The Bright-Side of Being Sober and Single on Valentine's Day/The Friendship Factor

Ending the Dance - Addiction and Recovery: Title: Valentine's Day Special - Friendship Factor...: "Title: Valentine's Day Special - Friendship Factor addition What a great day today is, isn't it. The great Valentine's Day. A day of love..."

Title: Valentine's Day Special - Friendship Factor addition

What a great day today is, isn't it. The great Valentine's Day. A day of love. Yes, some may dread this day. Singles, men who've don't know what to get their partner, people who've been hurt on this day, and many more may prefer to hide quietly until this particular 24 hours pass. Me, we all well know that I'm under the single category. We all know that I have, at times, become impatient over this status. It's not my time yet. I understand that, it's all good. In the meantime, I am getting to know myself without the influence of anyone else's personality, values, and persuasions. I am continually developing my own without making any concessions. Day by day, I am becoming my own man. Day by day, I am becoming more solid in my thoughts, views, preferences, and ideologies. The more solid I become, the less I care what others are thinking. That, my friends, was a massive problem with me. Don't get me wrong, it's still there. It's just less and less. Besides, I heard someone say whatever someone is thinking or thinks of you is none of your damn business. I'm not sure if I've shared that before, but "meh" I've shared it again.
I've gone through life with many female friends. Some of them, I wanted much more from the relationship. I've racked my brain long and hard over this "friendship factor" dilemma. I've hated those situations for a long time. I wondered why. One glaring reason, could very well be that I was tolerable (to some) as a friend while I was blindly living my drunken life of irresponsibility and selfishness. What's become apparent though, was with the lovely ladies that did give this "exciting and funny" (at times...usually the beginning) a shot at a more intimate relationship eventually realized that it wasn't a fantastic idea to live the rest of their lives with this loose-cannon of a man-child. Really, I didn't allow it to continue as I've shared before with my not-so-appropriate behaviour. What happened with a few of them is that we don't even have a friendship anymore. This is exactly where my focus shifts to a positive tone. I realize that if I didn't fall into the friendship mode with some of these fantastic ladies, it's very probable that they would NOT be in my life today. So instead of being perhaps bummed out or always wondering what could've been I, now, am forever grateful of how life has unfolded with my female friendships. Here's the thing, that "friendship factor" has unbelieveably great consequences for me. I am confided in with certain problems that arise. They want a man's point of view with things. As a natural trade-off, in waiting for my unique male point of view, I hear and listen to their issues, their feelings, and their points of view. What happens is that I gain a better understanding of people, in particular, the wonderful woman. This better prepares me for being partner in the future. Yes, everyone's different, but it's better than nothing and living ignorrantly. Sure, I'll still make some mistakes in the future, but I'll avoid some, as well...BOOYAH! Before I end on this section, I'll share this well-known quote...

"Behind every great man there's a great woman."

I thought of that yesterday (no, I don't mean made it up...HA!), in fact, and wanted to find out more about the quote. In doing so, I found an even better quote....I'll get to it in a minute. A few of you know that I feel that I am very far from my potential and that great things are destined for me. I know its not too humble, but it's something that's there and I doubt will ever go way until I achieve what I am supposed to. I don't know when it will happen, but it will. Alright, back to the quote...as said, I found an even better one.

"They said, behind every great man there's a great woman, while I'm not great a man, there's a great woman behind me." -Meryll Frost.

You see, I'm not great yet, but I have a beautiful advantage of having not just one great woman behind me, but many acting as a great multiplier in motivation, love, and support in my life's successes and journey. You know exactly who you are and I don't have to say your names. I must say thank you to you; family and friends of the lady persuasion....from raising me while young and as an adult to being a friend with the worst of me and best of me. I love you and Happy Valentine's Day.

So, on to what Valentine's Day means to me as a sober single. One, it's not a reason to get all bent out of shape for not having a loved one to share it with. A little secret (well, not anymore) is that I do have plenty of loved one's to share this day and my love with; family, friends, and even people that I may not be too particularity fond of, and vise versa. I spent the majority of my Valentine's morning texting the people I care for, letting them know that they are in my thoughts. Would I be doing this if I was all hungover? Nope! Would I be doing it if I was drunk? Probably, but it would be genuine as it has been today. I wouldn't be feeling the true nature of who is in my life and the effects that they have on me on the inside. Let me create a visual. Who can picture me smiling? Well take that, and imagine me doing that while texting and receiving text. Imagine me, by myself without having anyone around me physically, smiling. No comedy is being watched...just me smiling because of the thoughts of my peoples. I said I was by myself, but that's not entirely true. I have my loved ones close to me. You are in my thoughts. You are in my heart. You are around me in spirit.
With all this in mind, how could I ever feel lonely on Valentine's Day? You know what, it really just dawned on me that this can go for any day. Any day that I feel myself. Sometimes, I just need to be inspired to see things differently. Today, I am inspired. Loved ones, this is another day that change has occurred; another turning-point. Not another moment or day do I allow myself the excuse of feeling lonely...not anymore.

One more thing...Happy One Year Jeff. I know you'll be reading this, Brother. I am glad that we came into each others' lives when and where we did. I feel blessed to have your on-going support, kind words, brotherhood, and love in my life. Give yourself a pat on the back. You finding and remaining with God, being there for your family and others, me included, has kept you grounded and on path during this journey. Here's to many more years for us!

"A Friend may well be reckoned as the Materpiece of Nature."
-Ralph Emerson Waldo

Title: Mom's Life Lessons

I don't know if I said this before, but I've run into to some fear issues regarding contributing to End the Dance. It has come up in relationship and has been a factor in the, in hindsight insurmountable, judgment of yours truly. That's all good though. It's in the passed, water under the bridge, and we move on. I guess I have to wonder to myself whether it's going to happen again. If it does, will my passed be able to be forgiven. The perfect answer is yes and although we are imperfect people who make an imperfect world living on a perfect planet, I believe 100% that this perfect scenario will be mine.
In addition to the above, another fear that has come to fester inside is that it will affect me securing my career, or even stepping stone, learning employment opportunities. Curious, I googled my name and up came results relating to these posts. Now yes, I'm damn proud of me which means that I should be proud of my past because who I am now is the sum of my past experiences, right? Well, let's be real about it, I'm not proud of my past. Shit, I haven't even fully forgiven myself for some the things I've done. If I haven't forgiven myself fully, how do I expect others especially potential employers, that do not understand, that google me and come across these posts, to look past my past and make an unbias hiring decision based on my skills and unlimited potential? The perfect answer is same as the one before. At the end of the day, I have to look into my heart, strengthen my faith, and reinforce that inner state of me knowing that I'm being taken care of and that I will be the recipient of that perfect answer for employment as well. So there you have it, another example of a temporarily paralyzing fear that prevented me from sharing the love in my heart and the good/bad thoughts in my head. No joke, everyday, I come up with contributions in my head.
On a selfish note, my mental contributions brings me almost the same benefits as it does through actually sharing them online. It is selfish though since I'm keeping everything to myself. I must have forgot what my Mom taught me about sharing for a bit. Funny thing, up until my teenages years, LATE teenage years maybe into LATE twenties, my Mom tried hard to instill giving attitude. I remember, I would get a Mars bar (my favourite) and I would always just devour it in the passenger seat while she drove. I might add that it was she that always bought the things for me and that when driving, she was usually driving me to a friend's place...unthankful tasks PS. These were and are still part of her giving nature. So ya, I would just devour the chocolaty deliciousness. Time after time, she would try and teach me that I should at least off a piece. In one ear and out the other. Are kidding me, that did not register even a little bit. That was a hell of a lesson for ignore. Although, we should be giving because it the right thing to do rather than it expectation for it to be reciprocated, it is remembered and great things come to those that give. Whether it a smile, a compliment, a gesture or simply it's my favourite chocolate bar, I going to continue to try and remember what my Mom taught me for years; give it away and share when I can.

Glad to be back...

Don't fear...Act.
Don't wonder...Discover.
Don't doubt...Try.

A Return a Year Later

Well, I'm back in Windsor a year hence. I haven't returned to the place where it all began since March. Now the meetings that I go to where I live keep me sober as proven in where I am today, but "home" offers something so much more. As soon as I walked into the building, I was overcome by a rush of love, peace, and safety. Immediately, I saw old friends that welcomed me with smiles and hugs. Yes, gentlemen smiling and hugging. I've said it before that people just want to be loved. This weekend has reinforced that that's what this place does. It teaches us to love one another. That is exactly how I felt during this visit; loved. Through this experience, my appreciation and love has been renewed for those that are in my life all the time. I feel that I, perhaps, have been becoming complacent with those nearest to me. All weekend, I've been thinking of them with love and gratitude. I am a very blessed individual.
I was asked to share in front of the program and alumni. Nervous? Yes. The beautiful thing now is that I've been given the strength to work through nervousness, anxiety and fear. I had an opportunity to talk deeply with old friends, new gentlemen/new friends. It's amazing that although I was gone for such a long time that this program allows one to fall right back into step. I walked into that place last December emotional. I walked into that building embarrassed and anger about me being so emotional. Others walk in unable or unwilling feel. When I graduated, I was balling, but I was proud of me being that emotional. As I watched the graduates today, I began to tear up with a smile on my face. I teared up because I was feeling what they were feeling. I knew exactly what they were feeling. I was smiling, as I do every time I see another alcoholic show what's going on inside, because I was witnessing the program that works. Going from insecurity to strength in one's self is a seemingly impossible task. It's not. This place has been proving that wrong for almost a half a century.
We have been holding things in, ignoring our feelings, allowing our pride/fears to reach unmanageable levels to the point where we have turn to self-medication to falsely deal with everything. We find this place "where people need people." We begin to think and rely on others instead of ourselves. We begin to share and listen learning that we are not alone. We begin to learn that in weakness comes strength. We finally begin to learn to live. We finally began to recover.

Untitled

Hi Friends,

It's been a long, long time. I've been doing well since my last post. Ups, downs, and everything in between. Progression and learning have been main points of my life. The year is almost here. 2 or 3 weeks away and I believe I have come to learn my greatest lesson.

At the beginning of my work season, I shared my struggles with accepting other people. Accepting their imperfections was a great challenge for me. I talked behind people's backs, resented them, envied them...everything negative I managed to focus on. Life's a gift. Life is full of the unknown. We don't know when our last day is, we don't know when we'll get terrible news about our health. We may think that we dislike someone; dislike them over remarkably petty reasons. Personally, I sometimes have trouble realizing what's really important. I've written the differences, but in daily life, I lose sight and focus on what matters; until I reflect. After receiving some news about someone, I have had an indispensable opportunity to bring things back into focus. After receiving this news, I am flushed with some guilt, sadness and empathy. Guilt for not appreciating someone for who they are, for them being one of God's children, for the good that is in them. Sadness and empathy for this person's loved ones, for his new wife, for him who has to deal with his new knowledge of the truth.

Life's too precious to take for granted and to not appreciate. If we have become complacent with letting those whom we love know how we feel, change it. If we are treating others as less thens or with judgement, change it. If we are not being the loving human beings that we were meant to be, CHANGE IT!

I read somewhere something along these lines: "God waits until one's end of days to pass judgement, what gives me the right to do so before that?"

A taste of the sweet....

So last night, I was laying there, watching tv, and texting to some people...weird, me text? All of a sudden, I realized that I had a goofy little grin on my face. I wasn't watching anything amusing so there was absolutely no reason for me to be grinning. The only other time that I've had goofy grins are when I was thinking of a special person, or if well, I'm not going to get into that...there's young eyes reading this...lol! I came to realize that I was in a state of contentment, a state of happiness. I came to realize that last night I was feeling the best I have in about 2 months. I was rocking goofy grins back then, too. They weren't about what I was experiencing last night and actually, tonight. Last night, I caught a glimpse at what I've written about what I am trying to acheive...happiness and inner peace. Tonight, I feel even better. As I type this and as I've had since about 8 o'clock, I continue to sport this grin. Over the past hour, I've shared with others about my current experiences, I've listened, and I've smiled, giggled, and laughed to the point of tears. I really don't need to write anymore. There was an issue today at work regarding someone else ignorance, but it doesn't even matter. That's their problem not mine. What matters is me feeling through these positive emotions and appreciating them. I know there will be plenty more in the future. Maybe the greatest part of this is that when I do experience these moments, I will remember them because I am sober. I will remember them because this is what I am striving for. Although I may, no will, go through tough times, I will continue to truly experience them in a sober way so that I know the sweet from the bitter. I love accomplishing things and me reaching this level of peace and happiness is truly an accomplishment.

Omit Ego and Pride...Substitute with Humility and Acceptance

Another month has come into my sobriety. 9 months...3/4 of a year! Yes, I am good at math. I am feeling excellent. Earlier this week, not too excellent. I was doing a lot of dwelling, fighting to battle self-pity, second-guessing myself, and allowing my mind to be somewhere else and not on myself. Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be concentrating on me. If I don't make me number 1, I will never be able to be as best as I can be for everyone else. As you know, I do a lot of reflection throughout the day and during this past week, I have become stronger through more self-discovery. This neither is new to me nor is it to a certain few, but I really dislike not getting my own way. I dislike losing. I dislike being told things about myself that are negative. Initially, I do not take to these things to well. How would my emotional process be? Let see...frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and acceptance. What happens when acceptance occurs? A chance for learning which, in turn, leads to strengthening and growth. Flat out, I still am trying to figure out the not getting my own way issue...that shit is entrenched in me and will take some time to alleviate myself of it. When it comes to losing it's a matter of my pride and ego being bruised. It will always happen, those things being bruised, it just how I deal with it that'll make the difference. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't always have to happen. If I continue to humble myself, expect less of myself and others, and accept things for what they are, I can lessen the bruising. Yes, I hate losing in sports, but this is not what this is about. This is deeper, but in line with a competitive game. If I am trying to sell myself, my point, my wants, etc and it the outcome turn out the way I want...hmmm weird, I sense a tie in with something previously said, I feel that I have lost. So me not liking losing parallels me not getting my own way...may seem obvious, but I took me this writing to piece that together. Also, it is about setting my expectation to a certain level or outcome while not allowing the possibility of anything less or different that contributes me not accepting what happens. This then causes me to feel all the negative emotions that I prefer not to experience. These negative emotions are inevitable, but if I can lessen the experience through more acceptance and less expectation, why not?
As for being told things about myself that are negative. Hate it! Again, it's about my pride and ego. How dare someone say something about me, to me, with maybe the intentions to give me an opportunity to improve on myself. Really, I love my reflection. I welcome the self-discovery. Notice, the MY reflection and the SELF-discovery. I like the feeling of doing things myself; that feeling of accomplishment. Come on though, I am pretty bias to myself. After all, I have the ego and pride. Yes, I am as honest to myself as I have ever been in my life, but wouldn't someone else's caring opinion hold some truth? After all, if it wasn't for the people in my life that I pushed away, hurt with my self-destruction, that love me, if it wasn't for their consistent reminder of what was really going on with me, who would I still be? Where would I be? I wouldn't be me...I denied their observations, their feelings for so long and it only caused pain, shame, and blame. What happened when I decided to take into consideration what these people, you people, my family and friends, what you had to say? I saw it. I accepted it. I was able to see that I needed help. I got help. I have you all back in my life...the way you are supposed to be in my life...and I you. I took so long because I didn't like what you were saying about me. I didn't believe it. I thought how dare you. I came up with excuses. Why? Refer to the part where I said that I'm pretty bias of myself. Now, I still fight and dislike it, initial, but after, I am seeing this tidbits of infomation as truths that I don't want to see right away. That's what they are; they are truths. The people that I have in my life aren't going to say anything to me to hurt me. If it's negative, it's because I need to see something that I may be blind to. It love that they are offering me. Love to a better me. Let's boil it down to this: I need to work very hard at replacing my ego and pride, little by little, with humility and acceptance. By doing this, my dislikes will lessen and my joy and contentment will increase. An increase in joy and contentment will bring me closer to me being the best that I can be for everyone of you.