Look at me...getting all growns up!

This has been a big hiatus I must say. As of June 3rd, I was 6 months sober. Yes, that's a whole half of a year. There was a time in my life that I thought stopping partying was for quitters. Now, I feel that there is something to say about this continued sobriety. I posted my initial 3 day countdown and my 6 month status update and the comments and thumbs up were just great. This shows me, what I've known for sometime, that people really do like "Sober Trev" I heard that a lot initially, but not as much anymore. This is who I am now. I'm not "Sober Trev" anymore. This is me. The novelty wore off, it has been consumed with support, it has become me. To me, I'm just Trev.

Really though, I'm Trev that is becoming more and more responsible daily. Here are some updates in my continued growth. My very first passport is coming in the mail. Once that's in, I will have legitimate identification so I can confirm my id with Capitol One. That will lead to my credit card to be in transit. This will be my first one that I treat with respect, diligence, and responsibility. I transformed the seemingly shit fact of a couple of rain days into opportunities to be constructive and productive. I compiled a list of conscious debts and delinquent accounts. I made my attempts to contact them and set up payment plans. Any others that I missed, I will be able to find them with my credit report...that I'm going to finally be able to get with my credit card. From there, I can start calling the missed account. Finally, during one of the rain days, I set-up my RRSPs. It's funny, I was suppose to be a financial consultant, but I had mine in shambles. HAHA! That's strangely odd to me. Two years, is my new goal of home-ownership. It's will happen a lot sooner than I originally thought. Really, I didn't think it would happen ever and if it did, it'd be closer to me being 40. That was me worry about what my past has done to my future. What I am doing now is working in the now and doing what I have to do now to ensure that bright future. That bright future that I no longer dread, but am open to and excited about.

Spoiled vs. Struggling

I was talking to someone the other day regarding my recovery. I mentioned my struggles and he replied along the lines of being spoiled not struggling. I became defensive right away and tried to discount what he said. As he proceeded to speak, preventing me to say mine, I was becoming more and more agitated. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because I know this guy (me) has been spoiled from day 1. I've always had an out. I've always had someone to fall back on. I've never walked through life without a lifeline. This is exactly the point he was trying to get across. This messed me up so much that it took me away from what I really meant by "struggles." It took me until later that night while reviewing/reflecting on my day to really see what was really going. The fact that I wasn't ready, at that point, to see the truth made for my pride to be hurt. Stupid pride! Pride along with a laundry list of these character deficiencies that I have work on and mitigate. To say the least, it's taxing and frustrating. It's funny, this is exactly what I meant by struggles. It's these struggles to be aware of, catch, and stop these slips in character. Sure, I am progressing successfully, but I'm the type of person that expects me to be great at everything. When I'm not in comes the frustration and anger. Really, the only thing keeping me sane is the support of loved ones (you), meetings, and writing the inside garbage out with this outlet. You see, what I just said about expecting myself to great...deficiency. In my program, someone said that we walk in thinking we have one or two problems, drugs and/or alcohol, then we leave with a list of 62,000. I laughed...it's funny cuz it's true. Is it every true. For the gentleman that brought up the point of being spoiled and begun the ball rolling to the point that I had to look at myself even deeper, he deserves my thanks. For myself, I have to continue to grow-up, stand on my own. In addition, I have to accept me and my deficiencies, learn to be patient with my progression, and continuously persevere. There isn't a magic pill. This is a lifelong journey. I am going to fall and scrap my knee, but I am going to get back up, dust myself off, and continue.

Maybe a checklist will help.

As I said yesterday that I lost my job because I was always late or never there. I basically chalked that up to me staying up too late because I never wanted to say, "no," and always wanted to say, "where's the next one..." This led to me, on average, staying awake until 3am to wake up at 6am. Understandably, I couldn't hear my alarm, hit snooze too many times, or just neglected to set my alarm the night before. Really, it boils down to irresponsibility. Although I'm not living that lifestyle anymore, it seems to me that I'm not quite there when it comes to being responsible. I'm only 31. Isn't being responsible reserved for adults. Adults that have jobs. Grown-folks that have others relying on them for various things like making it to work on time, making others feel that they have made the right decision to place their faith in them? Hmmmm, this is were I'm confused. I have a job. Other rely on me to be at work on time. I have people that, indeed, rightfully placed their faith in me. So what's the problem? Well, I thought I turned my alarm on. I checked the alarm time. I checked the volume. I DIDN'T turn the alarm on. I had to be awoken and told that that will be the last time. How did that start my day? Terrible! Immediately, I was wading through fear and self-doubt. Wow, I can't blame it on the alcohol. I can't blame it on the drugs. Damn, I can't even blame it on both. What was I fearful of? I was fearful that I couldn't rely on my sober-self to be responsible, be on time, and be able to keep my 2nd chance job. I was doubting myself that I be normal, relable person. I was pointing to something there earlier. That magical word is BLAME! If I get rid of all the blaming all that there is left to do is to start accepting RESPONSIBILITY. What can I do to be more responsibility. For one, I'm going to make a checklist before I go to bed: alarm time...check, alarm volume...check, alarm on...tripe check. This may seem extreme, but I don't care. This is something that I feel I have to do to be more responsible. Again, we are at the choice thing again. PLACING BLAME OR ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY. So, with searching for what to learn from my negative start, I've deal with the negative feeling in a RESPONSIBLE way. What's the reward? Me feeling wonderful about myself and ending the day off properly.