Old, but New Writing...and some New New

Hey hey! I'm at home right now with an ill stomach. This means that I've missed my first meeting while I was in the area. BOOOOO!!!! I didn't feel like typing tonight, but I think it would be a suitable substitute for my meeting. I feel like poop, that's with a capital SHIT! I'm still going to work today. I've been pondering on the goal of making this a perfect season: no sick, missed, late, or vacation days. Pretty lofty, but I think I can do it.

My cousin, whom I never met, came over this weekend. I tell ya, today, I went into work feeling absolutely fantastic. This was a superb weekend filling with laughter, tears, and good quality family time. My Nanny slept over Friday and Saturday. As you know, it was her birthday Saturday. Her and my Step-mom's reactions to their card where priceless. It feels good to make others feel good. It's far better than feeling shame of forgetting or not having the money to buy even a card simply because I've spent it on me; feels damn good.

Back to my cousin, this man is the definition of persistent and never say die. He has faced adversity, the unknown, rejection, and near loss of hope. I said near loss of hope, though. After rejection, he got back up and strove to find out what he wanted, no needed, to find out. It has been a journey for him that I can't really understand. This is what I have learned from him: 1) Failure is only when I give up. 2) I took for granted having and knowing my family 3) If I want something enough, I will acheive it (a little like #1), family is number 1 (re-inforcement) God, this weekend was something else. It also makes me realize that there's been something that I have been procrastinating about because I'm afraid...this is something that I need to do, or I will never be complete. I don't know how others involved feel about me sharing this so this is as far as I'm going to go. Whomever is reading this, please ask me if I've done my "commitment" here. I'm going to do it by Friday.

I still feel pretty ill here, but I'm glad I could share the awesomeness of this weekend. I've been feeling pretty bottled up while not making these entries, so expect a few more this week. Not tomorrow though because I'm having a sleep-over at my Nanny's again. Oh ya! Here's something that I wrote while I was fresh out of Windsor. My dad sent me an email today recommending that I make that part of my daily reading being that I will remind me of "whence" I came. I'm going to take his advice.

I was doing my daily reading from my Twenty-Four Hour a Day book and something special in me occurred. While readying yesterday and today’s messages (Honesty Note: I missed my reading yesterday) I came across a message that I related to myself a couple weeks ago while on Program. The message was regarding the Prodigal Son, whom, “took his journey into a far county and wasted our substance with riotous living.” Something came over me to look it up while at my friend’s place and I was taken back by the similarities of myself and that story. Now keep in mind, that I’m not all too religious, but I am alcoholic. To me, this is powerful because I'm not too religious, but I can look past my resistances and accept the similarities and my spirituality. When I shared this with my group, I related this me having a job with my Dad, but wasting the opportunity through selfishness, irresponsibility, self-deservingness and overall lack of appreciation. My natural negative assumption was that the opportunity was wasted and a great deal of shame and guilty were attached to my riotous living. There is another part of the message the is read, “When he came to himself, he said: ‘I will arise and go to my father.‘” Through letting go of my need for self-medication of substances and relying again on other human beings, I’ve been able to come back to the new opportunity with my father’s open arms of forgiveness. We are able to the share the mutual opportunities together due to my new found willingness, my new found openness to those that love and care for me. The message today briefly tells the end of the story where the father of Prodigal Son says, “He was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found.” I inadvertently made that relation to myself in my graduation speech. What I was getting at was that I was lost to my family: my parents, my siblings, my grand mothers, aunts/uncles, cousins and friends. I was lost to myself. As the light slowly came upon me and the negativity was slowly released, I was able to begin finding myself. In doing so, I wasn’t lost anymore to those that tried and tried to love me, but I wouldn’t accept it. Upon being found, and my continuous search into myself, and my continuous acceptance of myself, I am able to be the loving son, brother, grand-son, nephew and friend, those whom needed and wanted to be special in my life. Everyone in my life is special and deserves me to love them. Everyone in my life is important and deserves to be allowed to love me. So, I’ve lived one life and I’m beginning a new one. I dragged others through my old one. Now, I’m welcoming others to join and team up with me and enjoy the new one.

Love,
Trevor