Look at me...getting all growns up!

This has been a big hiatus I must say. As of June 3rd, I was 6 months sober. Yes, that's a whole half of a year. There was a time in my life that I thought stopping partying was for quitters. Now, I feel that there is something to say about this continued sobriety. I posted my initial 3 day countdown and my 6 month status update and the comments and thumbs up were just great. This shows me, what I've known for sometime, that people really do like "Sober Trev" I heard that a lot initially, but not as much anymore. This is who I am now. I'm not "Sober Trev" anymore. This is me. The novelty wore off, it has been consumed with support, it has become me. To me, I'm just Trev.

Really though, I'm Trev that is becoming more and more responsible daily. Here are some updates in my continued growth. My very first passport is coming in the mail. Once that's in, I will have legitimate identification so I can confirm my id with Capitol One. That will lead to my credit card to be in transit. This will be my first one that I treat with respect, diligence, and responsibility. I transformed the seemingly shit fact of a couple of rain days into opportunities to be constructive and productive. I compiled a list of conscious debts and delinquent accounts. I made my attempts to contact them and set up payment plans. Any others that I missed, I will be able to find them with my credit report...that I'm going to finally be able to get with my credit card. From there, I can start calling the missed account. Finally, during one of the rain days, I set-up my RRSPs. It's funny, I was suppose to be a financial consultant, but I had mine in shambles. HAHA! That's strangely odd to me. Two years, is my new goal of home-ownership. It's will happen a lot sooner than I originally thought. Really, I didn't think it would happen ever and if it did, it'd be closer to me being 40. That was me worry about what my past has done to my future. What I am doing now is working in the now and doing what I have to do now to ensure that bright future. That bright future that I no longer dread, but am open to and excited about.

Principles over Personalities

During my recovery, I've been given the tools to relieve myself of the soul-corroding resentment that I was plagued with. I learned about these crazy things called forgiveness and acceptance. It's the acceptance that I was to talk about tonight. In my 24 Hours a Day book, I read that God's way is one of love and tolerance. Tonight, I also want to talk about tolerance. You see, tolerance and acceptance go hand-in-hand. At my Wednesday meeting, we are given a choice to make a topic for discussion. I whole-heartedly made mine accepting other people. I feel that I pretty much liked everyone while I was drunk. While sober on the other hand is a different story. For the most part, I like and get along with plenty. You know what, it's my fellow gender that gets me going so much. I was a great deal of pride and I still am very ego-reactive. If someone makes me feel that I don't know what I'm talking about, don't know what I'm doing, discounts my suggestions,or simply interrupts me while I feel I am inputting something of value, I become flushed with anger, resentment, and spiteful thoughts. It all comes down to having a "dick swinging" contest (excuse the language). Unless I'm tired and cranky, I don't usually fly off the handle and get terribly angry. I do, however, become passive-aggressive with tactics of sarcasm, silent-treatment, or complete omission of the others presence. I know it's immature, but I can't help it. I do have the power to, as someone said tonight, "spot it and stop it." What I've been able to do through my awareness is try and stand in the others' shoes. Perhaps, the other person is just trying to help and give me an opportunity to learn. Perhaps, the others person has good intentions. The fact is that both of the instances are true, but my ego and pride cloud what's really going on. Since ego and pride are so sensitive in me, I react in a overly sensitive manner. Don't get me wrong, there are times were people are just being assholes, but it's up to me, still, not to react and accept people for who they are, what's on their mind, how they know in dealing with others. It my mind, my feelings, my mood that I'M in control of. If I allow others to affect me in a negative way, it's all on me. Again, I have a choice. It's not easy always, but it is my responsiblity in order to stay happy, stay positive, and most importantly, stay sober. In AA, we say Principle over Personalities. That's something that I must remember all of the time. Don't worry, you guys (and gals) are alright in my books...:)

Healthy and Unheathy Fear

Kinda late isn't it. There were a couple of anniversaries tonight at my meeting. One celebrated her 1 year! The other, a 70-something year old, his 10 year! This man quit when he had been drinking his whole life. He had been drinking for longer than how long many of us combined have been living. For me, if had waiting until 60-something to quit, I don't think I would. To do something like that speaks volumes to his character. It also shows that it really is never too late. I was talking to a brother yesterday, he's 17, and he decided to go down this path as well. Let's face it, at 17 I was even thinking that there was a problem. The only problem I thought I had was not having a fake ID. This kid is years ahead of the game and I hope that he realizes it. He's become like another little brother to me. So, at 17 and trying to calm the turmoil that his addictions have cause shows that it's never too early, either. While in the shower, I was contemplating what I was going to write about tonight. My day was excellent and I couldn't think about anything that really stuck to me that was negative to I made the decision to make the topic about blame. I know I've briefly discussed blame, but not in it's entirity. It's funny what life has to offer and how things can be changed. I attended this meeting. I was listening to the speaker and I made the decision to change tonight's writing. This guy almost had me in tears. He touched home on so many levels. I rubbed my face in amazement and someone joked with me to wake up. Little did he know that my mind was in a Wow moment. Remember I mentioned about feeling alone while practicing? While it is true in the sense of ostasizing myself from loved ones, it hold gravely true when it comes to feeling different from absolutely everyone. Without the program, without sharing with the other men, without hearing other peoples stories at these meeting I would still feel unique in regards to my feelings, helplessness, insecurities, and antics. I'm not going to get into detail of what this man said, but I will let you in on one of my reactions to something he said. He mentioned great lengths of sobriety, becoming a addictions councellor, and repeatedly returning to his practicing ways. This SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! You can tell I'm very passionate about this new way of live and love. I have continuous thoughts of taking part-time classes to become an addictions councellor. Like the speaker, I want to give back and help others and feel safer with the fact that if I'm immersed in the field then I'll be that much more accountable. Do you see the parralles? Because I do! This is what bring in the this fear. There is a major difference in this type of fear and the fear that I've previously touched on. The latter fear can be described as anxiety-causes, debilitating, counter-productive, opportunity-smothering. In other words, that type of fear is negative. The former fear, I feel, should be described as stress-causing, productive, and opportunity-providing. These can be all true if this positive and grounding fear is harnessed in the proper way. So when I say that it's stressful it's because I'm seeing that this son of bitch alcoholism is a sneaky and cunning MFer. Through typing this out and feeling it out and am able to indentify these traps of complacency. I've become complacent before and 5 years later, I was in Brampton on my way to Windsor for round 2 of recovery. The difference now is that I've learned to feel more, dig more, and find the silver-lining. The difference is now I realize that I have you and so many others that care for me. So, here and there, down the road, challenge me on my complacency, if necessary. If I get mad, it's because you've noticed something that I now deep inside. If I don't, it's because I've recognized it too. Deal? Coooo! Well, good night and I love you!

Puzzling...

It puzzles me that I am intrigued, attracted to, appreciate something that I need booze or other cruches to feel comfortable around. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of a major contributor to my drinking. It also made me aware of a serious obstacle in staying sober. Someone moved in across the street a couple of weeks ago; a lovely lady. Pizza was ordered yesterday and when I went upstairs to see if the delivery person was there, I saw that my Step-Ma was outside talking to the girl and her friend. Her friend was female as well. For those who read this and know me from my drinking past, you know how I was with the booze in me. I'd talk to anyone, flirt with anyone, was comfortable talking with anyone. In this case, anyone would equate to any female. While on my program in Windsor, it became quite clear, something that I always knew and felt deep down inside, that the reason I drink was to make it easier to talk to the opposite sex. Yesterday, I opened the door, saw them all talking across the street and IMMEDIATELY closed the door. Why? Scared! It was like I was 4 years old and hiding behind my Mom's leg when someone I didn't know was talking to me. Some may say shy, I didn't, but the truth is that it's fear. I don't care what anyone says. Everyone has fears. There are differences in how people handle it. One way is to drink or do drugs to lower inhibitions and give false courage. The other, healtier way, is to go against the grain, push the boundries of one's comfort zone, and fight the fear. As one with an alcoholic mind, I can attest that my thought patterns are based on the worst-case scenario. I expect an outcome that would adversly affect my pride and self-worth. Through practicing the latter of the two methods of coping with fear, one can see that, in most cases, the outcome of is not as bad as originally imagined, reducing the fear, and expanding the comfort zone. So, what would I be most afraid of when it comes to talking to woman that I don't know? Before I get to that, I'm going to tell a story that may give the answer. In Windsor, I was out with a couple of my brothers. There was a girl that struck me and I told my buddy about how attractive she was a pointed her out. He, having no problem with talking, said that he would go talk to her for me. I almost had an outburst of anger. I was very much against this. I think I need some !!!! for how much I didn't want him to do it. He didn't. A few weeks later, myself, same one brother, and another one went to Chuck E. Cheese's with their boys. Afterward, there were a couple of older women, 60s or so, that were smiling at the boys. I was able to talk to them, make jokes, laugh, and feel comfortable. Now, the other buddy makes the comment along the lines that I see a lovely female my age and I run like a little boy. I see a couple of geriatric woman and I'm smiling, cracking jokes..." It was outrageously hilarious and I laughed hard with the simple reply, "It's funny cause it's true." And it was perfectly true. This moderately embarassing moment was a thought-inducer. As I looked within to find the why's, it dawned upon me. With a 60 year old woman, it's obvious to me that I'm not going to try to take things futher; less pressure. With someone my own age, there is that pressure. It's the pressure, or FEAR, of rejection. Why the fear of rejection? To me, I find that this fear is dabilitating. This fear is enough so that I can't think of things to say. Knowing that, I want to avoid looking like a jack-ass; I want to protect my pride. So it's the fear of my pride being underminded. There are couple more aspects to this, as well. There is the self-worth issue. Being self-conscious of being funny enough, smart enough, a conversationalist. These all hinder me in my pursuit. And this is a perfect seguay to what's really going on. I'm on a pursuit. Usually, I'm straight to the "end game". I apologize, but the truth must be told. I find you females very attractive and yummy. I even what very close to buy a book about picking up woman today. One of the reason's I didn't was that I didn't want to go a pay for it. That would've been far too embarassing for me. There was an offer to me to be purchased for me rather than I going up. After some thought, I passed. It wasn't the right thing to do. If I am to find a lasting and meaningful relationship, I need to stop the pursuit, stop that predatorial mind-set. A mind-set that is too fearful to be placed into use....Hmmm! I said to the person with me that when it's time that right female will be placed in my life. At that point, I thought about the events that took place yesterday. I have forgotten to live in the "Now" and see an interaction as an opportunity of friendship, an opportunity to know get to know someone, an opportunity to create a bond. In doing this, opportunities are given, the pressure of rejection is relieved, and spirituality may blossom. It's not all about physical pleasure. It's all about the pleasure of the soul. Really though, I have plenty of female friends. The truth is that I prefer them. At the end of the day, the fear of rejection are the self-consciousness are unnecessary because if the people in my life right now, the people that count, accept me then the people that are place in my life as opportunities will accept me as well. I just need to accept myself. Slowly, but surely my friends...slowly, but surely. At that, I'm going to end this entry. There's more to say, but I will revisit the female issue and the perpetual facade that was me...you just have to wait though!