A View from a Different Lens

I find it amazing that a different day, hour, minute, mood, or awareness can inspire such alternate views on the same thing.  A few days ago for a couple of days, I kept hearing a neighbour's dog bark.  Some my thoughts were, "Shut the F (long form) up," and "Shut the F (again, long form) up."  To say the least, it was annoying and irritating to me.  This actually brings me back to when I was a practising alcoholic, as an uninvited live-in basement guest at my Grandma's (Mimmi's) which so happened to be occupied by my best-friend and brother-cousin or brousin (he made that up the other day...IT'S GREAT).  As per usual, I have become side-tracked.  So ya, I remember being hungover and tired...therefore I was still sleeping.  My Mimmi had a budgie making a sorts of racket and disturbing my self-induced coma.  Did that ever infuriate me.  I was yelling into my pillow, yes you guessed it, "Shut the F (and again, long form) up."  Back then though, it was with more rage.  Like come on, it had to be 1 pm...way too early to be woken up by a bird after a "good" night, right?
Here's a couple of things that I realize.  I may not be sleeping in until 1 pm anymore with a hangover, filled with rage a tiny bird singing, but I still am on this journey of not accepting things that do not conform to my view of perfection....F'n dog!  But no, not F'n dog or F'n birdy!  I started to read this book called Spiritual Intelligence: A new way of being by Brian Draper and was given an opportunity to reflect on what was going on that I may have been missing.  I am finding that I am beginning to really look at things different as I did when I was sick and blind.  Like I said, I still do struggle, but I am aware and I do eventually see things differently.  When I was laying there with the book face down on my chest and me reflecting, that same dog started barking.  Even before the dog started barking, I was thinking of it and what really does that dog symbolize.  In mind, I was seeing the dog as a symbol of life and of like creation.  I was thinking of the awesomeness of genetics and the power of DNA; how it's amazing that with just an altered arrangement can produce different living forms.  That barking sound is a result of biology, physics, and chemistry; life.  Not just life, but love, as well.  A family, or at least one person loves that dog.  That dog is a symbol of companionship.  I'm sure it's family considers it a member; that dog symbolizes family, too.  I realized that there was a truer, deeper power in the things that I find irritating because they may be disrupting my comfort, my status quo.
From irritated to in awe-fully amazed, inspired, and humbled simply through the process of changing the lens in which I view.

From this, I feel good.

 

Maybe a checklist will help.

As I said yesterday that I lost my job because I was always late or never there. I basically chalked that up to me staying up too late because I never wanted to say, "no," and always wanted to say, "where's the next one..." This led to me, on average, staying awake until 3am to wake up at 6am. Understandably, I couldn't hear my alarm, hit snooze too many times, or just neglected to set my alarm the night before. Really, it boils down to irresponsibility. Although I'm not living that lifestyle anymore, it seems to me that I'm not quite there when it comes to being responsible. I'm only 31. Isn't being responsible reserved for adults. Adults that have jobs. Grown-folks that have others relying on them for various things like making it to work on time, making others feel that they have made the right decision to place their faith in them? Hmmmm, this is were I'm confused. I have a job. Other rely on me to be at work on time. I have people that, indeed, rightfully placed their faith in me. So what's the problem? Well, I thought I turned my alarm on. I checked the alarm time. I checked the volume. I DIDN'T turn the alarm on. I had to be awoken and told that that will be the last time. How did that start my day? Terrible! Immediately, I was wading through fear and self-doubt. Wow, I can't blame it on the alcohol. I can't blame it on the drugs. Damn, I can't even blame it on both. What was I fearful of? I was fearful that I couldn't rely on my sober-self to be responsible, be on time, and be able to keep my 2nd chance job. I was doubting myself that I be normal, relable person. I was pointing to something there earlier. That magical word is BLAME! If I get rid of all the blaming all that there is left to do is to start accepting RESPONSIBILITY. What can I do to be more responsibility. For one, I'm going to make a checklist before I go to bed: alarm time...check, alarm volume...check, alarm on...tripe check. This may seem extreme, but I don't care. This is something that I feel I have to do to be more responsible. Again, we are at the choice thing again. PLACING BLAME OR ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY. So, with searching for what to learn from my negative start, I've deal with the negative feeling in a RESPONSIBLE way. What's the reward? Me feeling wonderful about myself and ending the day off properly.

Who I Am

I feel that there is some need to briefly give a basic background on who I am. 31, that's my age. I have been clean of drugs and alcohol since December 3, 2009; for a little over 4 months. I never thought that I was the type of person to expose myself to anyone unless I was self-medicated with intoxicants. My experiences, feelings, short-comings, everything will given away. In doing so, my thoughts and feelings revealed will act as an internal release, a sharing mechanisms, a thought organizer, and a emotional progression gauge. Right now, I am not entirely sure where I am going to start, but I am going to set aside fear-based hesitations and jump into it.

On December 4, 2009, I joined a recovery program in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. I spent my first three months of sobriety living under the roofs of this "house." I graduated from the program on March 6, 2010. I think this is one of the most important things to reveal because this is where I gained my strength, tools, and love to continue my recovery. I learned a lot about myself in the short three months. I learned a lot about other people with the same issues as myself. I learned about my fears, my weaknesses, and my forgotten strengths. What's amazing is that I learned that most of my weaknesses weren't always weaknesses they were strengths that I once had, but as previously stated, were forgotten. I came to remember that I was an admired person by many. I came to realize that I am a loved person. I came to feel that I am a loving person. Charming, loving, sensitive, emotional (which isn't a weakness, but a strength), and others are traits that have been forgotten and left ungroomed, unrefined. I allowed my idea of being emotional as being weak eat away at the very essence of me; transforming me into the lost, scared, and angry man-child that I am slowly letting go of. I also come to be aware that this transformation led me into a connected negative. This negative come in the form of me being very much about self; selfish, self-centred, self-motivation, and so on. Most of my decisions were and are based on me; how I can benefit, what who be easiest for me, how will I feel about it. These decisions brought me on my journey to me, December 4, 2009; my lowest. I say my lowest, but it was the end of my lowest cycle and the beginning of something fantastic. That something fantastic is a new journey of me continuously improving, accepting and loving myself.

My plan is to post daily logs, to cover and share what I have learned during my three month stay at the House that saved my life, share my troubles and how I am able to see the positives in those trouble. I am going to share who I am on the inside; positive and negative. Now I know that I haven't introduced myself completely, but that's okay because all the necessary information with me included with my future sharings.

GudTynz out