A View from a Different Lens

I find it amazing that a different day, hour, minute, mood, or awareness can inspire such alternate views on the same thing.  A few days ago for a couple of days, I kept hearing a neighbour's dog bark.  Some my thoughts were, "Shut the F (long form) up," and "Shut the F (again, long form) up."  To say the least, it was annoying and irritating to me.  This actually brings me back to when I was a practising alcoholic, as an uninvited live-in basement guest at my Grandma's (Mimmi's) which so happened to be occupied by my best-friend and brother-cousin or brousin (he made that up the other day...IT'S GREAT).  As per usual, I have become side-tracked.  So ya, I remember being hungover and tired...therefore I was still sleeping.  My Mimmi had a budgie making a sorts of racket and disturbing my self-induced coma.  Did that ever infuriate me.  I was yelling into my pillow, yes you guessed it, "Shut the F (and again, long form) up."  Back then though, it was with more rage.  Like come on, it had to be 1 pm...way too early to be woken up by a bird after a "good" night, right?
Here's a couple of things that I realize.  I may not be sleeping in until 1 pm anymore with a hangover, filled with rage a tiny bird singing, but I still am on this journey of not accepting things that do not conform to my view of perfection....F'n dog!  But no, not F'n dog or F'n birdy!  I started to read this book called Spiritual Intelligence: A new way of being by Brian Draper and was given an opportunity to reflect on what was going on that I may have been missing.  I am finding that I am beginning to really look at things different as I did when I was sick and blind.  Like I said, I still do struggle, but I am aware and I do eventually see things differently.  When I was laying there with the book face down on my chest and me reflecting, that same dog started barking.  Even before the dog started barking, I was thinking of it and what really does that dog symbolize.  In mind, I was seeing the dog as a symbol of life and of like creation.  I was thinking of the awesomeness of genetics and the power of DNA; how it's amazing that with just an altered arrangement can produce different living forms.  That barking sound is a result of biology, physics, and chemistry; life.  Not just life, but love, as well.  A family, or at least one person loves that dog.  That dog is a symbol of companionship.  I'm sure it's family considers it a member; that dog symbolizes family, too.  I realized that there was a truer, deeper power in the things that I find irritating because they may be disrupting my comfort, my status quo.
From irritated to in awe-fully amazed, inspired, and humbled simply through the process of changing the lens in which I view.

From this, I feel good.

 

Omit Ego and Pride...Substitute with Humility and Acceptance

Another month has come into my sobriety. 9 months...3/4 of a year! Yes, I am good at math. I am feeling excellent. Earlier this week, not too excellent. I was doing a lot of dwelling, fighting to battle self-pity, second-guessing myself, and allowing my mind to be somewhere else and not on myself. Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be concentrating on me. If I don't make me number 1, I will never be able to be as best as I can be for everyone else. As you know, I do a lot of reflection throughout the day and during this past week, I have become stronger through more self-discovery. This neither is new to me nor is it to a certain few, but I really dislike not getting my own way. I dislike losing. I dislike being told things about myself that are negative. Initially, I do not take to these things to well. How would my emotional process be? Let see...frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and acceptance. What happens when acceptance occurs? A chance for learning which, in turn, leads to strengthening and growth. Flat out, I still am trying to figure out the not getting my own way issue...that shit is entrenched in me and will take some time to alleviate myself of it. When it comes to losing it's a matter of my pride and ego being bruised. It will always happen, those things being bruised, it just how I deal with it that'll make the difference. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't always have to happen. If I continue to humble myself, expect less of myself and others, and accept things for what they are, I can lessen the bruising. Yes, I hate losing in sports, but this is not what this is about. This is deeper, but in line with a competitive game. If I am trying to sell myself, my point, my wants, etc and it the outcome turn out the way I want...hmmm weird, I sense a tie in with something previously said, I feel that I have lost. So me not liking losing parallels me not getting my own way...may seem obvious, but I took me this writing to piece that together. Also, it is about setting my expectation to a certain level or outcome while not allowing the possibility of anything less or different that contributes me not accepting what happens. This then causes me to feel all the negative emotions that I prefer not to experience. These negative emotions are inevitable, but if I can lessen the experience through more acceptance and less expectation, why not?
As for being told things about myself that are negative. Hate it! Again, it's about my pride and ego. How dare someone say something about me, to me, with maybe the intentions to give me an opportunity to improve on myself. Really, I love my reflection. I welcome the self-discovery. Notice, the MY reflection and the SELF-discovery. I like the feeling of doing things myself; that feeling of accomplishment. Come on though, I am pretty bias to myself. After all, I have the ego and pride. Yes, I am as honest to myself as I have ever been in my life, but wouldn't someone else's caring opinion hold some truth? After all, if it wasn't for the people in my life that I pushed away, hurt with my self-destruction, that love me, if it wasn't for their consistent reminder of what was really going on with me, who would I still be? Where would I be? I wouldn't be me...I denied their observations, their feelings for so long and it only caused pain, shame, and blame. What happened when I decided to take into consideration what these people, you people, my family and friends, what you had to say? I saw it. I accepted it. I was able to see that I needed help. I got help. I have you all back in my life...the way you are supposed to be in my life...and I you. I took so long because I didn't like what you were saying about me. I didn't believe it. I thought how dare you. I came up with excuses. Why? Refer to the part where I said that I'm pretty bias of myself. Now, I still fight and dislike it, initial, but after, I am seeing this tidbits of infomation as truths that I don't want to see right away. That's what they are; they are truths. The people that I have in my life aren't going to say anything to me to hurt me. If it's negative, it's because I need to see something that I may be blind to. It love that they are offering me. Love to a better me. Let's boil it down to this: I need to work very hard at replacing my ego and pride, little by little, with humility and acceptance. By doing this, my dislikes will lessen and my joy and contentment will increase. An increase in joy and contentment will bring me closer to me being the best that I can be for everyone of you.

Double Whammy Challenge - I'm Ready

It's the last day of my 7th months of sobriety. Tomorrow is the beginning of my 8th. In the past 8 months, I've had my ups and downs. Most of it has been great. I've dealt with anger, sadness, and self-pity. There has been plenty of death around me...more than I would've liked. Someone I love is in very bad shape. I did follow through in my commitment to face, feel, and love yesterday. It was one of the tougher situations I've ever been in. For the first time, my brothers all embraced. We embraced around their father. We shed some tears. We laughed. We appreciated. We reflected. We felt. We were in unity. Love was in the air. Following returning home I sent them a text about how great it was to see them regardless of the circumstances, how special it was to see them as the fine young men that they have grown into. I let them know that their dad couldn't have done a better job. In my heart the world is a better place because they are in it. The world is a better place because Denis raised them the way he did. Right now, I would like to say, "Great job Denis!!" My one brother replied to my text letting me know how proud Denis was of me for doing what I have been doing. He always knew how great of a guy I was despite my problems. If there's anything to take away from this is that one, smoking isn't a good thing. Two, before his coma he was proud of me and I'm going keep this going. They say that we're only one drink away from being back where we were. I know that. They say that nobody is safe. I accept that, but I REFUSE to place others' love and pride for and in me in vain. My heart is too loving now to allow hurt to be placed on anyone else for my actions. I know what pain is like and nobody deserves it. Even in this time where I have another issue affecting me. I won't get into to it, but whenever I was in situations where my heart has been broken, I would place myself into such a deep intoxicated that I would be incoherent, belligerent, and a complete and utter disaster. I would do this to mask the pain that I couldn't handle. The pain of things that I did; my drinking being more important than others, or my cheating to boost my ego. The funny thing is that I would end up being even more upset later that night, ashamed and depressed the day after...not to mention hungover as all hell. Not this time. For once, my drinking or being disloyal hasn't got me into this situation. I can handle this one because my hearts been proper. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Where it counts, on the inside, I did everything that I was supposed to do because I followed my heart and listened. I placed others ahead of me...FIRST TIME EVER!!! This morning I made a commitment and asked today to basically accept things I cannot change and change what I can...ME, MY ATTITUDE, ANYTHING THAT I HAVE REAL CONTROL OF. The old saying be careful what you wish for...ya, very true. I've been told that whatever I struggle with ask for help in dealing with it. When I ask, I will be put to the test. I will be challenged. I have been put to the test. I have been challenged. A man once told me that if I want something, three things will happen. It seems obvious, but I need to focus on it for my betterment. I'll get it right away because I'm ready for it. I won't get it right away, but I'll get it later because I'm not ready for it, but at a later time I will be ready. Or, I'll won't get ever because there's something better for me out there. With that in my head, it does help my situation, but it doesn't take away the face that I'm hurt. With being hurt, I am going to go an array of emotions. What am I feeling? I'm feeling sadness, loss, anger, rejection (one of my biggest fears), confusion, betrayal, and so on. That's the toughest part. These emotions are helpful, useful, and necessary. It's what I do with these emotions. I am going to remain positive. I will accept the situation. I will not resent even though every bit of my alcoholic-self wants to. I was always embarrassed or self-disapproving of my situation (that I got myself into) live with parents, no license, etc. Again, this is all on me. I was always hesitant to approach people because of fears of not being accepted for my current, temporary situation. I put down those fears in hopes that me, my heart, my personality would trump those meaningless things. The same fault I work on everyday, runs rampant in virtually everyone else; judgement. Someone thing that I have struggled with my whole life, approval of others, is not only in me. It's everywhere. I am not alone. What I am learning here is that I and everyone else, at our root, have the same issues, same insecurities, same fears, same emotions. Where we all are on dealing with them are different. I must and will accept that. I will continue to work on my issues, day-in and day-out. I am still sober. This double whammy of shittiness is not knocking me down. I am going to continue to look up to where I am going. I will not stop moving forward for anyone, anything unless it's to do the right thing and help. I WILL BE THERE FOR THE PEOPLE I LOVE, ALWAYS. I will continue to love this guy, me. Not today, but maybe one day is something I will be open to. I will show caution when necessary. I will follow my heart. I will do as I say, as I promise. I will be true to others, but more importantly, I will be true to myself. If I don't know who I am or what I want, I can't possibly be true to anyone else. My heart's in the right place right now. 8 months tomorrow...7 months ending today. I guarantee that 8 months will come tomorrow because I am now up for any challenge or test...even if they come in pairs. I am now ready for my next step to the top. I am focused like a laser.

Today - the one day that counts.

Let me tell you something about resentments. They are the one thing that prevents relationships from continuing and blossoming. For me, they caused continuous negative feelings. Negative feeling that included fears of relationships, anger, bottled up emotions that could only be expressed while drunk. I've noticed that resentments also prevent people from being responsible through responding and only allow them to react. Until my resentment were diluted, I wasn't able to accept responsibility for my past actions, enjoy the full relationships that were meant to be, or simply be happy. There is something going on my life right now that is difficult to deal with. The person involved is someone I care for in the pure meaning of caring. I feel powerless over the situation. I feel that there are too many unknowns. If there are unknowns and powerlessness, I mind become to be in shambles. I wanted to share this Thursday, but I couldn't. I needed to compose myself and reflect to really be able to share the positives that are arising from this situation. Without getting into detail, which is tough, I have to be able to, at least, lay the groundwork. Someone I know is in trouble. I don't know the consequences of this trouble. Me not knowing is opening the door to a great deal of fear. Me not knowing also makes me feel powerless. This feeling of powerlessness makes me also feel angry. I like to be in control of things, but I'm not God. There is a plan in the stars and I have to let go and allow whatever is to happen happen...this is very difficult. I don't like things that are difficult. I like the easier route. If I wasn't good at something, I would say that I didn't like it and quit. Anything that I was a natural at, I loved it and continued on until others became just as good as me. At which point, I would come up with an excuse and quit. Baseball, basketball, football...I quit them all because I wasn't at the top. Most importantly, I wasn't, or at least I thought I wasn't, good at being sober. I was great at consuming booze and drugs...so I continued. I stopped because I wasn't any good at it anymore. I mean, I was still great at the act of consuming, but the resulting actions of mine weren't so great. In fact, I became terrible with how I acted and dealt with me. My life was completely unmanageable. I'm very slowly getting good at being sober. It's the first time I'm actually taking steps to improve my feelings of me, my ability to be social, and my ability to think of others first. Most importantly, I getting good to releasing my resentments. So we're back to the resentments. I didn't get a little off track there. For reasons unnecessary to disclose, this person that's in trouble, was the main focus my resentments. Through, accepting my sick behaviours, understanding that I'm not perfect, and accepting that others aren't perfect, I have been able to wash myself to this garbage. In doing so, I've come to realize that yes, I do feel powerless and scared, but why? It's because I care for this person. Would I feel these intense emotions to this degree if I was still holding on to these resentments? N.O.! Sure they would be there, but not to the extend that would bring me to tears when talking about it. This is the positive that I need to realized before I could share anything. Mind you, this does not take away from the fact that stress it still there. I have to help myself relieve myself of the stress. I have to accept that this is what is going on. I have to accept that I am not in control. At the top of the list of HAVE TOs would be to just live for today, appreciate the love in my life today, and embrace that I care today rather than worrying about things that I cannot control tommorow, or stressing over things that I cannot possibly predict tomorrow. Today not Tomorrow. Today not Yesterday.

Spoiled vs. Struggling

I was talking to someone the other day regarding my recovery. I mentioned my struggles and he replied along the lines of being spoiled not struggling. I became defensive right away and tried to discount what he said. As he proceeded to speak, preventing me to say mine, I was becoming more and more agitated. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because I know this guy (me) has been spoiled from day 1. I've always had an out. I've always had someone to fall back on. I've never walked through life without a lifeline. This is exactly the point he was trying to get across. This messed me up so much that it took me away from what I really meant by "struggles." It took me until later that night while reviewing/reflecting on my day to really see what was really going. The fact that I wasn't ready, at that point, to see the truth made for my pride to be hurt. Stupid pride! Pride along with a laundry list of these character deficiencies that I have work on and mitigate. To say the least, it's taxing and frustrating. It's funny, this is exactly what I meant by struggles. It's these struggles to be aware of, catch, and stop these slips in character. Sure, I am progressing successfully, but I'm the type of person that expects me to be great at everything. When I'm not in comes the frustration and anger. Really, the only thing keeping me sane is the support of loved ones (you), meetings, and writing the inside garbage out with this outlet. You see, what I just said about expecting myself to great...deficiency. In my program, someone said that we walk in thinking we have one or two problems, drugs and/or alcohol, then we leave with a list of 62,000. I laughed...it's funny cuz it's true. Is it every true. For the gentleman that brought up the point of being spoiled and begun the ball rolling to the point that I had to look at myself even deeper, he deserves my thanks. For myself, I have to continue to grow-up, stand on my own. In addition, I have to accept me and my deficiencies, learn to be patient with my progression, and continuously persevere. There isn't a magic pill. This is a lifelong journey. I am going to fall and scrap my knee, but I am going to get back up, dust myself off, and continue.

Principles over Personalities

During my recovery, I've been given the tools to relieve myself of the soul-corroding resentment that I was plagued with. I learned about these crazy things called forgiveness and acceptance. It's the acceptance that I was to talk about tonight. In my 24 Hours a Day book, I read that God's way is one of love and tolerance. Tonight, I also want to talk about tolerance. You see, tolerance and acceptance go hand-in-hand. At my Wednesday meeting, we are given a choice to make a topic for discussion. I whole-heartedly made mine accepting other people. I feel that I pretty much liked everyone while I was drunk. While sober on the other hand is a different story. For the most part, I like and get along with plenty. You know what, it's my fellow gender that gets me going so much. I was a great deal of pride and I still am very ego-reactive. If someone makes me feel that I don't know what I'm talking about, don't know what I'm doing, discounts my suggestions,or simply interrupts me while I feel I am inputting something of value, I become flushed with anger, resentment, and spiteful thoughts. It all comes down to having a "dick swinging" contest (excuse the language). Unless I'm tired and cranky, I don't usually fly off the handle and get terribly angry. I do, however, become passive-aggressive with tactics of sarcasm, silent-treatment, or complete omission of the others presence. I know it's immature, but I can't help it. I do have the power to, as someone said tonight, "spot it and stop it." What I've been able to do through my awareness is try and stand in the others' shoes. Perhaps, the other person is just trying to help and give me an opportunity to learn. Perhaps, the others person has good intentions. The fact is that both of the instances are true, but my ego and pride cloud what's really going on. Since ego and pride are so sensitive in me, I react in a overly sensitive manner. Don't get me wrong, there are times were people are just being assholes, but it's up to me, still, not to react and accept people for who they are, what's on their mind, how they know in dealing with others. It my mind, my feelings, my mood that I'M in control of. If I allow others to affect me in a negative way, it's all on me. Again, I have a choice. It's not easy always, but it is my responsiblity in order to stay happy, stay positive, and most importantly, stay sober. In AA, we say Principle over Personalities. That's something that I must remember all of the time. Don't worry, you guys (and gals) are alright in my books...:)