A Return a Year Later

Well, I'm back in Windsor a year hence. I haven't returned to the place where it all began since March. Now the meetings that I go to where I live keep me sober as proven in where I am today, but "home" offers something so much more. As soon as I walked into the building, I was overcome by a rush of love, peace, and safety. Immediately, I saw old friends that welcomed me with smiles and hugs. Yes, gentlemen smiling and hugging. I've said it before that people just want to be loved. This weekend has reinforced that that's what this place does. It teaches us to love one another. That is exactly how I felt during this visit; loved. Through this experience, my appreciation and love has been renewed for those that are in my life all the time. I feel that I, perhaps, have been becoming complacent with those nearest to me. All weekend, I've been thinking of them with love and gratitude. I am a very blessed individual.
I was asked to share in front of the program and alumni. Nervous? Yes. The beautiful thing now is that I've been given the strength to work through nervousness, anxiety and fear. I had an opportunity to talk deeply with old friends, new gentlemen/new friends. It's amazing that although I was gone for such a long time that this program allows one to fall right back into step. I walked into that place last December emotional. I walked into that building embarrassed and anger about me being so emotional. Others walk in unable or unwilling feel. When I graduated, I was balling, but I was proud of me being that emotional. As I watched the graduates today, I began to tear up with a smile on my face. I teared up because I was feeling what they were feeling. I knew exactly what they were feeling. I was smiling, as I do every time I see another alcoholic show what's going on inside, because I was witnessing the program that works. Going from insecurity to strength in one's self is a seemingly impossible task. It's not. This place has been proving that wrong for almost a half a century.
We have been holding things in, ignoring our feelings, allowing our pride/fears to reach unmanageable levels to the point where we have turn to self-medication to falsely deal with everything. We find this place "where people need people." We begin to think and rely on others instead of ourselves. We begin to share and listen learning that we are not alone. We begin to learn that in weakness comes strength. We finally begin to learn to live. We finally began to recover.

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Hi Friends,

It's been a long, long time. I've been doing well since my last post. Ups, downs, and everything in between. Progression and learning have been main points of my life. The year is almost here. 2 or 3 weeks away and I believe I have come to learn my greatest lesson.

At the beginning of my work season, I shared my struggles with accepting other people. Accepting their imperfections was a great challenge for me. I talked behind people's backs, resented them, envied them...everything negative I managed to focus on. Life's a gift. Life is full of the unknown. We don't know when our last day is, we don't know when we'll get terrible news about our health. We may think that we dislike someone; dislike them over remarkably petty reasons. Personally, I sometimes have trouble realizing what's really important. I've written the differences, but in daily life, I lose sight and focus on what matters; until I reflect. After receiving some news about someone, I have had an indispensable opportunity to bring things back into focus. After receiving this news, I am flushed with some guilt, sadness and empathy. Guilt for not appreciating someone for who they are, for them being one of God's children, for the good that is in them. Sadness and empathy for this person's loved ones, for his new wife, for him who has to deal with his new knowledge of the truth.

Life's too precious to take for granted and to not appreciate. If we have become complacent with letting those whom we love know how we feel, change it. If we are treating others as less thens or with judgement, change it. If we are not being the loving human beings that we were meant to be, CHANGE IT!

I read somewhere something along these lines: "God waits until one's end of days to pass judgement, what gives me the right to do so before that?"

A taste of the sweet....

So last night, I was laying there, watching tv, and texting to some people...weird, me text? All of a sudden, I realized that I had a goofy little grin on my face. I wasn't watching anything amusing so there was absolutely no reason for me to be grinning. The only other time that I've had goofy grins are when I was thinking of a special person, or if well, I'm not going to get into that...there's young eyes reading this...lol! I came to realize that I was in a state of contentment, a state of happiness. I came to realize that last night I was feeling the best I have in about 2 months. I was rocking goofy grins back then, too. They weren't about what I was experiencing last night and actually, tonight. Last night, I caught a glimpse at what I've written about what I am trying to acheive...happiness and inner peace. Tonight, I feel even better. As I type this and as I've had since about 8 o'clock, I continue to sport this grin. Over the past hour, I've shared with others about my current experiences, I've listened, and I've smiled, giggled, and laughed to the point of tears. I really don't need to write anymore. There was an issue today at work regarding someone else ignorance, but it doesn't even matter. That's their problem not mine. What matters is me feeling through these positive emotions and appreciating them. I know there will be plenty more in the future. Maybe the greatest part of this is that when I do experience these moments, I will remember them because I am sober. I will remember them because this is what I am striving for. Although I may, no will, go through tough times, I will continue to truly experience them in a sober way so that I know the sweet from the bitter. I love accomplishing things and me reaching this level of peace and happiness is truly an accomplishment.

Omit Ego and Pride...Substitute with Humility and Acceptance

Another month has come into my sobriety. 9 months...3/4 of a year! Yes, I am good at math. I am feeling excellent. Earlier this week, not too excellent. I was doing a lot of dwelling, fighting to battle self-pity, second-guessing myself, and allowing my mind to be somewhere else and not on myself. Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be concentrating on me. If I don't make me number 1, I will never be able to be as best as I can be for everyone else. As you know, I do a lot of reflection throughout the day and during this past week, I have become stronger through more self-discovery. This neither is new to me nor is it to a certain few, but I really dislike not getting my own way. I dislike losing. I dislike being told things about myself that are negative. Initially, I do not take to these things to well. How would my emotional process be? Let see...frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and acceptance. What happens when acceptance occurs? A chance for learning which, in turn, leads to strengthening and growth. Flat out, I still am trying to figure out the not getting my own way issue...that shit is entrenched in me and will take some time to alleviate myself of it. When it comes to losing it's a matter of my pride and ego being bruised. It will always happen, those things being bruised, it just how I deal with it that'll make the difference. Actually, on second thought, it doesn't always have to happen. If I continue to humble myself, expect less of myself and others, and accept things for what they are, I can lessen the bruising. Yes, I hate losing in sports, but this is not what this is about. This is deeper, but in line with a competitive game. If I am trying to sell myself, my point, my wants, etc and it the outcome turn out the way I want...hmmm weird, I sense a tie in with something previously said, I feel that I have lost. So me not liking losing parallels me not getting my own way...may seem obvious, but I took me this writing to piece that together. Also, it is about setting my expectation to a certain level or outcome while not allowing the possibility of anything less or different that contributes me not accepting what happens. This then causes me to feel all the negative emotions that I prefer not to experience. These negative emotions are inevitable, but if I can lessen the experience through more acceptance and less expectation, why not?
As for being told things about myself that are negative. Hate it! Again, it's about my pride and ego. How dare someone say something about me, to me, with maybe the intentions to give me an opportunity to improve on myself. Really, I love my reflection. I welcome the self-discovery. Notice, the MY reflection and the SELF-discovery. I like the feeling of doing things myself; that feeling of accomplishment. Come on though, I am pretty bias to myself. After all, I have the ego and pride. Yes, I am as honest to myself as I have ever been in my life, but wouldn't someone else's caring opinion hold some truth? After all, if it wasn't for the people in my life that I pushed away, hurt with my self-destruction, that love me, if it wasn't for their consistent reminder of what was really going on with me, who would I still be? Where would I be? I wouldn't be me...I denied their observations, their feelings for so long and it only caused pain, shame, and blame. What happened when I decided to take into consideration what these people, you people, my family and friends, what you had to say? I saw it. I accepted it. I was able to see that I needed help. I got help. I have you all back in my life...the way you are supposed to be in my life...and I you. I took so long because I didn't like what you were saying about me. I didn't believe it. I thought how dare you. I came up with excuses. Why? Refer to the part where I said that I'm pretty bias of myself. Now, I still fight and dislike it, initial, but after, I am seeing this tidbits of infomation as truths that I don't want to see right away. That's what they are; they are truths. The people that I have in my life aren't going to say anything to me to hurt me. If it's negative, it's because I need to see something that I may be blind to. It love that they are offering me. Love to a better me. Let's boil it down to this: I need to work very hard at replacing my ego and pride, little by little, with humility and acceptance. By doing this, my dislikes will lessen and my joy and contentment will increase. An increase in joy and contentment will bring me closer to me being the best that I can be for everyone of you.

What's Positive?

Well hello...

So there's a lot that's in this brain of mine. Somethings I want to share, others I do not. I've had a rough few days, but with every day passing, they become less and less rough. I feel that I can't or don't really want to talk to anybody about this shit that's going on. For one, I have been truly humbled to certain suggestions or advise that has been given to me. The humbling part is that I didn't listen and now I feel that I am going through unnecessary pain. Pain that complicates my process of achieve my inner-peace and happiness. I talked to people before about this shit and I went against others' opinions and tried to follow my heart even though my gut was warning me. It seems that when I do talk I get the same story...an appreciated story that is meant to make me feel better, but it's not really what I want to hear. I want to hear that everything is going to be alright and work themselves out...the way I want them to. I've got to realize though that everything will be alright and will work themselves out...just not the way I want them to right now. I now these clouds will pass and I'll understand what's in store for me in the future...when the future becomes the present. For now though, I fall back into dwelling on things that were said, wonders of things out of my control. Both of which, get me toward an very unhappy state. What do I have to be happy about is the real question? There is only one thing that is upsetting me today. There's only one TEMPORARILY bad thing in my life. That one TEMPORARILY bad thing is surrounded by an endless supply of PERMANENT good things. Permanent as long as I continue doing what I'm doing...and continue I shall. You know, it's amazing just how much my feelings are shown on the outside. I don't need to talk about things that are bothering me in order for people to know that there is something wrong. What's even more amazing is how much my demeanor can affect other people. If I'm feeling great, that greatness is sensed and shared with others. If I'm miserable, that misery, unfortunately, is passed on to others. I really never realized that until a friend let me know yesterday. Thank you to you. What else? Well, my Dad could tell that I was upset. He knew why. He tried to open the door a few times, but I didn't open up. Yesterday, he directly said to me that I was there for me to listen...that made my day brighter. Knowing he's there, gives me that little extra support when needed. Again yesterday, I came to another positive realization. I've made a friend. This person and I have been going through the same thing. Originally, this person came to me for sober advise because she respects me...WOW! ME! SOBER-ADVICE! RESPECT! 9 months ago that would have never happened (as I smile as I type that). Well, it's funny that I was giving her advise, but when it was time for me to take my own...BAHAHAHA...NO DICE!!! You know what? With her help and reminders to take what I've given...I have been and it has made things a touch better. Everybody knows I like friends...and I've got a new one. That also makes me happy.
It's crazy, I've written that when I'm left to my own mind that I can drive myself into a dark state. There is the other side of that as well. When I'm getting really sad, I begin thinking about writing and everything that I want to put into these entries. I've done it all day long every single one of these past few days of roughness. Every time, I begin feeling better, but when it's time to write...I forget the majority of what I want to share...LOL!!! That means laugh out loud even though I wasn't really doing that...still funny as shit though...(that just made me giggle). Anywho, there is a lot in me still, but I have to go to a much needed meeting since I haven't been since two Thursdays ago. All of you know that between writing this out and going to this meeting tonight that I'll be feeling like a million...no...billion bucks afterward. Look, I can see the sun peeking through already...

Stronger and More Appreciative

The clouds of the past few weeks have cleared and my eyes and mind remained clear. I want to share while things are going well rather than just when I am upset. Everything is back on track. Everything is where it's supposed to be. For the first time in my life, I faced emotional hardships head-on. I dealt with, felt through the pains. People have been there to support me and I have the ability to appreciate and accept that support. I have been telling people that I've been dealing with everything the way I have been supposed to be...the mature, sober way. In doing so, I have grown stronger and stronger. The old saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Again, there's new meanings to old sayings that I never took to the time to realize. Through these tough times, I've learned that life and time is precious, love is powerful, and support is indispensable. Also, I learned that left on it's own without being in the moment with others, my mind can and will think of the most negative things possible, re-live the past, and dwell on pain. People need people...very true for me. I never realized just how much I forgot that I love to love, love to be loved, love to be a friend, and love to have friends. I went from always being with friends, to only calling when I was drunk...I always felt that I couldn't find things to talk about while sober, but when I was drunk, I could talk about anything...the only problem was that usually "anything" was a lot of anything stupid!!! I have returned to always being with friends. Not face-to-face, but through other modes of contact. You know, with the shit I've done I could spend the rest of my days apologizing. I am not going to though because simply through what I am doing and returning to my old self, I don't need to. People love the new, old me. I love the new, old me. My lifestyle change is in itself an apology and a showing that I didn't like who I had become. I love who I am becoming...a modest, humble greatness is what I will become (yes, I do sense the contradicting tone of what I just said). My aim is to be great in my own rights with everyone that is and will be in my life. I aim to make a change for the positive with anyone I come into contact with. Tough? Sure, but I will give it an honest try. I have to...it's the least I can do to give back. Without family and friends being there to be worried about me, angry with me, I probably would have never seen what was becoming of me. Without those same family and friends expressing their support and pride in me, I would be feeling and seeing that immediate changes for the better in me. This is where the modesty and humility comes into play. Without others, there would not be a chance for me to change for the better. I am not doing this by myself. I am doing this with your help. I am doing this for you. More importantly, I am doing this for me. Most importantly, I am doing this for us!

Thinking, thinking, thinking...terrible, terrible, terrible

Well this day has been mother of all struggles of a day. I wish I could really articulate what the shit I was feeling today. Off the charts! I sometimes feel like the biggest hipocrite on the planet. I share my feelings, know how to deal with situations, but when I comes time to deal and feel, I almost complete fall apart. As you know, I am not a praying man, but I actually asked for strength today. Do you know how hard it is to hold in emotions at work...on a contruction site...surrounded by dudes...OH SHIIT!!! There was awhile were I had my 7 month chip in my mouth and remembering where I came from. I understand where I was back then even clearer now. The anxiety that I was fill with was atrocious! I took some time to calm down, really reflect and figure out what the root of this internal chaos was all about. Sure my emotional plate is full. It's okay to be in a little rough shape, but JEEZ get a grip.
Life tosses us plenty of curve-balls. With me, being all sober and whatnot, I really try to grab this life of love by the horns. I've always done things to the extreme. Even now, I am up to my same extreme antics, but in the opposite direction. When things are going well, I dive straight into it with any caution. Funny, my Pops, told me to proceed with things with an optomistic cautioun. How about that? I didn't listen and rode the wave...lesson learned. I was told by a man to do everything opposite of what I would do before. I definitely try my hardest to do that...again, sometimes to the extreme. Where's the balance? I am doing it right now though. Instead of suffering with my own thoughts, I share it and get it out. It's freeing. Today, I did something completely opposite of what I have done in the past. It was the hardest things that I have ever done...you have no idea! In the past, I would fight and claw until I got what I wanted...by any means necessary. Today, I had to let go and not try to fight what's going on here. Letting go...that's what really dealing with my past is all about...especially if it negative. It doesn't matter what was said or done 10, 5, 1 day ago...its doesn't matter what was said 20 minutes ago. It's been said or done. Yesterdays reality isn't necessary today's reality. I need to accept that, but it's far easier said that done....
...you know what? It's change of tone time. I just came back from meeting with someone. I also came back from my Wednesday group. I shared, I listened, I feel great now. I heard from someone while on my program in Windsor say that if I could just cut all your heads off, I could cure you all. I never understood it. I never understood it until tonight. I realized my self-propelled terrible day was a result of far too much thinking. Thinking of the past. Thinking of expectations. Thinking of things that are out of my control. Thinking, thinking, thinking. It took me to be around someone else chatting about what's bothering me, chatting about this, that, and the other thing to get me out of that terrible thinking to begin to feel better. My mind, left to run wild, will make me go crazy...as it did today. I understand what the gentleman meant now. Easy up on the thinking that are negative, out of my control, and not necessarily true. Half-way through that group, I was smiling and feeling like my normal self. It's true...everything passed...moods, pain, negativity only to be replaced with a calmness, a peace, a contentment. It's not going to last forever, but I will appreciate and enjoy it while I have it.
Enjoy your night, day, evening...whatever it is when you're reading this.
Your friend,
Trev...Trevor for long :)