The Day of Poor Me and What Being Grateful can do.

Alright, so today was my first of my second week back at work. I placed someone very important to me in a position to fire me last year. Let me break it down like this: Friday, I completed my first full week during my first week. Last year, before I was let go, I had two or three full weeks (no absents, no lates) in 10 weeks of employment. All the other weeks I had at most 4 days pay and I was perpetually late. One would think that I would be grateful to have my job back. One would also think that I would be happy that, at least, I have a job. There are others that are laid off, are unable to work, or can't find work. Shoot, there are people that have gone through programs as I did and are going to the food bank! For the love of God, where was the gratefulness! Didn't have it.

This is what kind of person that I am. I expect perfection from myself, others, and situations; most of myself. When something doesn't go right at work, I go from the cheerful Trev, to the sulking, tempter-tantrum-having Trev. Attitude goes straight out the window. Were others privileged enough to experience needing-to-lose-the-'tude-Trev? Oooooh ya! I even had someone comment on the fact they don't like this Trev's attitude...This Trev's...like I'm multi-personalities....COME ON! I'll come back to this one, but first, I have to address my ego.

I'll tell how my pride dictates my mood. I was at the airport today were there were people in suits, flight attendant, pilots, etc walking around. Now, there was me dirty, carrying a shovel, and cold. I felt less-than. This is were the Day of Poor Me began. Rather than being grateful for what I had, I was dwelling on what others had, what I didn't have, what I could've had. To sum it up I was completely immersed in Self-Pity. Let me reiterate, in absence of being peace, love, and tranquility for everything good in my life leaves only room for the chaos, hate, and turmoil that is have an excuse to feel bad about myself; self-pity. Make sense? It does now to me.

Yes, it is becoming clearer and clearer daily. A gift of this sober life is awareness. Awareness in self, others, and life. With the awareness of how I am being perceived, the awareness of how I am affecting others, and the awareness in what I really want in life allowed me to change my attitude today. I went from frowning and thinking to myself, "wow, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to make others feel this way, but I don't want to just TRY and put on a decent face and seem like I'm bi-polar or have a mood-issues to these guys...TOO LATE! What did I do? I turned, stared at my co-worker with a crazy face and made him laugh. I laughed. I felt better. He welcomed Trevor back. It the awareness that offers me a choice now. A choice in gratefulness or self-pity; giving in feelings of joy or selfish in my actions affecting others. It's a choice.

Who I Am

I feel that there is some need to briefly give a basic background on who I am. 31, that's my age. I have been clean of drugs and alcohol since December 3, 2009; for a little over 4 months. I never thought that I was the type of person to expose myself to anyone unless I was self-medicated with intoxicants. My experiences, feelings, short-comings, everything will given away. In doing so, my thoughts and feelings revealed will act as an internal release, a sharing mechanisms, a thought organizer, and a emotional progression gauge. Right now, I am not entirely sure where I am going to start, but I am going to set aside fear-based hesitations and jump into it.

On December 4, 2009, I joined a recovery program in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. I spent my first three months of sobriety living under the roofs of this "house." I graduated from the program on March 6, 2010. I think this is one of the most important things to reveal because this is where I gained my strength, tools, and love to continue my recovery. I learned a lot about myself in the short three months. I learned a lot about other people with the same issues as myself. I learned about my fears, my weaknesses, and my forgotten strengths. What's amazing is that I learned that most of my weaknesses weren't always weaknesses they were strengths that I once had, but as previously stated, were forgotten. I came to remember that I was an admired person by many. I came to realize that I am a loved person. I came to feel that I am a loving person. Charming, loving, sensitive, emotional (which isn't a weakness, but a strength), and others are traits that have been forgotten and left ungroomed, unrefined. I allowed my idea of being emotional as being weak eat away at the very essence of me; transforming me into the lost, scared, and angry man-child that I am slowly letting go of. I also come to be aware that this transformation led me into a connected negative. This negative come in the form of me being very much about self; selfish, self-centred, self-motivation, and so on. Most of my decisions were and are based on me; how I can benefit, what who be easiest for me, how will I feel about it. These decisions brought me on my journey to me, December 4, 2009; my lowest. I say my lowest, but it was the end of my lowest cycle and the beginning of something fantastic. That something fantastic is a new journey of me continuously improving, accepting and loving myself.

My plan is to post daily logs, to cover and share what I have learned during my three month stay at the House that saved my life, share my troubles and how I am able to see the positives in those trouble. I am going to share who I am on the inside; positive and negative. Now I know that I haven't introduced myself completely, but that's okay because all the necessary information with me included with my future sharings.

GudTynz out