Letting Go

There was one non-family member that had the unfortunate challenge of knowing the using me that I treated beyond poorly. Up until entering the program I was in, I had really no remorse to the things that I did to this poor person. She hoped and hoped...one more, and hoped that I would change my ways and just treat her the way that she deserved. It wasn't happening on my watch. I was enjoying my sickness. At same time, I was hating it. Really though, I was not willing to see this sickness or accept defeat. At risk of being judged my some, I'm going to briefly go over the hells that I dragged this person through. I am not too concerned about being judged because I've figured out that this method of honesty really shows me who healthy for me and who is not.

Before getting into it, I'm going to tell you how my cousin asked me why I'm not afraid of sharing me with the world. My response was born from what I learned in Windsor. In Windsor, we were forced to share things with the other alcoholics. We found that by doing so and seeiing that we were not judged by others, because they were no different, we can see that what we are so shameful of has the right to be forgiven. More importantly, if anyone did judge or talked about it, that was their problem and they weren't "there" yet. The good people in life won't judge on differences, but accept and cherish what we have in common. I am trying sooo hard not to judge and to find common grounds with people. It's tough as shit. I do catch myself all day, every day judging and picking apart personalities. By catching myself, it gives me an opportunity to take another look at myself and further refine my personal defects. It also, gives me an opportunity to put a stop to my corrosive judging. People define themselves by things that we have in common with one another. That's how civilization works. Why is it that although this is a natural tendency, there's such a paradoxical tendency to find the difference, as well? That's my question. Whatever, it's a question that I can define the answer to myself with the internal changes that I make. Finally, what the sharing with the other alcoholic did was help me accept that people are going to think what they want. Some will love me, some will hate me. Their thoughts are their's, not mine. I can't change what's theirs. I can only change what's in here...pointing to my heart.

Alright, now that I procrastinated to expose the terrible things that I've done, we can get back to it. Really, I'm not going to get into too much detail, but I still can sum it up and get the appropriate effect. This person asked me one request...to be faithful. I looked her in the eyes and promised that. That promise was not a promise. It was more of a way of getting the answer out that was necessary to get off the topic. It was on more than one occasion that, as my Nanny would say, I was running around. With that, naturally came the dishonesty. I would lie about things that wouldn't even be necessary. I would disappear for a couple of days at a time. Whether I was cheating or not, she was assuming that because I provided her the reason to believe it. I tried to set double standards. I could go out and find nothing wrong with it. If she wanted, I didn't like that too much. Jealousy...hmmm, jealousy and no trust. Why cause I saw that dishonesty in myself and projected it on her. Drunken messages...oh, the drunken messages. There were times that things got the extremes whether they were physical or verbal...ALL IN ALL THE LEVEL OF DISRESPECT WAS BEYOND WHAT SHE WAS READY FOR. All of of this affected her in a truly deep manner...even long after her and I. I never realized what kind of damage that I have done, but it's over. This is just a sharing and a releasing of what was in me. This person has begun the healing process now. In knowing this, I can begin the self-forgiveness, as well. I mustn't dwell on what happened in the past...just has I made a point of in my last entry. Today, today, today. I, now, know who I was in the past. I'm beginning to know today's me. I'm going to end this with letting you know that RIGHT NOW, I am in a wonderfully peaceful place and I am very excited for this weekend...