A Return a Year Later

Well, I'm back in Windsor a year hence. I haven't returned to the place where it all began since March. Now the meetings that I go to where I live keep me sober as proven in where I am today, but "home" offers something so much more. As soon as I walked into the building, I was overcome by a rush of love, peace, and safety. Immediately, I saw old friends that welcomed me with smiles and hugs. Yes, gentlemen smiling and hugging. I've said it before that people just want to be loved. This weekend has reinforced that that's what this place does. It teaches us to love one another. That is exactly how I felt during this visit; loved. Through this experience, my appreciation and love has been renewed for those that are in my life all the time. I feel that I, perhaps, have been becoming complacent with those nearest to me. All weekend, I've been thinking of them with love and gratitude. I am a very blessed individual.
I was asked to share in front of the program and alumni. Nervous? Yes. The beautiful thing now is that I've been given the strength to work through nervousness, anxiety and fear. I had an opportunity to talk deeply with old friends, new gentlemen/new friends. It's amazing that although I was gone for such a long time that this program allows one to fall right back into step. I walked into that place last December emotional. I walked into that building embarrassed and anger about me being so emotional. Others walk in unable or unwilling feel. When I graduated, I was balling, but I was proud of me being that emotional. As I watched the graduates today, I began to tear up with a smile on my face. I teared up because I was feeling what they were feeling. I knew exactly what they were feeling. I was smiling, as I do every time I see another alcoholic show what's going on inside, because I was witnessing the program that works. Going from insecurity to strength in one's self is a seemingly impossible task. It's not. This place has been proving that wrong for almost a half a century.
We have been holding things in, ignoring our feelings, allowing our pride/fears to reach unmanageable levels to the point where we have turn to self-medication to falsely deal with everything. We find this place "where people need people." We begin to think and rely on others instead of ourselves. We begin to share and listen learning that we are not alone. We begin to learn that in weakness comes strength. We finally begin to learn to live. We finally began to recover.

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Hi Friends,

It's been a long, long time. I've been doing well since my last post. Ups, downs, and everything in between. Progression and learning have been main points of my life. The year is almost here. 2 or 3 weeks away and I believe I have come to learn my greatest lesson.

At the beginning of my work season, I shared my struggles with accepting other people. Accepting their imperfections was a great challenge for me. I talked behind people's backs, resented them, envied them...everything negative I managed to focus on. Life's a gift. Life is full of the unknown. We don't know when our last day is, we don't know when we'll get terrible news about our health. We may think that we dislike someone; dislike them over remarkably petty reasons. Personally, I sometimes have trouble realizing what's really important. I've written the differences, but in daily life, I lose sight and focus on what matters; until I reflect. After receiving some news about someone, I have had an indispensable opportunity to bring things back into focus. After receiving this news, I am flushed with some guilt, sadness and empathy. Guilt for not appreciating someone for who they are, for them being one of God's children, for the good that is in them. Sadness and empathy for this person's loved ones, for his new wife, for him who has to deal with his new knowledge of the truth.

Life's too precious to take for granted and to not appreciate. If we have become complacent with letting those whom we love know how we feel, change it. If we are treating others as less thens or with judgement, change it. If we are not being the loving human beings that we were meant to be, CHANGE IT!

I read somewhere something along these lines: "God waits until one's end of days to pass judgement, what gives me the right to do so before that?"

A taste of the sweet....

So last night, I was laying there, watching tv, and texting to some people...weird, me text? All of a sudden, I realized that I had a goofy little grin on my face. I wasn't watching anything amusing so there was absolutely no reason for me to be grinning. The only other time that I've had goofy grins are when I was thinking of a special person, or if well, I'm not going to get into that...there's young eyes reading this...lol! I came to realize that I was in a state of contentment, a state of happiness. I came to realize that last night I was feeling the best I have in about 2 months. I was rocking goofy grins back then, too. They weren't about what I was experiencing last night and actually, tonight. Last night, I caught a glimpse at what I've written about what I am trying to acheive...happiness and inner peace. Tonight, I feel even better. As I type this and as I've had since about 8 o'clock, I continue to sport this grin. Over the past hour, I've shared with others about my current experiences, I've listened, and I've smiled, giggled, and laughed to the point of tears. I really don't need to write anymore. There was an issue today at work regarding someone else ignorance, but it doesn't even matter. That's their problem not mine. What matters is me feeling through these positive emotions and appreciating them. I know there will be plenty more in the future. Maybe the greatest part of this is that when I do experience these moments, I will remember them because I am sober. I will remember them because this is what I am striving for. Although I may, no will, go through tough times, I will continue to truly experience them in a sober way so that I know the sweet from the bitter. I love accomplishing things and me reaching this level of peace and happiness is truly an accomplishment.

Omit Ego and Pride...Substitute with Humility and Acceptance

Another month has come into my sobriety. 9 months...3/4 of a year! Yes, I am good at math. I am feeling excellent. Earlier this week, not too excellent. I was doing a lot of dwelling, fighting to battle self-pity, second-guessing myself, and allowing my mind to be somewhere else and not on myself. Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be concentrating on me. If I don't make me number 1, I will never be able to be as best as I can be for everyone else. As you know, I do a lot of reflection throughout the day and during this past week, I have become stronger through more self-discovery. This neither is new to me nor is it to a certain few, but I really dislike not getting my own way. I dislike losing. I dislike being told things about myself that are negative. Initially, I do not take to these things to well. How would my emotional process be? Let see...frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and acceptance. What happens when acceptance occurs? A chance for learning which, in turn, leads to strengthening and growth. Flat out, I still am trying to figure out the not getting my own way issue...that shit is entrenched in me and will take some time to alleviate myself of it. When it comes to losing it's a matter of my pride and ego being bruised. It will always happen, those things being bruised, it just how I deal with it that'll make the difference. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't always have to happen. If I continue to humble myself, expect less of myself and others, and accept things for what they are, I can lessen the bruising. Yes, I hate losing in sports, but this is not what this is about. This is deeper, but in line with a competitive game. If I am trying to sell myself, my point, my wants, etc and it the outcome turn out the way I want...hmmm weird, I sense a tie in with something previously said, I feel that I have lost. So me not liking losing parallels me not getting my own way...may seem obvious, but I took me this writing to piece that together. Also, it is about setting my expectation to a certain level or outcome while not allowing the possibility of anything less or different that contributes me not accepting what happens. This then causes me to feel all the negative emotions that I prefer not to experience. These negative emotions are inevitable, but if I can lessen the experience through more acceptance and less expectation, why not?
As for being told things about myself that are negative. Hate it! Again, it's about my pride and ego. How dare someone say something about me, to me, with maybe the intentions to give me an opportunity to improve on myself. Really, I love my reflection. I welcome the self-discovery. Notice, the MY reflection and the SELF-discovery. I like the feeling of doing things myself; that feeling of accomplishment. Come on though, I am pretty bias to myself. After all, I have the ego and pride. Yes, I am as honest to myself as I have ever been in my life, but wouldn't someone else's caring opinion hold some truth? After all, if it wasn't for the people in my life that I pushed away, hurt with my self-destruction, that love me, if it wasn't for their consistent reminder of what was really going on with me, who would I still be? Where would I be? I wouldn't be me...I denied their observations, their feelings for so long and it only caused pain, shame, and blame. What happened when I decided to take into consideration what these people, you people, my family and friends, what you had to say? I saw it. I accepted it. I was able to see that I needed help. I got help. I have you all back in my life...the way you are supposed to be in my life...and I you. I took so long because I didn't like what you were saying about me. I didn't believe it. I thought how dare you. I came up with excuses. Why? Refer to the part where I said that I'm pretty bias of myself. Now, I still fight and dislike it, initial, but after, I am seeing this tidbits of infomation as truths that I don't want to see right away. That's what they are; they are truths. The people that I have in my life aren't going to say anything to me to hurt me. If it's negative, it's because I need to see something that I may be blind to. It love that they are offering me. Love to a better me. Let's boil it down to this: I need to work very hard at replacing my ego and pride, little by little, with humility and acceptance. By doing this, my dislikes will lessen and my joy and contentment will increase. An increase in joy and contentment will bring me closer to me being the best that I can be for everyone of you.

What's Positive?

Well hello...

So there's a lot that's in this brain of mine. Somethings I want to share, others I do not. I've had a rough few days, but with every day passing, they become less and less rough. I feel that I can't or don't really want to talk to anybody about this shit that's going on. For one, I have been truly humbled to certain suggestions or advise that has been given to me. The humbling part is that I didn't listen and now I feel that I am going through unnecessary pain. Pain that complicates my process of achieve my inner-peace and happiness. I talked to people before about this shit and I went against others' opinions and tried to follow my heart even though my gut was warning me. It seems that when I do talk I get the same story...an appreciated story that is meant to make me feel better, but it's not really what I want to hear. I want to hear that everything is going to be alright and work themselves out...the way I want them to. I've got to realize though that everything will be alright and will work themselves out...just not the way I want them to right now. I now these clouds will pass and I'll understand what's in store for me in the future...when the future becomes the present. For now though, I fall back into dwelling on things that were said, wonders of things out of my control. Both of which, get me toward an very unhappy state. What do I have to be happy about is the real question? There is only one thing that is upsetting me today. There's only one TEMPORARILY bad thing in my life. That one TEMPORARILY bad thing is surrounded by an endless supply of PERMANENT good things. Permanent as long as I continue doing what I'm doing...and continue I shall. You know, it's amazing just how much my feelings are shown on the outside. I don't need to talk about things that are bothering me in order for people to know that there is something wrong. What's even more amazing is how much my demeanor can affect other people. If I'm feeling great, that greatness is sensed and shared with others. If I'm miserable, that misery, unfortunately, is passed on to others. I really never realized that until a friend let me know yesterday. Thank you to you. What else? Well, my Dad could tell that I was upset. He knew why. He tried to open the door a few times, but I didn't open up. Yesterday, he directly said to me that I was there for me to listen...that made my day brighter. Knowing he's there, gives me that little extra support when needed. Again yesterday, I came to another positive realization. I've made a friend. This person and I have been going through the same thing. Originally, this person came to me for sober advise because she respects me...WOW! ME! SOBER-ADVICE! RESPECT! 9 months ago that would have never happened (as I smile as I type that). Well, it's funny that I was giving her advise, but when it was time for me to take my own...BAHAHAHA...NO DICE!!! You know what? With her help and reminders to take what I've given...I have been and it has made things a touch better. Everybody knows I like friends...and I've got a new one. That also makes me happy.
It's crazy, I've written that when I'm left to my own mind that I can drive myself into a dark state. There is the other side of that as well. When I'm getting really sad, I begin thinking about writing and everything that I want to put into these entries. I've done it all day long every single one of these past few days of roughness. Every time, I begin feeling better, but when it's time to write...I forget the majority of what I want to share...LOL!!! That means laugh out loud even though I wasn't really doing that...still funny as shit though...(that just made me giggle). Anywho, there is a lot in me still, but I have to go to a much needed meeting since I haven't been since two Thursdays ago. All of you know that between writing this out and going to this meeting tonight that I'll be feeling like a million...no...billion bucks afterward. Look, I can see the sun peeking through already...

Stronger and More Appreciative

The clouds of the past few weeks have cleared and my eyes and mind remained clear. I want to share while things are going well rather than just when I am upset. Everything is back on track. Everything is where it's supposed to be. For the first time in my life, I faced emotional hardships head-on. I dealt with, felt through the pains. People have been there to support me and I have the ability to appreciate and accept that support. I have been telling people that I've been dealing with everything the way I have been supposed to be...the mature, sober way. In doing so, I have grown stronger and stronger. The old saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Again, there's new meanings to old sayings that I never took to the time to realize. Through these tough times, I've learned that life and time is precious, love is powerful, and support is indispensable. Also, I learned that left on it's own without being in the moment with others, my mind can and will think of the most negative things possible, re-live the past, and dwell on pain. People need people...very true for me. I never realized just how much I forgot that I love to love, love to be loved, love to be a friend, and love to have friends. I went from always being with friends, to only calling when I was drunk...I always felt that I couldn't find things to talk about while sober, but when I was drunk, I could talk about anything...the only problem was that usually "anything" was a lot of anything stupid!!! I have returned to always being with friends. Not face-to-face, but through other modes of contact. You know, with the shit I've done I could spend the rest of my days apologizing. I am not going to though because simply through what I am doing and returning to my old self, I don't need to. People love the new, old me. I love the new, old me. My lifestyle change is in itself an apology and a showing that I didn't like who I had become. I love who I am becoming...a modest, humble greatness is what I will become (yes, I do sense the contradicting tone of what I just said). My aim is to be great in my own rights with everyone that is and will be in my life. I aim to make a change for the positive with anyone I come into contact with. Tough? Sure, but I will give it an honest try. I have to...it's the least I can do to give back. Without family and friends being there to be worried about me, angry with me, I probably would have never seen what was becoming of me. Without those same family and friends expressing their support and pride in me, I would be feeling and seeing that immediate changes for the better in me. This is where the modesty and humility comes into play. Without others, there would not be a chance for me to change for the better. I am not doing this by myself. I am doing this with your help. I am doing this for you. More importantly, I am doing this for me. Most importantly, I am doing this for us!

Thinking, thinking, thinking...terrible, terrible, terrible

Well this day has been mother of all struggles of a day. I wish I could really articulate what the shit I was feeling today. Off the charts! I sometimes feel like the biggest hipocrite on the planet. I share my feelings, know how to deal with situations, but when I comes time to deal and feel, I almost complete fall apart. As you know, I am not a praying man, but I actually asked for strength today. Do you know how hard it is to hold in emotions at work...on a contruction site...surrounded by dudes...OH SHIIT!!! There was awhile were I had my 7 month chip in my mouth and remembering where I came from. I understand where I was back then even clearer now. The anxiety that I was fill with was atrocious! I took some time to calm down, really reflect and figure out what the root of this internal chaos was all about. Sure my emotional plate is full. It's okay to be in a little rough shape, but JEEZ get a grip.
Life tosses us plenty of curve-balls. With me, being all sober and whatnot, I really try to grab this life of love by the horns. I've always done things to the extreme. Even now, I am up to my same extreme antics, but in the opposite direction. When things are going well, I dive straight into it with any caution. Funny, my Pops, told me to proceed with things with an optomistic cautioun. How about that? I didn't listen and rode the wave...lesson learned. I was told by a man to do everything opposite of what I would do before. I definitely try my hardest to do that...again, sometimes to the extreme. Where's the balance? I am doing it right now though. Instead of suffering with my own thoughts, I share it and get it out. It's freeing. Today, I did something completely opposite of what I have done in the past. It was the hardest things that I have ever done...you have no idea! In the past, I would fight and claw until I got what I wanted...by any means necessary. Today, I had to let go and not try to fight what's going on here. Letting go...that's what really dealing with my past is all about...especially if it negative. It doesn't matter what was said or done 10, 5, 1 day ago...its doesn't matter what was said 20 minutes ago. It's been said or done. Yesterdays reality isn't necessary today's reality. I need to accept that, but it's far easier said that done....
...you know what? It's change of tone time. I just came back from meeting with someone. I also came back from my Wednesday group. I shared, I listened, I feel great now. I heard from someone while on my program in Windsor say that if I could just cut all your heads off, I could cure you all. I never understood it. I never understood it until tonight. I realized my self-propelled terrible day was a result of far too much thinking. Thinking of the past. Thinking of expectations. Thinking of things that are out of my control. Thinking, thinking, thinking. It took me to be around someone else chatting about what's bothering me, chatting about this, that, and the other thing to get me out of that terrible thinking to begin to feel better. My mind, left to run wild, will make me go crazy...as it did today. I understand what the gentleman meant now. Easy up on the thinking that are negative, out of my control, and not necessarily true. Half-way through that group, I was smiling and feeling like my normal self. It's true...everything passed...moods, pain, negativity only to be replaced with a calmness, a peace, a contentment. It's not going to last forever, but I will appreciate and enjoy it while I have it.
Enjoy your night, day, evening...whatever it is when you're reading this.
Your friend,
Trev...Trevor for long :)

Double Whammy Challenge - I'm Ready

It's the last day of my 7th months of sobriety. Tomorrow is the beginning of my 8th. In the past 8 months, I've had my ups and downs. Most of it has been great. I've dealt with anger, sadness, and self-pity. There has been plenty of death around me...more than I would've liked. Someone I love is in very bad shape. I did follow through in my commitment to face, feel, and love yesterday. It was one of the tougher situations I've ever been in. For the first time, my brothers all embraced. We embraced around their father. We shed some tears. We laughed. We appreciated. We reflected. We felt. We were in unity. Love was in the air. Following returning home I sent them a text about how great it was to see them regardless of the circumstances, how special it was to see them as the fine young men that they have grown into. I let them know that their dad couldn't have done a better job. In my heart the world is a better place because they are in it. The world is a better place because Denis raised them the way he did. Right now, I would like to say, "Great job Denis!!" My one brother replied to my text letting me know how proud Denis was of me for doing what I have been doing. He always knew how great of a guy I was despite my problems. If there's anything to take away from this is that one, smoking isn't a good thing. Two, before his coma he was proud of me and I'm going keep this going. They say that we're only one drink away from being back where we were. I know that. They say that nobody is safe. I accept that, but I REFUSE to place others' love and pride for and in me in vain. My heart is too loving now to allow hurt to be placed on anyone else for my actions. I know what pain is like and nobody deserves it. Even in this time where I have another issue affecting me. I won't get into to it, but whenever I was in situations where my heart has been broken, I would place myself into such a deep intoxicated that I would be incoherent, belligerent, and a complete and utter disaster. I would do this to mask the pain that I couldn't handle. The pain of things that I did; my drinking being more important than others, or my cheating to boost my ego. The funny thing is that I would end up being even more upset later that night, ashamed and depressed the day after...not to mention hungover as all hell. Not this time. For once, my drinking or being disloyal hasn't got me into this situation. I can handle this one because my hearts been proper. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Where it counts, on the inside, I did everything that I was supposed to do because I followed my heart and listened. I placed others ahead of me...FIRST TIME EVER!!! This morning I made a commitment and asked today to basically accept things I cannot change and change what I can...ME, MY ATTITUDE, ANYTHING THAT I HAVE REAL CONTROL OF. The old saying be careful what you wish for...ya, very true. I've been told that whatever I struggle with ask for help in dealing with it. When I ask, I will be put to the test. I will be challenged. I have been put to the test. I have been challenged. A man once told me that if I want something, three things will happen. It seems obvious, but I need to focus on it for my betterment. I'll get it right away because I'm ready for it. I won't get it right away, but I'll get it later because I'm not ready for it, but at a later time I will be ready. Or, I'll won't get ever because there's something better for me out there. With that in my head, it does help my situation, but it doesn't take away the face that I'm hurt. With being hurt, I am going to go an array of emotions. What am I feeling? I'm feeling sadness, loss, anger, rejection (one of my biggest fears), confusion, betrayal, and so on. That's the toughest part. These emotions are helpful, useful, and necessary. It's what I do with these emotions. I am going to remain positive. I will accept the situation. I will not resent even though every bit of my alcoholic-self wants to. I was always embarrassed or self-disapproving of my situation (that I got myself into) live with parents, no license, etc. Again, this is all on me. I was always hesitant to approach people because of fears of not being accepted for my current, temporary situation. I put down those fears in hopes that me, my heart, my personality would trump those meaningless things. The same fault I work on everyday, runs rampant in virtually everyone else; judgement. Someone thing that I have struggled with my whole life, approval of others, is not only in me. It's everywhere. I am not alone. What I am learning here is that I and everyone else, at our root, have the same issues, same insecurities, same fears, same emotions. Where we all are on dealing with them are different. I must and will accept that. I will continue to work on my issues, day-in and day-out. I am still sober. This double whammy of shittiness is not knocking me down. I am going to continue to look up to where I am going. I will not stop moving forward for anyone, anything unless it's to do the right thing and help. I WILL BE THERE FOR THE PEOPLE I LOVE, ALWAYS. I will continue to love this guy, me. Not today, but maybe one day is something I will be open to. I will show caution when necessary. I will follow my heart. I will do as I say, as I promise. I will be true to others, but more importantly, I will be true to myself. If I don't know who I am or what I want, I can't possibly be true to anyone else. My heart's in the right place right now. 8 months tomorrow...7 months ending today. I guarantee that 8 months will come tomorrow because I am now up for any challenge or test...even if they come in pairs. I am now ready for my next step to the top. I am focused like a laser.

Face, feel, and love

I'm back and yes, still very sober. I definitely need to share what's going on inside. I previously mentioned that during my life, I've been lucky enough to have six close parental figures. Two Thursdays ago, one of them suffered a heart attack. Upon first hearing of this, I feel that I handled it well...as well as I could. When reaching a certain description of his state, I got up, said I didn't want to hear about it, and went outside. Although there was a reality to it happening, it took the imagery to make it all that more real. With a realization to reality, I begin to feel and it's tough sometimes. The true feelings ddin't come to surgace until I made the decision, last Wednesday, to go to the hospital today. When this decision was made, feeling of guilt and fear came rushing in. It wasn't until I was sharing those feelings that they manifested themselves into tears. I knew that the tears were needed. I knew the tears meant that I cared for someone else. Most importantly, I knew that the tears were also associated with those negative feelings of guilt and fear. Guilt of past things done that I CANNOT change. Fear of feelings of powerlessness; over his well-being. I am going to lay it out as clearly as possible. I am afraid of seeing him in his state, in the hospital bed and me not being able to do anything about it. I am afraid of seeing his boys in pain and not being able to do anything about it.
There is something I can do about the boys' pain. I can do the right thing. I can be there for the boys. Them knowing that their big bro, Trevor, is there when they need him, will make them feel better; that's what I CAN do. When their dad wakes up and learns that I was there it's just one more person to add to the already huge list of all the people that care for him. We all need to know that we are loved. From a personal and emotional standpoint, it's all that we really need. With the excess material things that run our lives, we lose focus on that true priority of love and being loved. There will be always someone with something newer, bigger, and better. The grass will always look greener on the other side if we concentrate on what's not important, what we don't have, who we don't have, and what other's has or has to offer. The grass is always green on our own side if we focus on what we do have...what have that matters...people that love us and people we love. Don't get me wrong, I will attain all the material things that I want, but I won't do it alone. It will be after and as a result of acheive loving relationships in my daily life, appreciating what matters in life, and giving more than I receive. It'll be a result of me appreciating those who love me and me showing my love to those whom I love. When it's all said and done, I'm not taking anything or anyone with me. All I'll have is my calm, inner peace. What I'll leave is the memories and love of a good man.
So what do I need to do? I need to set aside my natural selfishness to avoid the feeling of fear. I need to remember that any guilty is associated with the past and there is NOTHING I can do about it. I need to do the right thing NOW and be there for my brothers whom I love. I need to remember it's not always about me and my comfort. Soberly speaking, I need to realize that the old me wouldn't have and didn't think of others in this situation. All I did was drink, numb, and avoid. Now, it's face, feel and love.

The pain of another's fall

This is going to be right along the lines of my previous entry; priorities. For the first time in a long time, I have become open to other people and have become very close to many people. I've come to love other recovering gentlemen that have been placed in my life. After all, we were forced to talk, interact, and socialize in a sober manner. In doing so, we shared, understood, related, and accepted each other. Never, on that intimate level, have I, nor many of the other men, contributed to a bond-making experience. I was able to enjoy a closeness and friendship with these gentlemen. This has led to a genuine concern for those you have fallen off. This concern has led to me being angry and hurt.
Imagine this pain that I feel for some guys that I've know for a short time. Imagine what the pain and worry that people that have known and loved me my whole life had to deal with. So this pain that I feel, I can multiply it and still never really understand the amount of shit that I put those people who love me through. I don't dwell on that shame, no I do not, I just keep it close to me as a reminder of my former selfish ways. When I heard about what the terrible weakness can do to families, it makes me ill to my stomach; angry/hurt wives, mother-in-laws, devestated children, brothers, sisters, parents...WOW! THE DAMAGE DONE! All the while, those of us that are still suffering are just adding onto the laundry list of shameful inventories; making it harder to deal with in the future. I plan on avoiding that. It took me a long time to purge myself of those feelings. I don't need anymore. If I was literally blind and a new medical advancement came along and I was able to restore my vision, why would I purposely force blindness upon myself again? I wouldn't. It doesn't make sense. That's the problem with this ailment. It doesn't make sense; none of it.
The cunning, baffling nature of this stuggle forces me to have to respect the shit out of it. When I am hurt by my brothers falling, I am reminded that I must be afraid of my complacency. I must continue to maintain my priority number one. I refuse to put my loved ones through the hell that I once pulled them through and ultimately held them hostage in; not again. If I do it again, it'll be worse than the last time. No, no, no, this new life, these new relationships, these renewed relationship, this new-found freedom, optimism, happiness are all to special for me to lose respect for what inside. The devil inside that lurking, waiting, and looking for that loss of respect. I tell him to piss off...I've ended that dance.

Priority #1 - My worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk.

This should have been address many moons ago. How my priorities will dictate my happiness and peace. Whatever I want, better yet, need in life will never come to fruition unless I take care of me first. Without me being at peace with myself, I cannot have peaceful life. Without loving myself, I can love no one else. Without inner-peace or inner-love, I WILL NEVER have the true sobriety. Sure, there's a possibility of me not drinking or drugging, but what's the point if I'm feeling the same way as I was while practicing. There's a term for that...it's called being a dry alcoholic. When the novelty of being a new man wears off, one is left with that cold realization that without working on what's needed, life cannot be enjoyed or appreciated the way it is supposed to be. There are still challenges. There are still rough times. Accepting and dealing with these things makes the difference in peace and happiness.
What do I want in life? Sure, I want the materials things, the status things still. What's wrong with having what you want? Nothing as long as it's acquired through doing what's right. What's right for me, again, is to be at peace with myself. That way, I will be able to enjoy everything I want. What else do I want? A family is something that for many years I was pretty cynical about. If I still drinking and drugging, had a family, would I still have a family? Probably not. I would be inconsiderate, disloyal, dishonest and would not be a contributor to any relationship. In fact, I was never a contributor. Well, yes I was, I was a contributor of heartbreak, anger, and disgust. What about my want for career success? I mean king of industry kind of success? Well, before I was the king of losing employment...and that's it. I missed work. I was always late. When I did go to work, I was always over-tired and reaked of booze. My potential was stiffled everytime. I always told my mom that these jobs didn't count and when my career started that I would make the necessary adjustments. What happen though? I never allowed myself to make it to that level....career level. I was getting fired. I was lost. So with a loving sobriety, I can apply myself to my maximum potential. I am able to interact with people in a tactful manner. I will be able to become a king of industry. My wants are all fine and dandy, but the real question is what I need.

What do I need? I need to make my recovery my very first priority. Without it, nothing above will be attained and appreciated appropriately. With my true sobriety, everything that I desire will fall into place when the time is right. I am learning who I am, how to deal with tough situations, and how to manage my emotions. I am learning of my potential. Life is a tricky things, but I feel that it boils down to balance. Yes, I need my recovery to come first, but I also need to balance it out with the other facets that make up my daily life. Sure there is going to be some stumbles along the way, but I have the tools to get back up. I have a fellowship of love, family and friends that love me, and a growing understanding of myself. So let's break it down. Without recovery, I will never maintain an beneficial relationship or family. Without recovery, I will never achieve success in any form of career. Without recovery, I will never acquire the unimportant, but very fun, toys of life. Without recovery, I will never be truly happy with, at peace with, or love myself. I heard, and definitely am never letting go of, "my worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk." Wow, I don't know about you, but those are some serious words right there...so, so true!

Father/Son - One-winged Angels

First things first, this has been by far the best Father's Day that I've spent with my Dad. We were supposed to go golfing, but didn't. What we did was so much more meaningful to me. We sat out on the deck and simply talked. That's it. I learned the story of the precursor of Trev Tynes. It others words how he and my Mother met. I've always known a fairly short version, but this one was a little more in-depth. Whether or not he wants to admit it, I know where I get my soft heart and my ability to care easily. We went over an idea I have for a product in our, yes OUR, field of work. Seeking approval, it's something that I'm sure I've struggled with. My past wouldn't really allow for much approval. My present does though. Going through this idea, brainstorming together, and setting out the next steps was probably the funnest group of activities that I have ever had. To me, they were much like the time when he taught me how to play baseball and football. I know how to play those sports now...very well I might (modest, eh). With the help of Pops, this idea very well may turn into something, but if it doesn't, the time spent is what I'll remember when I'm 90. I'll remember that for as long as I will remember learning the sports. I remember those special things in childhood, and now in adulthood until I can't remember to remember.

There something else I want to touch on tonight. Many people may not and will not be able to understand this, but people like myself need other struggling or recovering people in their lives. An individual once told me that an alcoholic is like a one-winged angle. If he doesn't have another alcoholic, he will just fly in circles and eventually hit bottom. He needs the other alcoholic to fly straight, to fly high. Funny thing, I was having trouble with people seeing signs of something greater and I was confiding in this person with this. He told me that story and not a second later that he finished, another fellow (named Trevor, too) came up to us and offered me a feather....I KNOW!!! CREEPY!!! It was so creepy that I was basically forced to be more open-minded to things that I sealed away from my rational thought. I'm bringing this up because I had someone get in touch with me tonight and he confided in me. I was so honoured that he would text his "big brother" to let me know what's going on. I offered my thoughts to him to help him learn what he needed to learn. I believe in this kid. He is truly a good-hearted individual. He knows that he will never be alone in the journey. The same goes for me. If I'm having an issue with something, I have a seemingly neverending list of people to call. These guys will tell me what I don't want to hear, keep me accountable, and will care for me from here on out. Without them, I would not be where I'm at today. This is the beauty of this journey...it's people helping people...this is the way it's supposed to be. What I mean by supposed to be is that this is how EVERYONE should be. I am going to try and live by what I feel and say here. I am going to commit to being as helpful to others as I possibly can.

This has been a great few recent days. The week is ending the way it's supposed to be; happy and peaceful.

Thank you, my friends, for spending time to read these digitized feelings. I love you!

Motives

Well my friends, this guy is ready for another entry. I was relaxing and enjoying the morning...at 5 in the morning. I began to think about the last time, the first time I tried this and what were the difference from this time, which will be the last time (you see how I worded that...pretty clever).

Let's see, in 2004, I made a half-hearted attempt. I really wasn't wanting to get sober. I know now that I had another 5 years of destruction in me. That bottom wasn't quite there. I may have felt that way, but it wasn't. Then, I was removed from my Mimi's house. I had nowhere to go, so I was SENT to Brampton. After sweating the booze out, I was told that life's about choices. I had a choice of going to an outpatient program or not have the support that was being offered. Obviously, I was going to use my brain and avoid being homeless. I chose to go to this day program. Sure I learned about myself, the addictions, but I wasn't fully into it. My main focus was on an ex-girlfriend. I truly believe that was the biggest future downfall of my half-assed sobriety. Sure I was sober for 4 months, but I hadn't changed what was going on inside. When I fell off, I went out with a buddy, had some drinks (managed consumption), met some ladies, and had an overall good time. It didn't take long until my managed consumption was overwhelmed by my complacency and I was right back to where I was November 2004. Let summarize, I was basically forced into intake, I was mainly focused on someone else, and I never really addressed what was on the inside.

This time around, my motives were far different. Sure, I had a little "nudge" from my caring parents. I wasn't be threatened on being kicked out, but this was a major concern for them...STILL! Perhaps, my Mother's prayers led my hand to pick-up the intake phone. I don't know. I'm not fully in comprehension of praying yet. Regardless, I was sick of where my life had gone. I was sick of looking at friends, younger friends, having things that I always expected to have bigger and better...if that makes sense. I was sick of causing chaos with the only family that I have. The family that's loved me since 1979 (that's when I was born..lol) I could go on, but I won't. Okay, one more, the most important, I was sick of not being the person that I truly was, the person that I am making continuous strides towards now. What I'm trying to say is that my motives were for the right reason. I did this for me. Once I straighten my shit out, everything else soon fell into place. I'm that big brother, son, grand-son, friend that I am supposed to be. Why am I continuing with this success? It's the appreciation of who is in my life. It's doing what I need to do rather than what I want to do. It's maintaining my meetings. It's maintain commitment with my program brothers from Windsor. It's being responsible with sobriety.

This felt like something that I could never describe....wait, elation!

Just did a spell-check...first time no spelling errors...lol!

Look at me...getting all growns up!

This has been a big hiatus I must say. As of June 3rd, I was 6 months sober. Yes, that's a whole half of a year. There was a time in my life that I thought stopping partying was for quitters. Now, I feel that there is something to say about this continued sobriety. I posted my initial 3 day countdown and my 6 month status update and the comments and thumbs up were just great. This shows me, what I've known for sometime, that people really do like "Sober Trev" I heard that a lot initially, but not as much anymore. This is who I am now. I'm not "Sober Trev" anymore. This is me. The novelty wore off, it has been consumed with support, it has become me. To me, I'm just Trev.

Really though, I'm Trev that is becoming more and more responsible daily. Here are some updates in my continued growth. My very first passport is coming in the mail. Once that's in, I will have legitimate identification so I can confirm my id with Capitol One. That will lead to my credit card to be in transit. This will be my first one that I treat with respect, diligence, and responsibility. I transformed the seemingly shit fact of a couple of rain days into opportunities to be constructive and productive. I compiled a list of conscious debts and delinquent accounts. I made my attempts to contact them and set up payment plans. Any others that I missed, I will be able to find them with my credit report...that I'm going to finally be able to get with my credit card. From there, I can start calling the missed account. Finally, during one of the rain days, I set-up my RRSPs. It's funny, I was suppose to be a financial consultant, but I had mine in shambles. HAHA! That's strangely odd to me. Two years, is my new goal of home-ownership. It's will happen a lot sooner than I originally thought. Really, I didn't think it would happen ever and if it did, it'd be closer to me being 40. That was me worry about what my past has done to my future. What I am doing now is working in the now and doing what I have to do now to ensure that bright future. That bright future that I no longer dread, but am open to and excited about.

Sober Meds - sharing and listening

What happens when I don't take my sobriety meds? Sobriety meds are my meetings, entries, and interactions with other alcoholics. The answer is that I lose touch with what my main objective; serenity within myself. I lose focus on what really matters. I progressively become hazed in the fogginess of anger, resentments, and self-pity. I am supposed to be progress to perfection, but never to attaining it. When I fall off of my structure of sobriety, I being reverting back to my old ways. Yesterday was the first one I attend since last Thursday. As of yesterday, before the meeting, I had allowing anger and a slight resentment edge closer to hatred. Hatred....EWWW! GROSS!!! There were moments in the past two days that I had urges to drink. Yep, it's true. I was thinking to myself that all this effort was seeming to be too difficult and a pain in the ass. They say the program to staying sober is simply, but it's sure as hell not easy. These negative thoughts were all before my meeting yesterday, I must include. I got some shit off of my chest. I listened to others' experiences. I continued my search within to finally find where I was at fault. I made a conscious decision to change MY attitude and way of thinking. What was the result? A much more serene day. That's what I look for; serenity. As much as I sometime don't feel like doing what I'm suppose, no have, to do, I have to really keep in mind where my mind goes without what's necessary. Doing what I'm supposed to be doing...ummm, sounds a little grown-up to me! Am I really getting there? I think so!

Letting Go

There was one non-family member that had the unfortunate challenge of knowing the using me that I treated beyond poorly. Up until entering the program I was in, I had really no remorse to the things that I did to this poor person. She hoped and hoped...one more, and hoped that I would change my ways and just treat her the way that she deserved. It wasn't happening on my watch. I was enjoying my sickness. At same time, I was hating it. Really though, I was not willing to see this sickness or accept defeat. At risk of being judged my some, I'm going to briefly go over the hells that I dragged this person through. I am not too concerned about being judged because I've figured out that this method of honesty really shows me who healthy for me and who is not.

Before getting into it, I'm going to tell you how my cousin asked me why I'm not afraid of sharing me with the world. My response was born from what I learned in Windsor. In Windsor, we were forced to share things with the other alcoholics. We found that by doing so and seeiing that we were not judged by others, because they were no different, we can see that what we are so shameful of has the right to be forgiven. More importantly, if anyone did judge or talked about it, that was their problem and they weren't "there" yet. The good people in life won't judge on differences, but accept and cherish what we have in common. I am trying sooo hard not to judge and to find common grounds with people. It's tough as shit. I do catch myself all day, every day judging and picking apart personalities. By catching myself, it gives me an opportunity to take another look at myself and further refine my personal defects. It also, gives me an opportunity to put a stop to my corrosive judging. People define themselves by things that we have in common with one another. That's how civilization works. Why is it that although this is a natural tendency, there's such a paradoxical tendency to find the difference, as well? That's my question. Whatever, it's a question that I can define the answer to myself with the internal changes that I make. Finally, what the sharing with the other alcoholic did was help me accept that people are going to think what they want. Some will love me, some will hate me. Their thoughts are their's, not mine. I can't change what's theirs. I can only change what's in here...pointing to my heart.

Alright, now that I procrastinated to expose the terrible things that I've done, we can get back to it. Really, I'm not going to get into too much detail, but I still can sum it up and get the appropriate effect. This person asked me one request...to be faithful. I looked her in the eyes and promised that. That promise was not a promise. It was more of a way of getting the answer out that was necessary to get off the topic. It was on more than one occasion that, as my Nanny would say, I was running around. With that, naturally came the dishonesty. I would lie about things that wouldn't even be necessary. I would disappear for a couple of days at a time. Whether I was cheating or not, she was assuming that because I provided her the reason to believe it. I tried to set double standards. I could go out and find nothing wrong with it. If she wanted, I didn't like that too much. Jealousy...hmmm, jealousy and no trust. Why cause I saw that dishonesty in myself and projected it on her. Drunken messages...oh, the drunken messages. There were times that things got the extremes whether they were physical or verbal...ALL IN ALL THE LEVEL OF DISRESPECT WAS BEYOND WHAT SHE WAS READY FOR. All of of this affected her in a truly deep manner...even long after her and I. I never realized what kind of damage that I have done, but it's over. This is just a sharing and a releasing of what was in me. This person has begun the healing process now. In knowing this, I can begin the self-forgiveness, as well. I mustn't dwell on what happened in the past...just has I made a point of in my last entry. Today, today, today. I, now, know who I was in the past. I'm beginning to know today's me. I'm going to end this with letting you know that RIGHT NOW, I am in a wonderfully peaceful place and I am very excited for this weekend...

Today - the one day that counts.

Let me tell you something about resentments. They are the one thing that prevents relationships from continuing and blossoming. For me, they caused continuous negative feelings. Negative feeling that included fears of relationships, anger, bottled up emotions that could only be expressed while drunk. I've noticed that resentments also prevent people from being responsible through responding and only allow them to react. Until my resentment were diluted, I wasn't able to accept responsibility for my past actions, enjoy the full relationships that were meant to be, or simply be happy. There is something going on my life right now that is difficult to deal with. The person involved is someone I care for in the pure meaning of caring. I feel powerless over the situation. I feel that there are too many unknowns. If there are unknowns and powerlessness, I mind become to be in shambles. I wanted to share this Thursday, but I couldn't. I needed to compose myself and reflect to really be able to share the positives that are arising from this situation. Without getting into detail, which is tough, I have to be able to, at least, lay the groundwork. Someone I know is in trouble. I don't know the consequences of this trouble. Me not knowing is opening the door to a great deal of fear. Me not knowing also makes me feel powerless. This feeling of powerlessness makes me also feel angry. I like to be in control of things, but I'm not God. There is a plan in the stars and I have to let go and allow whatever is to happen happen...this is very difficult. I don't like things that are difficult. I like the easier route. If I wasn't good at something, I would say that I didn't like it and quit. Anything that I was a natural at, I loved it and continued on until others became just as good as me. At which point, I would come up with an excuse and quit. Baseball, basketball, football...I quit them all because I wasn't at the top. Most importantly, I wasn't, or at least I thought I wasn't, good at being sober. I was great at consuming booze and drugs...so I continued. I stopped because I wasn't any good at it anymore. I mean, I was still great at the act of consuming, but the resulting actions of mine weren't so great. In fact, I became terrible with how I acted and dealt with me. My life was completely unmanageable. I'm very slowly getting good at being sober. It's the first time I'm actually taking steps to improve my feelings of me, my ability to be social, and my ability to think of others first. Most importantly, I getting good to releasing my resentments. So we're back to the resentments. I didn't get a little off track there. For reasons unnecessary to disclose, this person that's in trouble, was the main focus my resentments. Through, accepting my sick behaviours, understanding that I'm not perfect, and accepting that others aren't perfect, I have been able to wash myself to this garbage. In doing so, I've come to realize that yes, I do feel powerless and scared, but why? It's because I care for this person. Would I feel these intense emotions to this degree if I was still holding on to these resentments? N.O.! Sure they would be there, but not to the extend that would bring me to tears when talking about it. This is the positive that I need to realized before I could share anything. Mind you, this does not take away from the fact that stress it still there. I have to help myself relieve myself of the stress. I have to accept that this is what is going on. I have to accept that I am not in control. At the top of the list of HAVE TOs would be to just live for today, appreciate the love in my life today, and embrace that I care today rather than worrying about things that I cannot control tommorow, or stressing over things that I cannot possibly predict tomorrow. Today not Tomorrow. Today not Yesterday.

Spoiled vs. Struggling

I was talking to someone the other day regarding my recovery. I mentioned my struggles and he replied along the lines of being spoiled not struggling. I became defensive right away and tried to discount what he said. As he proceeded to speak, preventing me to say mine, I was becoming more and more agitated. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because I know this guy (me) has been spoiled from day 1. I've always had an out. I've always had someone to fall back on. I've never walked through life without a lifeline. This is exactly the point he was trying to get across. This messed me up so much that it took me away from what I really meant by "struggles." It took me until later that night while reviewing/reflecting on my day to really see what was really going. The fact that I wasn't ready, at that point, to see the truth made for my pride to be hurt. Stupid pride! Pride along with a laundry list of these character deficiencies that I have work on and mitigate. To say the least, it's taxing and frustrating. It's funny, this is exactly what I meant by struggles. It's these struggles to be aware of, catch, and stop these slips in character. Sure, I am progressing successfully, but I'm the type of person that expects me to be great at everything. When I'm not in comes the frustration and anger. Really, the only thing keeping me sane is the support of loved ones (you), meetings, and writing the inside garbage out with this outlet. You see, what I just said about expecting myself to great...deficiency. In my program, someone said that we walk in thinking we have one or two problems, drugs and/or alcohol, then we leave with a list of 62,000. I laughed...it's funny cuz it's true. Is it every true. For the gentleman that brought up the point of being spoiled and begun the ball rolling to the point that I had to look at myself even deeper, he deserves my thanks. For myself, I have to continue to grow-up, stand on my own. In addition, I have to accept me and my deficiencies, learn to be patient with my progression, and continuously persevere. There isn't a magic pill. This is a lifelong journey. I am going to fall and scrap my knee, but I am going to get back up, dust myself off, and continue.

Old, but New Writing...and some New New

Hey hey! I'm at home right now with an ill stomach. This means that I've missed my first meeting while I was in the area. BOOOOO!!!! I didn't feel like typing tonight, but I think it would be a suitable substitute for my meeting. I feel like poop, that's with a capital SHIT! I'm still going to work today. I've been pondering on the goal of making this a perfect season: no sick, missed, late, or vacation days. Pretty lofty, but I think I can do it.

My cousin, whom I never met, came over this weekend. I tell ya, today, I went into work feeling absolutely fantastic. This was a superb weekend filling with laughter, tears, and good quality family time. My Nanny slept over Friday and Saturday. As you know, it was her birthday Saturday. Her and my Step-mom's reactions to their card where priceless. It feels good to make others feel good. It's far better than feeling shame of forgetting or not having the money to buy even a card simply because I've spent it on me; feels damn good.

Back to my cousin, this man is the definition of persistent and never say die. He has faced adversity, the unknown, rejection, and near loss of hope. I said near loss of hope, though. After rejection, he got back up and strove to find out what he wanted, no needed, to find out. It has been a journey for him that I can't really understand. This is what I have learned from him: 1) Failure is only when I give up. 2) I took for granted having and knowing my family 3) If I want something enough, I will acheive it (a little like #1), family is number 1 (re-inforcement) God, this weekend was something else. It also makes me realize that there's been something that I have been procrastinating about because I'm afraid...this is something that I need to do, or I will never be complete. I don't know how others involved feel about me sharing this so this is as far as I'm going to go. Whomever is reading this, please ask me if I've done my "commitment" here. I'm going to do it by Friday.

I still feel pretty ill here, but I'm glad I could share the awesomeness of this weekend. I've been feeling pretty bottled up while not making these entries, so expect a few more this week. Not tomorrow though because I'm having a sleep-over at my Nanny's again. Oh ya! Here's something that I wrote while I was fresh out of Windsor. My dad sent me an email today recommending that I make that part of my daily reading being that I will remind me of "whence" I came. I'm going to take his advice.

I was doing my daily reading from my Twenty-Four Hour a Day book and something special in me occurred. While readying yesterday and today’s messages (Honesty Note: I missed my reading yesterday) I came across a message that I related to myself a couple weeks ago while on Program. The message was regarding the Prodigal Son, whom, “took his journey into a far county and wasted our substance with riotous living.” Something came over me to look it up while at my friend’s place and I was taken back by the similarities of myself and that story. Now keep in mind, that I’m not all too religious, but I am alcoholic. To me, this is powerful because I'm not too religious, but I can look past my resistances and accept the similarities and my spirituality. When I shared this with my group, I related this me having a job with my Dad, but wasting the opportunity through selfishness, irresponsibility, self-deservingness and overall lack of appreciation. My natural negative assumption was that the opportunity was wasted and a great deal of shame and guilty were attached to my riotous living. There is another part of the message the is read, “When he came to himself, he said: ‘I will arise and go to my father.‘” Through letting go of my need for self-medication of substances and relying again on other human beings, I’ve been able to come back to the new opportunity with my father’s open arms of forgiveness. We are able to the share the mutual opportunities together due to my new found willingness, my new found openness to those that love and care for me. The message today briefly tells the end of the story where the father of Prodigal Son says, “He was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found.” I inadvertently made that relation to myself in my graduation speech. What I was getting at was that I was lost to my family: my parents, my siblings, my grand mothers, aunts/uncles, cousins and friends. I was lost to myself. As the light slowly came upon me and the negativity was slowly released, I was able to begin finding myself. In doing so, I wasn’t lost anymore to those that tried and tried to love me, but I wouldn’t accept it. Upon being found, and my continuous search into myself, and my continuous acceptance of myself, I am able to be the loving son, brother, grand-son, nephew and friend, those whom needed and wanted to be special in my life. Everyone in my life is special and deserves me to love them. Everyone in my life is important and deserves to be allowed to love me. So, I’ve lived one life and I’m beginning a new one. I dragged others through my old one. Now, I’m welcoming others to join and team up with me and enjoy the new one.

Love,
Trevor

Non-using Relapse Mode

Wow, it's been awhile. The network producers cut the blog down from a daily sitcom to a weekly event. Trust me, I've been feeling like there's something missing in my life. I've been slacking in nearly all aspects of me staying sober. Until today, I hadn't read my daily reading since Monday. I haven't been doing simple chores that I should be doing. Clearly, I haven't been releasing what's inside on this blog. As a result, feelings of wanting to use have crept up, loneliness and the want of female companionship is at a highest, and I've be falling in my spirituality; judging, reacting, and not accepting. I feel that I have been on relapse mode without the using.

Last week, I failed to include some of the goings ons on Friday. I went bowling with my cousin and his lovely girlfriend...whom I'm very fond of. If there is any points for cousin acceptance, she gets them. After bowling, there was talk of going to a bar. I used to hit this bar up EVERY Wednesday for cheap drinks. 99% of the goings ons I cannot recall on account of being over-self-served and then over-served. When it was first mentioned, I said no. Then the song Tik Tok came on in the bowling alley and I got excited...shut up! i love the song...and decided to go. Entering into the bar, I immediately felt out of place and old as shit. I ordered an energy drink because I was tired...another reason I had no business in this place. I didn't see the bartender pour it and it looked like there was booze in it. I ask my friend to test it for me, which he did, and he asked the bartender if there was any booze in it. Nope. Let's see, sober 31 year old surrounded by drunken 19/20 year olds...TERRIBLE. Why did I go? At first, I thought it was because I got excited to dance, but I realized that I really didn't have any motivation to do such a thing. While reflecting and taking a deep honest look on the inside for my motivations I came to my real reasons...women and pats on the back. What a reason to place myself in a situation that would could very well unravel everything that I have worked so hard for. My cousin's girlfriend showed much concern and kept asking me how I was doing. That I found very caring and considerate. After 20 minutes, I decided to leave. I didn't know anyone, I didn't want to dance, and I was bored, and I was getting increasingly irritated with the whole scene. I came to the conclusion that that life was truly not for me. That conclusion came on the Friday and Saturday, but I look at it even more honestly at my meeting on the Monday. If I knew people and were getting the pats on the back, if I had some attention from the females would've I really have left after 20 minutes? These are the tough questions that need to be answered, or at least honestly considered. The truth is that I probably would've just basked in the attention and LOVED IT. My conclusion that that scene is not for me wouldn't exists. My intentions to continue to go to clubs/bars would be intact. My self-immersed temptations would be strong. And my inevitable fall would be present. There's an old saying: If you sit in a barber's chair long enough, you will eventually get a haircut. I have my head shaved so I don't need to go and waste my time, my money, and my self getting that "haircut".

As mentioned above, I've been slacking and I've been in relapse mode. I've been allowing my self-will take over. Monday, I felt great about being 5 months sober. This is what's getting to me, I thought things were supposed to get easier. Self-will has crept in and I've been under a constant urge for the past 2 weeks to smoke the weed. I feel that I never really had a problem with it so why not. I'll tell you why. I CAN'T. If I can't be content in a clear and sober mind, then I'm defeating the whole purpose of not needing booze and the others to feel complete and of value.

Speaking of feeling of value, I was also sharing that it was my lack of self-value that was a contributor of drinking. Everyone nows that I was a talker, a joker, a non-filtered and sometimes biligerent drunk. You catch me while sober, not so. While drunk, I was on the phone calling everyone; regular drunken-social-butterfly. While sober, my phone wasn't being answered and I was in hiding. I was talking to an old friend and I made a joke about where he's been. He replied what are you talking about? You're the one that has been in hiding. So very true. I was in hiding. I was hiding myself. My aunt sent me a message that I was in hiding, I was sometime MIA, but that she's happy to have the old TJ back. That it's been years. You see, although I was out and about, talkative, and emotional while drunk that wasn't the real me. Sure the booze gave me the courage to cry or show how I was really feeling. Without the booze, I didn't feel that my feelings or thoughts were of value. I kept them in. I hid myself. As I feel better about myself, as I feel of more value, I don't need to hide what's inside anymore. More and more, I am becoming more talkative while SOBER. I'm becoming a more geniune me. I'm becoming TJ again. My mom sent me a Christmas letter that said that "The old, young TJ, that everyone found irresistable, is waiting to come out and play again...just without the maturity." By far the most touching and inspiring words anyone could offer me in my time of necessary support. I smiled then immediately began to cry. The point is that I do feel of better value to people and I do want to come out and play again. Don't get it wrong here: I'm still pretty immature. You should see me in my hyper-activity mode...OH BOOOY!!! I'm not going to discount my progress though. I do feel that I have been growing up...FINALLY! The first 30 years of my childhood was a rough go. My focus is not on the next party or next whatever. It's on what the next right thing to do is. You know what, the next right thing to do is to remain focused on staying sober, do the responsible thing, and proceed with progress. At that, I'm going to end this and say Happy Mother's Day. Although she doesn't have a computer, I'd like to say, "Happy Birthday, Nanny. I love you!"

Powerful Happenings

Good morning. I've been slacking as of late. My excuses are that I've been quite tired after my daily physicalities with meetings on top of that. I realize that they are just excuses. I've returned to Sarnia for the weekend. This is where really it all began. I have hesitations when the thought of Sarnia come into play. There's a mixture of excitment and fear associated with my visits to Sarnhole. I've only been back 4 times since beginning my journey of sobriety. They were for Christmas, Easter, after Graduation, and now, for my Mommykins' visit from Alberta. Yep, I did write Mommykins'. Have I ever called her that? No, but it just came over me to give her that term of endearment. Since my last entry, a few great things have happened.

The first one occurred at my meeting on Thursday. One of the fellowship was expaining that she had a powerful Godly experience. It was quite moving. When it was my turn to share I was quite emotional and content. Sobriety is a strange and wonderful thing. I had a moment of realization that I have made progress on spiritual level that I never thought would be. You see, I've always been quite scientific and mathematical. I've always been very anti-religious. My Mom would always try and make me read the Bible, talk to me about praying. I would become angry and irritated. The more I heard about it there more I would put up a barrier. A few months ago, if I would've heard someone talking about hearing God, I would've rolled my eyes, sighed heavily, and walked away resentful and angry. Now, I hear this sharing and I am listening, getting teary eyed, and am being open to this possibility. I have an open-mind to a Higher Power and now believe that anything is possible. Perhaps, what I've so strongly held on to for 30 plus year could be wrong. This is what I shared about in Windsor that if I were to accept that there could be a God or a Higher Power would mean that I would have to let go of something that I believed so strongly in my whole life. If you know me from before, then you know that I like to be right ALL OF THE TIME. It's a matter of pride and ego. To admit or accept that I could be wrong is an incredible stepping stone for my sobriety and spiritual growth. I'm not there, not in the least bit, but I am open to the possibilities. I am accepting of others' view, experiences, and beliefs. With this bring a great deal of peace, calmness, and tranquility.

The second came yesterday when I got into Sarnia. I have TERRIBLE credit. Right from when I was 19 when I got that student credit card at Seneca and maxed it out in Sarnia in 10 days and never paid it back my credits been poop. I had no sense of obligations went it came to credit and no sense of consequence. Unfortunate mindset, but a reality. Over the past few years, many opportunities were missed because of my financial immaturity. It has been a boiling point for self-pity as well. I'm not going to get into everything that has been missed, but I will tell you that I am on my way to normalcy. I know that I am unable to get a unsecured credit card, but there's is the option to go the secured route. Somewhat of topic, I've made a list of personal actions that I must take to achieve certain things in my life. I guess we'll call them goals. This isn't the first time I've written out goals, or other ideas for that matter. There has never been an excution though. I guess it a good thing that I bought that Making Ideas Happen book rather than the book for picking up women. One of things on my list was to get a secured credit card. I've went through the process of applying, but when it was time to pay my money was appropriated to other "more important things" such as the drinks or the drugs. I went to the bank yesterday right before it closed and got a money order for the security fund for the card signed to the "lending" bank. I never got over that hump. I've made that past elusive step. I'm sorry I had to bow my head there in thanks and just give myself an internal, "right on"

The last thing that made me feel great about myself is that I owed somebody very close to me some money for well over a year. I was in Sarnia in November of 2008. It was the last time I saw that close person until I entered the recovery program. I missed my ride home to Brampton because I was continuing my bender and because I was being inconsiderate. I missed work on the Monday without calling. In order to get home, he had to lend me the money for the train and cab. This was on top of money that he'd given me for booze and food. This was money for his trip to Jamaica in which I promised to pay back the next week. This was money that he was relying on for his trip, money that he diligently saved. I never did pay him back. I left him high and dry. He went, but with less than he wanted go with. The guilt and shame attached to the inconsiderations to someone that I apparently loved was more than too much. It wasn't too much though. I should've felt that shit because what I did was disgusting. I'm actually feeling kind of ill about it now. The thought sickens me. Let's refocus on the present now though. He's forgiven me, but I haven't fully myself. During Christmas, he said not to worry about it. He that we're are straight. I offered him some money yesterday. It was about half of what I owe. He refused it until I'm more sturdy on my feet. That old saying...it's the thought that counts...rings very true here. He appreciates the offer and the willingness. I appreciate his patience and support. We are back to our old tight ways and although the thoughts of the past things I did make my stomach turn, I do .have a sense of comfort that self-forgiveness is an eventual given. In doing the right thing comes a right feeling.

Principles over Personalities

During my recovery, I've been given the tools to relieve myself of the soul-corroding resentment that I was plagued with. I learned about these crazy things called forgiveness and acceptance. It's the acceptance that I was to talk about tonight. In my 24 Hours a Day book, I read that God's way is one of love and tolerance. Tonight, I also want to talk about tolerance. You see, tolerance and acceptance go hand-in-hand. At my Wednesday meeting, we are given a choice to make a topic for discussion. I whole-heartedly made mine accepting other people. I feel that I pretty much liked everyone while I was drunk. While sober on the other hand is a different story. For the most part, I like and get along with plenty. You know what, it's my fellow gender that gets me going so much. I was a great deal of pride and I still am very ego-reactive. If someone makes me feel that I don't know what I'm talking about, don't know what I'm doing, discounts my suggestions,or simply interrupts me while I feel I am inputting something of value, I become flushed with anger, resentment, and spiteful thoughts. It all comes down to having a "dick swinging" contest (excuse the language). Unless I'm tired and cranky, I don't usually fly off the handle and get terribly angry. I do, however, become passive-aggressive with tactics of sarcasm, silent-treatment, or complete omission of the others presence. I know it's immature, but I can't help it. I do have the power to, as someone said tonight, "spot it and stop it." What I've been able to do through my awareness is try and stand in the others' shoes. Perhaps, the other person is just trying to help and give me an opportunity to learn. Perhaps, the others person has good intentions. The fact is that both of the instances are true, but my ego and pride cloud what's really going on. Since ego and pride are so sensitive in me, I react in a overly sensitive manner. Don't get me wrong, there are times were people are just being assholes, but it's up to me, still, not to react and accept people for who they are, what's on their mind, how they know in dealing with others. It my mind, my feelings, my mood that I'M in control of. If I allow others to affect me in a negative way, it's all on me. Again, I have a choice. It's not easy always, but it is my responsiblity in order to stay happy, stay positive, and most importantly, stay sober. In AA, we say Principle over Personalities. That's something that I must remember all of the time. Don't worry, you guys (and gals) are alright in my books...:)

Healthy and Unheathy Fear

Kinda late isn't it. There were a couple of anniversaries tonight at my meeting. One celebrated her 1 year! The other, a 70-something year old, his 10 year! This man quit when he had been drinking his whole life. He had been drinking for longer than how long many of us combined have been living. For me, if had waiting until 60-something to quit, I don't think I would. To do something like that speaks volumes to his character. It also shows that it really is never too late. I was talking to a brother yesterday, he's 17, and he decided to go down this path as well. Let's face it, at 17 I was even thinking that there was a problem. The only problem I thought I had was not having a fake ID. This kid is years ahead of the game and I hope that he realizes it. He's become like another little brother to me. So, at 17 and trying to calm the turmoil that his addictions have cause shows that it's never too early, either. While in the shower, I was contemplating what I was going to write about tonight. My day was excellent and I couldn't think about anything that really stuck to me that was negative to I made the decision to make the topic about blame. I know I've briefly discussed blame, but not in it's entirity. It's funny what life has to offer and how things can be changed. I attended this meeting. I was listening to the speaker and I made the decision to change tonight's writing. This guy almost had me in tears. He touched home on so many levels. I rubbed my face in amazement and someone joked with me to wake up. Little did he know that my mind was in a Wow moment. Remember I mentioned about feeling alone while practicing? While it is true in the sense of ostasizing myself from loved ones, it hold gravely true when it comes to feeling different from absolutely everyone. Without the program, without sharing with the other men, without hearing other peoples stories at these meeting I would still feel unique in regards to my feelings, helplessness, insecurities, and antics. I'm not going to get into detail of what this man said, but I will let you in on one of my reactions to something he said. He mentioned great lengths of sobriety, becoming a addictions councellor, and repeatedly returning to his practicing ways. This SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! You can tell I'm very passionate about this new way of live and love. I have continuous thoughts of taking part-time classes to become an addictions councellor. Like the speaker, I want to give back and help others and feel safer with the fact that if I'm immersed in the field then I'll be that much more accountable. Do you see the parralles? Because I do! This is what bring in the this fear. There is a major difference in this type of fear and the fear that I've previously touched on. The latter fear can be described as anxiety-causes, debilitating, counter-productive, opportunity-smothering. In other words, that type of fear is negative. The former fear, I feel, should be described as stress-causing, productive, and opportunity-providing. These can be all true if this positive and grounding fear is harnessed in the proper way. So when I say that it's stressful it's because I'm seeing that this son of bitch alcoholism is a sneaky and cunning MFer. Through typing this out and feeling it out and am able to indentify these traps of complacency. I've become complacent before and 5 years later, I was in Brampton on my way to Windsor for round 2 of recovery. The difference now is that I've learned to feel more, dig more, and find the silver-lining. The difference is now I realize that I have you and so many others that care for me. So, here and there, down the road, challenge me on my complacency, if necessary. If I get mad, it's because you've noticed something that I now deep inside. If I don't, it's because I've recognized it too. Deal? Coooo! Well, good night and I love you!

Simply Thankful

Wow, it's the support and love from those who count the most that make this sharing worthwhile. It's people that are in my life today. I was reading the comments today and there was a mix of facial expression. I had a continuous grin, edging on a full out smile. While in the facial pose that I enjoy having so much, I was beginning to really feel what I have in my life. This brought out the softer, more sensitive side of Trev. This is where I became a little misty eyed. Your heart-felt comments really did make my day. I'll tell you that my day was so relaxing that I really feel that I was going to make an entry today, but here I am. I also didn't do anything productive today. It feels like I didn't, but I really did and it didn't even feel like actual work. I was able to implement some of what I learned from my reading of my new book, Making Ideas Happen. This is the book that I got as a birthday present instead of the book I was referring to yesterday. When a decision is made out of necessity or what right rather than out of the more negative feelings such as fear or lust that decision allows me to put one step forward. It's all about progress. Back to my productivity, I organized some thoughts, aspirations, and most importantly some inventive ideas. Rather than just reading and taking mental notes, as I usually do, I actually put some of these ideas into action. So, I've made the first steps (of many) to achieving. So, I'm very excited about that.

Last night, I was honoured by an anonymous friend. He called me and confided in me. He told me that he reads these entries on a daily basis. He even said that I'm sounding somewhat like an infomercial. He and I where quite a pair. He's seen me at my worst and yet, there is an abundance of respect for what's going on. For two grown men to talk on a deeper level of problem issues and frustrations, there needs to be a certain amount of trust. This is trust that only came in drunken or doped up form. I never allowed people to trust me. This is because I wasn't trustworthy. I was a liar. I was thief. I was a cheater. With me cleaning the slate, this has provided me and others an opportunity for honest exchanges. With honest exchanges comes opportunities for helping others, for complete understandings. Again, it was truly an honour for the talk that I had last night.

Let me breakdown what I'm thankful for right now. I'm thankful to have loveing family and friend that support me in the way I truly need; emotionally. I'm thankful that I still am in contact with some of my brothers from my program in Windsor. I'm thankful that I am in a position to be of help to others; service. I am thankful that I have this sharing outlet. I am thankful for my health and the health of others. I am thankful for the on-going feedback that I receive. I am thankful to be SOBER!

Puzzling...

It puzzles me that I am intrigued, attracted to, appreciate something that I need booze or other cruches to feel comfortable around. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of a major contributor to my drinking. It also made me aware of a serious obstacle in staying sober. Someone moved in across the street a couple of weeks ago; a lovely lady. Pizza was ordered yesterday and when I went upstairs to see if the delivery person was there, I saw that my Step-Ma was outside talking to the girl and her friend. Her friend was female as well. For those who read this and know me from my drinking past, you know how I was with the booze in me. I'd talk to anyone, flirt with anyone, was comfortable talking with anyone. In this case, anyone would equate to any female. While on my program in Windsor, it became quite clear, something that I always knew and felt deep down inside, that the reason I drink was to make it easier to talk to the opposite sex. Yesterday, I opened the door, saw them all talking across the street and IMMEDIATELY closed the door. Why? Scared! It was like I was 4 years old and hiding behind my Mom's leg when someone I didn't know was talking to me. Some may say shy, I didn't, but the truth is that it's fear. I don't care what anyone says. Everyone has fears. There are differences in how people handle it. One way is to drink or do drugs to lower inhibitions and give false courage. The other, healtier way, is to go against the grain, push the boundries of one's comfort zone, and fight the fear. As one with an alcoholic mind, I can attest that my thought patterns are based on the worst-case scenario. I expect an outcome that would adversly affect my pride and self-worth. Through practicing the latter of the two methods of coping with fear, one can see that, in most cases, the outcome of is not as bad as originally imagined, reducing the fear, and expanding the comfort zone. So, what would I be most afraid of when it comes to talking to woman that I don't know? Before I get to that, I'm going to tell a story that may give the answer. In Windsor, I was out with a couple of my brothers. There was a girl that struck me and I told my buddy about how attractive she was a pointed her out. He, having no problem with talking, said that he would go talk to her for me. I almost had an outburst of anger. I was very much against this. I think I need some !!!! for how much I didn't want him to do it. He didn't. A few weeks later, myself, same one brother, and another one went to Chuck E. Cheese's with their boys. Afterward, there were a couple of older women, 60s or so, that were smiling at the boys. I was able to talk to them, make jokes, laugh, and feel comfortable. Now, the other buddy makes the comment along the lines that I see a lovely female my age and I run like a little boy. I see a couple of geriatric woman and I'm smiling, cracking jokes..." It was outrageously hilarious and I laughed hard with the simple reply, "It's funny cause it's true." And it was perfectly true. This moderately embarassing moment was a thought-inducer. As I looked within to find the why's, it dawned upon me. With a 60 year old woman, it's obvious to me that I'm not going to try to take things futher; less pressure. With someone my own age, there is that pressure. It's the pressure, or FEAR, of rejection. Why the fear of rejection? To me, I find that this fear is dabilitating. This fear is enough so that I can't think of things to say. Knowing that, I want to avoid looking like a jack-ass; I want to protect my pride. So it's the fear of my pride being underminded. There are couple more aspects to this, as well. There is the self-worth issue. Being self-conscious of being funny enough, smart enough, a conversationalist. These all hinder me in my pursuit. And this is a perfect seguay to what's really going on. I'm on a pursuit. Usually, I'm straight to the "end game". I apologize, but the truth must be told. I find you females very attractive and yummy. I even what very close to buy a book about picking up woman today. One of the reason's I didn't was that I didn't want to go a pay for it. That would've been far too embarassing for me. There was an offer to me to be purchased for me rather than I going up. After some thought, I passed. It wasn't the right thing to do. If I am to find a lasting and meaningful relationship, I need to stop the pursuit, stop that predatorial mind-set. A mind-set that is too fearful to be placed into use....Hmmm! I said to the person with me that when it's time that right female will be placed in my life. At that point, I thought about the events that took place yesterday. I have forgotten to live in the "Now" and see an interaction as an opportunity of friendship, an opportunity to know get to know someone, an opportunity to create a bond. In doing this, opportunities are given, the pressure of rejection is relieved, and spirituality may blossom. It's not all about physical pleasure. It's all about the pleasure of the soul. Really though, I have plenty of female friends. The truth is that I prefer them. At the end of the day, the fear of rejection are the self-consciousness are unnecessary because if the people in my life right now, the people that count, accept me then the people that are place in my life as opportunities will accept me as well. I just need to accept myself. Slowly, but surely my friends...slowly, but surely. At that, I'm going to end this entry. There's more to say, but I will revisit the female issue and the perpetual facade that was me...you just have to wait though!

A Loving Kiss Makes it all Worth it

So I'm back after a couple days. My Dad let me in on a little courtesy hint. I should've left a little note making aware that I would be gone for a couple of days. My apologies and not to worry, everything is beautiful. I was at my Grandma's house for a couple of nights. I actually call her Nanny so that's what I'm going to call her from here on out. I spent a night at her place last week, as well. It's a pretty good thing that's going on. When I am unable to make it into to town the next morning, I stay at my Nanny's. Trust me, she loves it. She didn't really have a chance to baby me growing up because I lived in Sarnia; she in Toronto. Does she ever take advantage of me being around now. You know that I'm not going to say anything and take that away from her. When I moved to Brampton, while still practicing my addiction, I very rarely called her, let alone visited her. I think I went to her place once for Thanksgiving with my Mom. Whenever I did see her, during holidays (not all though), she would voice her lack of appreciation for me not calling. I couldn't get mad or talk back for two reasons. One, she's my Nanny. Two, and most importantly, I knew that she was right and that I was being a neglectful grandson, simple as that. That's the thing while deep in an addiction. I always felt that I was alone, especially I my darkest moments. It was never true though. My family, even my friends, that love me and always have were never given a chance to love me. I took myself out of the rays of their love to shit in my darkness of despair. But not more! I am now getting a love-tan, yes I know, cheesy, but that's what happens when you're filled with a new-found love and appreciation. Ha! A love-tan...I just made myself laugh. Alright, back to my stay at my Nanny's. Last week, Nanny's grace was all about me. She was very thankful that I was there for super and the night. Also, my jeans were very dirty and she didn't want me to waste money on the washing machine for one pair of jeans. We did it old school, the way she using to wash cloths growing up, in the sink (minus the washboard). It's those types of things that make me type cheesy things like love-tan. Yesterday, I mentioned that it was a sweet deal that we have going on. That we are having more opportunities to spend time together. Her smile matched how I felt inside. Just sitting there watching the news and wheel of fortune was enough for me. Dinner after work, coffee in the morning all added to my continued effort at this, once frightful and impossible, thing called sobriety. Wow, was I missing the boat! I actually fell asleep before ten last night. This is the clincher here: after I fell asleep and as Nanny was going to bed she startled me out of my sleep...with a kiss on my forehead. I smiled and said, "thank you, Nanny I love you." That loving kiss will never be forgotten and will be a guiding light if I ever find myself in the darkness that comes with the thoughts of trying out my past again. Well worth it!

Maybe a checklist will help.

As I said yesterday that I lost my job because I was always late or never there. I basically chalked that up to me staying up too late because I never wanted to say, "no," and always wanted to say, "where's the next one..." This led to me, on average, staying awake until 3am to wake up at 6am. Understandably, I couldn't hear my alarm, hit snooze too many times, or just neglected to set my alarm the night before. Really, it boils down to irresponsibility. Although I'm not living that lifestyle anymore, it seems to me that I'm not quite there when it comes to being responsible. I'm only 31. Isn't being responsible reserved for adults. Adults that have jobs. Grown-folks that have others relying on them for various things like making it to work on time, making others feel that they have made the right decision to place their faith in them? Hmmmm, this is were I'm confused. I have a job. Other rely on me to be at work on time. I have people that, indeed, rightfully placed their faith in me. So what's the problem? Well, I thought I turned my alarm on. I checked the alarm time. I checked the volume. I DIDN'T turn the alarm on. I had to be awoken and told that that will be the last time. How did that start my day? Terrible! Immediately, I was wading through fear and self-doubt. Wow, I can't blame it on the alcohol. I can't blame it on the drugs. Damn, I can't even blame it on both. What was I fearful of? I was fearful that I couldn't rely on my sober-self to be responsible, be on time, and be able to keep my 2nd chance job. I was doubting myself that I be normal, relable person. I was pointing to something there earlier. That magical word is BLAME! If I get rid of all the blaming all that there is left to do is to start accepting RESPONSIBILITY. What can I do to be more responsibility. For one, I'm going to make a checklist before I go to bed: alarm time...check, alarm volume...check, alarm on...tripe check. This may seem extreme, but I don't care. This is something that I feel I have to do to be more responsible. Again, we are at the choice thing again. PLACING BLAME OR ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY. So, with searching for what to learn from my negative start, I've deal with the negative feeling in a RESPONSIBLE way. What's the reward? Me feeling wonderful about myself and ending the day off properly.

The Day of Poor Me and What Being Grateful can do.

Alright, so today was my first of my second week back at work. I placed someone very important to me in a position to fire me last year. Let me break it down like this: Friday, I completed my first full week during my first week. Last year, before I was let go, I had two or three full weeks (no absents, no lates) in 10 weeks of employment. All the other weeks I had at most 4 days pay and I was perpetually late. One would think that I would be grateful to have my job back. One would also think that I would be happy that, at least, I have a job. There are others that are laid off, are unable to work, or can't find work. Shoot, there are people that have gone through programs as I did and are going to the food bank! For the love of God, where was the gratefulness! Didn't have it.

This is what kind of person that I am. I expect perfection from myself, others, and situations; most of myself. When something doesn't go right at work, I go from the cheerful Trev, to the sulking, tempter-tantrum-having Trev. Attitude goes straight out the window. Were others privileged enough to experience needing-to-lose-the-'tude-Trev? Oooooh ya! I even had someone comment on the fact they don't like this Trev's attitude...This Trev's...like I'm multi-personalities....COME ON! I'll come back to this one, but first, I have to address my ego.

I'll tell how my pride dictates my mood. I was at the airport today were there were people in suits, flight attendant, pilots, etc walking around. Now, there was me dirty, carrying a shovel, and cold. I felt less-than. This is were the Day of Poor Me began. Rather than being grateful for what I had, I was dwelling on what others had, what I didn't have, what I could've had. To sum it up I was completely immersed in Self-Pity. Let me reiterate, in absence of being peace, love, and tranquility for everything good in my life leaves only room for the chaos, hate, and turmoil that is have an excuse to feel bad about myself; self-pity. Make sense? It does now to me.

Yes, it is becoming clearer and clearer daily. A gift of this sober life is awareness. Awareness in self, others, and life. With the awareness of how I am being perceived, the awareness of how I am affecting others, and the awareness in what I really want in life allowed me to change my attitude today. I went from frowning and thinking to myself, "wow, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to make others feel this way, but I don't want to just TRY and put on a decent face and seem like I'm bi-polar or have a mood-issues to these guys...TOO LATE! What did I do? I turned, stared at my co-worker with a crazy face and made him laugh. I laughed. I felt better. He welcomed Trevor back. It the awareness that offers me a choice now. A choice in gratefulness or self-pity; giving in feelings of joy or selfish in my actions affecting others. It's a choice.

Who I Am

I feel that there is some need to briefly give a basic background on who I am. 31, that's my age. I have been clean of drugs and alcohol since December 3, 2009; for a little over 4 months. I never thought that I was the type of person to expose myself to anyone unless I was self-medicated with intoxicants. My experiences, feelings, short-comings, everything will given away. In doing so, my thoughts and feelings revealed will act as an internal release, a sharing mechanisms, a thought organizer, and a emotional progression gauge. Right now, I am not entirely sure where I am going to start, but I am going to set aside fear-based hesitations and jump into it.

On December 4, 2009, I joined a recovery program in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. I spent my first three months of sobriety living under the roofs of this "house." I graduated from the program on March 6, 2010. I think this is one of the most important things to reveal because this is where I gained my strength, tools, and love to continue my recovery. I learned a lot about myself in the short three months. I learned a lot about other people with the same issues as myself. I learned about my fears, my weaknesses, and my forgotten strengths. What's amazing is that I learned that most of my weaknesses weren't always weaknesses they were strengths that I once had, but as previously stated, were forgotten. I came to remember that I was an admired person by many. I came to realize that I am a loved person. I came to feel that I am a loving person. Charming, loving, sensitive, emotional (which isn't a weakness, but a strength), and others are traits that have been forgotten and left ungroomed, unrefined. I allowed my idea of being emotional as being weak eat away at the very essence of me; transforming me into the lost, scared, and angry man-child that I am slowly letting go of. I also come to be aware that this transformation led me into a connected negative. This negative come in the form of me being very much about self; selfish, self-centred, self-motivation, and so on. Most of my decisions were and are based on me; how I can benefit, what who be easiest for me, how will I feel about it. These decisions brought me on my journey to me, December 4, 2009; my lowest. I say my lowest, but it was the end of my lowest cycle and the beginning of something fantastic. That something fantastic is a new journey of me continuously improving, accepting and loving myself.

My plan is to post daily logs, to cover and share what I have learned during my three month stay at the House that saved my life, share my troubles and how I am able to see the positives in those trouble. I am going to share who I am on the inside; positive and negative. Now I know that I haven't introduced myself completely, but that's okay because all the necessary information with me included with my future sharings.

GudTynz out