What's Positive?

Well hello...

So there's a lot that's in this brain of mine. Somethings I want to share, others I do not. I've had a rough few days, but with every day passing, they become less and less rough. I feel that I can't or don't really want to talk to anybody about this shit that's going on. For one, I have been truly humbled to certain suggestions or advise that has been given to me. The humbling part is that I didn't listen and now I feel that I am going through unnecessary pain. Pain that complicates my process of achieve my inner-peace and happiness. I talked to people before about this shit and I went against others' opinions and tried to follow my heart even though my gut was warning me. It seems that when I do talk I get the same story...an appreciated story that is meant to make me feel better, but it's not really what I want to hear. I want to hear that everything is going to be alright and work themselves out...the way I want them to. I've got to realize though that everything will be alright and will work themselves out...just not the way I want them to right now. I now these clouds will pass and I'll understand what's in store for me in the future...when the future becomes the present. For now though, I fall back into dwelling on things that were said, wonders of things out of my control. Both of which, get me toward an very unhappy state. What do I have to be happy about is the real question? There is only one thing that is upsetting me today. There's only one TEMPORARILY bad thing in my life. That one TEMPORARILY bad thing is surrounded by an endless supply of PERMANENT good things. Permanent as long as I continue doing what I'm doing...and continue I shall. You know, it's amazing just how much my feelings are shown on the outside. I don't need to talk about things that are bothering me in order for people to know that there is something wrong. What's even more amazing is how much my demeanor can affect other people. If I'm feeling great, that greatness is sensed and shared with others. If I'm miserable, that misery, unfortunately, is passed on to others. I really never realized that until a friend let me know yesterday. Thank you to you. What else? Well, my Dad could tell that I was upset. He knew why. He tried to open the door a few times, but I didn't open up. Yesterday, he directly said to me that I was there for me to listen...that made my day brighter. Knowing he's there, gives me that little extra support when needed. Again yesterday, I came to another positive realization. I've made a friend. This person and I have been going through the same thing. Originally, this person came to me for sober advise because she respects me...WOW! ME! SOBER-ADVICE! RESPECT! 9 months ago that would have never happened (as I smile as I type that). Well, it's funny that I was giving her advise, but when it was time for me to take my own...BAHAHAHA...NO DICE!!! You know what? With her help and reminders to take what I've given...I have been and it has made things a touch better. Everybody knows I like friends...and I've got a new one. That also makes me happy.
It's crazy, I've written that when I'm left to my own mind that I can drive myself into a dark state. There is the other side of that as well. When I'm getting really sad, I begin thinking about writing and everything that I want to put into these entries. I've done it all day long every single one of these past few days of roughness. Every time, I begin feeling better, but when it's time to write...I forget the majority of what I want to share...LOL!!! That means laugh out loud even though I wasn't really doing that...still funny as shit though...(that just made me giggle). Anywho, there is a lot in me still, but I have to go to a much needed meeting since I haven't been since two Thursdays ago. All of you know that between writing this out and going to this meeting tonight that I'll be feeling like a million...no...billion bucks afterward. Look, I can see the sun peeking through already...

Stronger and More Appreciative

The clouds of the past few weeks have cleared and my eyes and mind remained clear. I want to share while things are going well rather than just when I am upset. Everything is back on track. Everything is where it's supposed to be. For the first time in my life, I faced emotional hardships head-on. I dealt with, felt through the pains. People have been there to support me and I have the ability to appreciate and accept that support. I have been telling people that I've been dealing with everything the way I have been supposed to be...the mature, sober way. In doing so, I have grown stronger and stronger. The old saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Again, there's new meanings to old sayings that I never took to the time to realize. Through these tough times, I've learned that life and time is precious, love is powerful, and support is indispensable. Also, I learned that left on it's own without being in the moment with others, my mind can and will think of the most negative things possible, re-live the past, and dwell on pain. People need people...very true for me. I never realized just how much I forgot that I love to love, love to be loved, love to be a friend, and love to have friends. I went from always being with friends, to only calling when I was drunk...I always felt that I couldn't find things to talk about while sober, but when I was drunk, I could talk about anything...the only problem was that usually "anything" was a lot of anything stupid!!! I have returned to always being with friends. Not face-to-face, but through other modes of contact. You know, with the shit I've done I could spend the rest of my days apologizing. I am not going to though because simply through what I am doing and returning to my old self, I don't need to. People love the new, old me. I love the new, old me. My lifestyle change is in itself an apology and a showing that I didn't like who I had become. I love who I am becoming...a modest, humble greatness is what I will become (yes, I do sense the contradicting tone of what I just said). My aim is to be great in my own rights with everyone that is and will be in my life. I aim to make a change for the positive with anyone I come into contact with. Tough? Sure, but I will give it an honest try. I have to...it's the least I can do to give back. Without family and friends being there to be worried about me, angry with me, I probably would have never seen what was becoming of me. Without those same family and friends expressing their support and pride in me, I would be feeling and seeing that immediate changes for the better in me. This is where the modesty and humility comes into play. Without others, there would not be a chance for me to change for the better. I am not doing this by myself. I am doing this with your help. I am doing this for you. More importantly, I am doing this for me. Most importantly, I am doing this for us!

Thinking, thinking, thinking...terrible, terrible, terrible

Well this day has been mother of all struggles of a day. I wish I could really articulate what the shit I was feeling today. Off the charts! I sometimes feel like the biggest hipocrite on the planet. I share my feelings, know how to deal with situations, but when I comes time to deal and feel, I almost complete fall apart. As you know, I am not a praying man, but I actually asked for strength today. Do you know how hard it is to hold in emotions at work...on a contruction site...surrounded by dudes...OH SHIIT!!! There was awhile were I had my 7 month chip in my mouth and remembering where I came from. I understand where I was back then even clearer now. The anxiety that I was fill with was atrocious! I took some time to calm down, really reflect and figure out what the root of this internal chaos was all about. Sure my emotional plate is full. It's okay to be in a little rough shape, but JEEZ get a grip.
Life tosses us plenty of curve-balls. With me, being all sober and whatnot, I really try to grab this life of love by the horns. I've always done things to the extreme. Even now, I am up to my same extreme antics, but in the opposite direction. When things are going well, I dive straight into it with any caution. Funny, my Pops, told me to proceed with things with an optomistic cautioun. How about that? I didn't listen and rode the wave...lesson learned. I was told by a man to do everything opposite of what I would do before. I definitely try my hardest to do that...again, sometimes to the extreme. Where's the balance? I am doing it right now though. Instead of suffering with my own thoughts, I share it and get it out. It's freeing. Today, I did something completely opposite of what I have done in the past. It was the hardest things that I have ever done...you have no idea! In the past, I would fight and claw until I got what I wanted...by any means necessary. Today, I had to let go and not try to fight what's going on here. Letting go...that's what really dealing with my past is all about...especially if it negative. It doesn't matter what was said or done 10, 5, 1 day ago...its doesn't matter what was said 20 minutes ago. It's been said or done. Yesterdays reality isn't necessary today's reality. I need to accept that, but it's far easier said that done....
...you know what? It's change of tone time. I just came back from meeting with someone. I also came back from my Wednesday group. I shared, I listened, I feel great now. I heard from someone while on my program in Windsor say that if I could just cut all your heads off, I could cure you all. I never understood it. I never understood it until tonight. I realized my self-propelled terrible day was a result of far too much thinking. Thinking of the past. Thinking of expectations. Thinking of things that are out of my control. Thinking, thinking, thinking. It took me to be around someone else chatting about what's bothering me, chatting about this, that, and the other thing to get me out of that terrible thinking to begin to feel better. My mind, left to run wild, will make me go crazy...as it did today. I understand what the gentleman meant now. Easy up on the thinking that are negative, out of my control, and not necessarily true. Half-way through that group, I was smiling and feeling like my normal self. It's true...everything passed...moods, pain, negativity only to be replaced with a calmness, a peace, a contentment. It's not going to last forever, but I will appreciate and enjoy it while I have it.
Enjoy your night, day, evening...whatever it is when you're reading this.
Your friend,
Trev...Trevor for long :)

Double Whammy Challenge - I'm Ready

It's the last day of my 7th months of sobriety. Tomorrow is the beginning of my 8th. In the past 8 months, I've had my ups and downs. Most of it has been great. I've dealt with anger, sadness, and self-pity. There has been plenty of death around me...more than I would've liked. Someone I love is in very bad shape. I did follow through in my commitment to face, feel, and love yesterday. It was one of the tougher situations I've ever been in. For the first time, my brothers all embraced. We embraced around their father. We shed some tears. We laughed. We appreciated. We reflected. We felt. We were in unity. Love was in the air. Following returning home I sent them a text about how great it was to see them regardless of the circumstances, how special it was to see them as the fine young men that they have grown into. I let them know that their dad couldn't have done a better job. In my heart the world is a better place because they are in it. The world is a better place because Denis raised them the way he did. Right now, I would like to say, "Great job Denis!!" My one brother replied to my text letting me know how proud Denis was of me for doing what I have been doing. He always knew how great of a guy I was despite my problems. If there's anything to take away from this is that one, smoking isn't a good thing. Two, before his coma he was proud of me and I'm going keep this going. They say that we're only one drink away from being back where we were. I know that. They say that nobody is safe. I accept that, but I REFUSE to place others' love and pride for and in me in vain. My heart is too loving now to allow hurt to be placed on anyone else for my actions. I know what pain is like and nobody deserves it. Even in this time where I have another issue affecting me. I won't get into to it, but whenever I was in situations where my heart has been broken, I would place myself into such a deep intoxicated that I would be incoherent, belligerent, and a complete and utter disaster. I would do this to mask the pain that I couldn't handle. The pain of things that I did; my drinking being more important than others, or my cheating to boost my ego. The funny thing is that I would end up being even more upset later that night, ashamed and depressed the day after...not to mention hungover as all hell. Not this time. For once, my drinking or being disloyal hasn't got me into this situation. I can handle this one because my hearts been proper. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Where it counts, on the inside, I did everything that I was supposed to do because I followed my heart and listened. I placed others ahead of me...FIRST TIME EVER!!! This morning I made a commitment and asked today to basically accept things I cannot change and change what I can...ME, MY ATTITUDE, ANYTHING THAT I HAVE REAL CONTROL OF. The old saying be careful what you wish for...ya, very true. I've been told that whatever I struggle with ask for help in dealing with it. When I ask, I will be put to the test. I will be challenged. I have been put to the test. I have been challenged. A man once told me that if I want something, three things will happen. It seems obvious, but I need to focus on it for my betterment. I'll get it right away because I'm ready for it. I won't get it right away, but I'll get it later because I'm not ready for it, but at a later time I will be ready. Or, I'll won't get ever because there's something better for me out there. With that in my head, it does help my situation, but it doesn't take away the face that I'm hurt. With being hurt, I am going to go an array of emotions. What am I feeling? I'm feeling sadness, loss, anger, rejection (one of my biggest fears), confusion, betrayal, and so on. That's the toughest part. These emotions are helpful, useful, and necessary. It's what I do with these emotions. I am going to remain positive. I will accept the situation. I will not resent even though every bit of my alcoholic-self wants to. I was always embarrassed or self-disapproving of my situation (that I got myself into) live with parents, no license, etc. Again, this is all on me. I was always hesitant to approach people because of fears of not being accepted for my current, temporary situation. I put down those fears in hopes that me, my heart, my personality would trump those meaningless things. The same fault I work on everyday, runs rampant in virtually everyone else; judgement. Someone thing that I have struggled with my whole life, approval of others, is not only in me. It's everywhere. I am not alone. What I am learning here is that I and everyone else, at our root, have the same issues, same insecurities, same fears, same emotions. Where we all are on dealing with them are different. I must and will accept that. I will continue to work on my issues, day-in and day-out. I am still sober. This double whammy of shittiness is not knocking me down. I am going to continue to look up to where I am going. I will not stop moving forward for anyone, anything unless it's to do the right thing and help. I WILL BE THERE FOR THE PEOPLE I LOVE, ALWAYS. I will continue to love this guy, me. Not today, but maybe one day is something I will be open to. I will show caution when necessary. I will follow my heart. I will do as I say, as I promise. I will be true to others, but more importantly, I will be true to myself. If I don't know who I am or what I want, I can't possibly be true to anyone else. My heart's in the right place right now. 8 months tomorrow...7 months ending today. I guarantee that 8 months will come tomorrow because I am now up for any challenge or test...even if they come in pairs. I am now ready for my next step to the top. I am focused like a laser.

Face, feel, and love

I'm back and yes, still very sober. I definitely need to share what's going on inside. I previously mentioned that during my life, I've been lucky enough to have six close parental figures. Two Thursdays ago, one of them suffered a heart attack. Upon first hearing of this, I feel that I handled it well...as well as I could. When reaching a certain description of his state, I got up, said I didn't want to hear about it, and went outside. Although there was a reality to it happening, it took the imagery to make it all that more real. With a realization to reality, I begin to feel and it's tough sometimes. The true feelings ddin't come to surgace until I made the decision, last Wednesday, to go to the hospital today. When this decision was made, feeling of guilt and fear came rushing in. It wasn't until I was sharing those feelings that they manifested themselves into tears. I knew that the tears were needed. I knew the tears meant that I cared for someone else. Most importantly, I knew that the tears were also associated with those negative feelings of guilt and fear. Guilt of past things done that I CANNOT change. Fear of feelings of powerlessness; over his well-being. I am going to lay it out as clearly as possible. I am afraid of seeing him in his state, in the hospital bed and me not being able to do anything about it. I am afraid of seeing his boys in pain and not being able to do anything about it.
There is something I can do about the boys' pain. I can do the right thing. I can be there for the boys. Them knowing that their big bro, Trevor, is there when they need him, will make them feel better; that's what I CAN do. When their dad wakes up and learns that I was there it's just one more person to add to the already huge list of all the people that care for him. We all need to know that we are loved. From a personal and emotional standpoint, it's all that we really need. With the excess material things that run our lives, we lose focus on that true priority of love and being loved. There will be always someone with something newer, bigger, and better. The grass will always look greener on the other side if we concentrate on what's not important, what we don't have, who we don't have, and what other's has or has to offer. The grass is always green on our own side if we focus on what we do have...what have that matters...people that love us and people we love. Don't get me wrong, I will attain all the material things that I want, but I won't do it alone. It will be after and as a result of acheive loving relationships in my daily life, appreciating what matters in life, and giving more than I receive. It'll be a result of me appreciating those who love me and me showing my love to those whom I love. When it's all said and done, I'm not taking anything or anyone with me. All I'll have is my calm, inner peace. What I'll leave is the memories and love of a good man.
So what do I need to do? I need to set aside my natural selfishness to avoid the feeling of fear. I need to remember that any guilty is associated with the past and there is NOTHING I can do about it. I need to do the right thing NOW and be there for my brothers whom I love. I need to remember it's not always about me and my comfort. Soberly speaking, I need to realize that the old me wouldn't have and didn't think of others in this situation. All I did was drink, numb, and avoid. Now, it's face, feel and love.

The pain of another's fall

This is going to be right along the lines of my previous entry; priorities. For the first time in a long time, I have become open to other people and have become very close to many people. I've come to love other recovering gentlemen that have been placed in my life. After all, we were forced to talk, interact, and socialize in a sober manner. In doing so, we shared, understood, related, and accepted each other. Never, on that intimate level, have I, nor many of the other men, contributed to a bond-making experience. I was able to enjoy a closeness and friendship with these gentlemen. This has led to a genuine concern for those you have fallen off. This concern has led to me being angry and hurt.
Imagine this pain that I feel for some guys that I've know for a short time. Imagine what the pain and worry that people that have known and loved me my whole life had to deal with. So this pain that I feel, I can multiply it and still never really understand the amount of shit that I put those people who love me through. I don't dwell on that shame, no I do not, I just keep it close to me as a reminder of my former selfish ways. When I heard about what the terrible weakness can do to families, it makes me ill to my stomach; angry/hurt wives, mother-in-laws, devestated children, brothers, sisters, parents...WOW! THE DAMAGE DONE! All the while, those of us that are still suffering are just adding onto the laundry list of shameful inventories; making it harder to deal with in the future. I plan on avoiding that. It took me a long time to purge myself of those feelings. I don't need anymore. If I was literally blind and a new medical advancement came along and I was able to restore my vision, why would I purposely force blindness upon myself again? I wouldn't. It doesn't make sense. That's the problem with this ailment. It doesn't make sense; none of it.
The cunning, baffling nature of this stuggle forces me to have to respect the shit out of it. When I am hurt by my brothers falling, I am reminded that I must be afraid of my complacency. I must continue to maintain my priority number one. I refuse to put my loved ones through the hell that I once pulled them through and ultimately held them hostage in; not again. If I do it again, it'll be worse than the last time. No, no, no, this new life, these new relationships, these renewed relationship, this new-found freedom, optimism, happiness are all to special for me to lose respect for what inside. The devil inside that lurking, waiting, and looking for that loss of respect. I tell him to piss off...I've ended that dance.

Priority #1 - My worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk.

This should have been address many moons ago. How my priorities will dictate my happiness and peace. Whatever I want, better yet, need in life will never come to fruition unless I take care of me first. Without me being at peace with myself, I cannot have peaceful life. Without loving myself, I can love no one else. Without inner-peace or inner-love, I WILL NEVER have the true sobriety. Sure, there's a possibility of me not drinking or drugging, but what's the point if I'm feeling the same way as I was while practicing. There's a term for that...it's called being a dry alcoholic. When the novelty of being a new man wears off, one is left with that cold realization that without working on what's needed, life cannot be enjoyed or appreciated the way it is supposed to be. There are still challenges. There are still rough times. Accepting and dealing with these things makes the difference in peace and happiness.
What do I want in life? Sure, I want the materials things, the status things still. What's wrong with having what you want? Nothing as long as it's acquired through doing what's right. What's right for me, again, is to be at peace with myself. That way, I will be able to enjoy everything I want. What else do I want? A family is something that for many years I was pretty cynical about. If I still drinking and drugging, had a family, would I still have a family? Probably not. I would be inconsiderate, disloyal, dishonest and would not be a contributor to any relationship. In fact, I was never a contributor. Well, yes I was, I was a contributor of heartbreak, anger, and disgust. What about my want for career success? I mean king of industry kind of success? Well, before I was the king of losing employment...and that's it. I missed work. I was always late. When I did go to work, I was always over-tired and reaked of booze. My potential was stiffled everytime. I always told my mom that these jobs didn't count and when my career started that I would make the necessary adjustments. What happen though? I never allowed myself to make it to that level....career level. I was getting fired. I was lost. So with a loving sobriety, I can apply myself to my maximum potential. I am able to interact with people in a tactful manner. I will be able to become a king of industry. My wants are all fine and dandy, but the real question is what I need.

What do I need? I need to make my recovery my very first priority. Without it, nothing above will be attained and appreciated appropriately. With my true sobriety, everything that I desire will fall into place when the time is right. I am learning who I am, how to deal with tough situations, and how to manage my emotions. I am learning of my potential. Life is a tricky things, but I feel that it boils down to balance. Yes, I need my recovery to come first, but I also need to balance it out with the other facets that make up my daily life. Sure there is going to be some stumbles along the way, but I have the tools to get back up. I have a fellowship of love, family and friends that love me, and a growing understanding of myself. So let's break it down. Without recovery, I will never maintain an beneficial relationship or family. Without recovery, I will never achieve success in any form of career. Without recovery, I will never acquire the unimportant, but very fun, toys of life. Without recovery, I will never be truly happy with, at peace with, or love myself. I heard, and definitely am never letting go of, "my worst day sober will always be better than my best day drunk." Wow, I don't know about you, but those are some serious words right there...so, so true!