Principles over Personalities

During my recovery, I've been given the tools to relieve myself of the soul-corroding resentment that I was plagued with. I learned about these crazy things called forgiveness and acceptance. It's the acceptance that I was to talk about tonight. In my 24 Hours a Day book, I read that God's way is one of love and tolerance. Tonight, I also want to talk about tolerance. You see, tolerance and acceptance go hand-in-hand. At my Wednesday meeting, we are given a choice to make a topic for discussion. I whole-heartedly made mine accepting other people. I feel that I pretty much liked everyone while I was drunk. While sober on the other hand is a different story. For the most part, I like and get along with plenty. You know what, it's my fellow gender that gets me going so much. I was a great deal of pride and I still am very ego-reactive. If someone makes me feel that I don't know what I'm talking about, don't know what I'm doing, discounts my suggestions,or simply interrupts me while I feel I am inputting something of value, I become flushed with anger, resentment, and spiteful thoughts. It all comes down to having a "dick swinging" contest (excuse the language). Unless I'm tired and cranky, I don't usually fly off the handle and get terribly angry. I do, however, become passive-aggressive with tactics of sarcasm, silent-treatment, or complete omission of the others presence. I know it's immature, but I can't help it. I do have the power to, as someone said tonight, "spot it and stop it." What I've been able to do through my awareness is try and stand in the others' shoes. Perhaps, the other person is just trying to help and give me an opportunity to learn. Perhaps, the others person has good intentions. The fact is that both of the instances are true, but my ego and pride cloud what's really going on. Since ego and pride are so sensitive in me, I react in a overly sensitive manner. Don't get me wrong, there are times were people are just being assholes, but it's up to me, still, not to react and accept people for who they are, what's on their mind, how they know in dealing with others. It my mind, my feelings, my mood that I'M in control of. If I allow others to affect me in a negative way, it's all on me. Again, I have a choice. It's not easy always, but it is my responsiblity in order to stay happy, stay positive, and most importantly, stay sober. In AA, we say Principle over Personalities. That's something that I must remember all of the time. Don't worry, you guys (and gals) are alright in my books...:)

Healthy and Unheathy Fear

Kinda late isn't it. There were a couple of anniversaries tonight at my meeting. One celebrated her 1 year! The other, a 70-something year old, his 10 year! This man quit when he had been drinking his whole life. He had been drinking for longer than how long many of us combined have been living. For me, if had waiting until 60-something to quit, I don't think I would. To do something like that speaks volumes to his character. It also shows that it really is never too late. I was talking to a brother yesterday, he's 17, and he decided to go down this path as well. Let's face it, at 17 I was even thinking that there was a problem. The only problem I thought I had was not having a fake ID. This kid is years ahead of the game and I hope that he realizes it. He's become like another little brother to me. So, at 17 and trying to calm the turmoil that his addictions have cause shows that it's never too early, either. While in the shower, I was contemplating what I was going to write about tonight. My day was excellent and I couldn't think about anything that really stuck to me that was negative to I made the decision to make the topic about blame. I know I've briefly discussed blame, but not in it's entirity. It's funny what life has to offer and how things can be changed. I attended this meeting. I was listening to the speaker and I made the decision to change tonight's writing. This guy almost had me in tears. He touched home on so many levels. I rubbed my face in amazement and someone joked with me to wake up. Little did he know that my mind was in a Wow moment. Remember I mentioned about feeling alone while practicing? While it is true in the sense of ostasizing myself from loved ones, it hold gravely true when it comes to feeling different from absolutely everyone. Without the program, without sharing with the other men, without hearing other peoples stories at these meeting I would still feel unique in regards to my feelings, helplessness, insecurities, and antics. I'm not going to get into detail of what this man said, but I will let you in on one of my reactions to something he said. He mentioned great lengths of sobriety, becoming a addictions councellor, and repeatedly returning to his practicing ways. This SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! You can tell I'm very passionate about this new way of live and love. I have continuous thoughts of taking part-time classes to become an addictions councellor. Like the speaker, I want to give back and help others and feel safer with the fact that if I'm immersed in the field then I'll be that much more accountable. Do you see the parralles? Because I do! This is what bring in the this fear. There is a major difference in this type of fear and the fear that I've previously touched on. The latter fear can be described as anxiety-causes, debilitating, counter-productive, opportunity-smothering. In other words, that type of fear is negative. The former fear, I feel, should be described as stress-causing, productive, and opportunity-providing. These can be all true if this positive and grounding fear is harnessed in the proper way. So when I say that it's stressful it's because I'm seeing that this son of bitch alcoholism is a sneaky and cunning MFer. Through typing this out and feeling it out and am able to indentify these traps of complacency. I've become complacent before and 5 years later, I was in Brampton on my way to Windsor for round 2 of recovery. The difference now is that I've learned to feel more, dig more, and find the silver-lining. The difference is now I realize that I have you and so many others that care for me. So, here and there, down the road, challenge me on my complacency, if necessary. If I get mad, it's because you've noticed something that I now deep inside. If I don't, it's because I've recognized it too. Deal? Coooo! Well, good night and I love you!

Simply Thankful

Wow, it's the support and love from those who count the most that make this sharing worthwhile. It's people that are in my life today. I was reading the comments today and there was a mix of facial expression. I had a continuous grin, edging on a full out smile. While in the facial pose that I enjoy having so much, I was beginning to really feel what I have in my life. This brought out the softer, more sensitive side of Trev. This is where I became a little misty eyed. Your heart-felt comments really did make my day. I'll tell you that my day was so relaxing that I really feel that I was going to make an entry today, but here I am. I also didn't do anything productive today. It feels like I didn't, but I really did and it didn't even feel like actual work. I was able to implement some of what I learned from my reading of my new book, Making Ideas Happen. This is the book that I got as a birthday present instead of the book I was referring to yesterday. When a decision is made out of necessity or what right rather than out of the more negative feelings such as fear or lust that decision allows me to put one step forward. It's all about progress. Back to my productivity, I organized some thoughts, aspirations, and most importantly some inventive ideas. Rather than just reading and taking mental notes, as I usually do, I actually put some of these ideas into action. So, I've made the first steps (of many) to achieving. So, I'm very excited about that.

Last night, I was honoured by an anonymous friend. He called me and confided in me. He told me that he reads these entries on a daily basis. He even said that I'm sounding somewhat like an infomercial. He and I where quite a pair. He's seen me at my worst and yet, there is an abundance of respect for what's going on. For two grown men to talk on a deeper level of problem issues and frustrations, there needs to be a certain amount of trust. This is trust that only came in drunken or doped up form. I never allowed people to trust me. This is because I wasn't trustworthy. I was a liar. I was thief. I was a cheater. With me cleaning the slate, this has provided me and others an opportunity for honest exchanges. With honest exchanges comes opportunities for helping others, for complete understandings. Again, it was truly an honour for the talk that I had last night.

Let me breakdown what I'm thankful for right now. I'm thankful to have loveing family and friend that support me in the way I truly need; emotionally. I'm thankful that I still am in contact with some of my brothers from my program in Windsor. I'm thankful that I am in a position to be of help to others; service. I am thankful that I have this sharing outlet. I am thankful for my health and the health of others. I am thankful for the on-going feedback that I receive. I am thankful to be SOBER!

Puzzling...

It puzzles me that I am intrigued, attracted to, appreciate something that I need booze or other cruches to feel comfortable around. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of a major contributor to my drinking. It also made me aware of a serious obstacle in staying sober. Someone moved in across the street a couple of weeks ago; a lovely lady. Pizza was ordered yesterday and when I went upstairs to see if the delivery person was there, I saw that my Step-Ma was outside talking to the girl and her friend. Her friend was female as well. For those who read this and know me from my drinking past, you know how I was with the booze in me. I'd talk to anyone, flirt with anyone, was comfortable talking with anyone. In this case, anyone would equate to any female. While on my program in Windsor, it became quite clear, something that I always knew and felt deep down inside, that the reason I drink was to make it easier to talk to the opposite sex. Yesterday, I opened the door, saw them all talking across the street and IMMEDIATELY closed the door. Why? Scared! It was like I was 4 years old and hiding behind my Mom's leg when someone I didn't know was talking to me. Some may say shy, I didn't, but the truth is that it's fear. I don't care what anyone says. Everyone has fears. There are differences in how people handle it. One way is to drink or do drugs to lower inhibitions and give false courage. The other, healtier way, is to go against the grain, push the boundries of one's comfort zone, and fight the fear. As one with an alcoholic mind, I can attest that my thought patterns are based on the worst-case scenario. I expect an outcome that would adversly affect my pride and self-worth. Through practicing the latter of the two methods of coping with fear, one can see that, in most cases, the outcome of is not as bad as originally imagined, reducing the fear, and expanding the comfort zone. So, what would I be most afraid of when it comes to talking to woman that I don't know? Before I get to that, I'm going to tell a story that may give the answer. In Windsor, I was out with a couple of my brothers. There was a girl that struck me and I told my buddy about how attractive she was a pointed her out. He, having no problem with talking, said that he would go talk to her for me. I almost had an outburst of anger. I was very much against this. I think I need some !!!! for how much I didn't want him to do it. He didn't. A few weeks later, myself, same one brother, and another one went to Chuck E. Cheese's with their boys. Afterward, there were a couple of older women, 60s or so, that were smiling at the boys. I was able to talk to them, make jokes, laugh, and feel comfortable. Now, the other buddy makes the comment along the lines that I see a lovely female my age and I run like a little boy. I see a couple of geriatric woman and I'm smiling, cracking jokes..." It was outrageously hilarious and I laughed hard with the simple reply, "It's funny cause it's true." And it was perfectly true. This moderately embarassing moment was a thought-inducer. As I looked within to find the why's, it dawned upon me. With a 60 year old woman, it's obvious to me that I'm not going to try to take things futher; less pressure. With someone my own age, there is that pressure. It's the pressure, or FEAR, of rejection. Why the fear of rejection? To me, I find that this fear is dabilitating. This fear is enough so that I can't think of things to say. Knowing that, I want to avoid looking like a jack-ass; I want to protect my pride. So it's the fear of my pride being underminded. There are couple more aspects to this, as well. There is the self-worth issue. Being self-conscious of being funny enough, smart enough, a conversationalist. These all hinder me in my pursuit. And this is a perfect seguay to what's really going on. I'm on a pursuit. Usually, I'm straight to the "end game". I apologize, but the truth must be told. I find you females very attractive and yummy. I even what very close to buy a book about picking up woman today. One of the reason's I didn't was that I didn't want to go a pay for it. That would've been far too embarassing for me. There was an offer to me to be purchased for me rather than I going up. After some thought, I passed. It wasn't the right thing to do. If I am to find a lasting and meaningful relationship, I need to stop the pursuit, stop that predatorial mind-set. A mind-set that is too fearful to be placed into use....Hmmm! I said to the person with me that when it's time that right female will be placed in my life. At that point, I thought about the events that took place yesterday. I have forgotten to live in the "Now" and see an interaction as an opportunity of friendship, an opportunity to know get to know someone, an opportunity to create a bond. In doing this, opportunities are given, the pressure of rejection is relieved, and spirituality may blossom. It's not all about physical pleasure. It's all about the pleasure of the soul. Really though, I have plenty of female friends. The truth is that I prefer them. At the end of the day, the fear of rejection are the self-consciousness are unnecessary because if the people in my life right now, the people that count, accept me then the people that are place in my life as opportunities will accept me as well. I just need to accept myself. Slowly, but surely my friends...slowly, but surely. At that, I'm going to end this entry. There's more to say, but I will revisit the female issue and the perpetual facade that was me...you just have to wait though!

A Loving Kiss Makes it all Worth it

So I'm back after a couple days. My Dad let me in on a little courtesy hint. I should've left a little note making aware that I would be gone for a couple of days. My apologies and not to worry, everything is beautiful. I was at my Grandma's house for a couple of nights. I actually call her Nanny so that's what I'm going to call her from here on out. I spent a night at her place last week, as well. It's a pretty good thing that's going on. When I am unable to make it into to town the next morning, I stay at my Nanny's. Trust me, she loves it. She didn't really have a chance to baby me growing up because I lived in Sarnia; she in Toronto. Does she ever take advantage of me being around now. You know that I'm not going to say anything and take that away from her. When I moved to Brampton, while still practicing my addiction, I very rarely called her, let alone visited her. I think I went to her place once for Thanksgiving with my Mom. Whenever I did see her, during holidays (not all though), she would voice her lack of appreciation for me not calling. I couldn't get mad or talk back for two reasons. One, she's my Nanny. Two, and most importantly, I knew that she was right and that I was being a neglectful grandson, simple as that. That's the thing while deep in an addiction. I always felt that I was alone, especially I my darkest moments. It was never true though. My family, even my friends, that love me and always have were never given a chance to love me. I took myself out of the rays of their love to shit in my darkness of despair. But not more! I am now getting a love-tan, yes I know, cheesy, but that's what happens when you're filled with a new-found love and appreciation. Ha! A love-tan...I just made myself laugh. Alright, back to my stay at my Nanny's. Last week, Nanny's grace was all about me. She was very thankful that I was there for super and the night. Also, my jeans were very dirty and she didn't want me to waste money on the washing machine for one pair of jeans. We did it old school, the way she using to wash cloths growing up, in the sink (minus the washboard). It's those types of things that make me type cheesy things like love-tan. Yesterday, I mentioned that it was a sweet deal that we have going on. That we are having more opportunities to spend time together. Her smile matched how I felt inside. Just sitting there watching the news and wheel of fortune was enough for me. Dinner after work, coffee in the morning all added to my continued effort at this, once frightful and impossible, thing called sobriety. Wow, was I missing the boat! I actually fell asleep before ten last night. This is the clincher here: after I fell asleep and as Nanny was going to bed she startled me out of my sleep...with a kiss on my forehead. I smiled and said, "thank you, Nanny I love you." That loving kiss will never be forgotten and will be a guiding light if I ever find myself in the darkness that comes with the thoughts of trying out my past again. Well worth it!

Maybe a checklist will help.

As I said yesterday that I lost my job because I was always late or never there. I basically chalked that up to me staying up too late because I never wanted to say, "no," and always wanted to say, "where's the next one..." This led to me, on average, staying awake until 3am to wake up at 6am. Understandably, I couldn't hear my alarm, hit snooze too many times, or just neglected to set my alarm the night before. Really, it boils down to irresponsibility. Although I'm not living that lifestyle anymore, it seems to me that I'm not quite there when it comes to being responsible. I'm only 31. Isn't being responsible reserved for adults. Adults that have jobs. Grown-folks that have others relying on them for various things like making it to work on time, making others feel that they have made the right decision to place their faith in them? Hmmmm, this is were I'm confused. I have a job. Other rely on me to be at work on time. I have people that, indeed, rightfully placed their faith in me. So what's the problem? Well, I thought I turned my alarm on. I checked the alarm time. I checked the volume. I DIDN'T turn the alarm on. I had to be awoken and told that that will be the last time. How did that start my day? Terrible! Immediately, I was wading through fear and self-doubt. Wow, I can't blame it on the alcohol. I can't blame it on the drugs. Damn, I can't even blame it on both. What was I fearful of? I was fearful that I couldn't rely on my sober-self to be responsible, be on time, and be able to keep my 2nd chance job. I was doubting myself that I be normal, relable person. I was pointing to something there earlier. That magical word is BLAME! If I get rid of all the blaming all that there is left to do is to start accepting RESPONSIBILITY. What can I do to be more responsibility. For one, I'm going to make a checklist before I go to bed: alarm time...check, alarm volume...check, alarm on...tripe check. This may seem extreme, but I don't care. This is something that I feel I have to do to be more responsible. Again, we are at the choice thing again. PLACING BLAME OR ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY. So, with searching for what to learn from my negative start, I've deal with the negative feeling in a RESPONSIBLE way. What's the reward? Me feeling wonderful about myself and ending the day off properly.

The Day of Poor Me and What Being Grateful can do.

Alright, so today was my first of my second week back at work. I placed someone very important to me in a position to fire me last year. Let me break it down like this: Friday, I completed my first full week during my first week. Last year, before I was let go, I had two or three full weeks (no absents, no lates) in 10 weeks of employment. All the other weeks I had at most 4 days pay and I was perpetually late. One would think that I would be grateful to have my job back. One would also think that I would be happy that, at least, I have a job. There are others that are laid off, are unable to work, or can't find work. Shoot, there are people that have gone through programs as I did and are going to the food bank! For the love of God, where was the gratefulness! Didn't have it.

This is what kind of person that I am. I expect perfection from myself, others, and situations; most of myself. When something doesn't go right at work, I go from the cheerful Trev, to the sulking, tempter-tantrum-having Trev. Attitude goes straight out the window. Were others privileged enough to experience needing-to-lose-the-'tude-Trev? Oooooh ya! I even had someone comment on the fact they don't like this Trev's attitude...This Trev's...like I'm multi-personalities....COME ON! I'll come back to this one, but first, I have to address my ego.

I'll tell how my pride dictates my mood. I was at the airport today were there were people in suits, flight attendant, pilots, etc walking around. Now, there was me dirty, carrying a shovel, and cold. I felt less-than. This is were the Day of Poor Me began. Rather than being grateful for what I had, I was dwelling on what others had, what I didn't have, what I could've had. To sum it up I was completely immersed in Self-Pity. Let me reiterate, in absence of being peace, love, and tranquility for everything good in my life leaves only room for the chaos, hate, and turmoil that is have an excuse to feel bad about myself; self-pity. Make sense? It does now to me.

Yes, it is becoming clearer and clearer daily. A gift of this sober life is awareness. Awareness in self, others, and life. With the awareness of how I am being perceived, the awareness of how I am affecting others, and the awareness in what I really want in life allowed me to change my attitude today. I went from frowning and thinking to myself, "wow, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to make others feel this way, but I don't want to just TRY and put on a decent face and seem like I'm bi-polar or have a mood-issues to these guys...TOO LATE! What did I do? I turned, stared at my co-worker with a crazy face and made him laugh. I laughed. I felt better. He welcomed Trevor back. It the awareness that offers me a choice now. A choice in gratefulness or self-pity; giving in feelings of joy or selfish in my actions affecting others. It's a choice.

Who I Am

I feel that there is some need to briefly give a basic background on who I am. 31, that's my age. I have been clean of drugs and alcohol since December 3, 2009; for a little over 4 months. I never thought that I was the type of person to expose myself to anyone unless I was self-medicated with intoxicants. My experiences, feelings, short-comings, everything will given away. In doing so, my thoughts and feelings revealed will act as an internal release, a sharing mechanisms, a thought organizer, and a emotional progression gauge. Right now, I am not entirely sure where I am going to start, but I am going to set aside fear-based hesitations and jump into it.

On December 4, 2009, I joined a recovery program in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. I spent my first three months of sobriety living under the roofs of this "house." I graduated from the program on March 6, 2010. I think this is one of the most important things to reveal because this is where I gained my strength, tools, and love to continue my recovery. I learned a lot about myself in the short three months. I learned a lot about other people with the same issues as myself. I learned about my fears, my weaknesses, and my forgotten strengths. What's amazing is that I learned that most of my weaknesses weren't always weaknesses they were strengths that I once had, but as previously stated, were forgotten. I came to remember that I was an admired person by many. I came to realize that I am a loved person. I came to feel that I am a loving person. Charming, loving, sensitive, emotional (which isn't a weakness, but a strength), and others are traits that have been forgotten and left ungroomed, unrefined. I allowed my idea of being emotional as being weak eat away at the very essence of me; transforming me into the lost, scared, and angry man-child that I am slowly letting go of. I also come to be aware that this transformation led me into a connected negative. This negative come in the form of me being very much about self; selfish, self-centred, self-motivation, and so on. Most of my decisions were and are based on me; how I can benefit, what who be easiest for me, how will I feel about it. These decisions brought me on my journey to me, December 4, 2009; my lowest. I say my lowest, but it was the end of my lowest cycle and the beginning of something fantastic. That something fantastic is a new journey of me continuously improving, accepting and loving myself.

My plan is to post daily logs, to cover and share what I have learned during my three month stay at the House that saved my life, share my troubles and how I am able to see the positives in those trouble. I am going to share who I am on the inside; positive and negative. Now I know that I haven't introduced myself completely, but that's okay because all the necessary information with me included with my future sharings.

GudTynz out