A Five Syllable Word for Sloth

Throughout my life and continued daily I struggle.  Somethings I struggle with more than others, but one of the biggest things I battle with and against is another word for one of those seven deadly sins.  It's a five syllable word called procrastination.  As you try and confirm that it is there are five syllables, I will assure you that are five of them.  With every battle, there are a number of forces trying to gain their own will.  Usually the will that wins out is the one that has never done me any good; my self-will. Through following my own will, I am susceptible to my selfish ways.  These ways are very limiting to me.  Whether they are in the form of my nemesis, pride, or any other thing that follows the Trev-centric ways, they take away from the greater good of growth and giving.  The way I see it, if I'm not growing, learning, a feeling good with myself, I am no good to anyone else.  When those three things are in-sync, I am in-tune with other people's feelings, wants, and needs.  When in-sync, I am that smiling, chipper fellow with a twinkle in his eyes that someone whom once told me that everyone found so irresistible as a child.  So how do I battle this self-will?  Upon asking the question while typing, I was flashed with an action I used to do as a child when I was asked to do something I didn't want to do.  Somewhat of a simultaneous eye and head-roll with a whiny "Uuuugh, whhhhy?!"  This is basically what happen internally when faced between what should be done, the right thing and doing what I want to do, usually the wrong thing.  Again, how to do I fight it?  I gain the motivation with the inspiration of the last time I got something done that I needed to.  I "visualize" and feel the inner sensation of accomplishment.  I remember that mini-success achieved by winning a past battle with procrastination.  I recall how feelings achieve by just getting to the task and completing it propelled me through the rest of day and into the following days.  What motivates me in these situations is really those good feelings achieved by doing those productive things and having that sense of success.  You see, I've always loved feeling good. The problem was with alcoholism, I was dependent on being intoxicated to experience those feeling.  I couldn't handle coming down from those synthesized good feelings so I continued that blurred existences until my body couldn't handle it anymore or until the money was all gone.  Now, I have an opportunity to become "addicted" to healthy good feelings achieved by doing the things that are necessary, right, and actively bring me close to the goals I have in place.
I was texting someone sometime ago and was hit with one of those "Aha" moments.  I was emotionally struggling with accepting where I was with my career and financially.  First of all, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Second, it all falls on me.  If I am not liking where I am and I am not doing anything about it, where am I going to continue to be?  Ya, exactly where I am not wanting to be.  I get inspired by certain quotes, but if I am allowing my fears or sloth to continue to be the main driving force in my life, I can have all the willingness and inspiration in the world and still will not act.  Willingness alone does nothing for me.  Through experience, once I fight through sloth and fear and do what I know I can do, everything begins coming my way, I feel great and those great feelings, as said before, have a multiplier effect through the added motivation they cause.
So for me to get things done and battle fear and sloth, I have to remember the good and just act without thinking, justifying, or remaining to committed to my will.  I will always remember the quote from Vanilla Sky, "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

Omit Ego and Pride...Substitute with Humility and Acceptance

Another month has come into my sobriety. 9 months...3/4 of a year! Yes, I am good at math. I am feeling excellent. Earlier this week, not too excellent. I was doing a lot of dwelling, fighting to battle self-pity, second-guessing myself, and allowing my mind to be somewhere else and not on myself. Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be concentrating on me. If I don't make me number 1, I will never be able to be as best as I can be for everyone else. As you know, I do a lot of reflection throughout the day and during this past week, I have become stronger through more self-discovery. This neither is new to me nor is it to a certain few, but I really dislike not getting my own way. I dislike losing. I dislike being told things about myself that are negative. Initially, I do not take to these things to well. How would my emotional process be? Let see...frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and acceptance. What happens when acceptance occurs? A chance for learning which, in turn, leads to strengthening and growth. Flat out, I still am trying to figure out the not getting my own way issue...that shit is entrenched in me and will take some time to alleviate myself of it. When it comes to losing it's a matter of my pride and ego being bruised. It will always happen, those things being bruised, it just how I deal with it that'll make the difference. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't always have to happen. If I continue to humble myself, expect less of myself and others, and accept things for what they are, I can lessen the bruising. Yes, I hate losing in sports, but this is not what this is about. This is deeper, but in line with a competitive game. If I am trying to sell myself, my point, my wants, etc and it the outcome turn out the way I want...hmmm weird, I sense a tie in with something previously said, I feel that I have lost. So me not liking losing parallels me not getting my own way...may seem obvious, but I took me this writing to piece that together. Also, it is about setting my expectation to a certain level or outcome while not allowing the possibility of anything less or different that contributes me not accepting what happens. This then causes me to feel all the negative emotions that I prefer not to experience. These negative emotions are inevitable, but if I can lessen the experience through more acceptance and less expectation, why not?
As for being told things about myself that are negative. Hate it! Again, it's about my pride and ego. How dare someone say something about me, to me, with maybe the intentions to give me an opportunity to improve on myself. Really, I love my reflection. I welcome the self-discovery. Notice, the MY reflection and the SELF-discovery. I like the feeling of doing things myself; that feeling of accomplishment. Come on though, I am pretty bias to myself. After all, I have the ego and pride. Yes, I am as honest to myself as I have ever been in my life, but wouldn't someone else's caring opinion hold some truth? After all, if it wasn't for the people in my life that I pushed away, hurt with my self-destruction, that love me, if it wasn't for their consistent reminder of what was really going on with me, who would I still be? Where would I be? I wouldn't be me...I denied their observations, their feelings for so long and it only caused pain, shame, and blame. What happened when I decided to take into consideration what these people, you people, my family and friends, what you had to say? I saw it. I accepted it. I was able to see that I needed help. I got help. I have you all back in my life...the way you are supposed to be in my life...and I you. I took so long because I didn't like what you were saying about me. I didn't believe it. I thought how dare you. I came up with excuses. Why? Refer to the part where I said that I'm pretty bias of myself. Now, I still fight and dislike it, initial, but after, I am seeing this tidbits of infomation as truths that I don't want to see right away. That's what they are; they are truths. The people that I have in my life aren't going to say anything to me to hurt me. If it's negative, it's because I need to see something that I may be blind to. It love that they are offering me. Love to a better me. Let's boil it down to this: I need to work very hard at replacing my ego and pride, little by little, with humility and acceptance. By doing this, my dislikes will lessen and my joy and contentment will increase. An increase in joy and contentment will bring me closer to me being the best that I can be for everyone of you.