A View from a Different Lens

I find it amazing that a different day, hour, minute, mood, or awareness can inspire such alternate views on the same thing.  A few days ago for a couple of days, I kept hearing a neighbour's dog bark.  Some my thoughts were, "Shut the F (long form) up," and "Shut the F (again, long form) up."  To say the least, it was annoying and irritating to me.  This actually brings me back to when I was a practising alcoholic, as an uninvited live-in basement guest at my Grandma's (Mimmi's) which so happened to be occupied by my best-friend and brother-cousin or brousin (he made that up the other day...IT'S GREAT).  As per usual, I have become side-tracked.  So ya, I remember being hungover and tired...therefore I was still sleeping.  My Mimmi had a budgie making a sorts of racket and disturbing my self-induced coma.  Did that ever infuriate me.  I was yelling into my pillow, yes you guessed it, "Shut the F (and again, long form) up."  Back then though, it was with more rage.  Like come on, it had to be 1 pm...way too early to be woken up by a bird after a "good" night, right?
Here's a couple of things that I realize.  I may not be sleeping in until 1 pm anymore with a hangover, filled with rage a tiny bird singing, but I still am on this journey of not accepting things that do not conform to my view of perfection....F'n dog!  But no, not F'n dog or F'n birdy!  I started to read this book called Spiritual Intelligence: A new way of being by Brian Draper and was given an opportunity to reflect on what was going on that I may have been missing.  I am finding that I am beginning to really look at things different as I did when I was sick and blind.  Like I said, I still do struggle, but I am aware and I do eventually see things differently.  When I was laying there with the book face down on my chest and me reflecting, that same dog started barking.  Even before the dog started barking, I was thinking of it and what really does that dog symbolize.  In mind, I was seeing the dog as a symbol of life and of like creation.  I was thinking of the awesomeness of genetics and the power of DNA; how it's amazing that with just an altered arrangement can produce different living forms.  That barking sound is a result of biology, physics, and chemistry; life.  Not just life, but love, as well.  A family, or at least one person loves that dog.  That dog is a symbol of companionship.  I'm sure it's family considers it a member; that dog symbolizes family, too.  I realized that there was a truer, deeper power in the things that I find irritating because they may be disrupting my comfort, my status quo.
From irritated to in awe-fully amazed, inspired, and humbled simply through the process of changing the lens in which I view.

From this, I feel good.

 

A Five Syllable Word for Sloth

Throughout my life and continued daily I struggle.  Somethings I struggle with more than others, but one of the biggest things I battle with and against is another word for one of those seven deadly sins.  It's a five syllable word called procrastination.  As you try and confirm that it is there are five syllables, I will assure you that are five of them.  With every battle, there are a number of forces trying to gain their own will.  Usually the will that wins out is the one that has never done me any good; my self-will. Through following my own will, I am susceptible to my selfish ways.  These ways are very limiting to me.  Whether they are in the form of my nemesis, pride, or any other thing that follows the Trev-centric ways, they take away from the greater good of growth and giving.  The way I see it, if I'm not growing, learning, a feeling good with myself, I am no good to anyone else.  When those three things are in-sync, I am in-tune with other people's feelings, wants, and needs.  When in-sync, I am that smiling, chipper fellow with a twinkle in his eyes that someone whom once told me that everyone found so irresistible as a child.  So how do I battle this self-will?  Upon asking the question while typing, I was flashed with an action I used to do as a child when I was asked to do something I didn't want to do.  Somewhat of a simultaneous eye and head-roll with a whiny "Uuuugh, whhhhy?!"  This is basically what happen internally when faced between what should be done, the right thing and doing what I want to do, usually the wrong thing.  Again, how to do I fight it?  I gain the motivation with the inspiration of the last time I got something done that I needed to.  I "visualize" and feel the inner sensation of accomplishment.  I remember that mini-success achieved by winning a past battle with procrastination.  I recall how feelings achieve by just getting to the task and completing it propelled me through the rest of day and into the following days.  What motivates me in these situations is really those good feelings achieved by doing those productive things and having that sense of success.  You see, I've always loved feeling good. The problem was with alcoholism, I was dependent on being intoxicated to experience those feeling.  I couldn't handle coming down from those synthesized good feelings so I continued that blurred existences until my body couldn't handle it anymore or until the money was all gone.  Now, I have an opportunity to become "addicted" to healthy good feelings achieved by doing the things that are necessary, right, and actively bring me close to the goals I have in place.
I was texting someone sometime ago and was hit with one of those "Aha" moments.  I was emotionally struggling with accepting where I was with my career and financially.  First of all, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Second, it all falls on me.  If I am not liking where I am and I am not doing anything about it, where am I going to continue to be?  Ya, exactly where I am not wanting to be.  I get inspired by certain quotes, but if I am allowing my fears or sloth to continue to be the main driving force in my life, I can have all the willingness and inspiration in the world and still will not act.  Willingness alone does nothing for me.  Through experience, once I fight through sloth and fear and do what I know I can do, everything begins coming my way, I feel great and those great feelings, as said before, have a multiplier effect through the added motivation they cause.
So for me to get things done and battle fear and sloth, I have to remember the good and just act without thinking, justifying, or remaining to committed to my will.  I will always remember the quote from Vanilla Sky, "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

A taste of the sweet....

So last night, I was laying there, watching tv, and texting to some people...weird, me text? All of a sudden, I realized that I had a goofy little grin on my face. I wasn't watching anything amusing so there was absolutely no reason for me to be grinning. The only other time that I've had goofy grins are when I was thinking of a special person, or if well, I'm not going to get into that...there's young eyes reading this...lol! I came to realize that I was in a state of contentment, a state of happiness. I came to realize that last night I was feeling the best I have in about 2 months. I was rocking goofy grins back then, too. They weren't about what I was experiencing last night and actually, tonight. Last night, I caught a glimpse at what I've written about what I am trying to acheive...happiness and inner peace. Tonight, I feel even better. As I type this and as I've had since about 8 o'clock, I continue to sport this grin. Over the past hour, I've shared with others about my current experiences, I've listened, and I've smiled, giggled, and laughed to the point of tears. I really don't need to write anymore. There was an issue today at work regarding someone else ignorance, but it doesn't even matter. That's their problem not mine. What matters is me feeling through these positive emotions and appreciating them. I know there will be plenty more in the future. Maybe the greatest part of this is that when I do experience these moments, I will remember them because I am sober. I will remember them because this is what I am striving for. Although I may, no will, go through tough times, I will continue to truly experience them in a sober way so that I know the sweet from the bitter. I love accomplishing things and me reaching this level of peace and happiness is truly an accomplishment.

Omit Ego and Pride...Substitute with Humility and Acceptance

Another month has come into my sobriety. 9 months...3/4 of a year! Yes, I am good at math. I am feeling excellent. Earlier this week, not too excellent. I was doing a lot of dwelling, fighting to battle self-pity, second-guessing myself, and allowing my mind to be somewhere else and not on myself. Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be concentrating on me. If I don't make me number 1, I will never be able to be as best as I can be for everyone else. As you know, I do a lot of reflection throughout the day and during this past week, I have become stronger through more self-discovery. This neither is new to me nor is it to a certain few, but I really dislike not getting my own way. I dislike losing. I dislike being told things about myself that are negative. Initially, I do not take to these things to well. How would my emotional process be? Let see...frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and acceptance. What happens when acceptance occurs? A chance for learning which, in turn, leads to strengthening and growth. Flat out, I still am trying to figure out the not getting my own way issue...that shit is entrenched in me and will take some time to alleviate myself of it. When it comes to losing it's a matter of my pride and ego being bruised. It will always happen, those things being bruised, it just how I deal with it that'll make the difference. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't always have to happen. If I continue to humble myself, expect less of myself and others, and accept things for what they are, I can lessen the bruising. Yes, I hate losing in sports, but this is not what this is about. This is deeper, but in line with a competitive game. If I am trying to sell myself, my point, my wants, etc and it the outcome turn out the way I want...hmmm weird, I sense a tie in with something previously said, I feel that I have lost. So me not liking losing parallels me not getting my own way...may seem obvious, but I took me this writing to piece that together. Also, it is about setting my expectation to a certain level or outcome while not allowing the possibility of anything less or different that contributes me not accepting what happens. This then causes me to feel all the negative emotions that I prefer not to experience. These negative emotions are inevitable, but if I can lessen the experience through more acceptance and less expectation, why not?
As for being told things about myself that are negative. Hate it! Again, it's about my pride and ego. How dare someone say something about me, to me, with maybe the intentions to give me an opportunity to improve on myself. Really, I love my reflection. I welcome the self-discovery. Notice, the MY reflection and the SELF-discovery. I like the feeling of doing things myself; that feeling of accomplishment. Come on though, I am pretty bias to myself. After all, I have the ego and pride. Yes, I am as honest to myself as I have ever been in my life, but wouldn't someone else's caring opinion hold some truth? After all, if it wasn't for the people in my life that I pushed away, hurt with my self-destruction, that love me, if it wasn't for their consistent reminder of what was really going on with me, who would I still be? Where would I be? I wouldn't be me...I denied their observations, their feelings for so long and it only caused pain, shame, and blame. What happened when I decided to take into consideration what these people, you people, my family and friends, what you had to say? I saw it. I accepted it. I was able to see that I needed help. I got help. I have you all back in my life...the way you are supposed to be in my life...and I you. I took so long because I didn't like what you were saying about me. I didn't believe it. I thought how dare you. I came up with excuses. Why? Refer to the part where I said that I'm pretty bias of myself. Now, I still fight and dislike it, initial, but after, I am seeing this tidbits of infomation as truths that I don't want to see right away. That's what they are; they are truths. The people that I have in my life aren't going to say anything to me to hurt me. If it's negative, it's because I need to see something that I may be blind to. It love that they are offering me. Love to a better me. Let's boil it down to this: I need to work very hard at replacing my ego and pride, little by little, with humility and acceptance. By doing this, my dislikes will lessen and my joy and contentment will increase. An increase in joy and contentment will bring me closer to me being the best that I can be for everyone of you.

Priority #1 - My worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk.

This should have been address many moons ago. How my priorities will dictate my happiness and peace. Whatever I want, better yet, need in life will never come to fruition unless I take care of me first. Without me being at peace with myself, I cannot have peaceful life. Without loving myself, I can love no one else. Without inner-peace or inner-love, I WILL NEVER have the true sobriety. Sure, there's a possibility of me not drinking or drugging, but what's the point if I'm feeling the same way as I was while practicing. There's a term for that...it's called being a dry alcoholic. When the novelty of being a new man wears off, one is left with that cold realization that without working on what's needed, life cannot be enjoyed or appreciated the way it is supposed to be. There are still challenges. There are still rough times. Accepting and dealing with these things makes the difference in peace and happiness.
What do I want in life? Sure, I want the materials things, the status things still. What's wrong with having what you want? Nothing as long as it's acquired through doing what's right. What's right for me, again, is to be at peace with myself. That way, I will be able to enjoy everything I want. What else do I want? A family is something that for many years I was pretty cynical about. If I still drinking and drugging, had a family, would I still have a family? Probably not. I would be inconsiderate, disloyal, dishonest and would not be a contributor to any relationship. In fact, I was never a contributor. Well, yes I was, I was a contributor of heartbreak, anger, and disgust. What about my want for career success? I mean king of industry kind of success? Well, before I was the king of losing employment...and that's it. I missed work. I was always late. When I did go to work, I was always over-tired and reaked of booze. My potential was stiffled everytime. I always told my mom that these jobs didn't count and when my career started that I would make the necessary adjustments. What happen though? I never allowed myself to make it to that level....career level. I was getting fired. I was lost. So with a loving sobriety, I can apply myself to my maximum potential. I am able to interact with people in a tactful manner. I will be able to become a king of industry. My wants are all fine and dandy, but the real question is what I need.

What do I need? I need to make my recovery my very first priority. Without it, nothing above will be attained and appreciated appropriately. With my true sobriety, everything that I desire will fall into place when the time is right. I am learning who I am, how to deal with tough situations, and how to manage my emotions. I am learning of my potential. Life is a tricky things, but I feel that it boils down to balance. Yes, I need my recovery to come first, but I also need to balance it out with the other facets that make up my daily life. Sure there is going to be some stumbles along the way, but I have the tools to get back up. I have a fellowship of love, family and friends that love me, and a growing understanding of myself. So let's break it down. Without recovery, I will never maintain an beneficial relationship or family. Without recovery, I will never achieve success in any form of career. Without recovery, I will never acquire the unimportant, but very fun, toys of life. Without recovery, I will never be truly happy with, at peace with, or love myself. I heard, and definitely am never letting go of, "my worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk." Wow, I don't know about you, but those are some serious words right there...so, so true!

Father/Son - One-winged Angels

First things first, this has been by far the best Father's Day that I've spent with my Dad. We were supposed to go golfing, but didn't. What we did was so much more meaningful to me. We sat out on the deck and simply talked. That's it. I learned the story of the precursor of Trev Tynes. It others words how he and my Mother met. I've always known a fairly short version, but this one was a little more in-depth. Whether or not he wants to admit it, I know where I get my soft heart and my ability to care easily. We went over an idea I have for a product in our, yes OUR, field of work. Seeking approval, it's something that I'm sure I've struggled with. My past wouldn't really allow for much approval. My present does though. Going through this idea, brainstorming together, and setting out the next steps was probably the funnest group of activities that I have ever had. To me, they were much like the time when he taught me how to play baseball and football. I know how to play those sports now...very well I might (modest, eh). With the help of Pops, this idea very well may turn into something, but if it doesn't, the time spent is what I'll remember when I'm 90. I'll remember that for as long as I will remember learning the sports. I remember those special things in childhood, and now in adulthood until I can't remember to remember.

There something else I want to touch on tonight. Many people may not and will not be able to understand this, but people like myself need other struggling or recovering people in their lives. An individual once told me that an alcoholic is like a one-winged angle. If he doesn't have another alcoholic, he will just fly in circles and eventually hit bottom. He needs the other alcoholic to fly straight, to fly high. Funny thing, I was having trouble with people seeing signs of something greater and I was confiding in this person with this. He told me that story and not a second later that he finished, another fellow (named Trevor, too) came up to us and offered me a feather....I KNOW!!! CREEPY!!! It was so creepy that I was basically forced to be more open-minded to things that I sealed away from my rational thought. I'm bringing this up because I had someone get in touch with me tonight and he confided in me. I was so honoured that he would text his "big brother" to let me know what's going on. I offered my thoughts to him to help him learn what he needed to learn. I believe in this kid. He is truly a good-hearted individual. He knows that he will never be alone in the journey. The same goes for me. If I'm having an issue with something, I have a seemingly neverending list of people to call. These guys will tell me what I don't want to hear, keep me accountable, and will care for me from here on out. Without them, I would not be where I'm at today. This is the beauty of this journey...it's people helping people...this is the way it's supposed to be. What I mean by supposed to be is that this is how EVERYONE should be. I am going to try and live by what I feel and say here. I am going to commit to being as helpful to others as I possibly can.

This has been a great few recent days. The week is ending the way it's supposed to be; happy and peaceful.

Thank you, my friends, for spending time to read these digitized feelings. I love you!

Motives

Well my friends, this guy is ready for another entry. I was relaxing and enjoying the morning...at 5 in the morning. I began to think about the last time, the first time I tried this and what were the difference from this time, which will be the last time (you see how I worded that...pretty clever).

Let's see, in 2004, I made a half-hearted attempt. I really wasn't wanting to get sober. I know now that I had another 5 years of destruction in me. That bottom wasn't quite there. I may have felt that way, but it wasn't. Then, I was removed from my Mimi's house. I had nowhere to go, so I was SENT to Brampton. After sweating the booze out, I was told that life's about choices. I had a choice of going to an outpatient program or not have the support that was being offered. Obviously, I was going to use my brain and avoid being homeless. I chose to go to this day program. Sure I learned about myself, the addictions, but I wasn't fully into it. My main focus was on an ex-girlfriend. I truly believe that was the biggest future downfall of my half-assed sobriety. Sure I was sober for 4 months, but I hadn't changed what was going on inside. When I fell off, I went out with a buddy, had some drinks (managed consumption), met some ladies, and had an overall good time. It didn't take long until my managed consumption was overwhelmed by my complacency and I was right back to where I was November 2004. Let summarize, I was basically forced into intake, I was mainly focused on someone else, and I never really addressed what was on the inside.

This time around, my motives were far different. Sure, I had a little "nudge" from my caring parents. I wasn't be threatened on being kicked out, but this was a major concern for them...STILL! Perhaps, my Mother's prayers led my hand to pick-up the intake phone. I don't know. I'm not fully in comprehension of praying yet. Regardless, I was sick of where my life had gone. I was sick of looking at friends, younger friends, having things that I always expected to have bigger and better...if that makes sense. I was sick of causing chaos with the only family that I have. The family that's loved me since 1979 (that's when I was born..lol) I could go on, but I won't. Okay, one more, the most important, I was sick of not being the person that I truly was, the person that I am making continuous strides towards now. What I'm trying to say is that my motives were for the right reason. I did this for me. Once I straighten my shit out, everything else soon fell into place. I'm that big brother, son, grand-son, friend that I am supposed to be. Why am I continuing with this success? It's the appreciation of who is in my life. It's doing what I need to do rather than what I want to do. It's maintaining my meetings. It's maintain commitment with my program brothers from Windsor. It's being responsible with sobriety.

This felt like something that I could never describe....wait, elation!

Just did a spell-check...first time no spelling errors...lol!

Sober Meds - sharing and listening

What happens when I don't take my sobriety meds? Sobriety meds are my meetings, entries, and interactions with other alcoholics. The answer is that I lose touch with what my main objective; serenity within myself. I lose focus on what really matters. I progressively become hazed in the fogginess of anger, resentments, and self-pity. I am supposed to be progress to perfection, but never to attaining it. When I fall off of my structure of sobriety, I being reverting back to my old ways. Yesterday was the first one I attend since last Thursday. As of yesterday, before the meeting, I had allowing anger and a slight resentment edge closer to hatred. Hatred....EWWW! GROSS!!! There were moments in the past two days that I had urges to drink. Yep, it's true. I was thinking to myself that all this effort was seeming to be too difficult and a pain in the ass. They say the program to staying sober is simply, but it's sure as hell not easy. These negative thoughts were all before my meeting yesterday, I must include. I got some shit off of my chest. I listened to others' experiences. I continued my search within to finally find where I was at fault. I made a conscious decision to change MY attitude and way of thinking. What was the result? A much more serene day. That's what I look for; serenity. As much as I sometime don't feel like doing what I'm suppose, no have, to do, I have to really keep in mind where my mind goes without what's necessary. Doing what I'm supposed to be doing...ummm, sounds a little grown-up to me! Am I really getting there? I think so!

Today - the one day that counts.

Let me tell you something about resentments. They are the one thing that prevents relationships from continuing and blossoming. For me, they caused continuous negative feelings. Negative feeling that included fears of relationships, anger, bottled up emotions that could only be expressed while drunk. I've noticed that resentments also prevent people from being responsible through responding and only allow them to react. Until my resentment were diluted, I wasn't able to accept responsibility for my past actions, enjoy the full relationships that were meant to be, or simply be happy. There is something going on my life right now that is difficult to deal with. The person involved is someone I care for in the pure meaning of caring. I feel powerless over the situation. I feel that there are too many unknowns. If there are unknowns and powerlessness, I mind become to be in shambles. I wanted to share this Thursday, but I couldn't. I needed to compose myself and reflect to really be able to share the positives that are arising from this situation. Without getting into detail, which is tough, I have to be able to, at least, lay the groundwork. Someone I know is in trouble. I don't know the consequences of this trouble. Me not knowing is opening the door to a great deal of fear. Me not knowing also makes me feel powerless. This feeling of powerlessness makes me also feel angry. I like to be in control of things, but I'm not God. There is a plan in the stars and I have to let go and allow whatever is to happen happen...this is very difficult. I don't like things that are difficult. I like the easier route. If I wasn't good at something, I would say that I didn't like it and quit. Anything that I was a natural at, I loved it and continued on until others became just as good as me. At which point, I would come up with an excuse and quit. Baseball, basketball, football...I quit them all because I wasn't at the top. Most importantly, I wasn't, or at least I thought I wasn't, good at being sober. I was great at consuming booze and drugs...so I continued. I stopped because I wasn't any good at it anymore. I mean, I was still great at the act of consuming, but the resulting actions of mine weren't so great. In fact, I became terrible with how I acted and dealt with me. My life was completely unmanageable. I'm very slowly getting good at being sober. It's the first time I'm actually taking steps to improve my feelings of me, my ability to be social, and my ability to think of others first. Most importantly, I getting good to releasing my resentments. So we're back to the resentments. I didn't get a little off track there. For reasons unnecessary to disclose, this person that's in trouble, was the main focus my resentments. Through, accepting my sick behaviours, understanding that I'm not perfect, and accepting that others aren't perfect, I have been able to wash myself to this garbage. In doing so, I've come to realize that yes, I do feel powerless and scared, but why? It's because I care for this person. Would I feel these intense emotions to this degree if I was still holding on to these resentments? N.O.! Sure they would be there, but not to the extend that would bring me to tears when talking about it. This is the positive that I need to realized before I could share anything. Mind you, this does not take away from the fact that stress it still there. I have to help myself relieve myself of the stress. I have to accept that this is what is going on. I have to accept that I am not in control. At the top of the list of HAVE TOs would be to just live for today, appreciate the love in my life today, and embrace that I care today rather than worrying about things that I cannot control tommorow, or stressing over things that I cannot possibly predict tomorrow. Today not Tomorrow. Today not Yesterday.

Spoiled vs. Struggling

I was talking to someone the other day regarding my recovery. I mentioned my struggles and he replied along the lines of being spoiled not struggling. I became defensive right away and tried to discount what he said. As he proceeded to speak, preventing me to say mine, I was becoming more and more agitated. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because I know this guy (me) has been spoiled from day 1. I've always had an out. I've always had someone to fall back on. I've never walked through life without a lifeline. This is exactly the point he was trying to get across. This messed me up so much that it took me away from what I really meant by "struggles." It took me until later that night while reviewing/reflecting on my day to really see what was really going. The fact that I wasn't ready, at that point, to see the truth made for my pride to be hurt. Stupid pride! Pride along with a laundry list of these character deficiencies that I have work on and mitigate. To say the least, it's taxing and frustrating. It's funny, this is exactly what I meant by struggles. It's these struggles to be aware of, catch, and stop these slips in character. Sure, I am progressing successfully, but I'm the type of person that expects me to be great at everything. When I'm not in comes the frustration and anger. Really, the only thing keeping me sane is the support of loved ones (you), meetings, and writing the inside garbage out with this outlet. You see, what I just said about expecting myself to great...deficiency. In my program, someone said that we walk in thinking we have one or two problems, drugs and/or alcohol, then we leave with a list of 62,000. I laughed...it's funny cuz it's true. Is it every true. For the gentleman that brought up the point of being spoiled and begun the ball rolling to the point that I had to look at myself even deeper, he deserves my thanks. For myself, I have to continue to grow-up, stand on my own. In addition, I have to accept me and my deficiencies, learn to be patient with my progression, and continuously persevere. There isn't a magic pill. This is a lifelong journey. I am going to fall and scrap my knee, but I am going to get back up, dust myself off, and continue.

Old, but New Writing...and some New New

Hey hey! I'm at home right now with an ill stomach. This means that I've missed my first meeting while I was in the area. BOOOOO!!!! I didn't feel like typing tonight, but I think it would be a suitable substitute for my meeting. I feel like poop, that's with a capital SHIT! I'm still going to work today. I've been pondering on the goal of making this a perfect season: no sick, missed, late, or vacation days. Pretty lofty, but I think I can do it.

My cousin, whom I never met, came over this weekend. I tell ya, today, I went into work feeling absolutely fantastic. This was a superb weekend filling with laughter, tears, and good quality family time. My Nanny slept over Friday and Saturday. As you know, it was her birthday Saturday. Her and my Step-mom's reactions to their card where priceless. It feels good to make others feel good. It's far better than feeling shame of forgetting or not having the money to buy even a card simply because I've spent it on me; feels damn good.

Back to my cousin, this man is the definition of persistent and never say die. He has faced adversity, the unknown, rejection, and near loss of hope. I said near loss of hope, though. After rejection, he got back up and strove to find out what he wanted, no needed, to find out. It has been a journey for him that I can't really understand. This is what I have learned from him: 1) Failure is only when I give up. 2) I took for granted having and knowing my family 3) If I want something enough, I will acheive it (a little like #1), family is number 1 (re-inforcement) God, this weekend was something else. It also makes me realize that there's been something that I have been procrastinating about because I'm afraid...this is something that I need to do, or I will never be complete. I don't know how others involved feel about me sharing this so this is as far as I'm going to go. Whomever is reading this, please ask me if I've done my "commitment" here. I'm going to do it by Friday.

I still feel pretty ill here, but I'm glad I could share the awesomeness of this weekend. I've been feeling pretty bottled up while not making these entries, so expect a few more this week. Not tomorrow though because I'm having a sleep-over at my Nanny's again. Oh ya! Here's something that I wrote while I was fresh out of Windsor. My dad sent me an email today recommending that I make that part of my daily reading being that I will remind me of "whence" I came. I'm going to take his advice.

I was doing my daily reading from my Twenty-Four Hour a Day book and something special in me occurred. While readying yesterday and today’s messages (Honesty Note: I missed my reading yesterday) I came across a message that I related to myself a couple weeks ago while on Program. The message was regarding the Prodigal Son, whom, “took his journey into a far county and wasted our substance with riotous living.” Something came over me to look it up while at my friend’s place and I was taken back by the similarities of myself and that story. Now keep in mind, that I’m not all too religious, but I am alcoholic. To me, this is powerful because I'm not too religious, but I can look past my resistances and accept the similarities and my spirituality. When I shared this with my group, I related this me having a job with my Dad, but wasting the opportunity through selfishness, irresponsibility, self-deservingness and overall lack of appreciation. My natural negative assumption was that the opportunity was wasted and a great deal of shame and guilty were attached to my riotous living. There is another part of the message the is read, “When he came to himself, he said: ‘I will arise and go to my father.‘” Through letting go of my need for self-medication of substances and relying again on other human beings, I’ve been able to come back to the new opportunity with my father’s open arms of forgiveness. We are able to the share the mutual opportunities together due to my new found willingness, my new found openness to those that love and care for me. The message today briefly tells the end of the story where the father of Prodigal Son says, “He was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found.” I inadvertently made that relation to myself in my graduation speech. What I was getting at was that I was lost to my family: my parents, my siblings, my grand mothers, aunts/uncles, cousins and friends. I was lost to myself. As the light slowly came upon me and the negativity was slowly released, I was able to begin finding myself. In doing so, I wasn’t lost anymore to those that tried and tried to love me, but I wouldn’t accept it. Upon being found, and my continuous search into myself, and my continuous acceptance of myself, I am able to be the loving son, brother, grand-son, nephew and friend, those whom needed and wanted to be special in my life. Everyone in my life is special and deserves me to love them. Everyone in my life is important and deserves to be allowed to love me. So, I’ve lived one life and I’m beginning a new one. I dragged others through my old one. Now, I’m welcoming others to join and team up with me and enjoy the new one.

Love,
Trevor

Non-using Relapse Mode

Wow, it's been awhile. The network producers cut the blog down from a daily sitcom to a weekly event. Trust me, I've been feeling like there's something missing in my life. I've been slacking in nearly all aspects of me staying sober. Until today, I hadn't read my daily reading since Monday. I haven't been doing simple chores that I should be doing. Clearly, I haven't been releasing what's inside on this blog. As a result, feelings of wanting to use have crept up, loneliness and the want of female companionship is at a highest, and I've be falling in my spirituality; judging, reacting, and not accepting. I feel that I have been on relapse mode without the using.

Last week, I failed to include some of the goings ons on Friday. I went bowling with my cousin and his lovely girlfriend...whom I'm very fond of. If there is any points for cousin acceptance, she gets them. After bowling, there was talk of going to a bar. I used to hit this bar up EVERY Wednesday for cheap drinks. 99% of the goings ons I cannot recall on account of being over-self-served and then over-served. When it was first mentioned, I said no. Then the song Tik Tok came on in the bowling alley and I got excited...shut up! i love the song...and decided to go. Entering into the bar, I immediately felt out of place and old as shit. I ordered an energy drink because I was tired...another reason I had no business in this place. I didn't see the bartender pour it and it looked like there was booze in it. I ask my friend to test it for me, which he did, and he asked the bartender if there was any booze in it. Nope. Let's see, sober 31 year old surrounded by drunken 19/20 year olds...TERRIBLE. Why did I go? At first, I thought it was because I got excited to dance, but I realized that I really didn't have any motivation to do such a thing. While reflecting and taking a deep honest look on the inside for my motivations I came to my real reasons...women and pats on the back. What a reason to place myself in a situation that would could very well unravel everything that I have worked so hard for. My cousin's girlfriend showed much concern and kept asking me how I was doing. That I found very caring and considerate. After 20 minutes, I decided to leave. I didn't know anyone, I didn't want to dance, and I was bored, and I was getting increasingly irritated with the whole scene. I came to the conclusion that that life was truly not for me. That conclusion came on the Friday and Saturday, but I look at it even more honestly at my meeting on the Monday. If I knew people and were getting the pats on the back, if I had some attention from the females would've I really have left after 20 minutes? These are the tough questions that need to be answered, or at least honestly considered. The truth is that I probably would've just basked in the attention and LOVED IT. My conclusion that that scene is not for me wouldn't exists. My intentions to continue to go to clubs/bars would be intact. My self-immersed temptations would be strong. And my inevitable fall would be present. There's an old saying: If you sit in a barber's chair long enough, you will eventually get a haircut. I have my head shaved so I don't need to go and waste my time, my money, and my self getting that "haircut".

As mentioned above, I've been slacking and I've been in relapse mode. I've been allowing my self-will take over. Monday, I felt great about being 5 months sober. This is what's getting to me, I thought things were supposed to get easier. Self-will has crept in and I've been under a constant urge for the past 2 weeks to smoke the weed. I feel that I never really had a problem with it so why not. I'll tell you why. I CAN'T. If I can't be content in a clear and sober mind, then I'm defeating the whole purpose of not needing booze and the others to feel complete and of value.

Speaking of feeling of value, I was also sharing that it was my lack of self-value that was a contributor of drinking. Everyone nows that I was a talker, a joker, a non-filtered and sometimes biligerent drunk. You catch me while sober, not so. While drunk, I was on the phone calling everyone; regular drunken-social-butterfly. While sober, my phone wasn't being answered and I was in hiding. I was talking to an old friend and I made a joke about where he's been. He replied what are you talking about? You're the one that has been in hiding. So very true. I was in hiding. I was hiding myself. My aunt sent me a message that I was in hiding, I was sometime MIA, but that she's happy to have the old TJ back. That it's been years. You see, although I was out and about, talkative, and emotional while drunk that wasn't the real me. Sure the booze gave me the courage to cry or show how I was really feeling. Without the booze, I didn't feel that my feelings or thoughts were of value. I kept them in. I hid myself. As I feel better about myself, as I feel of more value, I don't need to hide what's inside anymore. More and more, I am becoming more talkative while SOBER. I'm becoming a more geniune me. I'm becoming TJ again. My mom sent me a Christmas letter that said that "The old, young TJ, that everyone found irresistable, is waiting to come out and play again...just without the maturity." By far the most touching and inspiring words anyone could offer me in my time of necessary support. I smiled then immediately began to cry. The point is that I do feel of better value to people and I do want to come out and play again. Don't get it wrong here: I'm still pretty immature. You should see me in my hyper-activity mode...OH BOOOY!!! I'm not going to discount my progress though. I do feel that I have been growing up...FINALLY! The first 30 years of my childhood was a rough go. My focus is not on the next party or next whatever. It's on what the next right thing to do is. You know what, the next right thing to do is to remain focused on staying sober, do the responsible thing, and proceed with progress. At that, I'm going to end this and say Happy Mother's Day. Although she doesn't have a computer, I'd like to say, "Happy Birthday, Nanny. I love you!"

Powerful Happenings

Good morning. I've been slacking as of late. My excuses are that I've been quite tired after my daily physicalities with meetings on top of that. I realize that they are just excuses. I've returned to Sarnia for the weekend. This is where really it all began. I have hesitations when the thought of Sarnia come into play. There's a mixture of excitment and fear associated with my visits to Sarnhole. I've only been back 4 times since beginning my journey of sobriety. They were for Christmas, Easter, after Graduation, and now, for my Mommykins' visit from Alberta. Yep, I did write Mommykins'. Have I ever called her that? No, but it just came over me to give her that term of endearment. Since my last entry, a few great things have happened.

The first one occurred at my meeting on Thursday. One of the fellowship was expaining that she had a powerful Godly experience. It was quite moving. When it was my turn to share I was quite emotional and content. Sobriety is a strange and wonderful thing. I had a moment of realization that I have made progress on spiritual level that I never thought would be. You see, I've always been quite scientific and mathematical. I've always been very anti-religious. My Mom would always try and make me read the Bible, talk to me about praying. I would become angry and irritated. The more I heard about it there more I would put up a barrier. A few months ago, if I would've heard someone talking about hearing God, I would've rolled my eyes, sighed heavily, and walked away resentful and angry. Now, I hear this sharing and I am listening, getting teary eyed, and am being open to this possibility. I have an open-mind to a Higher Power and now believe that anything is possible. Perhaps, what I've so strongly held on to for 30 plus year could be wrong. This is what I shared about in Windsor that if I were to accept that there could be a God or a Higher Power would mean that I would have to let go of something that I believed so strongly in my whole life. If you know me from before, then you know that I like to be right ALL OF THE TIME. It's a matter of pride and ego. To admit or accept that I could be wrong is an incredible stepping stone for my sobriety and spiritual growth. I'm not there, not in the least bit, but I am open to the possibilities. I am accepting of others' view, experiences, and beliefs. With this bring a great deal of peace, calmness, and tranquility.

The second came yesterday when I got into Sarnia. I have TERRIBLE credit. Right from when I was 19 when I got that student credit card at Seneca and maxed it out in Sarnia in 10 days and never paid it back my credits been poop. I had no sense of obligations went it came to credit and no sense of consequence. Unfortunate mindset, but a reality. Over the past few years, many opportunities were missed because of my financial immaturity. It has been a boiling point for self-pity as well. I'm not going to get into everything that has been missed, but I will tell you that I am on my way to normalcy. I know that I am unable to get a unsecured credit card, but there's is the option to go the secured route. Somewhat of topic, I've made a list of personal actions that I must take to achieve certain things in my life. I guess we'll call them goals. This isn't the first time I've written out goals, or other ideas for that matter. There has never been an excution though. I guess it a good thing that I bought that Making Ideas Happen book rather than the book for picking up women. One of things on my list was to get a secured credit card. I've went through the process of applying, but when it was time to pay my money was appropriated to other "more important things" such as the drinks or the drugs. I went to the bank yesterday right before it closed and got a money order for the security fund for the card signed to the "lending" bank. I never got over that hump. I've made that past elusive step. I'm sorry I had to bow my head there in thanks and just give myself an internal, "right on"

The last thing that made me feel great about myself is that I owed somebody very close to me some money for well over a year. I was in Sarnia in November of 2008. It was the last time I saw that close person until I entered the recovery program. I missed my ride home to Brampton because I was continuing my bender and because I was being inconsiderate. I missed work on the Monday without calling. In order to get home, he had to lend me the money for the train and cab. This was on top of money that he'd given me for booze and food. This was money for his trip to Jamaica in which I promised to pay back the next week. This was money that he was relying on for his trip, money that he diligently saved. I never did pay him back. I left him high and dry. He went, but with less than he wanted go with. The guilt and shame attached to the inconsiderations to someone that I apparently loved was more than too much. It wasn't too much though. I should've felt that shit because what I did was disgusting. I'm actually feeling kind of ill about it now. The thought sickens me. Let's refocus on the present now though. He's forgiven me, but I haven't fully myself. During Christmas, he said not to worry about it. He that we're are straight. I offered him some money yesterday. It was about half of what I owe. He refused it until I'm more sturdy on my feet. That old saying...it's the thought that counts...rings very true here. He appreciates the offer and the willingness. I appreciate his patience and support. We are back to our old tight ways and although the thoughts of the past things I did make my stomach turn, I do .have a sense of comfort that self-forgiveness is an eventual given. In doing the right thing comes a right feeling.

Principles over Personalities

During my recovery, I've been given the tools to relieve myself of the soul-corroding resentment that I was plagued with. I learned about these crazy things called forgiveness and acceptance. It's the acceptance that I was to talk about tonight. In my 24 Hours a Day book, I read that God's way is one of love and tolerance. Tonight, I also want to talk about tolerance. You see, tolerance and acceptance go hand-in-hand. At my Wednesday meeting, we are given a choice to make a topic for discussion. I whole-heartedly made mine accepting other people. I feel that I pretty much liked everyone while I was drunk. While sober on the other hand is a different story. For the most part, I like and get along with plenty. You know what, it's my fellow gender that gets me going so much. I was a great deal of pride and I still am very ego-reactive. If someone makes me feel that I don't know what I'm talking about, don't know what I'm doing, discounts my suggestions,or simply interrupts me while I feel I am inputting something of value, I become flushed with anger, resentment, and spiteful thoughts. It all comes down to having a "dick swinging" contest (excuse the language). Unless I'm tired and cranky, I don't usually fly off the handle and get terribly angry. I do, however, become passive-aggressive with tactics of sarcasm, silent-treatment, or complete omission of the others presence. I know it's immature, but I can't help it. I do have the power to, as someone said tonight, "spot it and stop it." What I've been able to do through my awareness is try and stand in the others' shoes. Perhaps, the other person is just trying to help and give me an opportunity to learn. Perhaps, the others person has good intentions. The fact is that both of the instances are true, but my ego and pride cloud what's really going on. Since ego and pride are so sensitive in me, I react in a overly sensitive manner. Don't get me wrong, there are times were people are just being assholes, but it's up to me, still, not to react and accept people for who they are, what's on their mind, how they know in dealing with others. It my mind, my feelings, my mood that I'M in control of. If I allow others to affect me in a negative way, it's all on me. Again, I have a choice. It's not easy always, but it is my responsiblity in order to stay happy, stay positive, and most importantly, stay sober. In AA, we say Principle over Personalities. That's something that I must remember all of the time. Don't worry, you guys (and gals) are alright in my books...:)

Healthy and Unheathy Fear

Kinda late isn't it. There were a couple of anniversaries tonight at my meeting. One celebrated her 1 year! The other, a 70-something year old, his 10 year! This man quit when he had been drinking his whole life. He had been drinking for longer than how long many of us combined have been living. For me, if had waiting until 60-something to quit, I don't think I would. To do something like that speaks volumes to his character. It also shows that it really is never too late. I was talking to a brother yesterday, he's 17, and he decided to go down this path as well. Let's face it, at 17 I was even thinking that there was a problem. The only problem I thought I had was not having a fake ID. This kid is years ahead of the game and I hope that he realizes it. He's become like another little brother to me. So, at 17 and trying to calm the turmoil that his addictions have cause shows that it's never too early, either. While in the shower, I was contemplating what I was going to write about tonight. My day was excellent and I couldn't think about anything that really stuck to me that was negative to I made the decision to make the topic about blame. I know I've briefly discussed blame, but not in it's entirity. It's funny what life has to offer and how things can be changed. I attended this meeting. I was listening to the speaker and I made the decision to change tonight's writing. This guy almost had me in tears. He touched home on so many levels. I rubbed my face in amazement and someone joked with me to wake up. Little did he know that my mind was in a Wow moment. Remember I mentioned about feeling alone while practicing? While it is true in the sense of ostasizing myself from loved ones, it hold gravely true when it comes to feeling different from absolutely everyone. Without the program, without sharing with the other men, without hearing other peoples stories at these meeting I would still feel unique in regards to my feelings, helplessness, insecurities, and antics. I'm not going to get into detail of what this man said, but I will let you in on one of my reactions to something he said. He mentioned great lengths of sobriety, becoming a addictions councellor, and repeatedly returning to his practicing ways. This SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! You can tell I'm very passionate about this new way of live and love. I have continuous thoughts of taking part-time classes to become an addictions councellor. Like the speaker, I want to give back and help others and feel safer with the fact that if I'm immersed in the field then I'll be that much more accountable. Do you see the parralles? Because I do! This is what bring in the this fear. There is a major difference in this type of fear and the fear that I've previously touched on. The latter fear can be described as anxiety-causes, debilitating, counter-productive, opportunity-smothering. In other words, that type of fear is negative. The former fear, I feel, should be described as stress-causing, productive, and opportunity-providing. These can be all true if this positive and grounding fear is harnessed in the proper way. So when I say that it's stressful it's because I'm seeing that this son of bitch alcoholism is a sneaky and cunning MFer. Through typing this out and feeling it out and am able to indentify these traps of complacency. I've become complacent before and 5 years later, I was in Brampton on my way to Windsor for round 2 of recovery. The difference now is that I've learned to feel more, dig more, and find the silver-lining. The difference is now I realize that I have you and so many others that care for me. So, here and there, down the road, challenge me on my complacency, if necessary. If I get mad, it's because you've noticed something that I now deep inside. If I don't, it's because I've recognized it too. Deal? Coooo! Well, good night and I love you!

Simply Thankful

Wow, it's the support and love from those who count the most that make this sharing worthwhile. It's people that are in my life today. I was reading the comments today and there was a mix of facial expression. I had a continuous grin, edging on a full out smile. While in the facial pose that I enjoy having so much, I was beginning to really feel what I have in my life. This brought out the softer, more sensitive side of Trev. This is where I became a little misty eyed. Your heart-felt comments really did make my day. I'll tell you that my day was so relaxing that I really feel that I was going to make an entry today, but here I am. I also didn't do anything productive today. It feels like I didn't, but I really did and it didn't even feel like actual work. I was able to implement some of what I learned from my reading of my new book, Making Ideas Happen. This is the book that I got as a birthday present instead of the book I was referring to yesterday. When a decision is made out of necessity or what right rather than out of the more negative feelings such as fear or lust that decision allows me to put one step forward. It's all about progress. Back to my productivity, I organized some thoughts, aspirations, and most importantly some inventive ideas. Rather than just reading and taking mental notes, as I usually do, I actually put some of these ideas into action. So, I've made the first steps (of many) to achieving. So, I'm very excited about that.

Last night, I was honoured by an anonymous friend. He called me and confided in me. He told me that he reads these entries on a daily basis. He even said that I'm sounding somewhat like an infomercial. He and I where quite a pair. He's seen me at my worst and yet, there is an abundance of respect for what's going on. For two grown men to talk on a deeper level of problem issues and frustrations, there needs to be a certain amount of trust. This is trust that only came in drunken or doped up form. I never allowed people to trust me. This is because I wasn't trustworthy. I was a liar. I was thief. I was a cheater. With me cleaning the slate, this has provided me and others an opportunity for honest exchanges. With honest exchanges comes opportunities for helping others, for complete understandings. Again, it was truly an honour for the talk that I had last night.

Let me breakdown what I'm thankful for right now. I'm thankful to have loveing family and friend that support me in the way I truly need; emotionally. I'm thankful that I still am in contact with some of my brothers from my program in Windsor. I'm thankful that I am in a position to be of help to others; service. I am thankful that I have this sharing outlet. I am thankful for my health and the health of others. I am thankful for the on-going feedback that I receive. I am thankful to be SOBER!

Puzzling...

It puzzles me that I am intrigued, attracted to, appreciate something that I need booze or other cruches to feel comfortable around. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of a major contributor to my drinking. It also made me aware of a serious obstacle in staying sober. Someone moved in across the street a couple of weeks ago; a lovely lady. Pizza was ordered yesterday and when I went upstairs to see if the delivery person was there, I saw that my Step-Ma was outside talking to the girl and her friend. Her friend was female as well. For those who read this and know me from my drinking past, you know how I was with the booze in me. I'd talk to anyone, flirt with anyone, was comfortable talking with anyone. In this case, anyone would equate to any female. While on my program in Windsor, it became quite clear, something that I always knew and felt deep down inside, that the reason I drink was to make it easier to talk to the opposite sex. Yesterday, I opened the door, saw them all talking across the street and IMMEDIATELY closed the door. Why? Scared! It was like I was 4 years old and hiding behind my Mom's leg when someone I didn't know was talking to me. Some may say shy, I didn't, but the truth is that it's fear. I don't care what anyone says. Everyone has fears. There are differences in how people handle it. One way is to drink or do drugs to lower inhibitions and give false courage. The other, healtier way, is to go against the grain, push the boundries of one's comfort zone, and fight the fear. As one with an alcoholic mind, I can attest that my thought patterns are based on the worst-case scenario. I expect an outcome that would adversly affect my pride and self-worth. Through practicing the latter of the two methods of coping with fear, one can see that, in most cases, the outcome of is not as bad as originally imagined, reducing the fear, and expanding the comfort zone. So, what would I be most afraid of when it comes to talking to woman that I don't know? Before I get to that, I'm going to tell a story that may give the answer. In Windsor, I was out with a couple of my brothers. There was a girl that struck me and I told my buddy about how attractive she was a pointed her out. He, having no problem with talking, said that he would go talk to her for me. I almost had an outburst of anger. I was very much against this. I think I need some !!!! for how much I didn't want him to do it. He didn't. A few weeks later, myself, same one brother, and another one went to Chuck E. Cheese's with their boys. Afterward, there were a couple of older women, 60s or so, that were smiling at the boys. I was able to talk to them, make jokes, laugh, and feel comfortable. Now, the other buddy makes the comment along the lines that I see a lovely female my age and I run like a little boy. I see a couple of geriatric woman and I'm smiling, cracking jokes..." It was outrageously hilarious and I laughed hard with the simple reply, "It's funny cause it's true." And it was perfectly true. This moderately embarassing moment was a thought-inducer. As I looked within to find the why's, it dawned upon me. With a 60 year old woman, it's obvious to me that I'm not going to try to take things futher; less pressure. With someone my own age, there is that pressure. It's the pressure, or FEAR, of rejection. Why the fear of rejection? To me, I find that this fear is dabilitating. This fear is enough so that I can't think of things to say. Knowing that, I want to avoid looking like a jack-ass; I want to protect my pride. So it's the fear of my pride being underminded. There are couple more aspects to this, as well. There is the self-worth issue. Being self-conscious of being funny enough, smart enough, a conversationalist. These all hinder me in my pursuit. And this is a perfect seguay to what's really going on. I'm on a pursuit. Usually, I'm straight to the "end game". I apologize, but the truth must be told. I find you females very attractive and yummy. I even what very close to buy a book about picking up woman today. One of the reason's I didn't was that I didn't want to go a pay for it. That would've been far too embarassing for me. There was an offer to me to be purchased for me rather than I going up. After some thought, I passed. It wasn't the right thing to do. If I am to find a lasting and meaningful relationship, I need to stop the pursuit, stop that predatorial mind-set. A mind-set that is too fearful to be placed into use....Hmmm! I said to the person with me that when it's time that right female will be placed in my life. At that point, I thought about the events that took place yesterday. I have forgotten to live in the "Now" and see an interaction as an opportunity of friendship, an opportunity to know get to know someone, an opportunity to create a bond. In doing this, opportunities are given, the pressure of rejection is relieved, and spirituality may blossom. It's not all about physical pleasure. It's all about the pleasure of the soul. Really though, I have plenty of female friends. The truth is that I prefer them. At the end of the day, the fear of rejection are the self-consciousness are unnecessary because if the people in my life right now, the people that count, accept me then the people that are place in my life as opportunities will accept me as well. I just need to accept myself. Slowly, but surely my friends...slowly, but surely. At that, I'm going to end this entry. There's more to say, but I will revisit the female issue and the perpetual facade that was me...you just have to wait though!

A Loving Kiss Makes it all Worth it

So I'm back after a couple days. My Dad let me in on a little courtesy hint. I should've left a little note making aware that I would be gone for a couple of days. My apologies and not to worry, everything is beautiful. I was at my Grandma's house for a couple of nights. I actually call her Nanny so that's what I'm going to call her from here on out. I spent a night at her place last week, as well. It's a pretty good thing that's going on. When I am unable to make it into to town the next morning, I stay at my Nanny's. Trust me, she loves it. She didn't really have a chance to baby me growing up because I lived in Sarnia; she in Toronto. Does she ever take advantage of me being around now. You know that I'm not going to say anything and take that away from her. When I moved to Brampton, while still practicing my addiction, I very rarely called her, let alone visited her. I think I went to her place once for Thanksgiving with my Mom. Whenever I did see her, during holidays (not all though), she would voice her lack of appreciation for me not calling. I couldn't get mad or talk back for two reasons. One, she's my Nanny. Two, and most importantly, I knew that she was right and that I was being a neglectful grandson, simple as that. That's the thing while deep in an addiction. I always felt that I was alone, especially I my darkest moments. It was never true though. My family, even my friends, that love me and always have were never given a chance to love me. I took myself out of the rays of their love to shit in my darkness of despair. But not more! I am now getting a love-tan, yes I know, cheesy, but that's what happens when you're filled with a new-found love and appreciation. Ha! A love-tan...I just made myself laugh. Alright, back to my stay at my Nanny's. Last week, Nanny's grace was all about me. She was very thankful that I was there for super and the night. Also, my jeans were very dirty and she didn't want me to waste money on the washing machine for one pair of jeans. We did it old school, the way she using to wash cloths growing up, in the sink (minus the washboard). It's those types of things that make me type cheesy things like love-tan. Yesterday, I mentioned that it was a sweet deal that we have going on. That we are having more opportunities to spend time together. Her smile matched how I felt inside. Just sitting there watching the news and wheel of fortune was enough for me. Dinner after work, coffee in the morning all added to my continued effort at this, once frightful and impossible, thing called sobriety. Wow, was I missing the boat! I actually fell asleep before ten last night. This is the clincher here: after I fell asleep and as Nanny was going to bed she startled me out of my sleep...with a kiss on my forehead. I smiled and said, "thank you, Nanny I love you." That loving kiss will never be forgotten and will be a guiding light if I ever find myself in the darkness that comes with the thoughts of trying out my past again. Well worth it!

Maybe a checklist will help.

As I said yesterday that I lost my job because I was always late or never there. I basically chalked that up to me staying up too late because I never wanted to say, "no," and always wanted to say, "where's the next one..." This led to me, on average, staying awake until 3am to wake up at 6am. Understandably, I couldn't hear my alarm, hit snooze too many times, or just neglected to set my alarm the night before. Really, it boils down to irresponsibility. Although I'm not living that lifestyle anymore, it seems to me that I'm not quite there when it comes to being responsible. I'm only 31. Isn't being responsible reserved for adults. Adults that have jobs. Grown-folks that have others relying on them for various things like making it to work on time, making others feel that they have made the right decision to place their faith in them? Hmmmm, this is were I'm confused. I have a job. Other rely on me to be at work on time. I have people that, indeed, rightfully placed their faith in me. So what's the problem? Well, I thought I turned my alarm on. I checked the alarm time. I checked the volume. I DIDN'T turn the alarm on. I had to be awoken and told that that will be the last time. How did that start my day? Terrible! Immediately, I was wading through fear and self-doubt. Wow, I can't blame it on the alcohol. I can't blame it on the drugs. Damn, I can't even blame it on both. What was I fearful of? I was fearful that I couldn't rely on my sober-self to be responsible, be on time, and be able to keep my 2nd chance job. I was doubting myself that I be normal, relable person. I was pointing to something there earlier. That magical word is BLAME! If I get rid of all the blaming all that there is left to do is to start accepting RESPONSIBILITY. What can I do to be more responsibility. For one, I'm going to make a checklist before I go to bed: alarm time...check, alarm volume...check, alarm on...tripe check. This may seem extreme, but I don't care. This is something that I feel I have to do to be more responsible. Again, we are at the choice thing again. PLACING BLAME OR ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY. So, with searching for what to learn from my negative start, I've deal with the negative feeling in a RESPONSIBLE way. What's the reward? Me feeling wonderful about myself and ending the day off properly.

The Day of Poor Me and What Being Grateful can do.

Alright, so today was my first of my second week back at work. I placed someone very important to me in a position to fire me last year. Let me break it down like this: Friday, I completed my first full week during my first week. Last year, before I was let go, I had two or three full weeks (no absents, no lates) in 10 weeks of employment. All the other weeks I had at most 4 days pay and I was perpetually late. One would think that I would be grateful to have my job back. One would also think that I would be happy that, at least, I have a job. There are others that are laid off, are unable to work, or can't find work. Shoot, there are people that have gone through programs as I did and are going to the food bank! For the love of God, where was the gratefulness! Didn't have it.

This is what kind of person that I am. I expect perfection from myself, others, and situations; most of myself. When something doesn't go right at work, I go from the cheerful Trev, to the sulking, tempter-tantrum-having Trev. Attitude goes straight out the window. Were others privileged enough to experience needing-to-lose-the-'tude-Trev? Oooooh ya! I even had someone comment on the fact they don't like this Trev's attitude...This Trev's...like I'm multi-personalities....COME ON! I'll come back to this one, but first, I have to address my ego.

I'll tell how my pride dictates my mood. I was at the airport today were there were people in suits, flight attendant, pilots, etc walking around. Now, there was me dirty, carrying a shovel, and cold. I felt less-than. This is were the Day of Poor Me began. Rather than being grateful for what I had, I was dwelling on what others had, what I didn't have, what I could've had. To sum it up I was completely immersed in Self-Pity. Let me reiterate, in absence of being peace, love, and tranquility for everything good in my life leaves only room for the chaos, hate, and turmoil that is have an excuse to feel bad about myself; self-pity. Make sense? It does now to me.

Yes, it is becoming clearer and clearer daily. A gift of this sober life is awareness. Awareness in self, others, and life. With the awareness of how I am being perceived, the awareness of how I am affecting others, and the awareness in what I really want in life allowed me to change my attitude today. I went from frowning and thinking to myself, "wow, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to make others feel this way, but I don't want to just TRY and put on a decent face and seem like I'm bi-polar or have a mood-issues to these guys...TOO LATE! What did I do? I turned, stared at my co-worker with a crazy face and made him laugh. I laughed. I felt better. He welcomed Trevor back. It the awareness that offers me a choice now. A choice in gratefulness or self-pity; giving in feelings of joy or selfish in my actions affecting others. It's a choice.