Motives

Well my friends, this guy is ready for another entry. I was relaxing and enjoying the morning...at 5 in the morning. I began to think about the last time, the first time I tried this and what were the difference from this time, which will be the last time (you see how I worded that...pretty clever).

Let's see, in 2004, I made a half-hearted attempt. I really wasn't wanting to get sober. I know now that I had another 5 years of destruction in me. That bottom wasn't quite there. I may have felt that way, but it wasn't. Then, I was removed from my Mimi's house. I had nowhere to go, so I was SENT to Brampton. After sweating the booze out, I was told that life's about choices. I had a choice of going to an outpatient program or not have the support that was being offered. Obviously, I was going to use my brain and avoid being homeless. I chose to go to this day program. Sure I learned about myself, the addictions, but I wasn't fully into it. My main focus was on an ex-girlfriend. I truly believe that was the biggest future downfall of my half-assed sobriety. Sure I was sober for 4 months, but I hadn't changed what was going on inside. When I fell off, I went out with a buddy, had some drinks (managed consumption), met some ladies, and had an overall good time. It didn't take long until my managed consumption was overwhelmed by my complacency and I was right back to where I was November 2004. Let summarize, I was basically forced into intake, I was mainly focused on someone else, and I never really addressed what was on the inside.

This time around, my motives were far different. Sure, I had a little "nudge" from my caring parents. I wasn't be threatened on being kicked out, but this was a major concern for them...STILL! Perhaps, my Mother's prayers led my hand to pick-up the intake phone. I don't know. I'm not fully in comprehension of praying yet. Regardless, I was sick of where my life had gone. I was sick of looking at friends, younger friends, having things that I always expected to have bigger and better...if that makes sense. I was sick of causing chaos with the only family that I have. The family that's loved me since 1979 (that's when I was born..lol) I could go on, but I won't. Okay, one more, the most important, I was sick of not being the person that I truly was, the person that I am making continuous strides towards now. What I'm trying to say is that my motives were for the right reason. I did this for me. Once I straighten my shit out, everything else soon fell into place. I'm that big brother, son, grand-son, friend that I am supposed to be. Why am I continuing with this success? It's the appreciation of who is in my life. It's doing what I need to do rather than what I want to do. It's maintaining my meetings. It's maintain commitment with my program brothers from Windsor. It's being responsible with sobriety.

This felt like something that I could never describe....wait, elation!

Just did a spell-check...first time no spelling errors...lol!