A View from a Different Lens

I find it amazing that a different day, hour, minute, mood, or awareness can inspire such alternate views on the same thing.  A few days ago for a couple of days, I kept hearing a neighbour's dog bark.  Some my thoughts were, "Shut the F (long form) up," and "Shut the F (again, long form) up."  To say the least, it was annoying and irritating to me.  This actually brings me back to when I was a practising alcoholic, as an uninvited live-in basement guest at my Grandma's (Mimmi's) which so happened to be occupied by my best-friend and brother-cousin or brousin (he made that up the other day...IT'S GREAT).  As per usual, I have become side-tracked.  So ya, I remember being hungover and tired...therefore I was still sleeping.  My Mimmi had a budgie making a sorts of racket and disturbing my self-induced coma.  Did that ever infuriate me.  I was yelling into my pillow, yes you guessed it, "Shut the F (and again, long form) up."  Back then though, it was with more rage.  Like come on, it had to be 1 pm...way too early to be woken up by a bird after a "good" night, right?
Here's a couple of things that I realize.  I may not be sleeping in until 1 pm anymore with a hangover, filled with rage a tiny bird singing, but I still am on this journey of not accepting things that do not conform to my view of perfection....F'n dog!  But no, not F'n dog or F'n birdy!  I started to read this book called Spiritual Intelligence: A new way of being by Brian Draper and was given an opportunity to reflect on what was going on that I may have been missing.  I am finding that I am beginning to really look at things different as I did when I was sick and blind.  Like I said, I still do struggle, but I am aware and I do eventually see things differently.  When I was laying there with the book face down on my chest and me reflecting, that same dog started barking.  Even before the dog started barking, I was thinking of it and what really does that dog symbolize.  In mind, I was seeing the dog as a symbol of life and of like creation.  I was thinking of the awesomeness of genetics and the power of DNA; how it's amazing that with just an altered arrangement can produce different living forms.  That barking sound is a result of biology, physics, and chemistry; life.  Not just life, but love, as well.  A family, or at least one person loves that dog.  That dog is a symbol of companionship.  I'm sure it's family considers it a member; that dog symbolizes family, too.  I realized that there was a truer, deeper power in the things that I find irritating because they may be disrupting my comfort, my status quo.
From irritated to in awe-fully amazed, inspired, and humbled simply through the process of changing the lens in which I view.

From this, I feel good.

 

A Five Syllable Word for Sloth

Throughout my life and continued daily I struggle.  Somethings I struggle with more than others, but one of the biggest things I battle with and against is another word for one of those seven deadly sins.  It's a five syllable word called procrastination.  As you try and confirm that it is there are five syllables, I will assure you that are five of them.  With every battle, there are a number of forces trying to gain their own will.  Usually the will that wins out is the one that has never done me any good; my self-will. Through following my own will, I am susceptible to my selfish ways.  These ways are very limiting to me.  Whether they are in the form of my nemesis, pride, or any other thing that follows the Trev-centric ways, they take away from the greater good of growth and giving.  The way I see it, if I'm not growing, learning, a feeling good with myself, I am no good to anyone else.  When those three things are in-sync, I am in-tune with other people's feelings, wants, and needs.  When in-sync, I am that smiling, chipper fellow with a twinkle in his eyes that someone whom once told me that everyone found so irresistible as a child.  So how do I battle this self-will?  Upon asking the question while typing, I was flashed with an action I used to do as a child when I was asked to do something I didn't want to do.  Somewhat of a simultaneous eye and head-roll with a whiny "Uuuugh, whhhhy?!"  This is basically what happen internally when faced between what should be done, the right thing and doing what I want to do, usually the wrong thing.  Again, how to do I fight it?  I gain the motivation with the inspiration of the last time I got something done that I needed to.  I "visualize" and feel the inner sensation of accomplishment.  I remember that mini-success achieved by winning a past battle with procrastination.  I recall how feelings achieve by just getting to the task and completing it propelled me through the rest of day and into the following days.  What motivates me in these situations is really those good feelings achieved by doing those productive things and having that sense of success.  You see, I've always loved feeling good. The problem was with alcoholism, I was dependent on being intoxicated to experience those feeling.  I couldn't handle coming down from those synthesized good feelings so I continued that blurred existences until my body couldn't handle it anymore or until the money was all gone.  Now, I have an opportunity to become "addicted" to healthy good feelings achieved by doing the things that are necessary, right, and actively bring me close to the goals I have in place.
I was texting someone sometime ago and was hit with one of those "Aha" moments.  I was emotionally struggling with accepting where I was with my career and financially.  First of all, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Second, it all falls on me.  If I am not liking where I am and I am not doing anything about it, where am I going to continue to be?  Ya, exactly where I am not wanting to be.  I get inspired by certain quotes, but if I am allowing my fears or sloth to continue to be the main driving force in my life, I can have all the willingness and inspiration in the world and still will not act.  Willingness alone does nothing for me.  Through experience, once I fight through sloth and fear and do what I know I can do, everything begins coming my way, I feel great and those great feelings, as said before, have a multiplier effect through the added motivation they cause.
So for me to get things done and battle fear and sloth, I have to remember the good and just act without thinking, justifying, or remaining to committed to my will.  I will always remember the quote from Vanilla Sky, "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

The Bright-Side of Being Sober and Single on Valentine's Day/The Friendship Factor

Ending the Dance - Addiction and Recovery: Title: Valentine's Day Special - Friendship Factor...: "Title: Valentine's Day Special - Friendship Factor addition What a great day today is, isn't it. The great Valentine's Day. A day of love..."

Title: Valentine's Day Special - Friendship Factor addition

What a great day today is, isn't it. The great Valentine's Day. A day of love. Yes, some may dread this day. Singles, men who've don't know what to get their partner, people who've been hurt on this day, and many more may prefer to hide quietly until this particular 24 hours pass. Me, we all well know that I'm under the single category. We all know that I have, at times, become impatient over this status. It's not my time yet. I understand that, it's all good. In the meantime, I am getting to know myself without the influence of anyone else's personality, values, and persuasions. I am continually developing my own without making any concessions. Day by day, I am becoming my own man. Day by day, I am becoming more solid in my thoughts, views, preferences, and ideologies. The more solid I become, the less I care what others are thinking. That, my friends, was a massive problem with me. Don't get me wrong, it's still there. It's just less and less. Besides, I heard someone say whatever someone is thinking or thinks of you is none of your damn business. I'm not sure if I've shared that before, but "meh" I've shared it again.
I've gone through life with many female friends. Some of them, I wanted much more from the relationship. I've racked my brain long and hard over this "friendship factor" dilemma. I've hated those situations for a long time. I wondered why. One glaring reason, could very well be that I was tolerable (to some) as a friend while I was blindly living my drunken life of irresponsibility and selfishness. What's become apparent though, was with the lovely ladies that did give this "exciting and funny" (at times...usually the beginning) a shot at a more intimate relationship eventually realized that it wasn't a fantastic idea to live the rest of their lives with this loose-cannon of a man-child. Really, I didn't allow it to continue as I've shared before with my not-so-appropriate behaviour. What happened with a few of them is that we don't even have a friendship anymore. This is exactly where my focus shifts to a positive tone. I realize that if I didn't fall into the friendship mode with some of these fantastic ladies, it's very probable that they would NOT be in my life today. So instead of being perhaps bummed out or always wondering what could've been I, now, am forever grateful of how life has unfolded with my female friendships. Here's the thing, that "friendship factor" has unbelieveably great consequences for me. I am confided in with certain problems that arise. They want a man's point of view with things. As a natural trade-off, in waiting for my unique male point of view, I hear and listen to their issues, their feelings, and their points of view. What happens is that I gain a better understanding of people, in particular, the wonderful woman. This better prepares me for being partner in the future. Yes, everyone's different, but it's better than nothing and living ignorrantly. Sure, I'll still make some mistakes in the future, but I'll avoid some, as well...BOOYAH! Before I end on this section, I'll share this well-known quote...

"Behind every great man there's a great woman."

I thought of that yesterday (no, I don't mean made it up...HA!), in fact, and wanted to find out more about the quote. In doing so, I found an even better quote....I'll get to it in a minute. A few of you know that I feel that I am very far from my potential and that great things are destined for me. I know its not too humble, but it's something that's there and I doubt will ever go way until I achieve what I am supposed to. I don't know when it will happen, but it will. Alright, back to the quote...as said, I found an even better one.

"They said, behind every great man there's a great woman, while I'm not great a man, there's a great woman behind me." -Meryll Frost.

You see, I'm not great yet, but I have a beautiful advantage of having not just one great woman behind me, but many acting as a great multiplier in motivation, love, and support in my life's successes and journey. You know exactly who you are and I don't have to say your names. I must say thank you to you; family and friends of the lady persuasion....from raising me while young and as an adult to being a friend with the worst of me and best of me. I love you and Happy Valentine's Day.

So, on to what Valentine's Day means to me as a sober single. One, it's not a reason to get all bent out of shape for not having a loved one to share it with. A little secret (well, not anymore) is that I do have plenty of loved one's to share this day and my love with; family, friends, and even people that I may not be too particularity fond of, and vise versa. I spent the majority of my Valentine's morning texting the people I care for, letting them know that they are in my thoughts. Would I be doing this if I was all hungover? Nope! Would I be doing it if I was drunk? Probably, but it would be genuine as it has been today. I wouldn't be feeling the true nature of who is in my life and the effects that they have on me on the inside. Let me create a visual. Who can picture me smiling? Well take that, and imagine me doing that while texting and receiving text. Imagine me, by myself without having anyone around me physically, smiling. No comedy is being watched...just me smiling because of the thoughts of my peoples. I said I was by myself, but that's not entirely true. I have my loved ones close to me. You are in my thoughts. You are in my heart. You are around me in spirit.
With all this in mind, how could I ever feel lonely on Valentine's Day? You know what, it really just dawned on me that this can go for any day. Any day that I feel myself. Sometimes, I just need to be inspired to see things differently. Today, I am inspired. Loved ones, this is another day that change has occurred; another turning-point. Not another moment or day do I allow myself the excuse of feeling lonely...not anymore.

One more thing...Happy One Year Jeff. I know you'll be reading this, Brother. I am glad that we came into each others' lives when and where we did. I feel blessed to have your on-going support, kind words, brotherhood, and love in my life. Give yourself a pat on the back. You finding and remaining with God, being there for your family and others, me included, has kept you grounded and on path during this journey. Here's to many more years for us!

"A Friend may well be reckoned as the Materpiece of Nature."
-Ralph Emerson Waldo

Title: Mom's Life Lessons

I don't know if I said this before, but I've run into to some fear issues regarding contributing to End the Dance. It has come up in relationship and has been a factor in the, in hindsight insurmountable, judgment of yours truly. That's all good though. It's in the passed, water under the bridge, and we move on. I guess I have to wonder to myself whether it's going to happen again. If it does, will my passed be able to be forgiven. The perfect answer is yes and although we are imperfect people who make an imperfect world living on a perfect planet, I believe 100% that this perfect scenario will be mine.
In addition to the above, another fear that has come to fester inside is that it will affect me securing my career, or even stepping stone, learning employment opportunities. Curious, I googled my name and up came results relating to these posts. Now yes, I'm damn proud of me which means that I should be proud of my past because who I am now is the sum of my past experiences, right? Well, let's be real about it, I'm not proud of my past. Shit, I haven't even fully forgiven myself for some the things I've done. If I haven't forgiven myself fully, how do I expect others especially potential employers, that do not understand, that google me and come across these posts, to look past my past and make an unbias hiring decision based on my skills and unlimited potential? The perfect answer is same as the one before. At the end of the day, I have to look into my heart, strengthen my faith, and reinforce that inner state of me knowing that I'm being taken care of and that I will be the recipient of that perfect answer for employment as well. So there you have it, another example of a temporarily paralyzing fear that prevented me from sharing the love in my heart and the good/bad thoughts in my head. No joke, everyday, I come up with contributions in my head.
On a selfish note, my mental contributions brings me almost the same benefits as it does through actually sharing them online. It is selfish though since I'm keeping everything to myself. I must have forgot what my Mom taught me about sharing for a bit. Funny thing, up until my teenages years, LATE teenage years maybe into LATE twenties, my Mom tried hard to instill giving attitude. I remember, I would get a Mars bar (my favourite) and I would always just devour it in the passenger seat while she drove. I might add that it was she that always bought the things for me and that when driving, she was usually driving me to a friend's place...unthankful tasks PS. These were and are still part of her giving nature. So ya, I would just devour the chocolaty deliciousness. Time after time, she would try and teach me that I should at least off a piece. In one ear and out the other. Are kidding me, that did not register even a little bit. That was a hell of a lesson for ignore. Although, we should be giving because it the right thing to do rather than it expectation for it to be reciprocated, it is remembered and great things come to those that give. Whether it a smile, a compliment, a gesture or simply it's my favourite chocolate bar, I going to continue to try and remember what my Mom taught me for years; give it away and share when I can.

Glad to be back...

Don't fear...Act.
Don't wonder...Discover.
Don't doubt...Try.

A Return a Year Later

Well, I'm back in Windsor a year hence. I haven't returned to the place where it all began since March. Now the meetings that I go to where I live keep me sober as proven in where I am today, but "home" offers something so much more. As soon as I walked into the building, I was overcome by a rush of love, peace, and safety. Immediately, I saw old friends that welcomed me with smiles and hugs. Yes, gentlemen smiling and hugging. I've said it before that people just want to be loved. This weekend has reinforced that that's what this place does. It teaches us to love one another. That is exactly how I felt during this visit; loved. Through this experience, my appreciation and love has been renewed for those that are in my life all the time. I feel that I, perhaps, have been becoming complacent with those nearest to me. All weekend, I've been thinking of them with love and gratitude. I am a very blessed individual.
I was asked to share in front of the program and alumni. Nervous? Yes. The beautiful thing now is that I've been given the strength to work through nervousness, anxiety and fear. I had an opportunity to talk deeply with old friends, new gentlemen/new friends. It's amazing that although I was gone for such a long time that this program allows one to fall right back into step. I walked into that place last December emotional. I walked into that building embarrassed and anger about me being so emotional. Others walk in unable or unwilling feel. When I graduated, I was balling, but I was proud of me being that emotional. As I watched the graduates today, I began to tear up with a smile on my face. I teared up because I was feeling what they were feeling. I knew exactly what they were feeling. I was smiling, as I do every time I see another alcoholic show what's going on inside, because I was witnessing the program that works. Going from insecurity to strength in one's self is a seemingly impossible task. It's not. This place has been proving that wrong for almost a half a century.
We have been holding things in, ignoring our feelings, allowing our pride/fears to reach unmanageable levels to the point where we have turn to self-medication to falsely deal with everything. We find this place "where people need people." We begin to think and rely on others instead of ourselves. We begin to share and listen learning that we are not alone. We begin to learn that in weakness comes strength. We finally begin to learn to live. We finally began to recover.

Untitled

Hi Friends,

It's been a long, long time. I've been doing well since my last post. Ups, downs, and everything in between. Progression and learning have been main points of my life. The year is almost here. 2 or 3 weeks away and I believe I have come to learn my greatest lesson.

At the beginning of my work season, I shared my struggles with accepting other people. Accepting their imperfections was a great challenge for me. I talked behind people's backs, resented them, envied them...everything negative I managed to focus on. Life's a gift. Life is full of the unknown. We don't know when our last day is, we don't know when we'll get terrible news about our health. We may think that we dislike someone; dislike them over remarkably petty reasons. Personally, I sometimes have trouble realizing what's really important. I've written the differences, but in daily life, I lose sight and focus on what matters; until I reflect. After receiving some news about someone, I have had an indispensable opportunity to bring things back into focus. After receiving this news, I am flushed with some guilt, sadness and empathy. Guilt for not appreciating someone for who they are, for them being one of God's children, for the good that is in them. Sadness and empathy for this person's loved ones, for his new wife, for him who has to deal with his new knowledge of the truth.

Life's too precious to take for granted and to not appreciate. If we have become complacent with letting those whom we love know how we feel, change it. If we are treating others as less thens or with judgement, change it. If we are not being the loving human beings that we were meant to be, CHANGE IT!

I read somewhere something along these lines: "God waits until one's end of days to pass judgement, what gives me the right to do so before that?"