A taste of the sweet....

So last night, I was laying there, watching tv, and texting to some people...weird, me text? All of a sudden, I realized that I had a goofy little grin on my face. I wasn't watching anything amusing so there was absolutely no reason for me to be grinning. The only other time that I've had goofy grins are when I was thinking of a special person, or if well, I'm not going to get into that...there's young eyes reading this...lol! I came to realize that I was in a state of contentment, a state of happiness. I came to realize that last night I was feeling the best I have in about 2 months. I was rocking goofy grins back then, too. They weren't about what I was experiencing last night and actually, tonight. Last night, I caught a glimpse at what I've written about what I am trying to acheive...happiness and inner peace. Tonight, I feel even better. As I type this and as I've had since about 8 o'clock, I continue to sport this grin. Over the past hour, I've shared with others about my current experiences, I've listened, and I've smiled, giggled, and laughed to the point of tears. I really don't need to write anymore. There was an issue today at work regarding someone else ignorance, but it doesn't even matter. That's their problem not mine. What matters is me feeling through these positive emotions and appreciating them. I know there will be plenty more in the future. Maybe the greatest part of this is that when I do experience these moments, I will remember them because I am sober. I will remember them because this is what I am striving for. Although I may, no will, go through tough times, I will continue to truly experience them in a sober way so that I know the sweet from the bitter. I love accomplishing things and me reaching this level of peace and happiness is truly an accomplishment.

Omit Ego and Pride...Substitute with Humility and Acceptance

Another month has come into my sobriety. 9 months...3/4 of a year! Yes, I am good at math. I am feeling excellent. Earlier this week, not too excellent. I was doing a lot of dwelling, fighting to battle self-pity, second-guessing myself, and allowing my mind to be somewhere else and not on myself. Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be concentrating on me. If I don't make me number 1, I will never be able to be as best as I can be for everyone else. As you know, I do a lot of reflection throughout the day and during this past week, I have become stronger through more self-discovery. This neither is new to me nor is it to a certain few, but I really dislike not getting my own way. I dislike losing. I dislike being told things about myself that are negative. Initially, I do not take to these things to well. How would my emotional process be? Let see...frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and acceptance. What happens when acceptance occurs? A chance for learning which, in turn, leads to strengthening and growth. Flat out, I still am trying to figure out the not getting my own way issue...that shit is entrenched in me and will take some time to alleviate myself of it. When it comes to losing it's a matter of my pride and ego being bruised. It will always happen, those things being bruised, it just how I deal with it that'll make the difference. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't always have to happen. If I continue to humble myself, expect less of myself and others, and accept things for what they are, I can lessen the bruising. Yes, I hate losing in sports, but this is not what this is about. This is deeper, but in line with a competitive game. If I am trying to sell myself, my point, my wants, etc and it the outcome turn out the way I want...hmmm weird, I sense a tie in with something previously said, I feel that I have lost. So me not liking losing parallels me not getting my own way...may seem obvious, but I took me this writing to piece that together. Also, it is about setting my expectation to a certain level or outcome while not allowing the possibility of anything less or different that contributes me not accepting what happens. This then causes me to feel all the negative emotions that I prefer not to experience. These negative emotions are inevitable, but if I can lessen the experience through more acceptance and less expectation, why not?
As for being told things about myself that are negative. Hate it! Again, it's about my pride and ego. How dare someone say something about me, to me, with maybe the intentions to give me an opportunity to improve on myself. Really, I love my reflection. I welcome the self-discovery. Notice, the MY reflection and the SELF-discovery. I like the feeling of doing things myself; that feeling of accomplishment. Come on though, I am pretty bias to myself. After all, I have the ego and pride. Yes, I am as honest to myself as I have ever been in my life, but wouldn't someone else's caring opinion hold some truth? After all, if it wasn't for the people in my life that I pushed away, hurt with my self-destruction, that love me, if it wasn't for their consistent reminder of what was really going on with me, who would I still be? Where would I be? I wouldn't be me...I denied their observations, their feelings for so long and it only caused pain, shame, and blame. What happened when I decided to take into consideration what these people, you people, my family and friends, what you had to say? I saw it. I accepted it. I was able to see that I needed help. I got help. I have you all back in my life...the way you are supposed to be in my life...and I you. I took so long because I didn't like what you were saying about me. I didn't believe it. I thought how dare you. I came up with excuses. Why? Refer to the part where I said that I'm pretty bias of myself. Now, I still fight and dislike it, initial, but after, I am seeing this tidbits of infomation as truths that I don't want to see right away. That's what they are; they are truths. The people that I have in my life aren't going to say anything to me to hurt me. If it's negative, it's because I need to see something that I may be blind to. It love that they are offering me. Love to a better me. Let's boil it down to this: I need to work very hard at replacing my ego and pride, little by little, with humility and acceptance. By doing this, my dislikes will lessen and my joy and contentment will increase. An increase in joy and contentment will bring me closer to me being the best that I can be for everyone of you.