Spoiled vs. Struggling

I was talking to someone the other day regarding my recovery. I mentioned my struggles and he replied along the lines of being spoiled not struggling. I became defensive right away and tried to discount what he said. As he proceeded to speak, preventing me to say mine, I was becoming more and more agitated. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because I know this guy (me) has been spoiled from day 1. I've always had an out. I've always had someone to fall back on. I've never walked through life without a lifeline. This is exactly the point he was trying to get across. This messed me up so much that it took me away from what I really meant by "struggles." It took me until later that night while reviewing/reflecting on my day to really see what was really going. The fact that I wasn't ready, at that point, to see the truth made for my pride to be hurt. Stupid pride! Pride along with a laundry list of these character deficiencies that I have work on and mitigate. To say the least, it's taxing and frustrating. It's funny, this is exactly what I meant by struggles. It's these struggles to be aware of, catch, and stop these slips in character. Sure, I am progressing successfully, but I'm the type of person that expects me to be great at everything. When I'm not in comes the frustration and anger. Really, the only thing keeping me sane is the support of loved ones (you), meetings, and writing the inside garbage out with this outlet. You see, what I just said about expecting myself to great...deficiency. In my program, someone said that we walk in thinking we have one or two problems, drugs and/or alcohol, then we leave with a list of 62,000. I laughed...it's funny cuz it's true. Is it every true. For the gentleman that brought up the point of being spoiled and begun the ball rolling to the point that I had to look at myself even deeper, he deserves my thanks. For myself, I have to continue to grow-up, stand on my own. In addition, I have to accept me and my deficiencies, learn to be patient with my progression, and continuously persevere. There isn't a magic pill. This is a lifelong journey. I am going to fall and scrap my knee, but I am going to get back up, dust myself off, and continue.

Puzzling...

It puzzles me that I am intrigued, attracted to, appreciate something that I need booze or other cruches to feel comfortable around. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of a major contributor to my drinking. It also made me aware of a serious obstacle in staying sober. Someone moved in across the street a couple of weeks ago; a lovely lady. Pizza was ordered yesterday and when I went upstairs to see if the delivery person was there, I saw that my Step-Ma was outside talking to the girl and her friend. Her friend was female as well. For those who read this and know me from my drinking past, you know how I was with the booze in me. I'd talk to anyone, flirt with anyone, was comfortable talking with anyone. In this case, anyone would equate to any female. While on my program in Windsor, it became quite clear, something that I always knew and felt deep down inside, that the reason I drink was to make it easier to talk to the opposite sex. Yesterday, I opened the door, saw them all talking across the street and IMMEDIATELY closed the door. Why? Scared! It was like I was 4 years old and hiding behind my Mom's leg when someone I didn't know was talking to me. Some may say shy, I didn't, but the truth is that it's fear. I don't care what anyone says. Everyone has fears. There are differences in how people handle it. One way is to drink or do drugs to lower inhibitions and give false courage. The other, healtier way, is to go against the grain, push the boundries of one's comfort zone, and fight the fear. As one with an alcoholic mind, I can attest that my thought patterns are based on the worst-case scenario. I expect an outcome that would adversly affect my pride and self-worth. Through practicing the latter of the two methods of coping with fear, one can see that, in most cases, the outcome of is not as bad as originally imagined, reducing the fear, and expanding the comfort zone. So, what would I be most afraid of when it comes to talking to woman that I don't know? Before I get to that, I'm going to tell a story that may give the answer. In Windsor, I was out with a couple of my brothers. There was a girl that struck me and I told my buddy about how attractive she was a pointed her out. He, having no problem with talking, said that he would go talk to her for me. I almost had an outburst of anger. I was very much against this. I think I need some !!!! for how much I didn't want him to do it. He didn't. A few weeks later, myself, same one brother, and another one went to Chuck E. Cheese's with their boys. Afterward, there were a couple of older women, 60s or so, that were smiling at the boys. I was able to talk to them, make jokes, laugh, and feel comfortable. Now, the other buddy makes the comment along the lines that I see a lovely female my age and I run like a little boy. I see a couple of geriatric woman and I'm smiling, cracking jokes..." It was outrageously hilarious and I laughed hard with the simple reply, "It's funny cause it's true." And it was perfectly true. This moderately embarassing moment was a thought-inducer. As I looked within to find the why's, it dawned upon me. With a 60 year old woman, it's obvious to me that I'm not going to try to take things futher; less pressure. With someone my own age, there is that pressure. It's the pressure, or FEAR, of rejection. Why the fear of rejection? To me, I find that this fear is dabilitating. This fear is enough so that I can't think of things to say. Knowing that, I want to avoid looking like a jack-ass; I want to protect my pride. So it's the fear of my pride being underminded. There are couple more aspects to this, as well. There is the self-worth issue. Being self-conscious of being funny enough, smart enough, a conversationalist. These all hinder me in my pursuit. And this is a perfect seguay to what's really going on. I'm on a pursuit. Usually, I'm straight to the "end game". I apologize, but the truth must be told. I find you females very attractive and yummy. I even what very close to buy a book about picking up woman today. One of the reason's I didn't was that I didn't want to go a pay for it. That would've been far too embarassing for me. There was an offer to me to be purchased for me rather than I going up. After some thought, I passed. It wasn't the right thing to do. If I am to find a lasting and meaningful relationship, I need to stop the pursuit, stop that predatorial mind-set. A mind-set that is too fearful to be placed into use....Hmmm! I said to the person with me that when it's time that right female will be placed in my life. At that point, I thought about the events that took place yesterday. I have forgotten to live in the "Now" and see an interaction as an opportunity of friendship, an opportunity to know get to know someone, an opportunity to create a bond. In doing this, opportunities are given, the pressure of rejection is relieved, and spirituality may blossom. It's not all about physical pleasure. It's all about the pleasure of the soul. Really though, I have plenty of female friends. The truth is that I prefer them. At the end of the day, the fear of rejection are the self-consciousness are unnecessary because if the people in my life right now, the people that count, accept me then the people that are place in my life as opportunities will accept me as well. I just need to accept myself. Slowly, but surely my friends...slowly, but surely. At that, I'm going to end this entry. There's more to say, but I will revisit the female issue and the perpetual facade that was me...you just have to wait though!