Priority #1 - My worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk.

This should have been address many moons ago. How my priorities will dictate my happiness and peace. Whatever I want, better yet, need in life will never come to fruition unless I take care of me first. Without me being at peace with myself, I cannot have peaceful life. Without loving myself, I can love no one else. Without inner-peace or inner-love, I WILL NEVER have the true sobriety. Sure, there's a possibility of me not drinking or drugging, but what's the point if I'm feeling the same way as I was while practicing. There's a term for that...it's called being a dry alcoholic. When the novelty of being a new man wears off, one is left with that cold realization that without working on what's needed, life cannot be enjoyed or appreciated the way it is supposed to be. There are still challenges. There are still rough times. Accepting and dealing with these things makes the difference in peace and happiness.
What do I want in life? Sure, I want the materials things, the status things still. What's wrong with having what you want? Nothing as long as it's acquired through doing what's right. What's right for me, again, is to be at peace with myself. That way, I will be able to enjoy everything I want. What else do I want? A family is something that for many years I was pretty cynical about. If I still drinking and drugging, had a family, would I still have a family? Probably not. I would be inconsiderate, disloyal, dishonest and would not be a contributor to any relationship. In fact, I was never a contributor. Well, yes I was, I was a contributor of heartbreak, anger, and disgust. What about my want for career success? I mean king of industry kind of success? Well, before I was the king of losing employment...and that's it. I missed work. I was always late. When I did go to work, I was always over-tired and reaked of booze. My potential was stiffled everytime. I always told my mom that these jobs didn't count and when my career started that I would make the necessary adjustments. What happen though? I never allowed myself to make it to that level....career level. I was getting fired. I was lost. So with a loving sobriety, I can apply myself to my maximum potential. I am able to interact with people in a tactful manner. I will be able to become a king of industry. My wants are all fine and dandy, but the real question is what I need.

What do I need? I need to make my recovery my very first priority. Without it, nothing above will be attained and appreciated appropriately. With my true sobriety, everything that I desire will fall into place when the time is right. I am learning who I am, how to deal with tough situations, and how to manage my emotions. I am learning of my potential. Life is a tricky things, but I feel that it boils down to balance. Yes, I need my recovery to come first, but I also need to balance it out with the other facets that make up my daily life. Sure there is going to be some stumbles along the way, but I have the tools to get back up. I have a fellowship of love, family and friends that love me, and a growing understanding of myself. So let's break it down. Without recovery, I will never maintain an beneficial relationship or family. Without recovery, I will never achieve success in any form of career. Without recovery, I will never acquire the unimportant, but very fun, toys of life. Without recovery, I will never be truly happy with, at peace with, or love myself. I heard, and definitely am never letting go of, "my worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk." Wow, I don't know about you, but those are some serious words right there...so, so true!

Father/Son - One-winged Angels

First things first, this has been by far the best Father's Day that I've spent with my Dad. We were supposed to go golfing, but didn't. What we did was so much more meaningful to me. We sat out on the deck and simply talked. That's it. I learned the story of the precursor of Trev Tynes. It others words how he and my Mother met. I've always known a fairly short version, but this one was a little more in-depth. Whether or not he wants to admit it, I know where I get my soft heart and my ability to care easily. We went over an idea I have for a product in our, yes OUR, field of work. Seeking approval, it's something that I'm sure I've struggled with. My past wouldn't really allow for much approval. My present does though. Going through this idea, brainstorming together, and setting out the next steps was probably the funnest group of activities that I have ever had. To me, they were much like the time when he taught me how to play baseball and football. I know how to play those sports now...very well I might (modest, eh). With the help of Pops, this idea very well may turn into something, but if it doesn't, the time spent is what I'll remember when I'm 90. I'll remember that for as long as I will remember learning the sports. I remember those special things in childhood, and now in adulthood until I can't remember to remember.

There something else I want to touch on tonight. Many people may not and will not be able to understand this, but people like myself need other struggling or recovering people in their lives. An individual once told me that an alcoholic is like a one-winged angle. If he doesn't have another alcoholic, he will just fly in circles and eventually hit bottom. He needs the other alcoholic to fly straight, to fly high. Funny thing, I was having trouble with people seeing signs of something greater and I was confiding in this person with this. He told me that story and not a second later that he finished, another fellow (named Trevor, too) came up to us and offered me a feather....I KNOW!!! CREEPY!!! It was so creepy that I was basically forced to be more open-minded to things that I sealed away from my rational thought. I'm bringing this up because I had someone get in touch with me tonight and he confided in me. I was so honoured that he would text his "big brother" to let me know what's going on. I offered my thoughts to him to help him learn what he needed to learn. I believe in this kid. He is truly a good-hearted individual. He knows that he will never be alone in the journey. The same goes for me. If I'm having an issue with something, I have a seemingly neverending list of people to call. These guys will tell me what I don't want to hear, keep me accountable, and will care for me from here on out. Without them, I would not be where I'm at today. This is the beauty of this journey...it's people helping people...this is the way it's supposed to be. What I mean by supposed to be is that this is how EVERYONE should be. I am going to try and live by what I feel and say here. I am going to commit to being as helpful to others as I possibly can.

This has been a great few recent days. The week is ending the way it's supposed to be; happy and peaceful.

Thank you, my friends, for spending time to read these digitized feelings. I love you!

Motives

Well my friends, this guy is ready for another entry. I was relaxing and enjoying the morning...at 5 in the morning. I began to think about the last time, the first time I tried this and what were the difference from this time, which will be the last time (you see how I worded that...pretty clever).

Let's see, in 2004, I made a half-hearted attempt. I really wasn't wanting to get sober. I know now that I had another 5 years of destruction in me. That bottom wasn't quite there. I may have felt that way, but it wasn't. Then, I was removed from my Mimi's house. I had nowhere to go, so I was SENT to Brampton. After sweating the booze out, I was told that life's about choices. I had a choice of going to an outpatient program or not have the support that was being offered. Obviously, I was going to use my brain and avoid being homeless. I chose to go to this day program. Sure I learned about myself, the addictions, but I wasn't fully into it. My main focus was on an ex-girlfriend. I truly believe that was the biggest future downfall of my half-assed sobriety. Sure I was sober for 4 months, but I hadn't changed what was going on inside. When I fell off, I went out with a buddy, had some drinks (managed consumption), met some ladies, and had an overall good time. It didn't take long until my managed consumption was overwhelmed by my complacency and I was right back to where I was November 2004. Let summarize, I was basically forced into intake, I was mainly focused on someone else, and I never really addressed what was on the inside.

This time around, my motives were far different. Sure, I had a little "nudge" from my caring parents. I wasn't be threatened on being kicked out, but this was a major concern for them...STILL! Perhaps, my Mother's prayers led my hand to pick-up the intake phone. I don't know. I'm not fully in comprehension of praying yet. Regardless, I was sick of where my life had gone. I was sick of looking at friends, younger friends, having things that I always expected to have bigger and better...if that makes sense. I was sick of causing chaos with the only family that I have. The family that's loved me since 1979 (that's when I was born..lol) I could go on, but I won't. Okay, one more, the most important, I was sick of not being the person that I truly was, the person that I am making continuous strides towards now. What I'm trying to say is that my motives were for the right reason. I did this for me. Once I straighten my shit out, everything else soon fell into place. I'm that big brother, son, grand-son, friend that I am supposed to be. Why am I continuing with this success? It's the appreciation of who is in my life. It's doing what I need to do rather than what I want to do. It's maintaining my meetings. It's maintain commitment with my program brothers from Windsor. It's being responsible with sobriety.

This felt like something that I could never describe....wait, elation!

Just did a spell-check...first time no spelling errors...lol!

Look at me...getting all growns up!

This has been a big hiatus I must say. As of June 3rd, I was 6 months sober. Yes, that's a whole half of a year. There was a time in my life that I thought stopping partying was for quitters. Now, I feel that there is something to say about this continued sobriety. I posted my initial 3 day countdown and my 6 month status update and the comments and thumbs up were just great. This shows me, what I've known for sometime, that people really do like "Sober Trev" I heard that a lot initially, but not as much anymore. This is who I am now. I'm not "Sober Trev" anymore. This is me. The novelty wore off, it has been consumed with support, it has become me. To me, I'm just Trev.

Really though, I'm Trev that is becoming more and more responsible daily. Here are some updates in my continued growth. My very first passport is coming in the mail. Once that's in, I will have legitimate identification so I can confirm my id with Capitol One. That will lead to my credit card to be in transit. This will be my first one that I treat with respect, diligence, and responsibility. I transformed the seemingly shit fact of a couple of rain days into opportunities to be constructive and productive. I compiled a list of conscious debts and delinquent accounts. I made my attempts to contact them and set up payment plans. Any others that I missed, I will be able to find them with my credit report...that I'm going to finally be able to get with my credit card. From there, I can start calling the missed account. Finally, during one of the rain days, I set-up my RRSPs. It's funny, I was suppose to be a financial consultant, but I had mine in shambles. HAHA! That's strangely odd to me. Two years, is my new goal of home-ownership. It's will happen a lot sooner than I originally thought. Really, I didn't think it would happen ever and if it did, it'd be closer to me being 40. That was me worry about what my past has done to my future. What I am doing now is working in the now and doing what I have to do now to ensure that bright future. That bright future that I no longer dread, but am open to and excited about.