Non-using Relapse Mode

Wow, it's been awhile. The network producers cut the blog down from a daily sitcom to a weekly event. Trust me, I've been feeling like there's something missing in my life. I've been slacking in nearly all aspects of me staying sober. Until today, I hadn't read my daily reading since Monday. I haven't been doing simple chores that I should be doing. Clearly, I haven't been releasing what's inside on this blog. As a result, feelings of wanting to use have crept up, loneliness and the want of female companionship is at a highest, and I've be falling in my spirituality; judging, reacting, and not accepting. I feel that I have been on relapse mode without the using.

Last week, I failed to include some of the goings ons on Friday. I went bowling with my cousin and his lovely girlfriend...whom I'm very fond of. If there is any points for cousin acceptance, she gets them. After bowling, there was talk of going to a bar. I used to hit this bar up EVERY Wednesday for cheap drinks. 99% of the goings ons I cannot recall on account of being over-self-served and then over-served. When it was first mentioned, I said no. Then the song Tik Tok came on in the bowling alley and I got excited...shut up! i love the song...and decided to go. Entering into the bar, I immediately felt out of place and old as shit. I ordered an energy drink because I was tired...another reason I had no business in this place. I didn't see the bartender pour it and it looked like there was booze in it. I ask my friend to test it for me, which he did, and he asked the bartender if there was any booze in it. Nope. Let's see, sober 31 year old surrounded by drunken 19/20 year olds...TERRIBLE. Why did I go? At first, I thought it was because I got excited to dance, but I realized that I really didn't have any motivation to do such a thing. While reflecting and taking a deep honest look on the inside for my motivations I came to my real reasons...women and pats on the back. What a reason to place myself in a situation that would could very well unravel everything that I have worked so hard for. My cousin's girlfriend showed much concern and kept asking me how I was doing. That I found very caring and considerate. After 20 minutes, I decided to leave. I didn't know anyone, I didn't want to dance, and I was bored, and I was getting increasingly irritated with the whole scene. I came to the conclusion that that life was truly not for me. That conclusion came on the Friday and Saturday, but I look at it even more honestly at my meeting on the Monday. If I knew people and were getting the pats on the back, if I had some attention from the females would've I really have left after 20 minutes? These are the tough questions that need to be answered, or at least honestly considered. The truth is that I probably would've just basked in the attention and LOVED IT. My conclusion that that scene is not for me wouldn't exists. My intentions to continue to go to clubs/bars would be intact. My self-immersed temptations would be strong. And my inevitable fall would be present. There's an old saying: If you sit in a barber's chair long enough, you will eventually get a haircut. I have my head shaved so I don't need to go and waste my time, my money, and my self getting that "haircut".

As mentioned above, I've been slacking and I've been in relapse mode. I've been allowing my self-will take over. Monday, I felt great about being 5 months sober. This is what's getting to me, I thought things were supposed to get easier. Self-will has crept in and I've been under a constant urge for the past 2 weeks to smoke the weed. I feel that I never really had a problem with it so why not. I'll tell you why. I CAN'T. If I can't be content in a clear and sober mind, then I'm defeating the whole purpose of not needing booze and the others to feel complete and of value.

Speaking of feeling of value, I was also sharing that it was my lack of self-value that was a contributor of drinking. Everyone nows that I was a talker, a joker, a non-filtered and sometimes biligerent drunk. You catch me while sober, not so. While drunk, I was on the phone calling everyone; regular drunken-social-butterfly. While sober, my phone wasn't being answered and I was in hiding. I was talking to an old friend and I made a joke about where he's been. He replied what are you talking about? You're the one that has been in hiding. So very true. I was in hiding. I was hiding myself. My aunt sent me a message that I was in hiding, I was sometime MIA, but that she's happy to have the old TJ back. That it's been years. You see, although I was out and about, talkative, and emotional while drunk that wasn't the real me. Sure the booze gave me the courage to cry or show how I was really feeling. Without the booze, I didn't feel that my feelings or thoughts were of value. I kept them in. I hid myself. As I feel better about myself, as I feel of more value, I don't need to hide what's inside anymore. More and more, I am becoming more talkative while SOBER. I'm becoming a more geniune me. I'm becoming TJ again. My mom sent me a Christmas letter that said that "The old, young TJ, that everyone found irresistable, is waiting to come out and play again...just without the maturity." By far the most touching and inspiring words anyone could offer me in my time of necessary support. I smiled then immediately began to cry. The point is that I do feel of better value to people and I do want to come out and play again. Don't get it wrong here: I'm still pretty immature. You should see me in my hyper-activity mode...OH BOOOY!!! I'm not going to discount my progress though. I do feel that I have been growing up...FINALLY! The first 30 years of my childhood was a rough go. My focus is not on the next party or next whatever. It's on what the next right thing to do is. You know what, the next right thing to do is to remain focused on staying sober, do the responsible thing, and proceed with progress. At that, I'm going to end this and say Happy Mother's Day. Although she doesn't have a computer, I'd like to say, "Happy Birthday, Nanny. I love you!"