A View from a Different Lens

I find it amazing that a different day, hour, minute, mood, or awareness can inspire such alternate views on the same thing.  A few days ago for a couple of days, I kept hearing a neighbour's dog bark.  Some my thoughts were, "Shut the F (long form) up," and "Shut the F (again, long form) up."  To say the least, it was annoying and irritating to me.  This actually brings me back to when I was a practising alcoholic, as an uninvited live-in basement guest at my Grandma's (Mimmi's) which so happened to be occupied by my best-friend and brother-cousin or brousin (he made that up the other day...IT'S GREAT).  As per usual, I have become side-tracked.  So ya, I remember being hungover and tired...therefore I was still sleeping.  My Mimmi had a budgie making a sorts of racket and disturbing my self-induced coma.  Did that ever infuriate me.  I was yelling into my pillow, yes you guessed it, "Shut the F (and again, long form) up."  Back then though, it was with more rage.  Like come on, it had to be 1 pm...way too early to be woken up by a bird after a "good" night, right?
Here's a couple of things that I realize.  I may not be sleeping in until 1 pm anymore with a hangover, filled with rage a tiny bird singing, but I still am on this journey of not accepting things that do not conform to my view of perfection....F'n dog!  But no, not F'n dog or F'n birdy!  I started to read this book called Spiritual Intelligence: A new way of being by Brian Draper and was given an opportunity to reflect on what was going on that I may have been missing.  I am finding that I am beginning to really look at things different as I did when I was sick and blind.  Like I said, I still do struggle, but I am aware and I do eventually see things differently.  When I was laying there with the book face down on my chest and me reflecting, that same dog started barking.  Even before the dog started barking, I was thinking of it and what really does that dog symbolize.  In mind, I was seeing the dog as a symbol of life and of like creation.  I was thinking of the awesomeness of genetics and the power of DNA; how it's amazing that with just an altered arrangement can produce different living forms.  That barking sound is a result of biology, physics, and chemistry; life.  Not just life, but love, as well.  A family, or at least one person loves that dog.  That dog is a symbol of companionship.  I'm sure it's family considers it a member; that dog symbolizes family, too.  I realized that there was a truer, deeper power in the things that I find irritating because they may be disrupting my comfort, my status quo.
From irritated to in awe-fully amazed, inspired, and humbled simply through the process of changing the lens in which I view.

From this, I feel good.

 

A Five Syllable Word for Sloth

Throughout my life and continued daily I struggle.  Somethings I struggle with more than others, but one of the biggest things I battle with and against is another word for one of those seven deadly sins.  It's a five syllable word called procrastination.  As you try and confirm that it is there are five syllables, I will assure you that are five of them.  With every battle, there are a number of forces trying to gain their own will.  Usually the will that wins out is the one that has never done me any good; my self-will. Through following my own will, I am susceptible to my selfish ways.  These ways are very limiting to me.  Whether they are in the form of my nemesis, pride, or any other thing that follows the Trev-centric ways, they take away from the greater good of growth and giving.  The way I see it, if I'm not growing, learning, a feeling good with myself, I am no good to anyone else.  When those three things are in-sync, I am in-tune with other people's feelings, wants, and needs.  When in-sync, I am that smiling, chipper fellow with a twinkle in his eyes that someone whom once told me that everyone found so irresistible as a child.  So how do I battle this self-will?  Upon asking the question while typing, I was flashed with an action I used to do as a child when I was asked to do something I didn't want to do.  Somewhat of a simultaneous eye and head-roll with a whiny "Uuuugh, whhhhy?!"  This is basically what happen internally when faced between what should be done, the right thing and doing what I want to do, usually the wrong thing.  Again, how to do I fight it?  I gain the motivation with the inspiration of the last time I got something done that I needed to.  I "visualize" and feel the inner sensation of accomplishment.  I remember that mini-success achieved by winning a past battle with procrastination.  I recall how feelings achieve by just getting to the task and completing it propelled me through the rest of day and into the following days.  What motivates me in these situations is really those good feelings achieved by doing those productive things and having that sense of success.  You see, I've always loved feeling good. The problem was with alcoholism, I was dependent on being intoxicated to experience those feeling.  I couldn't handle coming down from those synthesized good feelings so I continued that blurred existences until my body couldn't handle it anymore or until the money was all gone.  Now, I have an opportunity to become "addicted" to healthy good feelings achieved by doing the things that are necessary, right, and actively bring me close to the goals I have in place.
I was texting someone sometime ago and was hit with one of those "Aha" moments.  I was emotionally struggling with accepting where I was with my career and financially.  First of all, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Second, it all falls on me.  If I am not liking where I am and I am not doing anything about it, where am I going to continue to be?  Ya, exactly where I am not wanting to be.  I get inspired by certain quotes, but if I am allowing my fears or sloth to continue to be the main driving force in my life, I can have all the willingness and inspiration in the world and still will not act.  Willingness alone does nothing for me.  Through experience, once I fight through sloth and fear and do what I know I can do, everything begins coming my way, I feel great and those great feelings, as said before, have a multiplier effect through the added motivation they cause.
So for me to get things done and battle fear and sloth, I have to remember the good and just act without thinking, justifying, or remaining to committed to my will.  I will always remember the quote from Vanilla Sky, "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

A taste of the sweet....

So last night, I was laying there, watching tv, and texting to some people...weird, me text? All of a sudden, I realized that I had a goofy little grin on my face. I wasn't watching anything amusing so there was absolutely no reason for me to be grinning. The only other time that I've had goofy grins are when I was thinking of a special person, or if well, I'm not going to get into that...there's young eyes reading this...lol! I came to realize that I was in a state of contentment, a state of happiness. I came to realize that last night I was feeling the best I have in about 2 months. I was rocking goofy grins back then, too. They weren't about what I was experiencing last night and actually, tonight. Last night, I caught a glimpse at what I've written about what I am trying to acheive...happiness and inner peace. Tonight, I feel even better. As I type this and as I've had since about 8 o'clock, I continue to sport this grin. Over the past hour, I've shared with others about my current experiences, I've listened, and I've smiled, giggled, and laughed to the point of tears. I really don't need to write anymore. There was an issue today at work regarding someone else ignorance, but it doesn't even matter. That's their problem not mine. What matters is me feeling through these positive emotions and appreciating them. I know there will be plenty more in the future. Maybe the greatest part of this is that when I do experience these moments, I will remember them because I am sober. I will remember them because this is what I am striving for. Although I may, no will, go through tough times, I will continue to truly experience them in a sober way so that I know the sweet from the bitter. I love accomplishing things and me reaching this level of peace and happiness is truly an accomplishment.

Omit Ego and Pride...Substitute with Humility and Acceptance

Another month has come into my sobriety. 9 months...3/4 of a year! Yes, I am good at math. I am feeling excellent. Earlier this week, not too excellent. I was doing a lot of dwelling, fighting to battle self-pity, second-guessing myself, and allowing my mind to be somewhere else and not on myself. Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be concentrating on me. If I don't make me number 1, I will never be able to be as best as I can be for everyone else. As you know, I do a lot of reflection throughout the day and during this past week, I have become stronger through more self-discovery. This neither is new to me nor is it to a certain few, but I really dislike not getting my own way. I dislike losing. I dislike being told things about myself that are negative. Initially, I do not take to these things to well. How would my emotional process be? Let see...frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and acceptance. What happens when acceptance occurs? A chance for learning which, in turn, leads to strengthening and growth. Flat out, I still am trying to figure out the not getting my own way issue...that shit is entrenched in me and will take some time to alleviate myself of it. When it comes to losing it's a matter of my pride and ego being bruised. It will always happen, those things being bruised, it just how I deal with it that'll make the difference. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't always have to happen. If I continue to humble myself, expect less of myself and others, and accept things for what they are, I can lessen the bruising. Yes, I hate losing in sports, but this is not what this is about. This is deeper, but in line with a competitive game. If I am trying to sell myself, my point, my wants, etc and it the outcome turn out the way I want...hmmm weird, I sense a tie in with something previously said, I feel that I have lost. So me not liking losing parallels me not getting my own way...may seem obvious, but I took me this writing to piece that together. Also, it is about setting my expectation to a certain level or outcome while not allowing the possibility of anything less or different that contributes me not accepting what happens. This then causes me to feel all the negative emotions that I prefer not to experience. These negative emotions are inevitable, but if I can lessen the experience through more acceptance and less expectation, why not?
As for being told things about myself that are negative. Hate it! Again, it's about my pride and ego. How dare someone say something about me, to me, with maybe the intentions to give me an opportunity to improve on myself. Really, I love my reflection. I welcome the self-discovery. Notice, the MY reflection and the SELF-discovery. I like the feeling of doing things myself; that feeling of accomplishment. Come on though, I am pretty bias to myself. After all, I have the ego and pride. Yes, I am as honest to myself as I have ever been in my life, but wouldn't someone else's caring opinion hold some truth? After all, if it wasn't for the people in my life that I pushed away, hurt with my self-destruction, that love me, if it wasn't for their consistent reminder of what was really going on with me, who would I still be? Where would I be? I wouldn't be me...I denied their observations, their feelings for so long and it only caused pain, shame, and blame. What happened when I decided to take into consideration what these people, you people, my family and friends, what you had to say? I saw it. I accepted it. I was able to see that I needed help. I got help. I have you all back in my life...the way you are supposed to be in my life...and I you. I took so long because I didn't like what you were saying about me. I didn't believe it. I thought how dare you. I came up with excuses. Why? Refer to the part where I said that I'm pretty bias of myself. Now, I still fight and dislike it, initial, but after, I am seeing this tidbits of infomation as truths that I don't want to see right away. That's what they are; they are truths. The people that I have in my life aren't going to say anything to me to hurt me. If it's negative, it's because I need to see something that I may be blind to. It love that they are offering me. Love to a better me. Let's boil it down to this: I need to work very hard at replacing my ego and pride, little by little, with humility and acceptance. By doing this, my dislikes will lessen and my joy and contentment will increase. An increase in joy and contentment will bring me closer to me being the best that I can be for everyone of you.

Stronger and More Appreciative

The clouds of the past few weeks have cleared and my eyes and mind remained clear. I want to share while things are going well rather than just when I am upset. Everything is back on track. Everything is where it's supposed to be. For the first time in my life, I faced emotional hardships head-on. I dealt with, felt through the pains. People have been there to support me and I have the ability to appreciate and accept that support. I have been telling people that I've been dealing with everything the way I have been supposed to be...the mature, sober way. In doing so, I have grown stronger and stronger. The old saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Again, there's new meanings to old sayings that I never took to the time to realize. Through these tough times, I've learned that life and time is precious, love is powerful, and support is indispensable. Also, I learned that left on it's own without being in the moment with others, my mind can and will think of the most negative things possible, re-live the past, and dwell on pain. People need people...very true for me. I never realized just how much I forgot that I love to love, love to be loved, love to be a friend, and love to have friends. I went from always being with friends, to only calling when I was drunk...I always felt that I couldn't find things to talk about while sober, but when I was drunk, I could talk about anything...the only problem was that usually "anything" was a lot of anything stupid!!! I have returned to always being with friends. Not face-to-face, but through other modes of contact. You know, with the shit I've done I could spend the rest of my days apologizing. I am not going to though because simply through what I am doing and returning to my old self, I don't need to. People love the new, old me. I love the new, old me. My lifestyle change is in itself an apology and a showing that I didn't like who I had become. I love who I am becoming...a modest, humble greatness is what I will become (yes, I do sense the contradicting tone of what I just said). My aim is to be great in my own rights with everyone that is and will be in my life. I aim to make a change for the positive with anyone I come into contact with. Tough? Sure, but I will give it an honest try. I have to...it's the least I can do to give back. Without family and friends being there to be worried about me, angry with me, I probably would have never seen what was becoming of me. Without those same family and friends expressing their support and pride in me, I would be feeling and seeing that immediate changes for the better in me. This is where the modesty and humility comes into play. Without others, there would not be a chance for me to change for the better. I am not doing this by myself. I am doing this with your help. I am doing this for you. More importantly, I am doing this for me. Most importantly, I am doing this for us!

Thinking, thinking, thinking...terrible, terrible, terrible

Well this day has been mother of all struggles of a day. I wish I could really articulate what the shit I was feeling today. Off the charts! I sometimes feel like the biggest hipocrite on the planet. I share my feelings, know how to deal with situations, but when I comes time to deal and feel, I almost complete fall apart. As you know, I am not a praying man, but I actually asked for strength today. Do you know how hard it is to hold in emotions at work...on a contruction site...surrounded by dudes...OH SHIIT!!! There was awhile were I had my 7 month chip in my mouth and remembering where I came from. I understand where I was back then even clearer now. The anxiety that I was fill with was atrocious! I took some time to calm down, really reflect and figure out what the root of this internal chaos was all about. Sure my emotional plate is full. It's okay to be in a little rough shape, but JEEZ get a grip.
Life tosses us plenty of curve-balls. With me, being all sober and whatnot, I really try to grab this life of love by the horns. I've always done things to the extreme. Even now, I am up to my same extreme antics, but in the opposite direction. When things are going well, I dive straight into it with any caution. Funny, my Pops, told me to proceed with things with an optomistic cautioun. How about that? I didn't listen and rode the wave...lesson learned. I was told by a man to do everything opposite of what I would do before. I definitely try my hardest to do that...again, sometimes to the extreme. Where's the balance? I am doing it right now though. Instead of suffering with my own thoughts, I share it and get it out. It's freeing. Today, I did something completely opposite of what I have done in the past. It was the hardest things that I have ever done...you have no idea! In the past, I would fight and claw until I got what I wanted...by any means necessary. Today, I had to let go and not try to fight what's going on here. Letting go...that's what really dealing with my past is all about...especially if it negative. It doesn't matter what was said or done 10, 5, 1 day ago...its doesn't matter what was said 20 minutes ago. It's been said or done. Yesterdays reality isn't necessary today's reality. I need to accept that, but it's far easier said that done....
...you know what? It's change of tone time. I just came back from meeting with someone. I also came back from my Wednesday group. I shared, I listened, I feel great now. I heard from someone while on my program in Windsor say that if I could just cut all your heads off, I could cure you all. I never understood it. I never understood it until tonight. I realized my self-propelled terrible day was a result of far too much thinking. Thinking of the past. Thinking of expectations. Thinking of things that are out of my control. Thinking, thinking, thinking. It took me to be around someone else chatting about what's bothering me, chatting about this, that, and the other thing to get me out of that terrible thinking to begin to feel better. My mind, left to run wild, will make me go crazy...as it did today. I understand what the gentleman meant now. Easy up on the thinking that are negative, out of my control, and not necessarily true. Half-way through that group, I was smiling and feeling like my normal self. It's true...everything passed...moods, pain, negativity only to be replaced with a calmness, a peace, a contentment. It's not going to last forever, but I will appreciate and enjoy it while I have it.
Enjoy your night, day, evening...whatever it is when you're reading this.
Your friend,
Trev...Trevor for long :)

Double Whammy Challenge - I'm Ready

It's the last day of my 7th months of sobriety. Tomorrow is the beginning of my 8th. In the past 8 months, I've had my ups and downs. Most of it has been great. I've dealt with anger, sadness, and self-pity. There has been plenty of death around me...more than I would've liked. Someone I love is in very bad shape. I did follow through in my commitment to face, feel, and love yesterday. It was one of the tougher situations I've ever been in. For the first time, my brothers all embraced. We embraced around their father. We shed some tears. We laughed. We appreciated. We reflected. We felt. We were in unity. Love was in the air. Following returning home I sent them a text about how great it was to see them regardless of the circumstances, how special it was to see them as the fine young men that they have grown into. I let them know that their dad couldn't have done a better job. In my heart the world is a better place because they are in it. The world is a better place because Denis raised them the way he did. Right now, I would like to say, "Great job Denis!!" My one brother replied to my text letting me know how proud Denis was of me for doing what I have been doing. He always knew how great of a guy I was despite my problems. If there's anything to take away from this is that one, smoking isn't a good thing. Two, before his coma he was proud of me and I'm going keep this going. They say that we're only one drink away from being back where we were. I know that. They say that nobody is safe. I accept that, but I REFUSE to place others' love and pride for and in me in vain. My heart is too loving now to allow hurt to be placed on anyone else for my actions. I know what pain is like and nobody deserves it. Even in this time where I have another issue affecting me. I won't get into to it, but whenever I was in situations where my heart has been broken, I would place myself into such a deep intoxicated that I would be incoherent, belligerent, and a complete and utter disaster. I would do this to mask the pain that I couldn't handle. The pain of things that I did; my drinking being more important than others, or my cheating to boost my ego. The funny thing is that I would end up being even more upset later that night, ashamed and depressed the day after...not to mention hungover as all hell. Not this time. For once, my drinking or being disloyal hasn't got me into this situation. I can handle this one because my hearts been proper. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Where it counts, on the inside, I did everything that I was supposed to do because I followed my heart and listened. I placed others ahead of me...FIRST TIME EVER!!! This morning I made a commitment and asked today to basically accept things I cannot change and change what I can...ME, MY ATTITUDE, ANYTHING THAT I HAVE REAL CONTROL OF. The old saying be careful what you wish for...ya, very true. I've been told that whatever I struggle with ask for help in dealing with it. When I ask, I will be put to the test. I will be challenged. I have been put to the test. I have been challenged. A man once told me that if I want something, three things will happen. It seems obvious, but I need to focus on it for my betterment. I'll get it right away because I'm ready for it. I won't get it right away, but I'll get it later because I'm not ready for it, but at a later time I will be ready. Or, I'll won't get ever because there's something better for me out there. With that in my head, it does help my situation, but it doesn't take away the face that I'm hurt. With being hurt, I am going to go an array of emotions. What am I feeling? I'm feeling sadness, loss, anger, rejection (one of my biggest fears), confusion, betrayal, and so on. That's the toughest part. These emotions are helpful, useful, and necessary. It's what I do with these emotions. I am going to remain positive. I will accept the situation. I will not resent even though every bit of my alcoholic-self wants to. I was always embarrassed or self-disapproving of my situation (that I got myself into) live with parents, no license, etc. Again, this is all on me. I was always hesitant to approach people because of fears of not being accepted for my current, temporary situation. I put down those fears in hopes that me, my heart, my personality would trump those meaningless things. The same fault I work on everyday, runs rampant in virtually everyone else; judgement. Someone thing that I have struggled with my whole life, approval of others, is not only in me. It's everywhere. I am not alone. What I am learning here is that I and everyone else, at our root, have the same issues, same insecurities, same fears, same emotions. Where we all are on dealing with them are different. I must and will accept that. I will continue to work on my issues, day-in and day-out. I am still sober. This double whammy of shittiness is not knocking me down. I am going to continue to look up to where I am going. I will not stop moving forward for anyone, anything unless it's to do the right thing and help. I WILL BE THERE FOR THE PEOPLE I LOVE, ALWAYS. I will continue to love this guy, me. Not today, but maybe one day is something I will be open to. I will show caution when necessary. I will follow my heart. I will do as I say, as I promise. I will be true to others, but more importantly, I will be true to myself. If I don't know who I am or what I want, I can't possibly be true to anyone else. My heart's in the right place right now. 8 months tomorrow...7 months ending today. I guarantee that 8 months will come tomorrow because I am now up for any challenge or test...even if they come in pairs. I am now ready for my next step to the top. I am focused like a laser.

Face, feel, and love

I'm back and yes, still very sober. I definitely need to share what's going on inside. I previously mentioned that during my life, I've been lucky enough to have six close parental figures. Two Thursdays ago, one of them suffered a heart attack. Upon first hearing of this, I feel that I handled it well...as well as I could. When reaching a certain description of his state, I got up, said I didn't want to hear about it, and went outside. Although there was a reality to it happening, it took the imagery to make it all that more real. With a realization to reality, I begin to feel and it's tough sometimes. The true feelings ddin't come to surgace until I made the decision, last Wednesday, to go to the hospital today. When this decision was made, feeling of guilt and fear came rushing in. It wasn't until I was sharing those feelings that they manifested themselves into tears. I knew that the tears were needed. I knew the tears meant that I cared for someone else. Most importantly, I knew that the tears were also associated with those negative feelings of guilt and fear. Guilt of past things done that I CANNOT change. Fear of feelings of powerlessness; over his well-being. I am going to lay it out as clearly as possible. I am afraid of seeing him in his state, in the hospital bed and me not being able to do anything about it. I am afraid of seeing his boys in pain and not being able to do anything about it.
There is something I can do about the boys' pain. I can do the right thing. I can be there for the boys. Them knowing that their big bro, Trevor, is there when they need him, will make them feel better; that's what I CAN do. When their dad wakes up and learns that I was there it's just one more person to add to the already huge list of all the people that care for him. We all need to know that we are loved. From a personal and emotional standpoint, it's all that we really need. With the excess material things that run our lives, we lose focus on that true priority of love and being loved. There will be always someone with something newer, bigger, and better. The grass will always look greener on the other side if we concentrate on what's not important, what we don't have, who we don't have, and what other's has or has to offer. The grass is always green on our own side if we focus on what we do have...what have that matters...people that love us and people we love. Don't get me wrong, I will attain all the material things that I want, but I won't do it alone. It will be after and as a result of acheive loving relationships in my daily life, appreciating what matters in life, and giving more than I receive. It'll be a result of me appreciating those who love me and me showing my love to those whom I love. When it's all said and done, I'm not taking anything or anyone with me. All I'll have is my calm, inner peace. What I'll leave is the memories and love of a good man.
So what do I need to do? I need to set aside my natural selfishness to avoid the feeling of fear. I need to remember that any guilty is associated with the past and there is NOTHING I can do about it. I need to do the right thing NOW and be there for my brothers whom I love. I need to remember it's not always about me and my comfort. Soberly speaking, I need to realize that the old me wouldn't have and didn't think of others in this situation. All I did was drink, numb, and avoid. Now, it's face, feel and love.

Priority #1 - My worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk.

This should have been address many moons ago. How my priorities will dictate my happiness and peace. Whatever I want, better yet, need in life will never come to fruition unless I take care of me first. Without me being at peace with myself, I cannot have peaceful life. Without loving myself, I can love no one else. Without inner-peace or inner-love, I WILL NEVER have the true sobriety. Sure, there's a possibility of me not drinking or drugging, but what's the point if I'm feeling the same way as I was while practicing. There's a term for that...it's called being a dry alcoholic. When the novelty of being a new man wears off, one is left with that cold realization that without working on what's needed, life cannot be enjoyed or appreciated the way it is supposed to be. There are still challenges. There are still rough times. Accepting and dealing with these things makes the difference in peace and happiness.
What do I want in life? Sure, I want the materials things, the status things still. What's wrong with having what you want? Nothing as long as it's acquired through doing what's right. What's right for me, again, is to be at peace with myself. That way, I will be able to enjoy everything I want. What else do I want? A family is something that for many years I was pretty cynical about. If I still drinking and drugging, had a family, would I still have a family? Probably not. I would be inconsiderate, disloyal, dishonest and would not be a contributor to any relationship. In fact, I was never a contributor. Well, yes I was, I was a contributor of heartbreak, anger, and disgust. What about my want for career success? I mean king of industry kind of success? Well, before I was the king of losing employment...and that's it. I missed work. I was always late. When I did go to work, I was always over-tired and reaked of booze. My potential was stiffled everytime. I always told my mom that these jobs didn't count and when my career started that I would make the necessary adjustments. What happen though? I never allowed myself to make it to that level....career level. I was getting fired. I was lost. So with a loving sobriety, I can apply myself to my maximum potential. I am able to interact with people in a tactful manner. I will be able to become a king of industry. My wants are all fine and dandy, but the real question is what I need.

What do I need? I need to make my recovery my very first priority. Without it, nothing above will be attained and appreciated appropriately. With my true sobriety, everything that I desire will fall into place when the time is right. I am learning who I am, how to deal with tough situations, and how to manage my emotions. I am learning of my potential. Life is a tricky things, but I feel that it boils down to balance. Yes, I need my recovery to come first, but I also need to balance it out with the other facets that make up my daily life. Sure there is going to be some stumbles along the way, but I have the tools to get back up. I have a fellowship of love, family and friends that love me, and a growing understanding of myself. So let's break it down. Without recovery, I will never maintain an beneficial relationship or family. Without recovery, I will never achieve success in any form of career. Without recovery, I will never acquire the unimportant, but very fun, toys of life. Without recovery, I will never be truly happy with, at peace with, or love myself. I heard, and definitely am never letting go of, "my worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk." Wow, I don't know about you, but those are some serious words right there...so, so true!

Father/Son - One-winged Angels

First things first, this has been by far the best Father's Day that I've spent with my Dad. We were supposed to go golfing, but didn't. What we did was so much more meaningful to me. We sat out on the deck and simply talked. That's it. I learned the story of the precursor of Trev Tynes. It others words how he and my Mother met. I've always known a fairly short version, but this one was a little more in-depth. Whether or not he wants to admit it, I know where I get my soft heart and my ability to care easily. We went over an idea I have for a product in our, yes OUR, field of work. Seeking approval, it's something that I'm sure I've struggled with. My past wouldn't really allow for much approval. My present does though. Going through this idea, brainstorming together, and setting out the next steps was probably the funnest group of activities that I have ever had. To me, they were much like the time when he taught me how to play baseball and football. I know how to play those sports now...very well I might (modest, eh). With the help of Pops, this idea very well may turn into something, but if it doesn't, the time spent is what I'll remember when I'm 90. I'll remember that for as long as I will remember learning the sports. I remember those special things in childhood, and now in adulthood until I can't remember to remember.

There something else I want to touch on tonight. Many people may not and will not be able to understand this, but people like myself need other struggling or recovering people in their lives. An individual once told me that an alcoholic is like a one-winged angle. If he doesn't have another alcoholic, he will just fly in circles and eventually hit bottom. He needs the other alcoholic to fly straight, to fly high. Funny thing, I was having trouble with people seeing signs of something greater and I was confiding in this person with this. He told me that story and not a second later that he finished, another fellow (named Trevor, too) came up to us and offered me a feather....I KNOW!!! CREEPY!!! It was so creepy that I was basically forced to be more open-minded to things that I sealed away from my rational thought. I'm bringing this up because I had someone get in touch with me tonight and he confided in me. I was so honoured that he would text his "big brother" to let me know what's going on. I offered my thoughts to him to help him learn what he needed to learn. I believe in this kid. He is truly a good-hearted individual. He knows that he will never be alone in the journey. The same goes for me. If I'm having an issue with something, I have a seemingly neverending list of people to call. These guys will tell me what I don't want to hear, keep me accountable, and will care for me from here on out. Without them, I would not be where I'm at today. This is the beauty of this journey...it's people helping people...this is the way it's supposed to be. What I mean by supposed to be is that this is how EVERYONE should be. I am going to try and live by what I feel and say here. I am going to commit to being as helpful to others as I possibly can.

This has been a great few recent days. The week is ending the way it's supposed to be; happy and peaceful.

Thank you, my friends, for spending time to read these digitized feelings. I love you!

Motives

Well my friends, this guy is ready for another entry. I was relaxing and enjoying the morning...at 5 in the morning. I began to think about the last time, the first time I tried this and what were the difference from this time, which will be the last time (you see how I worded that...pretty clever).

Let's see, in 2004, I made a half-hearted attempt. I really wasn't wanting to get sober. I know now that I had another 5 years of destruction in me. That bottom wasn't quite there. I may have felt that way, but it wasn't. Then, I was removed from my Mimi's house. I had nowhere to go, so I was SENT to Brampton. After sweating the booze out, I was told that life's about choices. I had a choice of going to an outpatient program or not have the support that was being offered. Obviously, I was going to use my brain and avoid being homeless. I chose to go to this day program. Sure I learned about myself, the addictions, but I wasn't fully into it. My main focus was on an ex-girlfriend. I truly believe that was the biggest future downfall of my half-assed sobriety. Sure I was sober for 4 months, but I hadn't changed what was going on inside. When I fell off, I went out with a buddy, had some drinks (managed consumption), met some ladies, and had an overall good time. It didn't take long until my managed consumption was overwhelmed by my complacency and I was right back to where I was November 2004. Let summarize, I was basically forced into intake, I was mainly focused on someone else, and I never really addressed what was on the inside.

This time around, my motives were far different. Sure, I had a little "nudge" from my caring parents. I wasn't be threatened on being kicked out, but this was a major concern for them...STILL! Perhaps, my Mother's prayers led my hand to pick-up the intake phone. I don't know. I'm not fully in comprehension of praying yet. Regardless, I was sick of where my life had gone. I was sick of looking at friends, younger friends, having things that I always expected to have bigger and better...if that makes sense. I was sick of causing chaos with the only family that I have. The family that's loved me since 1979 (that's when I was born..lol) I could go on, but I won't. Okay, one more, the most important, I was sick of not being the person that I truly was, the person that I am making continuous strides towards now. What I'm trying to say is that my motives were for the right reason. I did this for me. Once I straighten my shit out, everything else soon fell into place. I'm that big brother, son, grand-son, friend that I am supposed to be. Why am I continuing with this success? It's the appreciation of who is in my life. It's doing what I need to do rather than what I want to do. It's maintaining my meetings. It's maintain commitment with my program brothers from Windsor. It's being responsible with sobriety.

This felt like something that I could never describe....wait, elation!

Just did a spell-check...first time no spelling errors...lol!

Look at me...getting all growns up!

This has been a big hiatus I must say. As of June 3rd, I was 6 months sober. Yes, that's a whole half of a year. There was a time in my life that I thought stopping partying was for quitters. Now, I feel that there is something to say about this continued sobriety. I posted my initial 3 day countdown and my 6 month status update and the comments and thumbs up were just great. This shows me, what I've known for sometime, that people really do like "Sober Trev" I heard that a lot initially, but not as much anymore. This is who I am now. I'm not "Sober Trev" anymore. This is me. The novelty wore off, it has been consumed with support, it has become me. To me, I'm just Trev.

Really though, I'm Trev that is becoming more and more responsible daily. Here are some updates in my continued growth. My very first passport is coming in the mail. Once that's in, I will have legitimate identification so I can confirm my id with Capitol One. That will lead to my credit card to be in transit. This will be my first one that I treat with respect, diligence, and responsibility. I transformed the seemingly shit fact of a couple of rain days into opportunities to be constructive and productive. I compiled a list of conscious debts and delinquent accounts. I made my attempts to contact them and set up payment plans. Any others that I missed, I will be able to find them with my credit report...that I'm going to finally be able to get with my credit card. From there, I can start calling the missed account. Finally, during one of the rain days, I set-up my RRSPs. It's funny, I was suppose to be a financial consultant, but I had mine in shambles. HAHA! That's strangely odd to me. Two years, is my new goal of home-ownership. It's will happen a lot sooner than I originally thought. Really, I didn't think it would happen ever and if it did, it'd be closer to me being 40. That was me worry about what my past has done to my future. What I am doing now is working in the now and doing what I have to do now to ensure that bright future. That bright future that I no longer dread, but am open to and excited about.

Sober Meds - sharing and listening

What happens when I don't take my sobriety meds? Sobriety meds are my meetings, entries, and interactions with other alcoholics. The answer is that I lose touch with what my main objective; serenity within myself. I lose focus on what really matters. I progressively become hazed in the fogginess of anger, resentments, and self-pity. I am supposed to be progress to perfection, but never to attaining it. When I fall off of my structure of sobriety, I being reverting back to my old ways. Yesterday was the first one I attend since last Thursday. As of yesterday, before the meeting, I had allowing anger and a slight resentment edge closer to hatred. Hatred....EWWW! GROSS!!! There were moments in the past two days that I had urges to drink. Yep, it's true. I was thinking to myself that all this effort was seeming to be too difficult and a pain in the ass. They say the program to staying sober is simply, but it's sure as hell not easy. These negative thoughts were all before my meeting yesterday, I must include. I got some shit off of my chest. I listened to others' experiences. I continued my search within to finally find where I was at fault. I made a conscious decision to change MY attitude and way of thinking. What was the result? A much more serene day. That's what I look for; serenity. As much as I sometime don't feel like doing what I'm suppose, no have, to do, I have to really keep in mind where my mind goes without what's necessary. Doing what I'm supposed to be doing...ummm, sounds a little grown-up to me! Am I really getting there? I think so!

Letting Go

There was one non-family member that had the unfortunate challenge of knowing the using me that I treated beyond poorly. Up until entering the program I was in, I had really no remorse to the things that I did to this poor person. She hoped and hoped...one more, and hoped that I would change my ways and just treat her the way that she deserved. It wasn't happening on my watch. I was enjoying my sickness. At same time, I was hating it. Really though, I was not willing to see this sickness or accept defeat. At risk of being judged my some, I'm going to briefly go over the hells that I dragged this person through. I am not too concerned about being judged because I've figured out that this method of honesty really shows me who healthy for me and who is not.

Before getting into it, I'm going to tell you how my cousin asked me why I'm not afraid of sharing me with the world. My response was born from what I learned in Windsor. In Windsor, we were forced to share things with the other alcoholics. We found that by doing so and seeiing that we were not judged by others, because they were no different, we can see that what we are so shameful of has the right to be forgiven. More importantly, if anyone did judge or talked about it, that was their problem and they weren't "there" yet. The good people in life won't judge on differences, but accept and cherish what we have in common. I am trying sooo hard not to judge and to find common grounds with people. It's tough as shit. I do catch myself all day, every day judging and picking apart personalities. By catching myself, it gives me an opportunity to take another look at myself and further refine my personal defects. It also, gives me an opportunity to put a stop to my corrosive judging. People define themselves by things that we have in common with one another. That's how civilization works. Why is it that although this is a natural tendency, there's such a paradoxical tendency to find the difference, as well? That's my question. Whatever, it's a question that I can define the answer to myself with the internal changes that I make. Finally, what the sharing with the other alcoholic did was help me accept that people are going to think what they want. Some will love me, some will hate me. Their thoughts are their's, not mine. I can't change what's theirs. I can only change what's in here...pointing to my heart.

Alright, now that I procrastinated to expose the terrible things that I've done, we can get back to it. Really, I'm not going to get into too much detail, but I still can sum it up and get the appropriate effect. This person asked me one request...to be faithful. I looked her in the eyes and promised that. That promise was not a promise. It was more of a way of getting the answer out that was necessary to get off the topic. It was on more than one occasion that, as my Nanny would say, I was running around. With that, naturally came the dishonesty. I would lie about things that wouldn't even be necessary. I would disappear for a couple of days at a time. Whether I was cheating or not, she was assuming that because I provided her the reason to believe it. I tried to set double standards. I could go out and find nothing wrong with it. If she wanted, I didn't like that too much. Jealousy...hmmm, jealousy and no trust. Why cause I saw that dishonesty in myself and projected it on her. Drunken messages...oh, the drunken messages. There were times that things got the extremes whether they were physical or verbal...ALL IN ALL THE LEVEL OF DISRESPECT WAS BEYOND WHAT SHE WAS READY FOR. All of of this affected her in a truly deep manner...even long after her and I. I never realized what kind of damage that I have done, but it's over. This is just a sharing and a releasing of what was in me. This person has begun the healing process now. In knowing this, I can begin the self-forgiveness, as well. I mustn't dwell on what happened in the past...just has I made a point of in my last entry. Today, today, today. I, now, know who I was in the past. I'm beginning to know today's me. I'm going to end this with letting you know that RIGHT NOW, I am in a wonderfully peaceful place and I am very excited for this weekend...

Today - the one day that counts.

Let me tell you something about resentments. They are the one thing that prevents relationships from continuing and blossoming. For me, they caused continuous negative feelings. Negative feeling that included fears of relationships, anger, bottled up emotions that could only be expressed while drunk. I've noticed that resentments also prevent people from being responsible through responding and only allow them to react. Until my resentment were diluted, I wasn't able to accept responsibility for my past actions, enjoy the full relationships that were meant to be, or simply be happy. There is something going on my life right now that is difficult to deal with. The person involved is someone I care for in the pure meaning of caring. I feel powerless over the situation. I feel that there are too many unknowns. If there are unknowns and powerlessness, I mind become to be in shambles. I wanted to share this Thursday, but I couldn't. I needed to compose myself and reflect to really be able to share the positives that are arising from this situation. Without getting into detail, which is tough, I have to be able to, at least, lay the groundwork. Someone I know is in trouble. I don't know the consequences of this trouble. Me not knowing is opening the door to a great deal of fear. Me not knowing also makes me feel powerless. This feeling of powerlessness makes me also feel angry. I like to be in control of things, but I'm not God. There is a plan in the stars and I have to let go and allow whatever is to happen happen...this is very difficult. I don't like things that are difficult. I like the easier route. If I wasn't good at something, I would say that I didn't like it and quit. Anything that I was a natural at, I loved it and continued on until others became just as good as me. At which point, I would come up with an excuse and quit. Baseball, basketball, football...I quit them all because I wasn't at the top. Most importantly, I wasn't, or at least I thought I wasn't, good at being sober. I was great at consuming booze and drugs...so I continued. I stopped because I wasn't any good at it anymore. I mean, I was still great at the act of consuming, but the resulting actions of mine weren't so great. In fact, I became terrible with how I acted and dealt with me. My life was completely unmanageable. I'm very slowly getting good at being sober. It's the first time I'm actually taking steps to improve my feelings of me, my ability to be social, and my ability to think of others first. Most importantly, I getting good to releasing my resentments. So we're back to the resentments. I didn't get a little off track there. For reasons unnecessary to disclose, this person that's in trouble, was the main focus my resentments. Through, accepting my sick behaviours, understanding that I'm not perfect, and accepting that others aren't perfect, I have been able to wash myself to this garbage. In doing so, I've come to realize that yes, I do feel powerless and scared, but why? It's because I care for this person. Would I feel these intense emotions to this degree if I was still holding on to these resentments? N.O.! Sure they would be there, but not to the extend that would bring me to tears when talking about it. This is the positive that I need to realized before I could share anything. Mind you, this does not take away from the fact that stress it still there. I have to help myself relieve myself of the stress. I have to accept that this is what is going on. I have to accept that I am not in control. At the top of the list of HAVE TOs would be to just live for today, appreciate the love in my life today, and embrace that I care today rather than worrying about things that I cannot control tommorow, or stressing over things that I cannot possibly predict tomorrow. Today not Tomorrow. Today not Yesterday.

Spoiled vs. Struggling

I was talking to someone the other day regarding my recovery. I mentioned my struggles and he replied along the lines of being spoiled not struggling. I became defensive right away and tried to discount what he said. As he proceeded to speak, preventing me to say mine, I was becoming more and more agitated. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because I know this guy (me) has been spoiled from day 1. I've always had an out. I've always had someone to fall back on. I've never walked through life without a lifeline. This is exactly the point he was trying to get across. This messed me up so much that it took me away from what I really meant by "struggles." It took me until later that night while reviewing/reflecting on my day to really see what was really going. The fact that I wasn't ready, at that point, to see the truth made for my pride to be hurt. Stupid pride! Pride along with a laundry list of these character deficiencies that I have work on and mitigate. To say the least, it's taxing and frustrating. It's funny, this is exactly what I meant by struggles. It's these struggles to be aware of, catch, and stop these slips in character. Sure, I am progressing successfully, but I'm the type of person that expects me to be great at everything. When I'm not in comes the frustration and anger. Really, the only thing keeping me sane is the support of loved ones (you), meetings, and writing the inside garbage out with this outlet. You see, what I just said about expecting myself to great...deficiency. In my program, someone said that we walk in thinking we have one or two problems, drugs and/or alcohol, then we leave with a list of 62,000. I laughed...it's funny cuz it's true. Is it every true. For the gentleman that brought up the point of being spoiled and begun the ball rolling to the point that I had to look at myself even deeper, he deserves my thanks. For myself, I have to continue to grow-up, stand on my own. In addition, I have to accept me and my deficiencies, learn to be patient with my progression, and continuously persevere. There isn't a magic pill. This is a lifelong journey. I am going to fall and scrap my knee, but I am going to get back up, dust myself off, and continue.

Old, but New Writing...and some New New

Hey hey! I'm at home right now with an ill stomach. This means that I've missed my first meeting while I was in the area. BOOOOO!!!! I didn't feel like typing tonight, but I think it would be a suitable substitute for my meeting. I feel like poop, that's with a capital SHIT! I'm still going to work today. I've been pondering on the goal of making this a perfect season: no sick, missed, late, or vacation days. Pretty lofty, but I think I can do it.

My cousin, whom I never met, came over this weekend. I tell ya, today, I went into work feeling absolutely fantastic. This was a superb weekend filling with laughter, tears, and good quality family time. My Nanny slept over Friday and Saturday. As you know, it was her birthday Saturday. Her and my Step-mom's reactions to their card where priceless. It feels good to make others feel good. It's far better than feeling shame of forgetting or not having the money to buy even a card simply because I've spent it on me; feels damn good.

Back to my cousin, this man is the definition of persistent and never say die. He has faced adversity, the unknown, rejection, and near loss of hope. I said near loss of hope, though. After rejection, he got back up and strove to find out what he wanted, no needed, to find out. It has been a journey for him that I can't really understand. This is what I have learned from him: 1) Failure is only when I give up. 2) I took for granted having and knowing my family 3) If I want something enough, I will acheive it (a little like #1), family is number 1 (re-inforcement) God, this weekend was something else. It also makes me realize that there's been something that I have been procrastinating about because I'm afraid...this is something that I need to do, or I will never be complete. I don't know how others involved feel about me sharing this so this is as far as I'm going to go. Whomever is reading this, please ask me if I've done my "commitment" here. I'm going to do it by Friday.

I still feel pretty ill here, but I'm glad I could share the awesomeness of this weekend. I've been feeling pretty bottled up while not making these entries, so expect a few more this week. Not tomorrow though because I'm having a sleep-over at my Nanny's again. Oh ya! Here's something that I wrote while I was fresh out of Windsor. My dad sent me an email today recommending that I make that part of my daily reading being that I will remind me of "whence" I came. I'm going to take his advice.

I was doing my daily reading from my Twenty-Four Hour a Day book and something special in me occurred. While readying yesterday and today’s messages (Honesty Note: I missed my reading yesterday) I came across a message that I related to myself a couple weeks ago while on Program. The message was regarding the Prodigal Son, whom, “took his journey into a far county and wasted our substance with riotous living.” Something came over me to look it up while at my friend’s place and I was taken back by the similarities of myself and that story. Now keep in mind, that I’m not all too religious, but I am alcoholic. To me, this is powerful because I'm not too religious, but I can look past my resistances and accept the similarities and my spirituality. When I shared this with my group, I related this me having a job with my Dad, but wasting the opportunity through selfishness, irresponsibility, self-deservingness and overall lack of appreciation. My natural negative assumption was that the opportunity was wasted and a great deal of shame and guilty were attached to my riotous living. There is another part of the message the is read, “When he came to himself, he said: ‘I will arise and go to my father.‘” Through letting go of my need for self-medication of substances and relying again on other human beings, I’ve been able to come back to the new opportunity with my father’s open arms of forgiveness. We are able to the share the mutual opportunities together due to my new found willingness, my new found openness to those that love and care for me. The message today briefly tells the end of the story where the father of Prodigal Son says, “He was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found.” I inadvertently made that relation to myself in my graduation speech. What I was getting at was that I was lost to my family: my parents, my siblings, my grand mothers, aunts/uncles, cousins and friends. I was lost to myself. As the light slowly came upon me and the negativity was slowly released, I was able to begin finding myself. In doing so, I wasn’t lost anymore to those that tried and tried to love me, but I wouldn’t accept it. Upon being found, and my continuous search into myself, and my continuous acceptance of myself, I am able to be the loving son, brother, grand-son, nephew and friend, those whom needed and wanted to be special in my life. Everyone in my life is special and deserves me to love them. Everyone in my life is important and deserves to be allowed to love me. So, I’ve lived one life and I’m beginning a new one. I dragged others through my old one. Now, I’m welcoming others to join and team up with me and enjoy the new one.

Love,
Trevor

Non-using Relapse Mode

Wow, it's been awhile. The network producers cut the blog down from a daily sitcom to a weekly event. Trust me, I've been feeling like there's something missing in my life. I've been slacking in nearly all aspects of me staying sober. Until today, I hadn't read my daily reading since Monday. I haven't been doing simple chores that I should be doing. Clearly, I haven't been releasing what's inside on this blog. As a result, feelings of wanting to use have crept up, loneliness and the want of female companionship is at a highest, and I've be falling in my spirituality; judging, reacting, and not accepting. I feel that I have been on relapse mode without the using.

Last week, I failed to include some of the goings ons on Friday. I went bowling with my cousin and his lovely girlfriend...whom I'm very fond of. If there is any points for cousin acceptance, she gets them. After bowling, there was talk of going to a bar. I used to hit this bar up EVERY Wednesday for cheap drinks. 99% of the goings ons I cannot recall on account of being over-self-served and then over-served. When it was first mentioned, I said no. Then the song Tik Tok came on in the bowling alley and I got excited...shut up! i love the song...and decided to go. Entering into the bar, I immediately felt out of place and old as shit. I ordered an energy drink because I was tired...another reason I had no business in this place. I didn't see the bartender pour it and it looked like there was booze in it. I ask my friend to test it for me, which he did, and he asked the bartender if there was any booze in it. Nope. Let's see, sober 31 year old surrounded by drunken 19/20 year olds...TERRIBLE. Why did I go? At first, I thought it was because I got excited to dance, but I realized that I really didn't have any motivation to do such a thing. While reflecting and taking a deep honest look on the inside for my motivations I came to my real reasons...women and pats on the back. What a reason to place myself in a situation that would could very well unravel everything that I have worked so hard for. My cousin's girlfriend showed much concern and kept asking me how I was doing. That I found very caring and considerate. After 20 minutes, I decided to leave. I didn't know anyone, I didn't want to dance, and I was bored, and I was getting increasingly irritated with the whole scene. I came to the conclusion that that life was truly not for me. That conclusion came on the Friday and Saturday, but I look at it even more honestly at my meeting on the Monday. If I knew people and were getting the pats on the back, if I had some attention from the females would've I really have left after 20 minutes? These are the tough questions that need to be answered, or at least honestly considered. The truth is that I probably would've just basked in the attention and LOVED IT. My conclusion that that scene is not for me wouldn't exists. My intentions to continue to go to clubs/bars would be intact. My self-immersed temptations would be strong. And my inevitable fall would be present. There's an old saying: If you sit in a barber's chair long enough, you will eventually get a haircut. I have my head shaved so I don't need to go and waste my time, my money, and my self getting that "haircut".

As mentioned above, I've been slacking and I've been in relapse mode. I've been allowing my self-will take over. Monday, I felt great about being 5 months sober. This is what's getting to me, I thought things were supposed to get easier. Self-will has crept in and I've been under a constant urge for the past 2 weeks to smoke the weed. I feel that I never really had a problem with it so why not. I'll tell you why. I CAN'T. If I can't be content in a clear and sober mind, then I'm defeating the whole purpose of not needing booze and the others to feel complete and of value.

Speaking of feeling of value, I was also sharing that it was my lack of self-value that was a contributor of drinking. Everyone nows that I was a talker, a joker, a non-filtered and sometimes biligerent drunk. You catch me while sober, not so. While drunk, I was on the phone calling everyone; regular drunken-social-butterfly. While sober, my phone wasn't being answered and I was in hiding. I was talking to an old friend and I made a joke about where he's been. He replied what are you talking about? You're the one that has been in hiding. So very true. I was in hiding. I was hiding myself. My aunt sent me a message that I was in hiding, I was sometime MIA, but that she's happy to have the old TJ back. That it's been years. You see, although I was out and about, talkative, and emotional while drunk that wasn't the real me. Sure the booze gave me the courage to cry or show how I was really feeling. Without the booze, I didn't feel that my feelings or thoughts were of value. I kept them in. I hid myself. As I feel better about myself, as I feel of more value, I don't need to hide what's inside anymore. More and more, I am becoming more talkative while SOBER. I'm becoming a more geniune me. I'm becoming TJ again. My mom sent me a Christmas letter that said that "The old, young TJ, that everyone found irresistable, is waiting to come out and play again...just without the maturity." By far the most touching and inspiring words anyone could offer me in my time of necessary support. I smiled then immediately began to cry. The point is that I do feel of better value to people and I do want to come out and play again. Don't get it wrong here: I'm still pretty immature. You should see me in my hyper-activity mode...OH BOOOY!!! I'm not going to discount my progress though. I do feel that I have been growing up...FINALLY! The first 30 years of my childhood was a rough go. My focus is not on the next party or next whatever. It's on what the next right thing to do is. You know what, the next right thing to do is to remain focused on staying sober, do the responsible thing, and proceed with progress. At that, I'm going to end this and say Happy Mother's Day. Although she doesn't have a computer, I'd like to say, "Happy Birthday, Nanny. I love you!"

Powerful Happenings

Good morning. I've been slacking as of late. My excuses are that I've been quite tired after my daily physicalities with meetings on top of that. I realize that they are just excuses. I've returned to Sarnia for the weekend. This is where really it all began. I have hesitations when the thought of Sarnia come into play. There's a mixture of excitment and fear associated with my visits to Sarnhole. I've only been back 4 times since beginning my journey of sobriety. They were for Christmas, Easter, after Graduation, and now, for my Mommykins' visit from Alberta. Yep, I did write Mommykins'. Have I ever called her that? No, but it just came over me to give her that term of endearment. Since my last entry, a few great things have happened.

The first one occurred at my meeting on Thursday. One of the fellowship was expaining that she had a powerful Godly experience. It was quite moving. When it was my turn to share I was quite emotional and content. Sobriety is a strange and wonderful thing. I had a moment of realization that I have made progress on spiritual level that I never thought would be. You see, I've always been quite scientific and mathematical. I've always been very anti-religious. My Mom would always try and make me read the Bible, talk to me about praying. I would become angry and irritated. The more I heard about it there more I would put up a barrier. A few months ago, if I would've heard someone talking about hearing God, I would've rolled my eyes, sighed heavily, and walked away resentful and angry. Now, I hear this sharing and I am listening, getting teary eyed, and am being open to this possibility. I have an open-mind to a Higher Power and now believe that anything is possible. Perhaps, what I've so strongly held on to for 30 plus year could be wrong. This is what I shared about in Windsor that if I were to accept that there could be a God or a Higher Power would mean that I would have to let go of something that I believed so strongly in my whole life. If you know me from before, then you know that I like to be right ALL OF THE TIME. It's a matter of pride and ego. To admit or accept that I could be wrong is an incredible stepping stone for my sobriety and spiritual growth. I'm not there, not in the least bit, but I am open to the possibilities. I am accepting of others' view, experiences, and beliefs. With this bring a great deal of peace, calmness, and tranquility.

The second came yesterday when I got into Sarnia. I have TERRIBLE credit. Right from when I was 19 when I got that student credit card at Seneca and maxed it out in Sarnia in 10 days and never paid it back my credits been poop. I had no sense of obligations went it came to credit and no sense of consequence. Unfortunate mindset, but a reality. Over the past few years, many opportunities were missed because of my financial immaturity. It has been a boiling point for self-pity as well. I'm not going to get into everything that has been missed, but I will tell you that I am on my way to normalcy. I know that I am unable to get a unsecured credit card, but there's is the option to go the secured route. Somewhat of topic, I've made a list of personal actions that I must take to achieve certain things in my life. I guess we'll call them goals. This isn't the first time I've written out goals, or other ideas for that matter. There has never been an excution though. I guess it a good thing that I bought that Making Ideas Happen book rather than the book for picking up women. One of things on my list was to get a secured credit card. I've went through the process of applying, but when it was time to pay my money was appropriated to other "more important things" such as the drinks or the drugs. I went to the bank yesterday right before it closed and got a money order for the security fund for the card signed to the "lending" bank. I never got over that hump. I've made that past elusive step. I'm sorry I had to bow my head there in thanks and just give myself an internal, "right on"

The last thing that made me feel great about myself is that I owed somebody very close to me some money for well over a year. I was in Sarnia in November of 2008. It was the last time I saw that close person until I entered the recovery program. I missed my ride home to Brampton because I was continuing my bender and because I was being inconsiderate. I missed work on the Monday without calling. In order to get home, he had to lend me the money for the train and cab. This was on top of money that he'd given me for booze and food. This was money for his trip to Jamaica in which I promised to pay back the next week. This was money that he was relying on for his trip, money that he diligently saved. I never did pay him back. I left him high and dry. He went, but with less than he wanted go with. The guilt and shame attached to the inconsiderations to someone that I apparently loved was more than too much. It wasn't too much though. I should've felt that shit because what I did was disgusting. I'm actually feeling kind of ill about it now. The thought sickens me. Let's refocus on the present now though. He's forgiven me, but I haven't fully myself. During Christmas, he said not to worry about it. He that we're are straight. I offered him some money yesterday. It was about half of what I owe. He refused it until I'm more sturdy on my feet. That old saying...it's the thought that counts...rings very true here. He appreciates the offer and the willingness. I appreciate his patience and support. We are back to our old tight ways and although the thoughts of the past things I did make my stomach turn, I do .have a sense of comfort that self-forgiveness is an eventual given. In doing the right thing comes a right feeling.

Principles over Personalities

During my recovery, I've been given the tools to relieve myself of the soul-corroding resentment that I was plagued with. I learned about these crazy things called forgiveness and acceptance. It's the acceptance that I was to talk about tonight. In my 24 Hours a Day book, I read that God's way is one of love and tolerance. Tonight, I also want to talk about tolerance. You see, tolerance and acceptance go hand-in-hand. At my Wednesday meeting, we are given a choice to make a topic for discussion. I whole-heartedly made mine accepting other people. I feel that I pretty much liked everyone while I was drunk. While sober on the other hand is a different story. For the most part, I like and get along with plenty. You know what, it's my fellow gender that gets me going so much. I was a great deal of pride and I still am very ego-reactive. If someone makes me feel that I don't know what I'm talking about, don't know what I'm doing, discounts my suggestions,or simply interrupts me while I feel I am inputting something of value, I become flushed with anger, resentment, and spiteful thoughts. It all comes down to having a "dick swinging" contest (excuse the language). Unless I'm tired and cranky, I don't usually fly off the handle and get terribly angry. I do, however, become passive-aggressive with tactics of sarcasm, silent-treatment, or complete omission of the others presence. I know it's immature, but I can't help it. I do have the power to, as someone said tonight, "spot it and stop it." What I've been able to do through my awareness is try and stand in the others' shoes. Perhaps, the other person is just trying to help and give me an opportunity to learn. Perhaps, the others person has good intentions. The fact is that both of the instances are true, but my ego and pride cloud what's really going on. Since ego and pride are so sensitive in me, I react in a overly sensitive manner. Don't get me wrong, there are times were people are just being assholes, but it's up to me, still, not to react and accept people for who they are, what's on their mind, how they know in dealing with others. It my mind, my feelings, my mood that I'M in control of. If I allow others to affect me in a negative way, it's all on me. Again, I have a choice. It's not easy always, but it is my responsiblity in order to stay happy, stay positive, and most importantly, stay sober. In AA, we say Principle over Personalities. That's something that I must remember all of the time. Don't worry, you guys (and gals) are alright in my books...:)