Principles over Personalities

During my recovery, I've been given the tools to relieve myself of the soul-corroding resentment that I was plagued with. I learned about these crazy things called forgiveness and acceptance. It's the acceptance that I was to talk about tonight. In my 24 Hours a Day book, I read that God's way is one of love and tolerance. Tonight, I also want to talk about tolerance. You see, tolerance and acceptance go hand-in-hand. At my Wednesday meeting, we are given a choice to make a topic for discussion. I whole-heartedly made mine accepting other people. I feel that I pretty much liked everyone while I was drunk. While sober on the other hand is a different story. For the most part, I like and get along with plenty. You know what, it's my fellow gender that gets me going so much. I was a great deal of pride and I still am very ego-reactive. If someone makes me feel that I don't know what I'm talking about, don't know what I'm doing, discounts my suggestions,or simply interrupts me while I feel I am inputting something of value, I become flushed with anger, resentment, and spiteful thoughts. It all comes down to having a "dick swinging" contest (excuse the language). Unless I'm tired and cranky, I don't usually fly off the handle and get terribly angry. I do, however, become passive-aggressive with tactics of sarcasm, silent-treatment, or complete omission of the others presence. I know it's immature, but I can't help it. I do have the power to, as someone said tonight, "spot it and stop it." What I've been able to do through my awareness is try and stand in the others' shoes. Perhaps, the other person is just trying to help and give me an opportunity to learn. Perhaps, the others person has good intentions. The fact is that both of the instances are true, but my ego and pride cloud what's really going on. Since ego and pride are so sensitive in me, I react in a overly sensitive manner. Don't get me wrong, there are times were people are just being assholes, but it's up to me, still, not to react and accept people for who they are, what's on their mind, how they know in dealing with others. It my mind, my feelings, my mood that I'M in control of. If I allow others to affect me in a negative way, it's all on me. Again, I have a choice. It's not easy always, but it is my responsiblity in order to stay happy, stay positive, and most importantly, stay sober. In AA, we say Principle over Personalities. That's something that I must remember all of the time. Don't worry, you guys (and gals) are alright in my books...:)

The Day of Poor Me and What Being Grateful can do.

Alright, so today was my first of my second week back at work. I placed someone very important to me in a position to fire me last year. Let me break it down like this: Friday, I completed my first full week during my first week. Last year, before I was let go, I had two or three full weeks (no absents, no lates) in 10 weeks of employment. All the other weeks I had at most 4 days pay and I was perpetually late. One would think that I would be grateful to have my job back. One would also think that I would be happy that, at least, I have a job. There are others that are laid off, are unable to work, or can't find work. Shoot, there are people that have gone through programs as I did and are going to the food bank! For the love of God, where was the gratefulness! Didn't have it.

This is what kind of person that I am. I expect perfection from myself, others, and situations; most of myself. When something doesn't go right at work, I go from the cheerful Trev, to the sulking, tempter-tantrum-having Trev. Attitude goes straight out the window. Were others privileged enough to experience needing-to-lose-the-'tude-Trev? Oooooh ya! I even had someone comment on the fact they don't like this Trev's attitude...This Trev's...like I'm multi-personalities....COME ON! I'll come back to this one, but first, I have to address my ego.

I'll tell how my pride dictates my mood. I was at the airport today were there were people in suits, flight attendant, pilots, etc walking around. Now, there was me dirty, carrying a shovel, and cold. I felt less-than. This is were the Day of Poor Me began. Rather than being grateful for what I had, I was dwelling on what others had, what I didn't have, what I could've had. To sum it up I was completely immersed in Self-Pity. Let me reiterate, in absence of being peace, love, and tranquility for everything good in my life leaves only room for the chaos, hate, and turmoil that is have an excuse to feel bad about myself; self-pity. Make sense? It does now to me.

Yes, it is becoming clearer and clearer daily. A gift of this sober life is awareness. Awareness in self, others, and life. With the awareness of how I am being perceived, the awareness of how I am affecting others, and the awareness in what I really want in life allowed me to change my attitude today. I went from frowning and thinking to myself, "wow, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to make others feel this way, but I don't want to just TRY and put on a decent face and seem like I'm bi-polar or have a mood-issues to these guys...TOO LATE! What did I do? I turned, stared at my co-worker with a crazy face and made him laugh. I laughed. I felt better. He welcomed Trevor back. It the awareness that offers me a choice now. A choice in gratefulness or self-pity; giving in feelings of joy or selfish in my actions affecting others. It's a choice.