking. It also made me aware of a serious obstacle in staying sober. Someone moved in across the street a couple of weeks ago; a lovely lady. Pizza was ordered yesterday and when I went upstairs to see if the delivery person was there, I saw that my Step-Ma was outside talking to the girl and her friend. Her friend was female as well. For those who read this and know me from my drinking past, you know how I was with the booze in me. I'd talk to anyone, flirt with anyone, was comfortable talking with anyone. In this case, anyone would equate to any female. While on my program in Windsor, it became quite clear, something that I always knew and felt deep down inside, that the reason I drink was to make it easier to talk to the opposite sex. Yesterday, I opened the door, saw them all talking across the street and IMMEDIATELY closed the door. Why? Scared! It was like I was 4 years old and hiding behind my Mom's leg when someone I didn't know was talking to me. Some may say shy, I didn't, but the truth is that it's fear. I don't care what anyone says. Everyone has fears. There are differences in how people handle it. One way is to drink or do drugs to lower inhibitions and give false courage. The other, healtier way, is to go against the grain, push the boundries of one's comfort zone, and fight the fear. As one with an alcoholic mind, I can attest that my thought patterns are based on the worst-case scenario. I expect an outcome that would adversly affect my pride and self-worth. Through practicing the latter of the two methods of coping with fear, one can see that, in most cases, the outcome of is not as bad as originally imagined, reducing the fear, and expanding the comfort zone. So, what would I be most afraid of when it comes to talking to woman that I don't know? Before I get to that, I'm going to tell a story that may give the answer. In Windsor, I was out with a couple of my brothers. There was a girl that struck me and I told my buddy about how attractive she was a pointed her out. He, having no problem with talking, said that he would go talk to her for me. I almost had an outburst of anger. I was very much against this. I think I need some !!!! for how much I didn't want him to do it. He didn't. A few weeks later, myself, same one brother, and another one went to Chuck E. Cheese's with their boys. Afterward, there were a couple of older women, 60s or so, that were smiling at the boys. I was able to talk to them, make jokes, laugh, and feel comfortable. Now, the other buddy makes the comment along the lines that I see a lovely female my age and I run like a little boy. I see a couple of geriatric woman and I'm smiling, cracking jokes..." It was outrageously hilarious and I laughed hard with the simple reply, "It's funny cause it's true." And it was perfectly true. This moderately embarassing moment was a thought-inducer. As I looked within to find the why's, it dawned upon me. With a 60 year old woman, it's obvious to me that I'm not going to try to take things futher; less pressure. With someone my own age, there is that pressure. It's the pressure, or FEAR, of rejection. Why the fear of rejection? To me, I find that this fear is dabilitating. This fear is enough so that I can't think of things to say. Knowing that, I want to avoid looking like a jack-ass; I want to protect my pride. So it's the fear of my pride being underminded. There are couple more aspects to this, as well. There is the self-worth issue. Being self-conscious of being funny enough, smart enough, a conversationalist. These all hinder me in my pursuit. And this is a perfect seguay to what's really going on. I'm on a pursuit. Usually, I'm straight to the "end game". I apologize, but the truth must be told. I find you females very attractive and yummy. I even what very close to buy a book about picking up woman today. One of the reason's I didn't was that I didn't want to go a pay for it. That would've been far too embarassing for me. There was an offer to me to be purchased for me rather than I going up. After some thought, I passed. It wasn't the right thing to do. If I am to find a lasting and meaningful relationship, I need to stop the pursuit, stop that predatorial mind-set. A mind-set that is too fearful to be placed into use....Hmmm! I said to the person with me that when it's time that right female will be placed in my life. At that point, I thought about the events that took place yesterday. I have forgotten to live in the "Now" and see an interaction as an opportunity of friendship, an opportunity to know get to know someone, an opportunity to create a bond. In doing this, opportunities are given, the pressure of rejection is relieved, and spirituality may blossom. It's not all about physical pleasure. It's all about the pleasure of the soul. Really though, I have plenty of female friends. The truth is that I prefer them. At the end of the day, the fear of rejection are the self-consciousness are unnecessary because if the people in my life right now, the people that count, accept me then the people that are place in my life as opportunities will accept me as well. I just need to accept myself. Slowly, but surely my friends...slowly, but surely. At that, I'm going to end this entry. There's more to say, but I will revisit the female issue and the perpetual facade that was me...you just have to wait though!

The Day of Poor Me and What Being Grateful can do.

Alright, so today was my first of my second week back at work. I placed someone very important to me in a position to fire me last year. Let me break it down like this: Friday, I completed my first full week during my first week. Last year, before I was let go, I had two or three full weeks (no absents, no lates) in 10 weeks of employment. All the other weeks I had at most 4 days pay and I was perpetually late. One would think that I would be grateful to have my job back. One would also think that I would be happy that, at least, I have a job. There are others that are laid off, are unable to work, or can't find work. Shoot, there are people that have gone through programs as I did and are going to the food bank! For the love of God, where was the gratefulness! Didn't have it.

This is what kind of person that I am. I expect perfection from myself, others, and situations; most of myself. When something doesn't go right at work, I go from the cheerful Trev, to the sulking, tempter-tantrum-having Trev. Attitude goes straight out the window. Were others privileged enough to experience needing-to-lose-the-'tude-Trev? Oooooh ya! I even had someone comment on the fact they don't like this Trev's attitude...This Trev's...like I'm multi-personalities....COME ON! I'll come back to this one, but first, I have to address my ego.

I'll tell how my pride dictates my mood. I was at the airport today were there were people in suits, flight attendant, pilots, etc walking around. Now, there was me dirty, carrying a shovel, and cold. I felt less-than. This is were the Day of Poor Me began. Rather than being grateful for what I had, I was dwelling on what others had, what I didn't have, what I could've had. To sum it up I was completely immersed in Self-Pity. Let me reiterate, in absence of being peace, love, and tranquility for everything good in my life leaves only room for the chaos, hate, and turmoil that is have an excuse to feel bad about myself; self-pity. Make sense? It does now to me.

Yes, it is becoming clearer and clearer daily. A gift of this sober life is awareness. Awareness in self, others, and life. With the awareness of how I am being perceived, the awareness of how I am affecting others, and the awareness in what I really want in life allowed me to change my attitude today. I went from frowning and thinking to myself, "wow, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to make others feel this way, but I don't want to just TRY and put on a decent face and seem like I'm bi-polar or have a mood-issues to these guys...TOO LATE! What did I do? I turned, stared at my co-worker with a crazy face and made him laugh. I laughed. I felt better. He welcomed Trevor back. It the awareness that offers me a choice now. A choice in gratefulness or self-pity; giving in feelings of joy or selfish in my actions affecting others. It's a choice.

Who I Am

I feel that there is some need to briefly give a basic background on who I am. 31, that's my age. I have been clean of drugs and alcohol since December 3, 2009; for a little over 4 months. I never thought that I was the type of person to expose myself to anyone unless I was self-medicated with intoxicants. My experiences, feelings, short-comings, everything will given away. In doing so, my thoughts and feelings revealed will act as an internal release, a sharing mechanisms, a thought organizer, and a emotional progression gauge. Right now, I am not entirely sure where I am going to start, but I am going to set aside fear-based hesitations and jump into it.

On December 4, 2009, I joined a recovery program in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. I spent my first three months of sobriety living under the roofs of this "house." I graduated from the program on March 6, 2010. I think this is one of the most important things to reveal because this is where I gained my strength, tools, and love to continue my recovery. I learned a lot about myself in the short three months. I learned a lot about other people with the same issues as myself. I learned about my fears, my weaknesses, and my forgotten strengths. What's amazing is that I learned that most of my weaknesses weren't always weaknesses they were strengths that I once had, but as previously stated, were forgotten. I came to remember that I was an admired person by many. I came to realize that I am a loved person. I came to feel that I am a loving person. Charming, loving, sensitive, emotional (which isn't a weakness, but a strength), and others are traits that have been forgotten and left ungroomed, unrefined. I allowed my idea of being emotional as being weak eat away at the very essence of me; transforming me into the lost, scared, and angry man-child that I am slowly letting go of. I also come to be aware that this transformation led me into a connected negative. This negative come in the form of me being very much about self; selfish, self-centred, self-motivation, and so on. Most of my decisions were and are based on me; how I can benefit, what who be easiest for me, how will I feel about it. These decisions brought me on my journey to me, December 4, 2009; my lowest. I say my lowest, but it was the end of my lowest cycle and the beginning of something fantastic. That something fantastic is a new journey of me continuously improving, accepting and loving myself.

My plan is to post daily logs, to cover and share what I have learned during my three month stay at the House that saved my life, share my troubles and how I am able to see the positives in those trouble. I am going to share who I am on the inside; positive and negative. Now I know that I haven't introduced myself completely, but that's okay because all the necessary information with me included with my future sharings.

GudTynz out