Thinking, thinking, thinking...terrible, terrible, terrible

Well this day has been mother of all struggles of a day. I wish I could really articulate what the shit I was feeling today. Off the charts! I sometimes feel like the biggest hipocrite on the planet. I share my feelings, know how to deal with situations, but when I comes time to deal and feel, I almost complete fall apart. As you know, I am not a praying man, but I actually asked for strength today. Do you know how hard it is to hold in emotions at work...on a contruction site...surrounded by dudes...OH SHIIT!!! There was awhile were I had my 7 month chip in my mouth and remembering where I came from. I understand where I was back then even clearer now. The anxiety that I was fill with was atrocious! I took some time to calm down, really reflect and figure out what the root of this internal chaos was all about. Sure my emotional plate is full. It's okay to be in a little rough shape, but JEEZ get a grip.
Life tosses us plenty of curve-balls. With me, being all sober and whatnot, I really try to grab this life of love by the horns. I've always done things to the extreme. Even now, I am up to my same extreme antics, but in the opposite direction. When things are going well, I dive straight into it with any caution. Funny, my Pops, told me to proceed with things with an optomistic cautioun. How about that? I didn't listen and rode the wave...lesson learned. I was told by a man to do everything opposite of what I would do before. I definitely try my hardest to do that...again, sometimes to the extreme. Where's the balance? I am doing it right now though. Instead of suffering with my own thoughts, I share it and get it out. It's freeing. Today, I did something completely opposite of what I have done in the past. It was the hardest things that I have ever done...you have no idea! In the past, I would fight and claw until I got what I wanted...by any means necessary. Today, I had to let go and not try to fight what's going on here. Letting go...that's what really dealing with my past is all about...especially if it negative. It doesn't matter what was said or done 10, 5, 1 day ago...its doesn't matter what was said 20 minutes ago. It's been said or done. Yesterdays reality isn't necessary today's reality. I need to accept that, but it's far easier said that done....
...you know what? It's change of tone time. I just came back from meeting with someone. I also came back from my Wednesday group. I shared, I listened, I feel great now. I heard from someone while on my program in Windsor say that if I could just cut all your heads off, I could cure you all. I never understood it. I never understood it until tonight. I realized my self-propelled terrible day was a result of far too much thinking. Thinking of the past. Thinking of expectations. Thinking of things that are out of my control. Thinking, thinking, thinking. It took me to be around someone else chatting about what's bothering me, chatting about this, that, and the other thing to get me out of that terrible thinking to begin to feel better. My mind, left to run wild, will make me go crazy...as it did today. I understand what the gentleman meant now. Easy up on the thinking that are negative, out of my control, and not necessarily true. Half-way through that group, I was smiling and feeling like my normal self. It's true...everything passed...moods, pain, negativity only to be replaced with a calmness, a peace, a contentment. It's not going to last forever, but I will appreciate and enjoy it while I have it.
Enjoy your night, day, evening...whatever it is when you're reading this.
Your friend,
Trev...Trevor for long :)

Sober Meds - sharing and listening

What happens when I don't take my sobriety meds? Sobriety meds are my meetings, entries, and interactions with other alcoholics. The answer is that I lose touch with what my main objective; serenity within myself. I lose focus on what really matters. I progressively become hazed in the fogginess of anger, resentments, and self-pity. I am supposed to be progress to perfection, but never to attaining it. When I fall off of my structure of sobriety, I being reverting back to my old ways. Yesterday was the first one I attend since last Thursday. As of yesterday, before the meeting, I had allowing anger and a slight resentment edge closer to hatred. Hatred....EWWW! GROSS!!! There were moments in the past two days that I had urges to drink. Yep, it's true. I was thinking to myself that all this effort was seeming to be too difficult and a pain in the ass. They say the program to staying sober is simply, but it's sure as hell not easy. These negative thoughts were all before my meeting yesterday, I must include. I got some shit off of my chest. I listened to others' experiences. I continued my search within to finally find where I was at fault. I made a conscious decision to change MY attitude and way of thinking. What was the result? A much more serene day. That's what I look for; serenity. As much as I sometime don't feel like doing what I'm suppose, no have, to do, I have to really keep in mind where my mind goes without what's necessary. Doing what I'm supposed to be doing...ummm, sounds a little grown-up to me! Am I really getting there? I think so!

The Day of Poor Me and What Being Grateful can do.

Alright, so today was my first of my second week back at work. I placed someone very important to me in a position to fire me last year. Let me break it down like this: Friday, I completed my first full week during my first week. Last year, before I was let go, I had two or three full weeks (no absents, no lates) in 10 weeks of employment. All the other weeks I had at most 4 days pay and I was perpetually late. One would think that I would be grateful to have my job back. One would also think that I would be happy that, at least, I have a job. There are others that are laid off, are unable to work, or can't find work. Shoot, there are people that have gone through programs as I did and are going to the food bank! For the love of God, where was the gratefulness! Didn't have it.

This is what kind of person that I am. I expect perfection from myself, others, and situations; most of myself. When something doesn't go right at work, I go from the cheerful Trev, to the sulking, tempter-tantrum-having Trev. Attitude goes straight out the window. Were others privileged enough to experience needing-to-lose-the-'tude-Trev? Oooooh ya! I even had someone comment on the fact they don't like this Trev's attitude...This Trev's...like I'm multi-personalities....COME ON! I'll come back to this one, but first, I have to address my ego.

I'll tell how my pride dictates my mood. I was at the airport today were there were people in suits, flight attendant, pilots, etc walking around. Now, there was me dirty, carrying a shovel, and cold. I felt less-than. This is were the Day of Poor Me began. Rather than being grateful for what I had, I was dwelling on what others had, what I didn't have, what I could've had. To sum it up I was completely immersed in Self-Pity. Let me reiterate, in absence of being peace, love, and tranquility for everything good in my life leaves only room for the chaos, hate, and turmoil that is have an excuse to feel bad about myself; self-pity. Make sense? It does now to me.

Yes, it is becoming clearer and clearer daily. A gift of this sober life is awareness. Awareness in self, others, and life. With the awareness of how I am being perceived, the awareness of how I am affecting others, and the awareness in what I really want in life allowed me to change my attitude today. I went from frowning and thinking to myself, "wow, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to make others feel this way, but I don't want to just TRY and put on a decent face and seem like I'm bi-polar or have a mood-issues to these guys...TOO LATE! What did I do? I turned, stared at my co-worker with a crazy face and made him laugh. I laughed. I felt better. He welcomed Trevor back. It the awareness that offers me a choice now. A choice in gratefulness or self-pity; giving in feelings of joy or selfish in my actions affecting others. It's a choice.